I think I ****ed up...yet again

[OceanGirl]

I know I said that I am not going to post. But LS helps me channel my emotions. Since the break from LS, I have been sending about 7 e-mails per day to poor Shadowplay. I have also been vomiting my emotions all over everyone.

 

So yeah, I am back. You all knew I would be.

 

I have another dating dilemma. Firstly recall this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t252118/

 

In short, I have been corresponding with this OKC guy and I was excited about meeting him. Then out of the blue he made a random excuse of why he can't meet and never replied to my last message. So we never met.

 

A month passes. He looks at my profile few times a week.

 

Then a week ago out of the blue he sends me a message. The gist of it is that he had a Xmass party and is a bit tipsy so he is going to be brutally honest with me. The reason he stopped writing is because he looked at my match questions and I said that smokers disgust me. He is a smoker (only a couple a day) but he worries that I would still be turned off by it and that he wouldn't be my cup of tea. Then he asked me if this was a fair call on his part or if he misjudged the situation?

 

We messaged back and forth and I said that I still want to meet him. He was all great! and we set the date for tonight. Last night I texted him and he responded with how much he is looking forward to meeting me finally.

 

Today, 3 hour prior to date he calls and cancels. Note: he actually called not texted. He said that he is feeling really sick and tired and he is leaving work early etc. He wanted to re-schedule for Monday but I am going to be on my trip so I said that I can't. He told me to call him when I get back and again he reallllly wants to meet me. He tried to keep me on the phone for a while longer but I was so annoyed that I pretty much said I had to go and hang up.

 

He was online all night so I know he is not meeting anyone else (tonight anyway). We ended up IM-ing for a bit and I was a bit nicer and said that I hope he feels better soon. He was all like "wow thanks for being so understanding" and that he is not canceling but merely re-scheduling. We again agreed that I will get in touch after my trip.

 

Anyhow, we singed off. Few minutes later, I decided to send him a long message. I don't know what came over me. I told him how I had a really bad run on OKCupid lately. How I went on a date with some guy last night but wasn't into him (yeah I actually met someone last night, it was OK but I wasn't attracted. He called today, I ditched). Then I went on to say that I met another guy last week that I really liked but he ended up going back to his ex-W. It was basically a type of message that you would write to a girlfriend. I did apologize at the end and said I needed to vent.

 

He was online since and didn't respond. Not that it really needs a response but it would be nice of him to. He probably thinks that I am crazy now

 

My Qs are:

 

1. Given that he canceled with iffy excuse, should I even be considering him?

 

2. Do you think that my message turned him off completely?

 

3. Should I contact him after my trip?

 

BTW he is super hot and exactly my type.

[LondonS]

why write a long emotional email to a guy you aint even met? makes no sense, what did you achieve by doing that? I think he may be confused to why you had to become so emotional so soon...

[OceanGirl]

Anyway, this is what my intuition tells me:

 

1. His smoking excuse sounds sincere. I really think he is not lying there.

 

2. We live 1.5 hours away. He offered to make the drive tonight few days ago. This afternoon it started raining heavily. I don't think that he was really sick but he couldn't be bothered driving for 1.5 hours one way in a heavy rain to meet a complete stranger. He probably thought that saying that he is sick sounded better.

 

3. He mentioned that he went on a few dates with someone recently but is not feeling the spark. She may still be in the picture.

 

4. He is open to meeting me but is not dying to meet me.

 

5. My last message most likely completely freaked him out.

[OceanGirl]

why write a long emotional email to a guy you aint even met? makes no sense, what did you achieve by doing that? I think he may be confused to why you had to become so emotional so soon...

 

Yes. That was a HUGE mistake, I know that now. I felt like talking to someone and since we had a nice IM chat I felt like talking to him. It was WAY to early for that. I think he will run for the hills now.

 

See this is what not posting on LS does to me.

 

In the IM, he was light and flirty. He joked how he can't wait to see me tanned (since I am going to a tropical place) etc. Then I put a REAL dumper on things by getting emotional.

 

I feel like being emotionally heavy too early on is my biggest downfall.

Edited December 2, 2010 by OceanGirl

[OceanGirl]

OK so this is my message; you can tell me if it is really bad:

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Yeah, I will admit to being slightly disappointed about tonight :S

I am still keen to meet you though and will get back to you when I return from X. I am probably better off writing my half finished talk and actually practicing anyway!

 

I will also admit to having had a bad run on OKC lately. I met someone last night (from OKC). We had some drinks and walked around the city looking for a good venue for my upcoming bday party. He was such a nice guy - but I just didn't really feel attracted to him. He already called today and has planned a 3-part surprise date for me for next time. I feel SO bad for having to let him down.

 

Prior to this, just last week I met someone from OKC who I was super attracted to and had so much fun with. We had 2 dates within a week and then he admitted to still being in love with his ex W and that there is a chance of them getting back together. So that kind of sucked.

 

I always wonder if it's easier for guys in regards to online dating. Anyway, sorry for a bit of a "dear diary" message..I need to vent and I probably need to spend less time on OKC too!

 

Take care,

 

OceanGirl

[LondonS]

you are still doing it...

you are typing all these lines for someone you havent even met...very unhealthy.

soooo many guys write to me, I dont even care to remember their names unless I meet them in person and decide to carry on seeing them. People email for days and dissapear, why even bother/care? you should be carefree to the point that it does not warrant a thread for you to analyze a total stranger you havent even met.

[DustySaltus]

The key is to keep the contact as limited as possible before a first date. You want to have some sort of mystery about you. Letting your emotions fly before even meeting is a big red flag to me. I would let him initiate any contact going forward and if he doesn't, time to move forward.

[OceanGirl]

Oh, I have met plenty without posting threads about them.

 

I only post threads about the ones that I am really excited about.

 

Would you still shoot him a text after my trip and try to meet him?

[OceanGirl]

The key is to keep the contact as limited as possible before a first date. You want to have some sort of mystery about you. Letting your emotions fly before even meeting is a big red flag to me. I would let him initiate any contact going forward and if he doesn't, time to move forward.

 

 

OK, this is true. I think my best bet is NOT to contact him after the trip (even though we agreed that I would).

[xpaperxcutx]

Let's hope you haven't sabotaged it already by writing that letter.

 

OG, you really got to stop being so emotional to the point where you're already telling a guy you haven't met all these prior dates and their disasters. I'm certain this guy knows he's part a dozen in a pool of fishes, but does this actually mean he wants to know you have had other pursuers and dates?

[kdark]

If you wanted to vent, why didn't you vent to shadow or one of your other friends? Why did you choose the guy you have the hots for who you haven't even met? I'm at the same stage as you as far as dating someone is concerned, just patiently waiting for our first date, and I wouldn't even dream of sending something like that to them.

 

You have a terrible habit of shooting yourself in the foot with potential dates.

[Sarah1977]

Yeah, if I got that email, I'd be totally turned off and likely think I dodged a bullet by not getting involved. Sorry. There's always next time, though!

[OceanGirl]

Hah, if I got that e-mail I would LOVE it. It would show me that the guy is emotionally open and genuine.

 

I think that this guy is low interest anyway.

 

Does anyone still think I should ignore e-mail fiasco and text him about meeting up after I get from the trip? He may kind of forget about it in a week.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Why have you decided to ignore all the "deal breakers" that he offers?

[OceanGirl]

Why have you decided to ignore all the "deal breakers" that he offers?

 

Truthfully, I have met pretty much everyone on OKC in my area and he is pretty much the last hot guy to meet

 

I wouldn't mind having something short term with him.

[OceanGirl]

Hmmm maybe I should branch out to Eharmony...

[xpaperxcutx]

Truthfully, I have met pretty much everyone on OKC in my area and he is pretty much the last hot guy to meet

 

I wouldn't mind having something short term with him.

 

OG I know you better than that. Are you certain you want to settle?

[harmfulsweetz]

Hm...I'd say you shouldn't have sent that letter, but it is done so nothing you can do about that.

 

I don't really know, there seems to be some dealbreakers or red flags flying around with this one, so choosing to ignore them probably isn't wise. Settling for less than what you want is a sure fire way for trouble.

 

I actually think the smoking excuse is just that-an excuse. I think if he really, really wanted to meet you he would have told you about the smoking and seen how you'd react. Not wait a while, then decide to try again. Why is it ok to tell you now and not then? Just seems to me like he may have put you on the backburner or something.

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

This guy is like pulling teeth and I'd be surprised if you end up meeting him.

 

You will probably have to go to his place and so on.

 

As far as your letter, I think this is the worst part:

 

sorry for a bit of a "dear diary" message..I need to vent

 

You need to vent? This is not his problem..

[northern_sky]

I don't think you should see this guy -- he's flakey and immature, but I know that you probably will.

 

I think you should be more strategic in your boyfriend-hunting. Right now you're sort of passively going along with whatever chance happens to throw at you. I think there is a depression element to this passivity. Treat finding a boyfriend as a problem that you need to solve. You're extremely smart, so apply your intelligence to this end.

 

Dating sites aren't the way to go for you, especially because there is a high percentage of unreliable losers and you are very sensitive to disappointment.

 

My grandmother told me a story over Thanksgiving that might be helpful to you. She is in a writing workshop with a young woman in her early thirties. I guess at the beginning of the workshop this woman told the group that she had a plan for finding a husband. She was going to attend all of these in-field lectures held for doctors, lawyers and engineers, then chat up the men at the lectures. She wanted a boyfriend who was smart and successful so her plan made sense. During the course of the workshop she continued to update the group on her progress. She went on a lot of dates through these lectures. Now she is happily married to an engineer that she met there.

 

Moral of the story: she figured out what she wanted and went for it.

 

I think you should take a similarly proactive approach.

 

Write down a list of the really general qualities you're looking for in a mate. Then figure out where men who have these qualities tend to congregate. Try to find a place that is heavily male dominated so you'll have less competition and more options.

 

Do you think this is something you might try?

[OceanGirl]

Awww hon, that's actually a top notch advice.

 

This guy is in all reality flaky and I half agree that the smoking is an excuse. There is something else holding him back - maybe another girl, maybe something about me that he doesn't like so he is waffling. I mean I have been trying to meet him for so long and he pulls one excuse after another. Meanwhile, he mentions a girl here and there that he met so I know he meets them - why not me?

 

I think that him being "sick" is a way of putting me on the back burner AGAIN. I really do not think I will contact him. I am almost tempted to write him a note and tell him thanks but there have been too many excuses and I am not interested in meeting you anymore.

 

Another thing that I have discovered through online dating is that it is easier to find a hot guy than a smart guy. There is nothing that turns me off more than lack of intelligence.

 

Yes, I will make this a puzzle to solve. I love smart and somewhat shy nerdy types that are at least somewhat cute and have a bit of an edge. I have completely been ignoring real life potentials. Not really ignoring but am completely oblivious even if someone were to flirt with me.

 

There must be a way.

[harmfulsweetz]

Awww hon, that's actually a top notch advice.

 

This guy is in all reality flaky and I half agree that the smoking is an excuse. There is something else holding him back - maybe another girl, maybe something about me that he doesn't like so he is waffling. I mean I have been trying to meet him for so long and he pulls one excuse after another. Meanwhile, he mentions a girl here and there that he met so I know he meets them - why not me?

 

I think that him being "sick" is a way of putting me on the back burner AGAIN. I really do not think I will contact him. I am almost tempted to write him a note and tell him thanks but there have been too many excuses and I am not interested in meeting you anymore.

 

Another thing that I have discovered through online dating is that it is easier to find a hot guy than a smart guy. There is nothing that turns me off more than lack of intelligence.

 

Yes, I will make this a puzzle to solve. I love smart and somewhat shy nerdy types that are at least somewhat cute and have a bit of an edge. I have completely been ignoring real life potentials. Not really ignoring but am completely oblivious even if someone were to flirt with me.

 

There must be a way.

 

I'd just not contact him again, rather than writing the note. If you write the note, it prolongs it.

 

I think maybe giving online dating a break would be an idea, go out and meet some people, see if you connect before forming any kind of attachment to them or building up an idea of them before you've met.

 

I agree with Sky, make a list of the qualities you like and seek them out. Anyone that doesn't match those things, doesn't get a chance. No ignoring dealbreakers or red flags, and no settling.

[Ariadne]

There must be a way.

 

(Must get married)

 

I think for this you are better off following TBF's advice more than NS.

[northern_sky]

Awww hon, that's actually a top notch advice.

 

This guy is in all reality flaky and I half agree that the smoking is an excuse. There is something else holding him back - maybe another girl, maybe something about me that he doesn't like so he is waffling. I mean I have been trying to meet him for so long and he pulls one excuse after another. Meanwhile, he mentions a girl here and there that he met so I know he meets them - why not me?

 

I think that him being "sick" is a way of putting me on the back burner AGAIN. I really do not think I will contact him. I am almost tempted to write him a note and tell him thanks but there have been too many excuses and I am not interested in meeting you anymore.

 

Another thing that I have discovered through online dating is that it is easier to find a hot guy than a smart guy. There is nothing that turns me off more than lack of intelligence.

 

Yes, I will make this a puzzle to solve. I love smart and somewhat shy nerdy types that are at least somewhat cute and have a bit of an edge. I have completely been ignoring real life potentials. Not really ignoring but am completely oblivious even if someone were to flirt with me.

 

There must be a way.

 

Awesome, I am excited for you! I really hope you try this approach, and I am POSITIVE if you stick with it and be proactive you will find a great boyfriend. The important thing is to not internalize disappointment and keep on trucking.

 

So you've tried the online thing and determined it's not for you. Big deal. Don't see it as the last resort. In truth there are many ways to meet guys if you really put some effort in. This is just the beginning of your search. Be proud of yourself for slugging through these duds, and coming this far. Maybe one of the lessons to be learned is to change approaches sooner if the one you're trying isn't working. You have also learned more about what you need in a boyfriend. So this online thing wasn't fruitless, but I think it's time to switch strategies.

 

Now that you know that you are attracted to guys who are smart, reasonably cute, shy with a slight edge start brainstorming places where men like this hang out. Maybe even start a thread and we can help you come up with ideas. Then share your progress with us as you solve this problem. See it as a fun project.

 

And please ditch that dud. It's low-self-esteem-y to give him a chance.

[OceanGirl]

Yes! I will ditch that over-confident flaky dud. I almost want to write him a final note as a self protection mechanism not to give in to him. And I haven't really ruined anything with my emotional message. He has pretty much flaked twice before that.

 

Well I am going to a week long conference in 2 days. Conference of statisticians at the very least postgrad level. There are bound to be some nerdy cute guys there. See, I would have spent my time there obsessing over this loser. But now I am going to go to all their social functions and keep my eyes wide open