My Story - Wife affair, Reason why, Working Through

[history]

In advance, this will be a lengthy story and, in all honesty, I don't care if I don't get any replies. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised to get replies against me which is fine too. At this point, I just want to get it out since I don't feel comfortable talking about to any of my family/friends. Here's my story.

 

 

My wife and I have known each other for roughly 11 yrs, 4 of which are married. We both love each other deeply and unconditionally and always knew we were meant to be together. However, we've had our share problems over the last 4-5 years that have escalated exponentially over the last 8-12 months leading to the main event that caused me to post this on this forum. My wife had an emotional, turned physical affair which developed in less than a month's time. Now to turn back the clock...

I've had problems in the past with porn (the habit) and lying about it to my wife. There I said it. That is probably the first time I've actually admitted it "aloud". My wife was a year ahead of me in school so when she took a job 300 miles from me after college, I resorted to "the habit" for my pleasure...too much. This habit I took with me after the year ended and we were back living together. It disgusts her just like most other women so I constantly lied to try to hide it so she wouldn't find out, although in most cases she did. Another, reason for my lying was from the shame that I felt. I've always been very ashamed of the act. The why keep doing it? I really don't know. I have a hard time fighting any temptation, whether it be "the habit", snacks, video games, sports, etc. This is, in my opinion, a personality flaw that I've honestly been working hard on for the last 3 months or so. Anyway, needless to say, she started to become more and more disgusted of me so of course she was becoming less and less interested in having sex which, in turn, made me head for the bad habit more often. She has always been very vocal about her dislike and hatred of both "the habit" and the lying about it and has also tried to accommodate me in ways she was comfortable. I just couldn't will myself to change for my wife. Even with all of this, she showed great love and willingness to work through it but I've lost the majority of her trust. Fast forward to the last 8-12 months....

 

 

My wife has always been passionate about her work and takes great pride in it causing her to work a lot of hours both at the office and at home. I work an 8-5 job so I find her long hours annoying but I understand so I didn't complain about it too much. It just started really getting to me about 12 months ago so I felt myself getting detached from her but never let her know it. About 7 months ago she took a new job that causes her to be away from home through the week so this caused me to detach even further to the point that we hardly talked over the phone and even very little over the weekend.

The above items are the main reasons she was left wanting in our relationship but she never actively looked to fill those voids. It just happened that she met a coworker at a conference that she made a connection with. She approached this individual days later via email wanting to learn more about him and so started about a week long flurry of emails resulting in her meeting him out of state to further their relationship. She said that she didn't plan on sleeping with him but it happened nevertheless. She confronted me a week later saying that our relationship was in bad shape but I just seemed to brush it off. I probably would have listened more if she said that she was doubting us. I'm the kind that needs to get told something directly in order for it to actually sink in. I guess I'm not too good at reading into things. Either way, communication between us has been lacking for a very long time. The following week she told me about the indiscretion and answered all of my questions honestly. I have no doubts about the truthfulness of the answers since this affair was really the first time that she's been underhanded in any way. And that the story...now the aftermath.

 

 

We had 2 very horrible days after she told me what happened. I'm the type that really tries to wait until I can think rationally before making decisions. We both made the decision to commit to each other and try our best to work through it. It's been 3 weeks since she told me and we've had some very wonderful days but I've also had days that I get so angry because I can't get the act out of my head. I can understand why she made a connection to him but the act makes me absolutely furious and nauseous. I try not to lash out when I'm in this frame of mind but sometimes it just comes out which has made us get take huge steps back in fixing us. I go from knowing that I want to be with her to just wanting to say "get the h*** out" and I stay in this frame of mind for far too long to properly help the relationship. I just start to second guess whether or not I'll ever be able to get past it even though I really think I want to.

But basically that's our story. There are a million other small details that I'd also like to get out but this post is already long enough. Thanks for reading.

 

 

--history

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am very sorry for you. First, my guess is that your wife is lying to you. Her actions indicate that she was quite attractive to this man and had ever intention of sleeping with him. You both need to get tested for STD's. I have a hunch if the roles had been reversed she would not have be so accepting of this betrayal as you have been.

[Chi townD]

Sorry this happened to you dude,

 

First off, it wouldn't shock me if she starts blame shifting saying that she felt betrayed by your "habit", that she was hurt that you had to look at other women because she wasn't good enough for you and thats why she did it. Even though the "habit" is common with a lot of men ( lets face it, we're visual creatures) In my opinion, there's a big difference between just looking at images on a screen and having full on sex with someone. Don't buy into that. She is 100% responsible for the physical affair, not you.

[history]

Sorry this happened to you dude,

 

First off, it wouldn't shock me if she starts blame shifting saying that she felt betrayed by your "habit", that she was hurt that you had to look at other women because she wasn't good enough for you and thats why she did it. Even though the "habit" is common with a lot of men ( lets face it, we're visual creatures) In my opinion, there's a big difference between just looking at images on a screen and having full on sex with someone. Don't buy into that. She is 100% responsible for the physical affair, not you.

 

First, thanks for the replies. Even though I feel like I've thought of every question/excuse/route there always seems to be at least a small nugget in each post to think about again or even for the first time.

 

Second, I'll reply to the quoted post. She's actually not said anything along that line. We have talked about how it affects her wanting to physically be with me and of course removing her trust in me. Also, me lying to her affects her more than the habit. She has not specifically blamed her affair on the habit. I'm sure it had a minor role to play though. She's just said that she felt a strong connection with him, felt like she could talk about anything with him, had deep meaningful conversations, and felt very alive when thinking of him. Those are things that her and I haven't consistently shared in nearly a year. I read the emails and understand 100% what she meant. The emails weren't lustful at all. They were just very...impactful/meaningful...for lack of better words. They both speak very deeply from the heart and in words that I couldn't attempt to put together. At times it was almost poetic...and that scares me.

 

The only time she has made example of the habit was when I brought up that I wasn't sure if I could get past this and she was letting me know how she has dealt with my issue. I haven't ever had to deal with pain like this and she gave advice about what she knew. I never felt like she threw it in my face to try to rationalize her affair. She knows she's responsible for it and hasn't claimed otherwise.

 

Anyway, that was a bit long-winded. Thanks all.

[TerryW]

Sorry you are going through this.....You seem to me to be blaming yourself for your wife's affair. Give yourself some time for your feelings to subside before making any decisions. I did this at first (blamed myself).....now I see things more clearly. Yes I had to accept responsibility where I had helped make our marriage weak but I was under no condition responsible for the affair. Good luck.

[history]

Sorry you are going through this.....You seem to me to be blaming yourself for your wife's affair. Give yourself some time for your feelings to subside before making any decisions. I did this at first (blamed myself).....now I see things more clearly. Yes I had to accept responsibility where I had helped make our marriage weak but I was under no condition responsible for the affair. Good luck.

 

At first I really did blame myself but having a bit of time to cope, I don't really blame myself for the affair itself anymore. There are times when when I go into a self-loathing mood and blame myself for much of what went wrong but I snap out of it. However, I do blame myself for becoming detached and basically giving up. I feel like I unlocked the affair door and she kicked it wide open. I helped leave a void in a part of her life that she craves to be filled and she happened upon a way to fill it without me.

[wicar1]

She didnt plan to sleep with him... wtf???

It is crap.

 

Dude just leave her. She's gonna do it again and again. Find someone who really loves you. She's not worth it.

[Distant78]

First, thanks for the replies. Even though I feel like I've thought of every question/excuse/route there always seems to be at least a small nugget in each post to think about again or even for the first time.

 

Second, I'll reply to the quoted post. She's actually not said anything along that line. We have talked about how it affects her wanting to physically be with me and of course removing her trust in me. Also, me lying to her affects her more than the habit. She has not specifically blamed her affair on the habit. I'm sure it had a minor role to play though. She's just said that she felt a strong connection with him, felt like she could talk about anything with him, had deep meaningful conversations, and felt very alive when thinking of him. Those are things that her and I haven't consistently shared in nearly a year. I read the emails and understand 100% what she meant. The emails weren't lustful at all. They were just very...impactful/meaningful...for lack of better words. They both speak very deeply from the heart and in words that I couldn't attempt to put together. At times it was almost poetic...and that scares me.

 

Man, don't ever let your wife disrespect you like this again. She has some nerve to sit there in front of her own husband and talk about how some punk is amazing and charming. You are 100% not a fault for her selfishness. You want to make your marriage better, try filing for divorce because it seems she hasn't learned the magnitude of her actions. Don't let those bull shyt messages scare you, because it's nothing but crap about how she basically doesn't want to keep her legs closed. You can't let her walk over you like this. If you try to reconcile with her, for the rest of your life you'll wonder whether she cheated on you with someone else or did she cheat your whole marriage. It's time for you to bring her head out of her azz. Find someone who will NEVER cheat on you. You deserve better man.

[Untouchable_Fire]

At first I really did blame myself but having a bit of time to cope, I don't really blame myself for the affair itself anymore. There are times when when I go into a self-loathing mood and blame myself for much of what went wrong but I snap out of it. However, I do blame myself for becoming detached and basically giving up. I feel like I unlocked the affair door and she kicked it wide open. I helped leave a void in a part of her life that she craves to be filled and she happened upon a way to fill it without me.

 

I know you believe that you are being realistic about your culpability in this, but you are not.

 

We all go unfulfilled from time to time... it's part of life. You did nothing inherently wrong. If she doesn't see the need to stay faithful through that... I don't know what to say. What kind of person does that suggest she is?

 

Additionally, I had an issue with porn when I was married. I would have considered it an addiction at the time. However, I found that after the divorce once I began a relationship with someone I had more physical chemistry with.... the porn issue just went away. Not that I don't use it from time to time... but it went from 5 times a week to once a month.

 

Actually the fact that you have to hide it and feel ashamed is crazy. It's no different than a woman owning a dildo or a vibrator. It's just a masturbation aid.

 

So, you are going to stick it out... just a few questions you need to answer.

 

Does she love you? If so, how do you know?

 

Does she respect you?

 

What is she willing to do in order to make the marriage work?

 

How remorseful is she?

 

What kind of consequences will you make her face for this?

[Snowflower]

The above items are the main reasons she was left wanting in our relationship but she never actively looked to fill those voids. It just happened that she met a coworker at a conference that she made a connection with. She approached this individual days later via email wanting to learn more about him and so started about a week long flurry of emails resulting in her meeting him out of state to further their relationship. She said that she didn't plan on sleeping with him but it happened nevertheless.

 

I can relate to a lot of your post because after d-day, I looked at my own actions and blamed myself for my husband's decision to have an affair.

 

It's a very common reaction for a BS to blame themselves. IMO, it is a way for a BS to feel not quite so powerless and even feel like they have some control over a situation that seems so out of their control.

 

However, her decision to cheat was her own. She needs to figure out why she did this. Just like you are trying to figure yourself out with your addiction to porn. She owes this to you (and to herself as well) to figure out why she made such a destructive decision.

 

As for the part of your OP that I bolded above, this really bothers me. It seems like she planned for this to happen...even to the point that she went out of state to meet to "further their relationship." She knew and actively planned for what was going to happen.

 

And if I were you, I would be very upset about the part where she said she didn't plan on sleeping with him, it just happened. Nothing "just happens." And all cheating spouses use this excuse...that it just happened.

 

What did she think would happen when she went to see him? That they were just going to meet for tea?

 

Are the two of you planning to attend marital counseling?

[history]

To start, I wanted to say thanks to everybody again for their comments. They were all constructive in one way, shape, or form.

 

We have both decided to cautiously move forward with our relationship. This doesn't mean that the pain is gone we're in the clear but we're taking steps in that direction. It may seem too soon to you since I just made the post a few days ago but it's been a month for me and have had time to think, question, and analyze everything that happened. And that doesn't mean that there isn't still more to come but I know the direction I want to head in.

 

I've answered a couple of posts below because they are very similar to thoughts/questions I've been having and it feels good to get my answers down on "paper" rather than having them float around in my head. So they will seem very one-sided but I assure you that I have thought deeply about them.

 

I feel like I also need to address one other item briefly. Again, it might be just be for my own satisfaction but maybe not. I've only shared with you a small, yet impactful, sliver of my wife and who she is so it's easy to judge based off of what you do know about her. That's part of the reason why I gave you a bit of back story to get a better sense of who she might be. I've known her for a long time and I deeply know who she is. She always been somebody I admire and aspire to be more like. In 11 yrs I've never known her to lie or do something so far out of character...not once. Yes, the affair did put a shred of doubt in every word she said over the last month but our 11yr past, not a 3 week lapse, is how I know I can believe what she says is the truth. Call me naive or dumb or blind but that's how I feel.

 

And please, don't consider this an opened and closed case. I still would like to see people's opinion on everything. I will read/respond to those that have impact on me or that bring new meaningful thoughts into my head.

 

Answers to previous posts are below for those still interested.

 

So, you are going to stick it out... just a few questions you need to answer.

 

Does she love you? If so, how do you know?

 

Does she respect you?

 

What is she willing to do in order to make the marriage work?

 

How remorseful is she?

 

What kind of consequences will you make her face for this?

 

Yes, we have decided to cautiously move forward with the relationship.

Does she love me? I have no doubt in my mind that she does. Even through most recent events, I've not doubted her love for me. She has always been there for me when I needed her, has given me the chance to help her understand why the habit was so strongly needed (in 4ish years I still have not opened up about it, I've been ashamed and unwilling, that one is on me), when I wouldn't try to help her understand, she tried to accommodate the need in various ways. She took measures that would help the situation. I would say that 85% of the actual damage from the habit was done by me constantly lying to her, not the habit itself.

 

She always has been very vocal about the fact that she does love me and she has always let me know even when she was thoroughly mad/disgusted at me.

 

Does she respect me? Of course I feel less respected now than before but she still had the respect to tell me that it happened against most of the opinions she received from those close to her. She also opened herself up to answer any and all questions I had about the affair, even ones that in no way could have helped me get over the affair. She wasn't happy about answering them but she did...in some cases multiple times. And again, I do feel like she was very truthful in her answers even though she had much to lose. So yes, I do feel respected.

 

What is she willing to do to make marriage work? As said above, she's been 100% open to answering all of my questions. That's a big step in my opinion. She could have just as easily said don't want to talk about it because it does nothing to help us move on. 3 weeks ago, we both made detailed lists about items that we feel are lacking from the relationship. I won't get into specifics, but she has once again tried to accommodate those items in away that doesn't feel forced just to make me get over the affair. Of course, time will only tell if we both are able to live up to each other's wishes. She also said she would like to both go to MC and seems to have left the final decision to me.

 

How remorseful? At times I have doubted that she regretted what she did to me. Mostly because when we are together she brightens up the room. She does ask whats wrong/do you want to talk when she can tell I'm thinking about it and does apologize for how I'm feeling. However, I can truly see how much she's struggling with when we're discussing the situation.

 

Consequences? This is actually something I've dwelled on quite a bit lately. I've tried to find ways to make sure she feels pain for what she has done and remembers it for years to come but in the end, that's not who I am and I don't think it's the right way about helping ourselves through this. We both feel pain for what has happened and any consequence that gets put onto affect will only harm both of us and the relationship further. If we are to get through this, we feel like we both just have to be open, honest, and true to our feelings. If either of us cannot accept and exhibit those values then there's where the true long term consequences kick in.

 

And if I were you, I would be very upset about the part where she said she didn't plan on sleeping with him, it just happened. Nothing "just happens." And all cheating spouses use this excuse...that it just happened.

 

What did she think would happen when she went to see him? That they were just going to meet for tea?

 

Are the two of you planning to attend marital counseling?

 

I've ran this thought through my mind many times and I've asked her the same question multiple times. She doesn't feel like it just happened. Her response was something like "I did not go down there with the thought in my head that sex was going to happen. I just knew I wanted to explore my feelings further. But I knew that anything was possible while there. It's always been my belief that anytime/anywhere anything is possible. I just felt like I would be strong enough and committed enough to say no." And according to the answer to my question, she was until their last night there.

[Darth Vader]

To start, I wanted to say thanks to everybody again for their comments. They were all constructive in one way, shape, or form.

 

We have both decided to cautiously move forward with our relationship. This doesn't mean that the pain is gone we're in the clear but we're taking steps in that direction. It may seem too soon to you since I just made the post a few days ago but it's been a month for me and have had time to think, question, and analyze everything that happened. And that doesn't mean that there isn't still more to come but I know the direction I want to head in.

 

I've answered a couple of posts below because they are very similar to thoughts/questions I've been having and it feels good to get my answers down on "paper" rather than having them float around in my head. So they will seem very one-sided but I assure you that I have thought deeply about them.

 

I feel like I also need to address one other item briefly. Again, it might be just be for my own satisfaction but maybe not. I've only shared with you a small, yet impactful, sliver of my wife and who she is so it's easy to judge based off of what you do know about her. That's part of the reason why I gave you a bit of back story to get a better sense of who she might be. I've known her for a long time and I deeply know who she is. She always been somebody I admire and aspire to be more like. In 11 yrs I've never known her to lie or do something so far out of character...not once. Yes, the affair did put a shred of doubt in every word she said over the last month but our 11yr past, not a 3 week lapse, is how I know I can believe what she says is the truth. Call me naive or dumb or blind but that's how I feel.

 

And please, don't consider this an opened and closed case. I still would like to see people's opinion on everything. I will read/respond to those that have impact on me or that bring new meaningful thoughts into my head.

 

Answers to previous posts are below for those still interested.

 

 

 

Yes, we have decided to cautiously move forward with the relationship.

 

Does she love me? I have no doubt in my mind that she does. Even through most recent events, I've not doubted her love for me. She has always been there for me when I needed her, has given me the chance to help her understand why the habit was so strongly needed (in 4ish years I still have not opened up about it, I've been ashamed and unwilling, that one is on me), when I wouldn't try to help her understand, she tried to accommodate the need in various ways. She took measures that would help the situation. I would say that 85% of the actual damage from the habit was done by me constantly lying to her, not the habit itself.

 

She always has been very vocal about the fact that she does love me and she has always let me know even when she was thoroughly mad/disgusted at me.

 

Does she respect me? Of course I feel less respected now than before but she still had the respect to tell me that it happened against most of the opinions she received from those close to her. She also opened herself up to answer any and all questions I had about the affair, even ones that in no way could have helped me get over the affair. She wasn't happy about answering them but she did...in some cases multiple times. And again, I do feel like she was very truthful in her answers even though she had much to lose. So yes, I do feel respected.

 

What is she willing to do to make marriage work? As said above, she's been 100% open to answering all of my questions. That's a big step in my opinion. She could have just as easily said don't want to talk about it because it does nothing to help us move on. 3 weeks ago, we both made detailed lists about items that we feel are lacking from the relationship. I won't get into specifics, but she has once again tried to accommodate those items in away that doesn't feel forced just to make me get over the affair. Of course, time will only tell if we both are able to live up to each other's wishes. She also said she would like to both go to MC and seems to have left the final decision to me.

 

How remorseful? At times I have doubted that she regretted what she did to me. Mostly because when we are together she brightens up the room. She does ask whats wrong/do you want to talk when she can tell I'm thinking about it and does apologize for how I'm feeling. However, I can truly see how much she's struggling with when we're discussing the situation.

 

Consequences? This is actually something I've dwelled on quite a bit lately. I've tried to find ways to make sure she feels pain for what she has done and remembers it for years to come but in the end, that's not who I am and I don't think it's the right way about helping ourselves through this. We both feel pain for what has happened and any consequence that gets put onto affect will only harm both of us and the relationship further. If we are to get through this, we feel like we both just have to be open, honest, and true to our feelings. If either of us cannot accept and exhibit those values then there's where the true long term consequences kick in.

 

 

 

I've ran this thought through my mind many times and I've asked her the same question multiple times. She doesn't feel like it just happened. Her response was something like "I did not go down there with the thought in my head that sex was going to happen. I just knew I wanted to explore my feelings further. But I knew that anything was possible while there. It's always been my belief that anytime/anywhere anything is possible. I just felt like I would be strong enough and committed enough to say no." And according to the answer to my question, she was until their last night there.

 

 

Have you told your wife that you can't get the sexual images of her and OM out of your head? Your wife's probably "trickle truthing" you, there's probably much more to her affair/s than what she's been telling you.

[wicar1]

History,

 

I've ran this thought through my mind many times and I've asked her the same question multiple times. She doesn't feel like it just happened. Her response was something like "I did not go down there with the thought in my head that sex was going to happen. I just knew I wanted to explore my feelings further. But I knew that anything was possible while there. It's always been my belief that anytime/anywhere anything is possible -

 

So she knew it would happen.

 

"I just felt like I would be strong enough and committed enough to say no" -

That's crap. Was she gambling with your relationship??

 

Does she love me? I have no doubt in my mind that she does. Even through most recent events, I've not doubted her love for me. She has always been there for me when I needed her, has given me the chance to help her understand why the habit was so strongly needed (in 4ish years I still have not opened up about it, I've been ashamed and unwilling, that one is on me), when I wouldn't try to help her understand, she tried to accommodate the need in various ways. She took measures that would help the situation. I would say that 85% of the actual damage from the habit was done by me constantly lying to her, not the habit itself. -

 

May be she did love you before. I do not think she would go far enough to meet this guy and sleep with him if she still loves you or rather she really loved you.

 

She always has been very vocal about the fact that she does love me and she has always let me know even when she was thoroughly mad/disgusted at me. -

 

That's what cheaters do. They lie to your face

 

Does she respect me? Of course I feel less respected now than before but she still had the respect to tell me that it happened against most of the opinions she received from those close to her. She also opened herself up to answer any and all questions I had about the affair, even ones that in no way could have helped me get over the affair. She wasn't happy about answering them but she did...in some cases multiple times. And again, I do feel like she was very truthful in her answers even though she had much to lose. So yes, I do feel respected.-

 

Same as her love.

 

 

Think again... She knew she might/would sleep with this guy. Still she went to see him??? Where's her love and respect?