Mixed feelings about leaving my SO.....

[UofLCards]

Ok. Dont know where to start but here goes.

 

Some of you might remember my story. It is a drama story that's for sure. And I know that I should have left here ALONG time ago but I'm still here.

 

Here goes.

 

I have been in a relationship with my SO now for 9 years. We have three kids together but are not married. She has came clean about cheating on me before and said she was done only for me to find out that she is still seeing this guy. She now says she is done with him but I dont think she is. He still calls my house, she still acts suspcious, and most of all I have my gut feeling that she is still seeing him.

 

My SO has causes alot of stress for me in my life. Especially ever since bringing this OM into our lifes. She has gotten 2 DUI's and 2 AI's while seeing this OM. He has taken her down the wrong path. Me, being the kind hearted person that I am was always there to pick her up from her mistakes. And sadly I still am here to this day. I just can't seem to let her go. Just a month ago she was ordered to be put on HIP (House Arrest) because of the 2nd DUI. I was there to pay for the HIP and take care of her while she was on HIP. Then after she got off HIP she was also ordered to go to a rehab here in town for 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 weeks, which is where she is right now at this moment. My parents hint around that I should just get my stuff while she is at rehab, file for temp. custody of our kids, and move on with my life but they wont just come out and tell me their feelings about it they just beat around the bush on the matter. They dont want to make my decision and then later on me decide that was the wrong decision and I stay mad at them because of it. I know deep down inside that is what I should do. I should grab my things and move out and move on with my life but I just cant get up the strength to do it. I know that it's the right thing to do but why cant I do it? I feel sorry for her when I know I shouldnt. What is the reason I can't just move on and move out while she is gone?

[FreeNow]

What is the reason I can't just move on and move out while she is gone?

 

The reasons are probably many but the one central to you is likely that deep down you are afraid of being lonely and starting over again. Other, more external ones, might include that you believe that it will be rough on the children and/or permanently damage them.

 

It may very well be that you switched from the role of SO a long time ago to the role of caretaker. You're her daddy in a sense and she has decided to indulge life like a rampant teenager (or even more immature).

 

Every person living the life of your SO has an enabler and that isn't the OM; it's you. Without an enabler, life naturally corrects their behavior. With you softening each fall, she has no external accountability. Her repeat performances indicate that she lacks internal accountability too.

 

Remember, the OM didn't lead her anywhere she didn't want to go.

 

My heart goes out to you. I've been in similar and can remember the time when I switched my role from mostly husband to enabler for my xW.

[UofLCards]

Thanks for the reply.

 

So what do I do? How do I get up the strength to just pack my things and leave while she's at rehab? Why do I want to keep giving her the benefit of the doubt thinking that when she comes out of rehab that she will be the girl that I fell in love with? When deep down inside I know that when she comes home she will more than likely be that same person that has used and abused me, still be drinking nonstop and still seeing this OM.

 

I know that this is my best oppurtunity to hit the road and move on (while she is at rehab) because when she gets out and is home she will not let me leave without World War 2.

 

My mind is telling me to leave, have my lawyer file temp. custody of our kids and move on. But my heart is telling me that you still love her and your kids love her and to give her that one last chance. How do I pull this strength outta me and just move out and move on without my heart telling me to give her one more chance?

[UofLCards]

Also, they have visitation day at the rehab she is in this Saturday. You have to be there at 8:45 am and stay until 1 pm. You have to have group with all the other visitors and their counselors for about an hour then you get to visit with the person you are there to see. Thing is, I have a feeling that they are gonna grill me for information about myself, my lifestyle, our kids lifestyle, etc. and basically give me an evaluation myself.

 

With a possbile custody situation coming up in the future between me and my SO I dont want to give them any reason to suspect ANYTHING negative about me, my kids, or ANYTHING. I have no skeletons AT ALL in my closet, they can drug test me or whatever they wanna do but I just dont want anything to be held against me later on for something I said or something that I wrote on a piece of paper during group, meetings, etc.

 

Anyone know anything or can give me insight about this situation?

[Woggle]

After all she has put you through leaving her should be a no brainer.

[cyabye]

I think you know what NEEDS to be done.......

 

cya

[FreeNow]

So what do I do? How do I get up the strength to just pack my things and leave while she's at rehab? Why do I want to keep giving her the benefit of the doubt thinking that when she comes out of rehab that she will be the girl that I fell in love with? When deep down inside I know that when she comes home she will more than likely be that same person that has used and abused me, still be drinking nonstop and still seeing this OM.

 

Unfortunately, I can't give an opinion on this. You see, I don't know if I stayed too long with my xW or I ended things at just the right time. The answer to that question is unanswerable, IMHO, by me until after this life. The only thing I'm sure about is that I didn't end it too soon.

 

What I'm getting at is all of the scenarios I've ruminated about for my own situation leave me without any clear answer. You're on the front lines, know your children's needs, know your own needs, and know your own limitations. It took until our own oldest children forcing the issue for me to end it. Even the adult children can't figure out if it was just enough time or too long. They too are absolutely positive that it wasn't too soon.

 

The more clinical answer would be that enabling is not healthy and will have more negative effects on her, the children, and you. In my situation, I only know for sure that it had more negative effects on her than anybody else. Sooner and perhaps our children would've been harmed more by a divorce. If she would've gotten 50%, most, or complete custody; it would've certainly harmed them far more. It follows that if the children were harmed more by the divorce, it would've completely destroyed me.

 

So, from my experience, I can't say with any certainty when the 'right' time is. What I can say is that when you can get almost 100% or very near custody, that would, in my opinion, be the 'better' time to end it.

 

 

 

(Other posters can rip me a new one on that answer but it's the best I have to offer.)

[FreeNow]

Also, they have visitation day at the rehab she is in this Saturday. You have to be there at 8:45 am and stay until 1 pm. You have to have group with all the other visitors and their counselors for about an hour then you get to visit with the person you are there to see. Thing is, I have a feeling that they are gonna grill me for information about myself, my lifestyle, our kids lifestyle, etc. and basically give me an evaluation myself.

 

With a possbile custody situation coming up in the future between me and my SO I dont want to give them any reason to suspect ANYTHING negative about me, my kids, or ANYTHING. I have no skeletons AT ALL in my closet, they can drug test me or whatever they wanna do but I just dont want anything to be held against me later on for something I said or something that I wrote on a piece of paper during group, meetings, etc.

 

Anyone know anything or can give me insight about this situation?

 

Out of the ordinary for me to suggest; but they can't force you to do this group. Perhaps you can 'not cooperate' BUT still appear to cooperate. You could play being "too emotionally distraught by your wife's condition" to fully participate... y'know, show and say a little about loving her and being emotional about what she's going through right now and then act a little withdrawn (i.e. speak in generalities only and not really give any details). Yes, it's manipulative as hell but I share your concerns about the children in this process.

 

As to signing anything. Except for some fluffy declaration of 'helping' your wife or something equally harmless, they can't force you to sign anything. I mean what are they gonna do; not let you see her? Boo-Hoo for her if they don't... you are focusing on the children in your mind now. If they do come at you with anything to sign, act a bit dumb and say "wow this looks like a lot of legal stuff that I don't understand. I wouldn't want to sign something I don't understand without an attorney." Then be like a bit of an idiot when they try to 'explain' it to you... by sorta repeating the same things... they will get frustrated and give up. Again, what are they gonna do; not let you see her?

 

Normally, I think honesty is the best policy... but I've been with a manipulative spouse while trying to protect the children and honesty sometimes gets the innocent children hurt in the long run.

 

Perhaps the whole group thing will be innocent enough. However, I too would have some reservations given the situation.

 

Be the quiet guy in the group. Be a little 'dumb'. Just don't play things up to the point they think you are a psych case or have too low an IQ to take care of the children.

[FreeNow]

I need to add to my above two posts!

 

All of this could backfire on you too. These are just the opinions of some random schmuk on the internet.

 

Please follow your own thinking and especially that of your attorney.

 

If you can get one secretly right away, that would be a good idea in my opinion.

 

 

I sincerely wish you and your children the best in all of this.

[FreeNow]

I just thought of another option...

 

An unprovable excuse (you know, the kind she probably pulled on you many times before)... The car wouldn't start might work. Call the rehab to deliver a message apologizing (of course, right before the appointed time so it's too late for alternatives)... give the excuse.

 

This potentially could buy you time between this and the next visit to get an attorney and solid game plan going.

[FreeNow]

One problem with enablers is that we tend to be basically honest and assume the same of others.

 

Manipulating and lying just isn't our natural behavior.

[BellaBellaBella]

The issue here is more the safety of your children. How do you know she isn't going to put them in the car with out you around and drive drunk with them.

 

Stop thinking about her, and think of your kids. If the house or apartment is in your name you can stay there. Get a restraining order and make her stay away.

Get your lawyer to go for full custody and supervised visitation.

 

You need to provide your children with a safe and sane enviroment a cheating mother who is a drunk isn't it.

 

Make her prove herself to you. You can always change your mind later.

[UofLCards]

The issue here is more the safety of your children. How do you know she isn't going to put them in the car with out you around and drive drunk with them.

 

Stop thinking about her, and think of your kids. If the house or apartment is in your name you can stay there. Get a restraining order and make her stay away.

Get your lawyer to go for full custody and supervised visitation.

 

You need to provide your children with a safe and sane enviroment a cheating mother who is a drunk isn't it.

 

Make her prove herself to you. You can always change your mind later.

 

 

 

The house is not in my name. My plan would be to move in with my parents until I got on my feet to get my own place.

 

By "You can always change your mind later" do you mean filing for temp. custody, showing her I mean business and see if she changes? I think once I made my mind to leave it would be her final chance. I have been through too much with her to fully leave her then change my mind and move back in with her. That is the main reason why I want to make sure I am 110% sure of my decision before I leave because once I leave Im 110% done FOREVER!

[UofLCards]

I just thought of another option...

 

An unprovable excuse (you know, the kind she probably pulled on you many times before)... The car wouldn't start might work. Call the rehab to deliver a message apologizing (of course, right before the appointed time so it's too late for alternatives)... give the excuse.

 

This potentially could buy you time between this and the next visit to get an attorney and solid game plan going.

 

 

So your saying dont go to this visitations at her rehab until I talk to my attorney? My plan was to just go in there and be as vage about everything as I possibly could. Not give off very much information at all. I mean, they can't make me talk.

[eamherst14051]

As long as you can hold it together I like your idea the best.

[FreeNow]

So your saying dont go to this visitations at her rehab until I talk to my attorney? My plan was to just go in there and be as vage about everything as I possibly could. Not give off very much information at all. I mean, they can't make me talk.

 

I was just throwing out thoughts.

 

The first one was like you just wrote about... being vague. There are some ways to do that effectively in the first post about rehab visits. Your plan of being vague sounds like a good one.

The second was a thought about avoiding the first visit to buy time to get your legal stuff going.

 

 

BellaBellaBella has the best answer of all but I couldn't have done it that way in my situation.

[UofLCards]

I appreciate all of your responses. I am just lost on what to do. Like I said my mind tells me to just leave and be done but my heart tells me that I still love her and want to give her one last chance after she gets out of rehab. I know thats wrong but I can't seem to let her go very easily.

[FreeNow]

I understand... from similar experiences, I do.

 

If the ship sinks too far, take care of the children and you first!

[UofLCards]

Just got off work and wanted to post a question.

 

So, should I go to the visit my SO tomorrow at her rehab and just be as vage as I can when they ask me questions or should I wait and by some time until I can maybe talk to my lawyer and try and hold off until next Saturdays visitation day?

 

I know that most of you would just tell me to not even visit her, just pack my things and leave her while she is at rehab but it's not that easy for me. I know deep down inside that is the right thing to do but I still try and hold hope that we can get back to what we had before all this mess.

[whichwayisup]

You will know when the right time to leave is. Maybe she hasn't dragged you through the mud enough times for you to see who she is now. I get that you love her, want to give her more chances BUT she keeps blowing it! Every time you forgive her, she takes advantage of you.

The woman you once fell inlove with, married, had kids with, is gone. You need to seek counselling to help guide you, and do what is best for your kids.

 

This has affected your kids. Is it best for their mental health, growth and safety to stay? Would they be happier, less stressed in the long run if you did move out with them? All things you need to consider, this isn't just about you and what you want because you love your wife - Your choices now need to be also about their best interests.

 

If you decide to go see her, don't mention moving out. Be detached, distant and don't bring up anything, keep it light and keep the focus on HER getting better. She needs one day at a time to cope with her crap..And she has ALOT of crap.

 

Your wife has to show you in tons of actions that she's changed and willing to be your wife again, to be trustworthy, and it's going to take her a long time to figure stuff out, just going by what you've said. She doesn't seem to learn her lessons, suffering enough consquences, yet she's made very bad choices that affect her and everybody else, innocent people. She doesn't seem to recognize that!! Red flag!!

 

Talk to your lawyer, I think that is the best bet in this situation. You're vunerable and not ready to see her as the bad guy, which means she can manipulate you easily and tell you what you want to hear.

 

hope this helps.

[UofLCards]

You will know when the right time to leave is. Maybe she hasn't dragged you through the mud enough times for you to see who she is now. I get that you love her, want to give her more chances BUT she keeps blowing it! Every time you forgive her, she takes advantage of you.

The woman you once fell inlove with, married, had kids with, is gone. You need to seek counselling to help guide you, and do what is best for your kids.

 

This has affected your kids. Is it best for their mental health, growth and safety to stay? Would they be happier, less stressed in the long run if you did move out with them? All things you need to consider, this isn't just about you and what you want because you love your wife - Your choices now need to be also about their best interests.

 

If you decide to go see her, don't mention moving out. Be detached, distant and don't bring up anything, keep it light and keep the focus on HER getting better. She needs one day at a time to cope with her crap..And she has ALOT of crap.

 

Your wife has to show you in tons of actions that she's changed and willing to be your wife again, to be trustworthy, and it's going to take her a long time to figure stuff out, just going by what you've said. She doesn't seem to learn her lessons, suffering enough consquences, yet she's made very bad choices that affect her and everybody else, innocent people. She doesn't seem to recognize that!! Red flag!!

 

Talk to your lawyer, I think that is the best bet in this situation. You're vunerable and not ready to see her as the bad guy, which means she can manipulate you easily and tell you what you want to hear.

 

hope this helps.

 

 

That's the thing. I know that when I go see her she is going to tell me everything I want to hear. Like she is going to be a new person when she comes home, she is done with this OM, she is done with the partying and drinking. But deep down I know that she will more than likely be that same ol' person she was when she went in to rehab. I just cant take that person anymore, but with that being said I just cant find the strength in me to up and leave her. I want to get my stuff now and go but I dont know if I could ever live it down if I didnt give her that one last chance that she begged me to give her before she went to rehab. When I finally make my decision to leave I want to know for sure that I tried EVERYTHING in my power to change her and make things right with "us". Giving her this last chance will make or break our relationship. One last chance. I know it more than likely wont be any different but I think that for as long as we have been together and for the sake of our kids I can give her this one last chance.

[whichwayisup]

That's the thing. I know that when I go see her she is going to tell me everything I want to hear. Like she is going to be a new person when she comes home, she is done with this OM, she is done with the partying and drinking. But deep down I know that she will more than likely be that same ol' person she was when she went in to rehab. I just cant take that person anymore, but with that being said I just cant find the strength in me to up and leave her. I want to get my stuff now and go but I dont know if I could ever live it down if I didnt give her that one last chance that she begged me to give her before she went to rehab. When I finally make my decision to leave I want to know for sure that I tried EVERYTHING in my power to change her and make things right with "us". Giving her this last chance will make or break our relationship. One last chance. I know it more than likely wont be any different but I think that for as long as we have been together and for the sake of our kids I can give her this one last chance.

 

The chance isn't NOW, don't you see? By giving her one last chance at this particular time is setting her (and you) up for failure. She's broken. And fixing herself isnt' going to happen overnight either. It comes down to this. IF she wants you and the kids, life to be like it was and better, then she needs to continue in rehab, do counselling, and show you in actions she's ready for that second chance. She will do everything possible to work on herself.. Bringing her home after rehab when she still is a mess is only enabling her bad behaviour. Tell her she has another chance, but when SHE is ready. She needs to be on her own and get help. She can rely on parents, siblings etc, you can still see her but she isn't to live with you right now until she's proven she is better.

 

Choice is yours, if you feel you want to give her that one more chance, do it, but just know she'll fail due to where she is now.

[UofLCards]

The chance isn't NOW, don't you see? By giving her one last chance at this particular time is setting her (and you) up for failure. She's broken. And fixing herself isnt' going to happen overnight either. It comes down to this. IF she wants you and the kids, life to be like it was and better, then she needs to continue in rehab, do counselling, and show you in actions she's ready for that second chance. She will do everything possible to work on herself.. Bringing her home after rehab when she still is a mess is only enabling her bad behaviour. Tell her she has another chance, but when SHE is ready. She needs to be on her own and get help. She can rely on parents, siblings etc, you can still see her but she isn't to live with you right now until she's proven she is better.

 

Choice is yours, if you feel you want to give her that one more chance, do it, but just know she'll fail due to where she is now.

 

 

Well, she has no parents, siblings, or family that care enough about her to rely on them. Her parents are both passed, her aunts and uncles dont care much for her and wouldnt give her much at all if anything just like the rest of her other family. Im all basically that she has got.

 

Really Im wanting to give her this last chance to not only fulfill her one last wish she begged me for when she left to go to rehab but also for myself. I want to know that when I leave I tried everything I could and gave her more than enough chances to help our relationship. It's up to her to make this work. If she doesnt put forth the effort then she really doesnt want to be with me anyways. I will feel sorry for her and still love her but I dont want to live that way.

[whichwayisup]

Then do what you think is best. Put a time limit on it so a year from now, either she's with you, makng effort continuously and no OW, no drinking and partying it up, or she's out on her own.

 

Is the OM married? If so, tell his wife.

[UofLCards]

Then do what you think is best. Put a time limit on it so a year from now, either she's with you, makng effort continuously and no OW, no drinking and partying it up, or she's out on her own.

 

Is the OM married? If so, tell his wife.

 

 

No. The OM is not married. He is basically a loser. He has no steady job, no car, no real stable roof over his head he lives with his mother but she kicks him out very often then he goes and lives with friends. Everytime I brought that up to my SO about him and his loser ways she always tried to justify what she did by saying "he was fun". That overshadowed all that other stuff. So basically she just wanted someone to party with but dragged me through the dirt as well when they started to move into couple mode.

 

As far as having a time limit, my timelimit is one more chance. If she comes home shows me that she is trying to get better and better "us" after rehab then things might be able to work out for us slowly but surely. But if things go the same way that they were then I am done and packing up and moving out to my parents til I get on my feet.

 

Thing is I will have to get a court order to get my things out because I know that it will be WWII trying to get everything out. She wont just let me go freely without some drama thrown in the way. That's the whole reason for me considering packing up while she is at rehab. It would save all the drama I will face when I move out while she is home.