Partner slipping away,,,

[MarriedGuyNTennessee]

First time poster here. Haven't quite seen my problem posted before so here goes.

 

My wive and I have been together for 25 years with 20 of those married. We both work. Both career professionals. I am 44 and she is 41. We have always been compatible and argue or disagree very rarely. We have 2 teenaged sons one 17 and 14.

 

While not having a perfect marriage over the years, it has been dang close. She is the love of my life and my soulmate. We have experienced the same ups and downs over the years that I think most marriages experience. I have the higher labido between us. Knowing that up front, I am usually extra careful with her feelings during those times when things get kinda slow. I will even wait an extra few days before reminding her I need to reconnect with her.

 

I started noticing subtle changes about 6 months ago. Her sleeping patterns began to change. Going to bed extremely early and then waking up at 3AM. Other things were her temperament, little things would irritate her and make her overreact. We began to talk less. It was more small talk about the day in general. No talk about our future or upcoming events. Sex has diminished to once a month. She no longer cares how the house looks or if the laundry is caught up. Home cooked meals are a memory around here. Typically she is on Facebook within minutes of arriving home from work. Once she is off the computer she is suddenly in bed. She will get up in the middle of the night and get on Facebook again for an hour or two.

 

I began to grow suspicious and did a little investigating. Nothing out of the ordinary on Facebook or any odd sites on the computer. No chat logs to read. Her phone shows no odd numbers. Recently, while gathering the trash to be bagged up, I found a medicine package in the waste basket from her bathroom. It was a medicine used to treat depression called Pristiq. I pocketed the warning insert from it and decided to research it later. We had been down this road a few years earlier with a medication called Lexapro. My wife knows several nurse practioners who can write prescriptions for her. My wife has never been diagnosed as having depression. She refers to these pills as her "chill pills" that help her from being so nervous on the bad days at work.

 

As I said in the last paragraph, we had been down this road before. It caused the worst fight in our marriage but she finally agreed the side effects of these drugs weren't worth it destroying our family. Now I find she is back with something different this time. I feel betrayed. I have done everything I know of to reconnect with her. I have looked at myself trying to see if I have caused this shift in her away from me. Imagine finding the real reason is she is sneaking meds behind my back.

 

 

Each attempt to talk to her about this has been met with almost hostility. She accuses me of not believing depression is real and not understanding. I know it is real. I just want her to be diagnosed by competent medical personnel before self treating herself. A friend of ours works as a drug rep and has told me these drugs are the latest rage among the healthcare industry. Clinical work can be nerve wracking and these drugs are freely written and used to "take the edge off". Side effects be damned!

 

Meanwhile, the love of my life is becoming someone I don't even know anymore.

[AmIWrong]

I understand you feel betrayed. You can tell her as much, but be careful not to let your feelings dictate your behavior because in the end, the love of your life is still hurting. The best way you can help her now is to be a loving, compassionate listener. Also keep in mind early forties is the time when pre-menopause symptoms start. Maybe you can kindly suggest she talk to her doctor about it if she hasn't already. If all else fails maybe talking to a trusted friend or family member, or your pastor about your concern for her can help.

 

You came to a good place for advice. This board is full of folks who genuinely seem to care. I hope one of them will offer you some advice that helps. Good luck!

[jimrich]

re: I just want her to be diagnosed by competent medical personnel before self treating herself.

...I'd say that's your best route AFTER some deep and probing marriage counseling to uncover the real reasons for her 'depression' and shifting away from you. IMO, there are always deep, underlying causes of unhappy behaviors in folks.

good luck

[MarriedGuyNTennessee]

I appreciate the comments and advice. I am currently looking for a good christian based counselor that we can both go to. I guess betrayed is the best way to describe my feelings. I feel that my wife has a right to know about any health problem I may be having. I also feel I have that same right when it comes to her health. I don't like being excluded from decisions that clearly affect both of our lives.

 

In regards to being pre-menopausal, my wife has sworn for 5 years she was pre-menopausal. A blood test, taken for a totally diffferent purpose, revealed that she was no where near menopause. Again, the desire to self diagnose and self medicate.

 

Her basis for believing it is depression is based on the same idea as her supposed menopausal condition and that is family history. Her mother experienced early menopause, therefore being the daughter she is expected to as well. Depression in the later years of life runs in her father's family history. Therefore, according to my wife's logic, she is guaranteed to suffer it too and should be medicated for what MAY happen.

Edited December 2, 2010 by MarriedGuyNTennessee

[whichwayisup]

She needs to seek counselling asap and with the help of the Dr, go on meds, find the right one or combination of afew so she won't have awful side affects. You cannot dictate or control her depression, fact that she's hiding it from you just shows HOW MUCH she needs them but is scared to tell you.

 

I completely understand the frustration that goes along with depression, what it can not only do to the person who has it but those around them, family, etc..

 

google depressionfallout, there's alot of helpful information there, a book to read etc..

 

Your wife has depression, that's not going to go away. It's up to you to decide if you can handle a depressed spouse at times throughout your marriage. She loves you but isn't herself right now. Be understanding and supportive, I think once she knows you have her back, she won't lie and hide this stuff from you anymore.

[MarriedGuyNTennessee]

I agree with you on many points. I do support my wife in most everything she endeavors. I seriously doubt my wife fears me at all. The very fact I have allowed all this to reach the point it has gives one a pretty good idea of my easy attitude on things.

 

However, the fact still remains that she is abusing prescription medicine since she has NEVER been DIAGNOSED by COMPETENT medical personnel as being depressed. All I have asked at this point is for her condition to be followed up on by a specialist. If the specialist agrees with the diagnosis and meds being used to treat it, then it represents a whole different reality and one I can readily accept and support her in.

 

Thanks for the reply!

[giotto]

I feel for you. Our marriage of 20 years HAS been destroyed by ADs. My wife is not depressed, but she has recurrent thoughts due to her upbringing issues. She has been diagnosed, but won't face her demons by going to counselling for her issues. My wife too started taking ADs without consulting me. The side effects have destroyed our sexual life and made me pretty angry about it (which made things worse). I know she was going "mad" (her words), but what about consulting me before taking such an important step in her life? Also, because I didn't know about the ADs, I also didn't know what was going on, why she wasn't interested anymore. Not sharing these facts with your partner is betrayal, really. How can you be sympathetic and help if you are in the dark? I also believe you should insist on having her examined by a professional...

[MarriedGuyNTennessee]

Thanks Giotto. Your post brings up many good points. I, too, have suffered from my wife's decisions and was given no choice in the matter. All I knew for sure was she suddenly was no longer in the mood. It made me begin to question if I was the problem? Was there someone else? Was I no longer enough for her? My self esteem and self worth began to suffer. It made me question almost every facet of myself and our marriage.

 

Once I found out the truth I did have some anger towards her over it. I resented her for putting me through all this. I resented her not seeming to care about us enough to be open and honest about things. I still find it difficult that she so flippantly made a decision on her own that so severely impacted us both.

 

The anger is what I am currently seeking counseling for us both on now. Her depression, be it real or imagined, can be easily diagnosed and properly treated. The anger and betrayal I feel at her selfishness, secrecy, and uncaringness for my feelings through all this are what concern me.

[giotto]

Thanks Giotto. Your post brings up many good points. I, too, have suffered from my wife's decisions and was given no choice in the matter. All I knew for sure was she suddenly was no longer in the mood. It made me begin to question if I was the problem? Was there someone else? Was I no longer enough for her? My self esteem and self worth began to suffer. It made me question almost every facet of myself and our marriage.

 

Once I found out the truth I did have some anger towards her over it. I resented her for putting me through all this. I resented her not seeming to care about us enough to be open and honest about things. I still find it difficult that she so flippantly made a decision on her own that so severely impacted us both.

 

The anger is what I am currently seeking counseling for us both on now. Her depression, be it real or imagined, can be easily diagnosed and properly treated. The anger and betrayal I feel at her selfishness, secrecy, and uncaringness for my feelings through all this are what concern me.

 

pretty much the same thing... for me it's the fact that it was a done thing too and I had no saying in it. Fair enough, she wasn't well, but not that bad, really (and yes, I know this for sure). We were supposed to be a team. We had 2 kids at the time. I just felt betrayed, because it's a life-changing decision and you are not told. This is not marriage. For me, the whole thing has been compounded by my wife's refusal to deal with her issues. Hello? Yes, you are married to me? Maybe you owe to our marriage to deal with it? Or maybe not. Maybe I'm the selfish one... this is how she made me feel for many years...