eerie_reverie Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 My boyfriend told me this weekend that he thinks he loves me uncondtionally. That there is nothing I can do to make him judge me or stop caring about me. He said he wasn't sure whether or not this was good as unconditional means he is not constantly on his toes about me since I can do pretty much anything and his feelings don't change. He is afraid that with this kind of relationship I will start to think he takes me for granted. Not exactly sure what he meant, but anyway. My questions. Do you think unconditional love is the ultimate goal in relationships? Is it important in a long-term one, or can it be detrimental? We broke up recently for two months but got back together and have basically morphed into being best friends that are relaly affectionate, take care of each other, spend almost every moment together, and have sex. I've definitely never loved him (or anyone) more than I do now but it's almost like my feelings have changed into very familial ones (esp. after a recent crisis we went through together), although of course I am still highly attracted to him. I guess I am just afraid to go down this path because I worry he will miss that butterfly passion that comes from not knowing what is up the other person's sleeve.... I'm know being unclear but it's because I've never been in this part of a relationship before. He is my first real boyfriend and previously, after the honeymoon phase (which lasted more than a year with him and was GREAT), I think our relationship consisted of unmet expectations on both sides. We didn't know how to handle not being in the honeymoon phase anymore and eventually the stress of that broke us up. Now we are back together and it is completley changed and I am not sure what to make of it. I am hoping someone with more experience who has gone through this kind of thing will tell me what is happening. My words 4 years ago. I keep re-reading the bold part. I can't stop crying. How was I so ****ed up? Why couldn't I recognize what I had? Why couldn't I understand what he meant, and just paused, to be happy. As a kid, I wanted to be someone else. I'd escaped to my fantasies, where I was, literally, another person. I was still a kid when I met him. He knew who I was and he loved me inside and out, but I didn't understand the significance. I was always trying to twist our relationship into what it would be with the person I wanted to be. I still miss him so much. It's a dull gnawing ache in my chest, everpresent, unquestioned. I don't know why anymore. It's been too long, I don't remember.
Livelovelearn Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Hi there, I must say your previous post from 4 years back touched me. It made me very emotional as i was going through a similar situation and we got back together last year, only he lost the `butterfly feeling`i guess as we argued because we never solved our initial problems and he said he didnt feel the same. I miss him alot. Anyway back to you, i have never read your previous posts, what happened between you and him?
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 How was I so ****ed up? Why couldn't I recognize what I had? Why couldn't I understand what he meant, and just paused, to be happy. As a kid, I wanted to be someone else. I'd escaped to my fantasies, where I was, literally, another person. I was still a kid when I met him. He knew who I was and he loved me inside and out, but I didn't understand the significance. I was always trying to twist our relationship into what it would be with the person I wanted to be. I still miss him so much. It's a dull gnawing ache in my chest, everpresent, unquestioned. I don't know why anymore. It's been too long, I don't remember. Sometimes you have to lose them before you can appreciate the things that are can truly bring you happiness in life. You will have another shot at something like this... and now that you get it... I know you won't let it fall away.
Els Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Spookie, didn't this guy contact you to meet up recently? What became of that?
denise_xo Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I think one has to treat unconditional love and relationship dynamics somewhat separately. I'll illustrate with a personal example: Many years ago, I was dating an alcoholic. He was a beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, and attractive man. At the same time, he was pretty messed up and when he was drunk he would do things like stand me up or turn on me and get quite nasty in ways I really didn't anticipate. Needless to say, it didn't last very long. But when it ended, I could still say that I loved him for who he was at heart - a beautiful, intelligent, sensitive and attractive man. In other words, I had the same kind of love for him when it ended than when I first experienced or acknowledged that feeling of love. But I knew that due to the realities of his life and the dynamics that created between us, there was no way in hell that it was going to go anywhere. If I had allowed the love I had for him to make me not react to his behaviour, it would have been detrimental for me as I would basically have used 'love' as an excuse to have this man treat me like ****. But I still loved the man that was swimming around somewhere beneath all the alcohol. I think it's that love that protected me at the time towards feeling resentful or bitter or anything like that. So, in terms of this then Do you think unconditional love is the ultimate goal in relationships? Is it important in a long-term one, or can it be detrimental? If 'unconditional' means 'I'll accept any behaviour from my partner because I love him/her' - definitely detrimental. If 'unconditional' means the ability to fully love your partner for who he/she is, yes definitely an important ingredient in a relationship.
Author eerie_reverie Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 Spookie, didn't this guy contact you to meet up recently? What became of that? We live in different parts of the country now - our "date" is not till February. Having him in my life again in some capacity, I have been making the trip down memory lane more often, which always leaves me heartbroken all over again.
northern_sky Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 You know how I feel. If you want the highest chance of happiness and love, forget him, become proactive about following your creative dreams and also meeting a lot of new guys. Move maybe. Shake your life up. Become the kind of girl that guys flock to. You have it in you. I think you are in a rut at the moment, and this is why you're mired in the past.
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