So I don't know how I'm supposed to fit into all of this.(Short bloggish post inside)

[durkadurka]

Hi guys,

 

Preamble

 

I'm not going to post this in the coping thread because I'm not coping. I'm trying to figure out if I should be a part of her life. What role I am willing to accept, if any, or whether I should just accept life is what it is and shelf it away as being a part of the past.

 

 

My threads have been fairly well publicized and discussed to death over the last few months. My ex and I, though we loved each other, were in way over our heads for our age. We both made mistakes. We both dispute our own responsibility for our relationship falling apart. Ultimately, I don't feel specifics are necessary, we were victims of our own ambitions, immaturity, and the conflict inside of ourselves.

 

But nothing was bigger and had more influence on her and me, than the guilt she had for living the high life with me, while her parents were suffering financially down in the States. Also, she did not try to get a challenging job, or meet new people, these were things she had to want to do on her own, not something I feel that I should have to or force her to do. If she was unwilling to help herself, or try to make our relationship better, that's a pretty telling thing. The only jobs she applied for were interviews my parents tried to hook her up for.

 

I feel that this stems from a subconscious need to make herself so uncomfortable here, she would be forced to leave. I felt like I was in stuck in quicksand, and couldn't move forward, or backwards. I let the love of my life slip away because I had become disillusioned. We shared special moments and I will never forget them. I will never forget her. I have this hole in my heart and it pains me every time I acknowledge that it's there.

 

We often dispute why I became withdrawn. In my eyes, I withdrew because I could not and would not become involved in her family's problems. It was something she needed to solve, and something I was uncomfortable with being a part in. The love of my life moved away in June, to try and help her parents out of trouble.

 

I visited in July, ultimately, she didn't hear what she wanted, nor was I worth enough to say anything to about wanting to fix our relationship. Part of that is my fault, but I did all the right things. In August, she told me she was seeing someone. Without question, this was/is a rebound, given her situation down there. She needed stability, she reached out to a person twice her age. He's 34, she's 23.

 

We stopped talking in September. There was really nothing left to say or talk about. Apparently, I wasn't worth enough to talk to and try and resolve our issues.

 

To this day, she's in turmoil. She's broke, she's gained weight, her dad was laid off last week, and her brother is now joining the US Army - Infantry. They have lost their health insurance, about to lose their car insurance, filed for Unemployment Insurance, and stand a very high chance of losing their house, unless something dramatically changes soon. E.G. this business proposal she has been working on makes a dramatic turn around. Last week, her father's former co-worker who was also laid off shot himself in front of his kids. Life is bad.

 

 

Body

 

Going too deep into the past is a waste of time and is immaterial to what's at hand. We were both young, we both made mistakes, and I am content to separate the past from the present.

 

Since she's left I've come to a lot of realizations about my own life, who I am, and where I want to be. I've got the travel bug, I've started playing sports again, lost 25 pounds, and I'm back in school full time (something that I was unable to do because my EX became a full time job). Unfortunately, they have come a little bit late. I no longer have a companion to do things with. It has been hard to come home to nothing, hard to not see her smile, and hard to not hear her voice or to hear the calm soothing voice that would say 'I love you'.

 

 

I am not a bad person. Time has only provided clarity for me to identify what is important. My only regret is that there was nothing I could do to help the girl who wanted to marry me. That I did not possess the clarity to identify the long term, no matter how hard the short term was, though, I don't think there was a long term solution for us that didn't involve us breaking up, or her moving to be with her parents. The plan started off with her moving back to the States, then I would follow her down eventually. This plan never materialized, her parents baited her home, I collapsed under the weight of it all, the lack of confidence in our relationship, in myself, and in her.

 

When I heard what was going on for my ex, it saddened me. I would never wish suffering on anyone (okay that's a lie), but I would never wish suffering upon her. The circumstances that led to our break up were out of my control. About 3 weeks ago, after not talking to her for several weeks. She called me. I didn't pick up. It was followed by a few texts over the next few days which I didn't respond to. Eventually, she told me she put her bid in on these companies she's trying to buy, I sent her an untagged bouquet of flowers. I wanted her to know that someone was thinking about her. I am sure she doesn't hear that enough at home. Her parents always short change her. I didn't want any credit.

 

Eventually, she figured out who it was from. After not talking for several weeks she called and said she had been thinking about me for a very long time. My flowers, she said, were the best surprise she's had in months, and that the timing was even more perfect. She said that she missed me, that she often thought about if I could fit into her life where she was now, and if so, what I would do. She also said that on halloween, the guy she is seeing was a total pansy, and wouldn't drive home after only one drink but that I was a real man and that she knew I would. She also said she wishes that she could see me.

 

After a few days of thought, we decided to meet in Vegas. I owed her some money, and she had some cash, though, I paid for a sizable chunk of our trip. She was excited as it was an escape that she needed, and something she deserved. Though, ironically, one would think she'd go with the person she's seeing. I have no idea why she would want to go with me. The lead up to Vegas was filled with sleepless nights for her, as she was incredibly excited.

 

This is where I need Advice

 

Suffice to say, the trip was full of intrigue and subtleties, and has left me with a lot of questions, and mixed feelings.

 

I am not sure if I want to be a conduit for facilitating the bringing happiness to her. We dated, she broke my heart, and as much as I care for her, I've never accepted coming in second best for anything.

 

To know she's going home and will be taking the guy to her friends wedding this weekend is a knife through my heart. The only thing that intrigues me is what was said this weekend, some things were awkward, others were shocking and surprising.

 

On Friday, when I arrived, she was over the moon to see me saying how much she missed me. She was very affectionate, holding my hand, giving me kisses on the cheek, telling me how smoking hot and attractive I was. I, obviously and with good reason, was reserved trying to not buy into it too much as I didn't want my heart broken again. When we went out for drinks after landing, she brought up that if we got married, she would want a big wedding, and thought we both would deserve it considering the ***** we've been through together.

 

We shared a bed, held hands, and kissed throughout the trip.

 

Saturday, things got even more intriguing. When we went out, she said she felt like she was disappointing me. She said she picked out and bought this really hot dress for me. She wasn't, I was just being reserved. Later on in the night, I told her how I felt about her still. She zoned out for a bit, before ultimately breaking down in tears telling me that she wishes we could have sex, and that the reason she isn't is not because she isn't attracted to me, or doesn't crave it, but that she realizes that it isn't about sex, it isn't about this one trip, but rather it is much bigger than that. She also says she feels loyalty to me, and loyalty to the person that she is seeing. She also has no idea where her life is going and thinks it would be unfair for anyone to be a part of.

 

Sunday rolls around, and things get a bit weird. We were walking around in the Cristian Dior store, when the sales woman says we make such a great couple. My ex turns and says, yeah and wouldn't we make beautiful kids?

 

When we walk out of the store, she says we make the hottest couple. (To be candid, we do, we're both pretty good looking people).

 

My thoughts start wandering to, okay, what's the problem here then?

 

The girl was asking me for back rubs will wandering around our room naked under her robe.

 

The problem I had with the entire trip is that she kept on saying she just wants to be friends. Great, I get it. The mixed signals though are ridiculous. She kept on saying 'you never know what will happen in the future' or 'you never know, we might get back together' and stuff along those lines. She also said how much fun she was having with me, and that this trip was one of the best times of her life, and that she wants to go to my place in Hawaii (as friends).

 

I don't really want to come off as an extortionist, but stuff like that is reserved for special people in my life. Not a friend. If I did that stuff with everyone, the people that I did care about wouldn't feel special.

 

When she dropped me off at my gate before I jumped on the flight, I got one big kiss on the lips, before she wandered over to her gate.

 

 

Today I got this message on facebook.

 

Missing you! Thank you again for an amazing vacation, I can't stop thinking about it. My parents can't believe you made that biscotti, they love it! I think it is all going to be gone by the end of the night . I ate half of it on my flight!!!

 

Hope you had a good day back in the real world.

 

I miss waking up in Vegas!

 

Xoxoxo

Shortly thereafter, she called, telling me her meetings today went really poorly. That she really missed me, wishes we were still in Vegas together, and that it proved we can make really good friends.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't want to be friends. If anything, it proved we could be a good couple again.

 

 

 

I don't really know how to react to this whole situation, I imagine that the guy she's 'seeing' now must be mortified, or has no self respect. I just don't know if I should bide my time, or walk away, because it's impossible to switch off the physical attraction I feel for her.

 

I've never in my life accepted being second best. To accept being friends would be to capitulate, atleast that's how I feel.

Edited December 2, 2010 by durkadurka

[Don_da_Ho]

I don't want to be friends. If anything, it proved we could be a good couple again. I don't really know how to react to this whole situation, I imagine that the guy she's 'seeing' now must be mortified, or has no self respect. I just don't know if I should bide my time, or walk away, because it's impossible to switch off the physical attraction I feel for her. I've never in my life accepted being second best. To accept being friends would be to capitulate, atleast that's how I feel.

 

Durka, I don't remember your story. Maybe you can give us the Reader's Digest version in four sentences. As much as you want a "decision" or don't want to be in limbo, I would suggest that you play it cool and ride it out. I'm assuming you don't know the details about her and her other guy, maybe they're not getting along as well as you think or she's missing you or having second thoughts. I think it may be tough for her to switch off the physical attraction for her too. Remember: it's not always what a woman SAYS, it's what she DOES. In this case she met you in LV and had a great time. Keep it positive with her, keep your mouth shut and ride it out. Unless, of course, you do not want to get back together with her, then you can do or say whatever you like.

[durkadurka]

Durka, I don't remember your story. Maybe you can give us the Reader's Digest version in four sentences. As much as you want a "decision" or don't want to be in limbo, I would suggest that you play it cool and ride it out. I'm assuming you don't know the details about her and her other guy, maybe they're not getting along as well as you think or she's missing you or having second thoughts. I think it may be tough for her to switch off the physical attraction for her too. Remember: it's not always what a woman SAYS, it's what she DOES. In this case she met you in LV and had a great time. Keep it positive with her, keep your mouth shut and ride it out. Unless, of course, you do not want to get back together with her, then you can do or say whatever you like.

 

Reader's digest version:

 

Girl graduates from University in April '09. Moves in with boyfriend, but house sits for 9 months of the year. Girl asks boyfriend to stay over, and gets upset with he leaves to go home, get a change of clothes, study or needs some alone time. Sometimes boyfriend would go to work in the same clothes for 2-3 days in a row.

 

Girl doesn't apply for jobs, or try and make friends. Boyfriend changes jobs to spend more time together.

 

Girl starts feeling guilty about living, makes herself miserable. Boyfriend starts to withdraw and becomes miserable.

 

Girl's parents announce to boyfriend that she's thinking about leaving him. Boyfriend becomes even more withdrawn. Eventually, boyfriend has no faith in the relationship to push it ahead, and girl's parents are on brink of bankruptcy. Girl decides to go home to help her family.

 

I think that's the crux of it.

 

No, you're right I don't know the details and I might have been a bit guilty of pushing the envelope this weekend. The important thing is, she said she had a blast. She admitted it's been impossible to turn off the physical attraction, as a matter of fact before we went out the first night she said 'you're ****ing hot'.

 

I just have to keep my mouth shut and not do anything silly which is something I am guilty of.

[Don_da_Ho]

Sounds like you were doing too much for her and not being much of a challenge. You were acquiescing to her in the past and that's not very attractive. Like I said, if you want her back (which might be risky) you're going to have to ride it out and she how she behaves. No, don't do anything silly and DON'T ask her how she's feeling or what she's thinking !! I would also use her physical attraction to you to your advantage; in person meetings could be more compelling for her than texts or calls.

[durkadurka]

Sounds like you were doing too much for her and not being much of a challenge. You were acquiescing to her in the past and that's not very attractive. Like I said, if you want her back (which might be risky) you're going to have to ride it out and she how she behaves. No, don't do anything silly and DON'T ask her how she's feeling or what she's thinking !! I would also use her physical attraction to you to your advantage; in person meetings could be more compelling for her than texts or calls.

 

Yeah maybe I was making things too easy for her, but I haven't asked about how she's doing. I actually was being quite challenging for a while, and she did escalate the level of intimacy from nothing, to holding hands, to kissing me on the cheek, to kissing me on the lips.

 

I just couldn't get her to push it further.

 

I did challenge her in the sense that I said if she wants an awesome time then, I guess she's going to have to do something with me. To which she responded 'Oh, you're sooooooo bad.'

 

We don't even live in the same city anymore so face to face is hard.

Edited December 2, 2010 by durkadurka