Forgiving....

[PortuguesePrincess80]

This has been on my mind for awhile and I wanted to ask at what point did you as a BS forgive? 8 months after D-Day and I'm still wondering if forgiveness is something I have done or not with my spouse. As much as we've been closer and re-connecting with each other on many different levels...I find myself wondering if I have in fact forgiven him.

I also don't really care to forgive the OW. I know there have been discussions on here about forgiving them in order to heal..but I seriously couldnt care less if she dropped dead.

 

At what point did you have the whole ha ha moment and said okay...I can truly say I have forgiven him/her? Because as much as I'd like to say I'm so over it...and I really do feel that I am...theres still this forgiving thing lingering for me.

[Spark1111]

This has been on my mind for awhile and I wanted to ask at what point did you as a BS forgive? 8 months after D-Day and I'm still wondering if forgiveness is something I have done or not with my spouse. As much as we've been closer and re-connecting with each other on many different levels...I find myself wondering if I have in fact forgiven him.

I also don't really care to forgive the OW. I know there have been discussions on here about forgiving them in order to heal..but I seriously couldnt care less if she dropped dead.

 

At what point did you have the whole ha ha moment and said okay...I can truly say I have forgiven him/her? Because as much as I'd like to say I'm so over it...and I really do feel that I am...theres still this forgiving thing lingering for me.

 

FOr me it was somewhere around 2.5 years after DDAY that I could see the situation without seething about it.

 

I think my last hurdle was my own ego, it's pretty healthy;), and I just could not believe this had happened to ME. That caused some lingering resentment that took a while for me to deal with.

 

The worst anger erupted for me at about a year into the reconicilation. It came from my toes and I rode the affair rollercoaster for quite some time. Even my IC said, "you say you have forgiven him but you are not there yet. I sense you want to forgive him, or think you should forgive him, but you haven't."

 

He was right.

 

It wasn't the affair, it was the lying and deception necessary to continue the affair that devastated my trust in him. And I am not sure who I was angriest at: Him, for lying to me? Or myself, for being so naive about his lies.

 

After that came respecting him again. And while he has changed in so many wonderful ways, the truth is I do not respect him as much as I did pre-affair.

 

Maybe I never will, because this has shown what a weak individual he was, so susceptible to external validation from a flirtatious co-worker that he self-destructed all I held dear: Our marriage, our family, our history together will be forever tainted my this sordid nonsense.

 

Have I forgiven him today? Oh yes. But when I realize two needy, insecure, idiots almost succeeded in destroying all I had worked oh so hard to acheive for us and our family, respect is much harder for me to come by.

[bentnotbroken]

I am not sure there was a "true" ahhh hah moment. I think I made up my mind pretty early on to try to forgive. I said the words, I prayed about it, I talked with them both and moved forward. The problem was that neither of them wanted to leave me alone:sick:. So the forgiveness had to happen over and over again. Sometimes it was easy depending on the stupid thing that one of them did. Sometimes I wanted to break their behinds into smaller pieces. It was as if forgiveness came with a price.

 

I wondered if I hadn't and did what I naturally wanted to do, would I have been left alone a lot sooner. But that isn't what God instructed me to do. Forgiving those we like is an easy process...it requires no sacrifice on my part. But forgiving those who hurt you and seem as if they want to continue the hurt...is where the true test is. I don't like failing tests, even if it is painful.

 

There are days when something triggers the memories(exposure to STD's), not as intense, but still there. Then I have to forgive again. Fortunately as I get farther away from that part of my life, the more infrequent those episodes are.

[What_Next]

3 months after my own D-day I wish I could answer this question. I cannot. In fact I really don't even know if I ever will truly forgive. I am not concerning myself with that right now though.

 

I think about the actual act less and less now. That's for sure and I suppose that is a positive. I am focusing on the "why" rather than the "what" now and I also assume that is positive.

 

Right now I just do not see us together in the future. Then again I am not looking too far into the future.

 

I still have days and moments of extreme anger! Boy the anger. I also can and often do cry at the drop of a hat. The one emotion that has lessened is confusion.

 

The bottom line is that there is no clear answer to this question. My wife and I began MC again (we had tried it when she was having her affair, it was a farce) and with only 1 session I can see that it might help.

 

This process will take years and I seriously doubt my wife's ability or desire to go through this hard road, but I will let her actions dictate what happens.

[Summer Breeze]

As a BW I knew I couldn't forgive to the point it'd allow things to ever be close to 'right' again. I ended it because I knew I didn't have it within me. I had nothing to forgive the OW for, it was all him.

 

I really wish I could have been the person that could have forgiven, but even in my early 20s I knew myself well enough to know I wasn't. I think I saved us both a whole lotta heartache and time.

[young&inlove]

11 months after.

 

I want to forgive. But mainly I want to forget. I want my life back. I had friends. I dont trust anyone now because of it. I am 21.

 

Some days I just want our marriage to be over. Over because something sparked my remembering those 11 months ago, I wasn’t what my husband wanted. He told me he was just searching for something. I don’t know what and I don’t think he does either. We fight a lot over stupid petty things now. We were doing well as a couple (or so I thought). I didn’t see it coming. The OW was my best friend. I knew they were texting often. I honestly didn’t think that in my wildest nightmare they would ever go behind my back together. Now I know I was wrong.

 

I feel that I have forgiven him. I know deep down that I haven’t. Every time we get into a fight, we know it is because of what happened. I am hoping that things get better for today is going alright but tomorrow is a whole other day. Forgiving hasn’t always been my specialty. I am one to hold grudges and spite. I have tried so hard to get the thought out of my mind for months.

 

I also believe that forgiving the WS is a case by case thing. If you want it to work out, I believe it shall.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

FOr me it was somewhere around 2.5 years after DDAY that I could see the situation without seething about it.

 

I think my last hurdle was my own ego, it's pretty healthy;), and I just could not believe this had happened to ME. That caused some lingering resentment that took a while for me to deal with.

 

The worst anger erupted for me at about a year into the reconicilation. It came from my toes and I rode the affair rollercoaster for quite some time. Even my IC said, "you say you have forgiven him but you are not there yet. I sense you want to forgive him, or think you should forgive him, but you haven't."

 

He was right.

 

It wasn't the affair, it was the lying and deception necessary to continue the affair that devastated my trust in him. And I am not sure who I was angriest at: Him, for lying to me? Or myself, for being so naive about his lies.

 

After that came respecting him again. And while he has changed in so many wonderful ways, the truth is I do not respect him as much as I did pre-affair.

 

Maybe I never will, because this has shown what a weak individual he was, so susceptible to external validation from a flirtatious co-worker that he self-destructed all I held dear: Our marriage, our family, our history together will be forever tainted my this sordid nonsense.

 

Have I forgiven him today? Oh yes. But when I realize two needy, insecure, idiots almost succeeded in destroying all I had worked oh so hard to acheive for us and our family, respect is much harder for me to come by.

 

Thanks for the post Spark. I suppose I'm also not so stuck on the affair itself...the lies and deceit is more or less the killer with me too. Not happy...get the f out right? And now its like he's making up for lost time...which is good don't get me wrong...but it also could've been prevented had he been honest with me from the get go!

 

In either case...I understand the whole respect aspect as well. That is something I certainly need to work on. Although I'm NOT disrespectful to him...I know it will be a long while before I even get to the point of having that certain respect I once had for him, which I know kills him inside. I am considerably open with him in all aspects..as he is with me, something we both considerably lacked pre affair.

 

Funny thing is I also have a healthy ego...very confident in many aspects of my life. Then I get cheated on after 14 years? Its like a serious slap to the face...I'm getting better with time...but I dont have it in me to forgive yet. I guess 2.5 years may be right for me too...who knows. Maybe I'll never forgive?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

11 months after.

 

I want to forgive. But mainly I want to forget. I want my life back. I had friends. I dont trust anyone now because of it. I am 21.

 

Some days I just want our marriage to be over. Over because something sparked my remembering those 11 months ago, I wasn’t what my husband wanted. He told me he was just searching for something. I don’t know what and I don’t think he does either. We fight a lot over stupid petty things now. We were doing well as a couple (or so I thought). I didn’t see it coming. The OW was my best friend. I knew they were texting often. I honestly didn’t think that in my wildest nightmare they would ever go behind my back together. Now I know I was wrong.

 

I feel that I have forgiven him. I know deep down that I haven’t. Every time we get into a fight, we know it is because of what happened. I am hoping that things get better for today is going alright but tomorrow is a whole other day. Forgiving hasn’t always been my specialty. I am one to hold grudges and spite. I have tried so hard to get the thought out of my mind for months.

 

I also believe that forgiving the WS is a case by case thing. If you want it to work out, I believe it shall.

 

Hey there young&inlove. I have read your story..and I can't even imagine what you have dealt with. Unfortuantely I don't thing you will ever forget this...as much as you would like to...I don't see it happening. That was a major double whammy for you. And you are so young..and no kids? Honey I know how easy it is for others to say move on but why didn't you? OMG or even knock that wench out? LOL I know I'd have a posse over that girls house in no time...especially it being my best friend. Thats really hard to process. Sorry your still in pain.

[wicar1]

This has been on my mind for awhile and I wanted to ask at what point did you as a BS forgive? 8 months after D-Day and I'm still wondering if forgiveness is something I have done or not with my spouse. As much as we've been closer and re-connecting with each other on many different levels...I find myself wondering if I have in fact forgiven him.

I also don't really care to forgive the OW. I know there have been discussions on here about forgiving them in order to heal..but I seriously couldnt care less if she dropped dead.

 

At what point did you have the whole ha ha moment and said okay...I can truly say I have forgiven him/her? Because as much as I'd like to say I'm so over it...and I really do feel that I am...theres still this forgiving thing lingering for me.

 

You can never forgive, you will have the same doubt even after 30 years...

[PortuguesePrincess80]

You can never forgive, you will have the same doubt even after 30 years...

 

Fortunately I'm not as bitter as you. Thanks for you not so thoughtful post...

[East7]

IMHO :

 

Forgiving is not something you can decide and force unless it comes naturally.

 

"Forgive but not forget" doesn't exists ! Forget = Forgive.

 

For a woman (whether married or not) the core of the problem is TRUST. When a woman looses trust in her partner, she can hardly love him again.

 

For a man the core problem is PRIDE but trust occupies a good part as well.

[bentnotbroken]

IMHO :

 

Forgiving is not something you can decide and force unless it comes naturally.

 

"Forgive but not forget" doesn't exists ! Forget = Forgive.

 

For a woman (whether married or not) the core of the problem is TRUST. When a woman looses trust in her partner, she can hardly love him again.

 

For a man the core problem is PRIDE but trust occupies a good part as well.

 

 

That can't possible be true. How do you forget something that shapes your life...good or bad? We are shaped by our experiences, that is shaped not warped. No where in the bible does it say you are supposed to forget what has happened to you because those experiences lead you to help others get through them if only an ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on. I forgive the drunk driver who killed my cousin. He is suffering everyday knowing he took a person from people who loved him, especially his children. He has turned his life around and he speaks out against drunk driving. Am I supposed to forget that my cousin is dead and how he died? Do I forget the pain it caused our entire family? No, because his death has shaped the way we do things. We have had to adjust to him not being here.

 

There is no difference in betrayal. Forgetting that the betrayal occurred doesn't erase the effects. Some of which are forever a part of life(those dealing with an OC or STD). Forgiving leaves room for remembering and healing. If one can't forgive and not use the past as a hammer to remind, then true forgiveness has not occurred. It may take daily forgiving, in some cases minute by minute.

 

Forgiveness is a requirement by God because he died for us so that our sins can be forgiven when we ask. You can't get what you don't give.

[What_Next]

East7 while I do appreciate your opinion I would dare say that pretty much any BS here would say they aren't going to forget. I know I personally NEVER will forget. Now that's not to say I won't eventually forgive. Forgiveness is another step in this journey for me.

 

I have learned to put it the background of my mind for now to attempt to see if I can cope with it. Some people might be able to make that snap decision on D-day or near after to forgive outright and I commend them for that, but I certainly am not one of them. For me forgiveness will come over time and I'll admit that I cannot be 100% sure it will ever come. If it comes to that I will end it with my wife.

[East7]

 

There is no difference in betrayal. Forgetting that the betrayal occurred doesn't erase the effects. Some of which are forever a part of life(those dealing with an OC or STD). Forgiving leaves room for remembering and healing. If one can't forgive and not use the past as a hammer to remind, then true forgiveness has not occurred. It may take daily forgiving, in some cases minute by minute.

 

Forgiveness is a requirement by God because he died for us so that our sins can be forgiven when we ask. You can't get what you don't give.

 

Of course forgiving is very honorable and a virtue in every culture.

 

Forgiving = forgetting is based on Reality factor.

As much as we never forget 100%, as much we don't fully forgive even if we try or convince ourselves.

 

And that works on both sides BS / AP. Most of the AP wouldn't forgive their MAP for being thrown under the bus. They will move on and heal but, I can hardly imagine an xAP taking back a MAP who they don't trust.

 

 

East7 while I do appreciate your opinion I would dare say that pretty much any BS here would say they aren't going to forget. I know I personally NEVER will forget. Now that's not to say I won't eventually forgive. Forgiveness is another step in this journey for me.

 

I have learned to put it the background of my mind for now to attempt to see if I can cope with it. Some people might be able to make that snap decision on D-day or near after to forgive outright and I commend them for that, but I certainly am not one of them. For me forgiveness will come over time and I'll admit that I cannot be 100% sure it will ever come. If it comes to that I will end it with my wife.

 

I agree. I would add that Forgiveness is related to Ressentment (You) and Remorse (your W). There can't be forgiveness until you have zero resentment and she has proven true remorse. That's a hard part of it but the hardest is to trust again.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

East7 while I do appreciate your opinion I would dare say that pretty much any BS here would say they aren't going to forget. I know I personally NEVER will forget. Now that's not to say I won't eventually forgive. Forgiveness is another step in this journey for me.

 

I have learned to put it the background of my mind for now to attempt to see if I can cope with it. Some people might be able to make that snap decision on D-day or near after to forgive outright and I commend them for that, but I certainly am not one of them. For me forgiveness will come over time and I'll admit that I cannot be 100% sure it will ever come. If it comes to that I will end it with my wife.

 

I'm with you on this one What_Next. If I can't find it in me to have this whole "aha moment" and forgive him whole-heartedly than I don't see the point either. I don't agree with the whole if you can't trust him then you can't love him theory. Just go to the OW/OM boards..they are filled with loved and no trust for their married affair parnters...LOL

 

In either case...I believe time does heal all wounds. Not only time..but lots of hard work as well!

[young&inlove]

Hey there young&inlove. I have read your story..and I can't even imagine what you have dealt with. Unfortuantely I don't thing you will ever forget this...as much as you would like to...I don't see it happening. That was a major double whammy for you. And you are so young..and no kids? Honey I know how easy it is for others to say move on but why didn't you? OMG or even knock that wench out? LOL I know I'd have a posse over that girls house in no time...especially it being my best friend. Thats really hard to process. Sorry your still in pain.

 

No kids for us. Just pets. I didn’t move on because my Mr. is my best friend. I don’t know. Some days I think that I haven’t left because I hope that it gets better and im just flat out terrified. Terrified of what my family will think (none of them know what happened & they are very religious as they don’t believe in divorce), terrified to be alone & that my world will again fall apart all over again.

 

The OW, she had been my best friend since 9th grade. She still tried to keep in contact with my husband for about 2 months after. I told that little beezy off and to leave us alone. I didn’t go kick her ass as I didn’t want to look like it fazed me or look weak. I WISH that I did anyways though. She deserves it.

 

Forgiveness doesn’t come easy for me. Some are the same and it sticks for a long time, and others forgive and forget. I don’t think that possible to forget something that had such an impact on your life. I know I will never forget. I want to. Desperately. I want to forget the hurt, forget that I don’t trust my husband as much as he or I would like to.

 

I feel as though I have forgiven my hubs but every time we fight or talk about divorce, I want to scream at him that it was his fault (I have once though). He knows what he did was wrong. I know he knows that if this marriage does fail, that this will because of what he did.

 

I would say that I want to forgive for all the lies, but for me, there weren’t any lies. He came out the first time they had sex within hours of it happening, and the second, I just knew by looking at him what was wrong.

 

I feel empathy for those BS who were lied to, who were played as fools. I have so much respect for those of you who stayed as well as those who had the balls to leave. I know everyone will forgive when the time is right. Whether that means leaving, or that means staying and working it out. Good luck to everyone.

[silktricks]

This has been on my mind for awhile and I wanted to ask at what point did you as a BS forgive? 8 months after D-Day and I'm still wondering if forgiveness is something I have done or not with my spouse. As much as we've been closer and re-connecting with each other on many different levels...I find myself wondering if I have in fact forgiven him.

I also don't really care to forgive the OW. I know there have been discussions on here about forgiving them in order to heal..but I seriously couldnt care less if she dropped dead.

 

At what point did you have the whole ha ha moment and said okay...I can truly say I have forgiven him/her? Because as much as I'd like to say I'm so over it...and I really do feel that I am...theres still this forgiving thing lingering for me.

 

Well, I told him I forgave him within the 1st month. Words and actions, though, didn't exactly match up... not for quite awhile. If by forgive you mean - quit stressing over it and worry that he was going to cheat again, probably about 2 years. If you mean no longer feeling ****ty about it - probably about 3 years. If you mean understanding what went wrong and wanting him to be able to totally let loose of feeling bad about it himself, probably closer to 4 years....

 

I (personally) don't think there's any reason to have to forgive the OW in order to heal. She's not part of the equation, nor part of the marriage. Your relationship with your husband and reconstruction of your marriage has nothing to do with her. Why should you need to forgive her? Over time she'll become simply a little bump in your life's roadway. I don't know if that's forgiveness. It feels more like forgetfulness to be honest.

 

I (again personally) didn't hold anything against the OW in my/our life until she started creating problems for us after the affair was over. I could understand her interest in my husband. It was HIM I was enraged at. I didn't become angry at her until she simply wouldn't take NO for an answer, and acted as if she had the right to harass me/us, and that he'd come back to her if she just.. kept.. after.. him... and it's not as if she gave up either easily or quickly, as I believe the last contact she attempted was just a little over a year ago, and the affair was over 6+ years ago. I don't think I'll really know if I've "forgiven" her until/unless I run into her - which I don't expect to happen as we live a thousand or so miles apart... but it's not something I worry or even care about .

Edited December 3, 2010 by silktricks

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Well, I told him I forgave him within the 1st month. Words and actions, though, didn't exactly match up... not for quite awhile. If by forgive you mean - quit stressing over it and worry that he was going to cheat again, probably about 2 years. If you mean no longer feeling ****ty about it - probably about 3 years. If you mean understanding what went wrong and wanting him to be able to totally let loose of feeling bad about it himself, probably closer to 4 years....

 

I (personally) don't think there's any reason to have to forgive the OW in order to heal. She's not part of the equation, nor part of the marriage. Your relationship with your husband and reconstruction of your marriage has nothing to do with her. Why should you need to forgive her? Over time she'll become simply a little bump in your life's roadway. I don't know if that's forgiveness. It feels more like forgetfulness to be honest.

 

I (again personally) didn't hold anything against the OW in my/our life until she started creating problems for us after the affair was over. I could understand her interest in my husband. It was HIM I was enraged at. I didn't become angry at her until she simply wouldn't take NO for an answer, and acted as if she had the right to harass me/us, and that he'd come back to her if she just.. kept.. after.. him... and it's not as if she gave up either easily or quickly, as I believe the last contact she attempted was just a little over a year ago, and the affair was over 6+ years ago. I don't think I'll really know if I've "forgiven" her until/unless I run into her - which I don't expect to happen as we live a thousand or so miles apart... but it's not something I worry or even care about .

 

 

Really Silktricks this scares me! 2 years to worry if he will cheat again? I'm not worried about that at all...if he does...there will be nothing to be devasted over at that point! He will be sooooooooooo gone! No question!

3 years to not feel ****ty about it? Really?!? that like 2 years and 4 months away! Thats the thing...I feel enraged when I think about it. Not like hurt...poor me type of deal. More like...what a piece of crap to do that to me...ME he should be so lucky to have ME and our son! I can go on and on about that...but my nickname will make me out to be some sorta princess or what not..lol

 

In either case..thanks for the acknowledgement of not having to forgive the old wench..cause personally she doesnt know me from jack..and I don't know her from jack either. She did call him a couple of months ago though..but I think I took care of that. If not...well u know what..I'm not going to even go there but...it won't be good!

[wicar1]

Fortunately I'm not as bitter as you. Thanks for you not so thoughtful post...

 

the truth is bitter ..I am just talking fact. Just go through the old threads... you will find plenty of people regretting their decision to forgive their cheating H or W

 

I too hope everyone can forgive and forget every betrayal.. I also hope no person will cheat. these things will never happen.... Trust me on this...lol.. 5,10 or 30 years....still you will have the same doubts. It's same for every human. It's not I cant forgive and you can.

 

I am not saying that I wish you can never forgive, I do hope you can forgive him and move on simply it cannot happen.

 

Good luck !!!

[bentnotbroken]

the truth is bitter ..I am just talking fact. Just go through the old threads... you will find plenty of people regretting their decision to forgive their cheating H or W

 

I too hope everyone can forgive and forget every betrayal.. I also hope no person will cheat. these things will never happen.... Trust me on this...lol.. 5,10 or 30 years....still you will have the same doubts. It's same for every human. It's not I cant forgive and you can.

 

I am not saying that I wish you can never forgive, I do hope you can forgive him and move on simply it cannot happen.

 

Good luck !!!

 

 

I am proof you can forgive and move on. I believe anyone who truly wants that can do it. That doesn't mean you will ever forget, but I do believe building something new is not only possible, it is beautiful when it happens.

[wicar1]

I am proof you can forgive and move on. I believe anyone who truly wants that can do it. That doesn't mean you will ever forget, but I do believe building something new is not only possible, it is beautiful when it happens.

 

if it's so, I am happy for you. You are very fortunate. It does not mean in the future you will regret (I hope it never happens).

 

Good luck !!!

[bentnotbroken]

if it's so, I am happy for you. You are very fortunate. It does not mean in the future you will regret (I hope it never happens).

 

Good luck !!!

 

 

Remember forgiveness doesn't mean staying in a situation, just forgiving to move on with your life free from anger, pain and coldness.

[Indypendence]

It's been 8 months since my D-Day.

 

We are doing pretty well some months and then there are times when it just gets to me.

 

Do I forgive him? I say I do and I want to oh so badly; because I still want our marriage and family entact. I still feel that I love him. I just don't trust. Now, I don't put anything past anyone, because of this.

 

Do I forgive him? I don't know. I understand how people make bad---bad mistakes. I just never thought that he would do this to me and it breaks my heart that this is a memory, a fact that is now a part of our lives forever.

[bentnotbroken]

It's been 8 months since my D-Day.

 

We are doing pretty well some months and then there are times when it just gets to me.

 

Do I forgive him? I say I do and I want to oh so badly; because I still want our marriage and family entact. I still feel that I love him. I just don't trust. Now, I don't put anything past anyone, because of this.

 

Do I forgive him? I don't know. I understand how people make bad---bad mistakes. I just never thought that he would do this to me and it breaks my heart that this is a memory, a fact that is now a part of our lives forever.

 

 

Forgiveness may have to happen over and over again until all the pain has been expelled. Your d-day hasn't been that long ago. Give yourself time. It sounds like your feelings are perfectly normal.

[Indypendence]

Forgiveness may have to happen over and over again until all the pain has been expelled. Your d-day hasn't been that long ago. Give yourself time. It sounds like your feelings are perfectly normal.

 

 

When, I first posted on this board, right after it first happened your responses really helped me. I just want to say thanks.