marathon10 Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I have been dating someone for about a year now. We are currently living together but only for the winter in the housing our seasonal job provides for us. We haven't jumped in to looking for apartments together yet. I say this because even the simple transition of moving in temporarily signified how well our relationship was going for me. We had the most wonderful summer together and I thought i had found the deepest bond I have ever had with someone before. Which leads me to my problem. Last season about two weeks into us dating, he "went home" for an extended weekend. I had suspicions from the beginning that he was visiting his ex but when I finally found the courage to confront him about it several months later he brushed it off very convincingly and told me he did indeed go home. I tried again several months later to ask him about it and he told me the same thing. About a week after we had moved in together, I asked him one final time and he admitted that he had flown out to visit his ex after we had started dating. I'm pretty crushed about all this. He admitted they slept together but only once. He also explained that he flew out to visit his best friend from college who was his ex's good friend but still stayed with his ex to give them one last chance. The trip had been planned before I entered the picture and he says he was planning on telling her he wasn't coming but as the date neared he felt more and more guilty and went anyway. He claims that they had started reconnecting the fall before I met him, a little less than one year after they had broken up, and she bought him the ticket to visit her without telling him and then asked him if he wanted to use it, if not thats okay, etc. He finally said yes to see if there was anything left between them. Then he claims after the slept together the first night he realized there wasn't anything there and he liked me, his current girlfriend. Okay i get it, sometimes you need closure. But why did he pursue me if he knew he was going to visit her anyway? why didn't he just tell me the truth before he left? and then here is the painful part? why did he continue to maintain contact with her after he "realized she wasn't what he wanted?" for like several months, and I mean "hey babe, i miss you too. I'll call you after work" style contact. He says its because he felt bad about using her in the way that he did. I'm so confused. Am I'm being totally bull****ted? Should I trust him? Should I leave him? What am I supposed to think about all this? He tells me he is so sorry and he was weak and confused and a dick and he loves me more than he has loved anyone before and he didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose me. urrgggghhhh... what the hell?!
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 You do say it was two weeks into you guys dating...and while I'm sure things weren't all that serious back then...NOW it sucks to be in that position and situation. I would have a hard time dealing with that so early on in a relationship for a number of reasons. The fact that he wasn't straight up with you after you had asked him so many times is bad! The fact that this happened so early on in the dating scene is bad. My only fear for you would be...the next time she rings him up and buys him a ticket again..is he going to want to see if they still have this so called "spark"? Or when problems occur in your relationship..is he going to be "weak, confused and a dick" again? Unfortunately I cant really say what I would do...as it was too early on in the relationship to really be that mad over...and also too early on in the relationship to be bothered with a cheater too!
datura_noir Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Well, I am going to play the devil's advocate (sort of) here, by relating to you my history and having you judge if what I did was deceptive in any way: The night that I met up with my now husband (after not seeing or communicating with him for over 20 years), we talked for three hours just catching up. He was divorced, or nearly-there was a property issue-and I was single, but still kept in touch with my ex bf, who lived 1,000 miles away. My now husband asked me that night if I would go on a skiing weekend with him in four days; just he and I sharing a room. I declined, stating that I had already made arrangements with my ex-bf to have him stay with me and to accompany him to NYC to visit his Uncle. I told my future-husband this upfront. He said "aww, too bad. When you and I get back, we should go out on a date-have dinner!" I agreed, and we exchanged numbers. No big deal, right??? Apparently not Years later, he brought up this incident to excuse his 9 month affair and his keeping it secret from me, even telling OW that I had cheated on him early in our relationship. I was like, WTF??? My point is, if you hold on to this, and it builds in your mind, and you don't address it rationally, you may end up projecting this episode into an entire ly huge betrayal to you-and it's probably not. He may have wanted a final closure due to the fact that he was moving on with you, or he may have felt still single and dating. And to be honest, a few weeks of dating or even a month does not a relationship make. We would all of us like to feel that, the moment our SO lays eyes on us, that we are so special and and so great that time ends there (that's how my H felt). It really doesn't. This guy had a life up to the point of meeting you, dated you for a short time, but still had unresolved business with an ex. I don't think what he did is all that bad, but only you can decide if he's a keeper.
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