Is it definately time to leave?

[saddepressedhusband]

I have been married for about a year and a half, we were dating a little less than 2 years before we decided to get married. Anyway, there is ALOT to type here so here goes.

 

I think my marriage has come to a point where it needs to end. My wife has turned into a completely different person than i married, emotionally and physically,

 

When I married my wife, she weighed 325 pounds, she now weighs just short of 500 pounds, while she makes no effort to change that, our whole relationship i wanted her to work on losing weight, was even willing to diet and exercise with her, because it would be better for her but most of all, i wanted children. I fear now that with her that will never happen, and now all i am is a servant to her, she is so large she can't put her own shoes on among other things. she can barely walk through walmart due to her weight. And that is just one of our many issues.

 

She doesnt love and cherish me anymore the way i feel she should, nor does she respect me how i feel a husband and man should be respected. Every mistake i have ever made in our relationship has been held over my head constantly. When we have arguments now, it results in her getting mad and telling me such degrading things that i feel worthless.

 

Early on in our dating relationship, i had cheated on her (kissed another girl). which I know was a horrible mistake and I have never stopped regretting, but a few month later she cheated on me for revenge. After that I tried to tell her that we both messed up, but we love each other we no longer need to bring the incidents up again. Yet everytime we get in one of our huge fights, its about how she can never trust me, how i cheated on her, despite the fact that I am very honest with her about everything now.

 

I have done so much for her through our relationship. I moved in with her a couple months into our relationship, although i did it for the wrong reason, which was to get away from my parents. She later begged me to drop college and move with her back "home". (by her family who live about 7 hours away from mine.) at the time i was rebellious against my parents, despite them providing me with paid college, so I left with her to move where we are now and gave up my education. about a month after we moved down here we got married.

 

Since then I have come to regret those decisions, as I have now repaired my relationship with my parents and realized what bad choices i made.

 

I would give anything to go back and start my life over, I am not happy where i am. I DO care for my wife very much, I believe that I still love her, but not the same way I used to.

 

She refuses to better herself in any way, whether it is finishing her batchelors degree that she is only a year and a half away from if she gets back in to college, or losing weight so she can be healthy, our sex life can be better and we can one day have children.

 

I can't talk to my wife about things I am feeling down about, she "doesnt want to hear me ***** about things". If i ever need someone to talk to, i have to call my dad, or my best friend. (girl who i went to high school with and became very close friends with, and dont take that the wrong way, we are friends, nothing more, she just got out of an abusive relationship and i have been there as someone for her to talk to, and she is there as someone for me to talk to.)

 

Life has been very difficult for me since i moved down here, I have had trouble holding down jobs, which she wont let me live down, and I havent been able to really better myself in any way that i would like to. We make it because she came across a good job that pays decent. That is the one thing i feel she does for me in our relationship is support me financially which I am grateful for. of course she never wants to get back in to college now, she just wants to settle with that job that could end at any time. (government job, one of those that could lose funding at any time.)

 

She is happy where she is down here by her family (who as much as i love them, i feel she puts them above me).

 

When we started dating, I was 19 and she was 24 (part of the reason the hasty decisions were made, I am now 22, she is 27 respectively and I am just wondering if it is definately time to consider separation? (which will most likely end in divorce because I will move back home with my parents and get back into college so i can make something of myself. She doesnt want me to be away.) I have been making efforts to fix things, I have been doing everything in my power to be the best husband possible, but it just isnt enough for her.

 

If so, how should i go about this? she knows the way I feel about her is changing, she can feel it. I haven't yet told her i was considering seriously leaving. And i truly hate to hurt her but my heart is telling me it is time to get my own life back on track. I am not happy with where i am and how i am treated, like i said earlier i would almost give anything to go back and start my adult life over and do things right.

 

I forgot to mention that our sex life has been suffering as well. usually we only had sex about once every 2 weeks, which to me, a 22 year old male is awful. Of course here lately, i havent even had the drive for sex, last time we had sex over a month ago, she said something horrible to me in the middle of it that totally ruined it for me and just about broke my heart. I wont be explicit with this or anything but we had sex and near the end she made me pull out because "She didnt know for sure that I didnt cheat with some girl when i was out of town visiting my parents." Which was totally uncalled for. No reason whatsoever to think that i would've done that. I went up there to visit my parents and while i was up there, my grandpa hurt his hip, so I ended up staying for an extra week, which apparently made her suspicious.

 

Let me also add that she refuse to do counseling, as she believes i am the one with the problems, not her. just as anytime we have a fight, everything was my fault, never hers.

 

Someone please reply, i desperately need advice.

[sirweasles]

You need to sit down with her and explain how you feel bite the bullet buck up and dont let her take the ranes from the conversation let her know everything and if she isnt willing to start working on it then she has answered for you. like wise you need to give her the chance to return the faver aswell and you need to work on you too.

[love4me2c]

You were awfully young for a marriage. Plus it sounds like some of what you feel is "love" was "love out of necessity." If I were you, and I know I'm not, I'd cut my losses and divorce. You are still young to find a mate you don't "need" but want.

[2010_Sorry]

I agree with sirweasles. You're not giving your marriage a chance if you do not sit down and talk to her about these things that are bothering you. I know you suggest that she doesn't want to hear it, but maybe you let her know how close to separation you really are? Maybe you discuss these things during some counseling sessions? That way a therapist can help guide the conversation and allow the both of you to speak freely. It sounds as if she has several of her own issues that she is not sharing with you either! Good luck!

[Surfer203]

She needs to address her issues before you guys have a chance. I have seen this before and it is sickening.

[nikayla]

saddepressedhusband,

 

from the way you phrased things, it doesn't seem as if she ever desired losing weight, or bettering herself academically. As Maya Angelou once stated, "When people show you who they are, believe them". Accept that you wife is content with her size and intellectual mediocrity. You can purchase gym equipment or a yoga membership, but until she is ready to change her attitude towards health and take action, there is nothing you can do about it.

 

I suggest you focus on changing yourself, instead. In the United States, colleges consider you independent when you are married or 23 years of age. Use the fact that your parents will not be considered for financial aid to better yourself. Begin going to Borders and Barnes & Noble and study for the SATs and ACTs. Visit colleges. Continue to read the classified ads and apply for any job, even if it's part-time. Admissions counselors love accepting gap year students.

 

I also agree with some of the above posters about cutting your losses. You need your family, and admire your father for his dedication. Surround yourself with friends, family, and get a divorce lawyer. Your wife is selfish and manipulative.

 

I am 21, traveling around the world, pursuing an engineering degree, and meeting tons of interesting people---there is no reason why you can't do the same...good luck!

[saddepressedhusband]

Since I have wrote this post, my grandfather has fallen and broke his hip and he is now passing away in a matter of days from other complications that came up in the hospital. I am currently back home with my family and I have made the hard decision of moving here permanently.

 

My wife knows we are distant, but she doesnt realize I am completely finished. Last time I had my stuff packed in the living room and ready to go, I told her it was over, she cried and begged and I let her talk me out of it. She then made promises that she broke within 5 days of making them.

 

All I have left to do now is drive back down there, pack my stuff while she is away from the apartment to avoid getting manipulated more, and leave for good (only reason i havent told her yet that I am 100% finished is that I am a musician and I have about $15,000 worth of instruments at our apartment. She gets crazy when mad), then send her the divorce papers.

[iheartboobs]

Don't know if this means anything to you, but I (and I'm awesome) think you're doing the right thing.

 

Your wife is unhappy with herself and instead of taking any personal responsibility for her situation, she'd decided it's easier to just blame you. You're not a husband, you're a punching bag for her to take out all her frustrations on.

 

Good for you for refusing to take any more of her ****!

[Surfer203]

Listen to iheartboobs.. he IS the man, haha.