What's the Point of a Relationship (It's Going to Sour Eventually)?

[beyondhope]

Okay, so lately I've had a few promising leads in the dating world, but being the pessimist that I am, every time I start to think about a relationship, I recall all the mistakes I've made in the past and begin to wonder why we even bother trying to be in a committed relationship. People will inevitably cheat, fight and break up...and when they do, not only is the romance gone but the chance of a friendship is also quite slim. Looking back on all the people I've dated in my 23 years of life, there's not one relationship (long or short) that I don't wish had just been a friendship instead. I mean, sex is great, but sex is the quickest way to ruin a relationship. What do you all think? Why do people bother? Are we just fooling ourselves, or are most people too dumb to think about the consequences of a relationship?

[musemaj11]

From anthropological point of view, just like other animals, inherently humans seek mates in order to reproduce and exclusive relationship is all about ensuring the survival the offsprings. Nothing more, nothing less.

[beyondhope]

My point exactly. If we're just doing it out of habit or instinct, then my notion holds that dating is a useless and foolish tradition. I mean, why not just have fwb instead? Of course this isn't what I want, but it just seems there's never an equilibrium in relationships--someone is always more invested or less committed.

[sumdude]

From anthropological point of view, just like other animals, inherently humans seek mates in order to reproduce and exclusive relationship is all about ensuring the survival the offsprings. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

But unlike all other animals we know of humans have art, music, religion, literature and self consciousness so there's a lot more to it than just procreation and survival.

 

As far as the OP? Who knows, maybe just because hope springs eternal and without it life becomes pretty grey. Heck you're only 23, lighten up. You're just getting into what should be the best and most exciting years of your life. Embrace it! Don't look at every relationship that didn't last as a failure just an experience.

 

Though I have to admit that i had thought the today. That I'm actually more afraid of success in a relationship than a failure or rejection at the moment. Which kinda threw me off so I know where you're coming from.

Edited December 1, 2010 by sumdude

[LittleTiger]

How do you feel about eating a fabulous meal in your favourite restaurant?

 

Do you say, what's the point, it's all going to be gone in 15 minutes or do you savour it and enjoy every mouthful until you're finished?

 

I'd be willing to bet, especially if the meal is particularly good, you'll be back at that restaurant in no time to try out another dish. It might not be so good the next time, or it might be better but, either way, it's definitely worth the risk.

[zengirl]

From anthropological point of view, just like other animals, inherently humans seek mates in order to reproduce and exclusive relationship is all about ensuring the survival the offsprings. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Actually, from an anthropological view, that's unsound. We seek mates for a variety of other reasons, anthropologically. In fact, there have been anthropoligical studies that illustrate the usefulness of different kinds of relationships, including same sex relationships that produce no offspring.

 

Biological urges perhaps tempt us to mate (and do a variety of other things), but we have grown well beyond them. And anthropology is not biology. Anthropology is about a lot more than survival---it's about the cultural evolution of the species, not simply the biological evolution. We've evolved culturally much more in the past few millenia than biologically in that time.

[Anxiety]

You can't say there is no point of a relationship just because it will eventually end. It's the good times during the relationship that we all want and hope never ends. I was dumped today. It could be said that I wasted a year of my life and a ton of money and I'm right back where I started, but I wouldn't give it up for anything. It was the best time of my life.

[Flirt]

Human sexual relationships aren't biologically meant to last "forever and ever". Eventually, you'll become immune to the pheromones your partner produces, or vice versa. This doesn't necessarily occur at the same time for both, which is one of the reasons why most break ups are messy and painful for at least one party.

 

People who stay together for really long periods of time are either miserable, or they know how to cheat nature. The latter type want to stay together because their relationship is based on mutual friendship and respect, so they actively work on other aspects of their partnership in order to stay happy and fulfilled in most aspects of it.

[Els]

Oh, c'mon, that's just like saying, "What's the point of living - we're all going to die eventually".

 

If you do things right, even if a R ends you would have gained much experience, happiness, and priceless enrichment, having had that special person in your life.

[LittleTiger]

Human sexual relationships aren't biologically meant to last "forever and ever". Eventually, you'll become immune to the pheromones your partner produces, or vice versa. This doesn't necessarily occur at the same time for both, which is one of the reasons why most break ups are messy and painful for at least one party.

 

People who stay together for really long periods of time are either miserable, or they know how to cheat nature. The latter type want to stay together because their relationship is based on mutual friendship and respect, so they actively work on other aspects of their partnership in order to stay happy and fulfilled in most aspects of it.

 

Actually Flirt, I believe this is inaccurate. People do not become immune to each other's pheromones. In fact, where there is a strong and genuine physical attraction at the start, this is usually the one thing that remains constant. The mistake a lot of couples make is to become involved in a LTR where the attraction isn't strong enough in the first place.

 

What eats away at the relationship and eventually overrides the pheromones is the emotional and intellectual side of the relationship. Relationships not based on mutual friendship and respect begin to break down over the years as the man starts to feel unappreciated and the woman feels neglected and unloved. This leads to resentment on both sides, the sex disappears and the bonds begin to break down.

 

This is why some couples continue to have sex even after they have split up. They can't live together but the physical attraction is still strong.

 

Going back to the OP, it's worth remembering that every relationship we have, however long or short, teaches us many different things - about ourselves, about love, about lust, about sex, about relationships, about men and women. Relationships are like everything else in life - the more practise you get, the better you get......and being good at relationships is a very useful skill to have.

[deebeechrisyo]

Going back to the OP, it's worth remembering that every relationship we have, however long or short, teaches us many different things - about ourselves, about love, about lust, about sex, about relationships, about men and women. Relationships are like everything else in life - the more practise you get, the better you get......and being good at relationships is a very useful skill to have.

 

I definitely agree that relationships are a learned skill, but maybe not for the reason you think. The skills you learn tend to be skills to protect yourself, not necessarily to better the relationship over the long run. Skills like not getting emotionally invested early, not smothering your partner, etc.

 

I personally think people are just too different to bring over past experiences from one relationship to another.

 

To the OP: the point is the great feelings you get while you are in a relationship. The breakups suck, but the highs are so high it is certainly worth it.

[Flirt]

People do not become immune to each other's pheromones. In fact, where there is a strong and genuine physical attraction at the start, this is usually the one thing that remains constant.

 

"Immune" wasn't the right term. I should've said "resistant". If the pheromone signature never fluctuates, it doesn't matter how strong it was in the beginning. You will eventually become resistant to it. Some couples retain a strong sexual attraction to each other for long periods of time, because they work on constantly switching things up. It's kinda like tricking nature into thinking we're with a brand new partner every few months or years.

[LittleTiger]

I definitely agree that relationships are a learned skill, but maybe not for the reason you think. The skills you learn tend to be skills to protect yourself, not necessarily to better the relationship over the long run. Skills like not getting emotionally invested early, not smothering your partner, etc.

 

I personally think people are just too different to bring over past experiences from one relationship to another.

 

No, deebee, I have to call you on that one. It's true that everybody is different - I'm probably the biggest 'preacher' of that on LS - but the skills we learn in relationships can definitely be translated to new relationships because the one thing we have control over is ourselves.

 

Looking at where we went wrong in a relationship, where we could have done better and what we would do differently in future will give us a higher emotional intelligence which translates to all aspects of our lives, not just romantic relationships. Knowing and understanding our own strengths and weaknesses leads to us becoming better at handling ourselves, better at communicating with others and better at dealing with other people's shortcomings.

 

The 'skills' you describe may be things you personally have learnt, and perhaps others on LS will relate, but they aren't the sorts of things I'm talking about and certainly aren't things I have ever needed to learn myself. I have been through a long, mostly happy, marriage and a long and very painful separation and divorce, plus many relationships before that and I have never felt the need to learn skills to 'protect myself'. If you see relationships as a battle requiring self defence how are you ever going to be open and genuine and ready for love when it presents itself?

 

Ask any person who is in a happy, LTR, one where they have no doubts they are with the right person, where the positives of that relationship far outweigh any negatives, and they will probably tell you that the relationship itself is the point. Whether it lasts forever is immaterial. Each relationship is another life experience to be cherished for what it is.

 

When I sat in my doctors office sobbing about the end of my marriage as she dished out anti-depressants, she asked me if I felt I'd wasted the last 15 years of my life! My answer? HELL NO!!! I loved my exH and I loved our life, how could I regret that.

 

Fast forward to now and I thank my exH for leaving because the relationship I have now is the one I've been looking for all my life. I know it couldn't have happened without my life experiences (including my marriage) turning me into the person I am today.

[musemaj11]

Actually, from an anthropological view, that's unsound. We seek mates for a variety of other reasons, anthropologically. In fact, there have been anthropoligical studies that illustrate the usefulness of different kinds of relationships, including same sex relationships that produce no offspring.

 

Biological urges perhaps tempt us to mate (and do a variety of other things), but we have grown well beyond them. And anthropology is not biology. Anthropology is about a lot more than survival---it's about the cultural evolution of the species, not simply the biological evolution. We've evolved culturally much more in the past few millenia than biologically in that time.

I was only talking about the basic reason why male and female species insist on forming relationships.

[LittleTiger]

"Immune" wasn't the right term. I should've said "resistant". If the pheromone signature never fluctuates, it doesn't matter how strong it was in the beginning. You will eventually become resistant to it. Some couples retain a strong sexual attraction to each other for long periods of time, because they work on constantly switching things up. It's kinda like tricking nature into thinking we're with a brand new partner every few months or years.

 

The current understanding of how the 'pheromone effect' works ie the initial attraction, is that it triggers a chemical reaction in the other person which leads to very strong emotional and physical responses. This effect is SO strong that, where a good relationship based on friendship and respect also develops, the emotional bond and physical attraction can last a lifetime.

 

The pheromones are a tool for the initial chemical attraction (a reaction in the brain), not an ongoing 'drip feed'. So the strength of the initial attraction can be an indicator of how long a relationship will last - assuming that both people actually like each other too and are able to establish a friendship. The stronger the intial attraction and the more emotionally mature the two individuals are the longer the relationship will last.

 

If you look at relationships where the initial attraction is very powerful eg Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, you'll find the two people can't stay away from each other - even when they may be emotionally and intellectually damaging one another. It's not because the pheromones are still going strong, it's because that initial pull, back whenever it was, caused such a change in their brain chemistry that they can't fight the attraction.

 

So, as I said before, relationships which eventually do break down will do so either because that inital attraction wasn't powerful enough OR because the two people cannot maintain enough pleasure in each other beyond the physical.

Edited December 2, 2010 by LittleTiger

[zengirl]

"Immune" wasn't the right term. I should've said "resistant". If the pheromone signature never fluctuates, it doesn't matter how strong it was in the beginning. You will eventually become resistant to it. Some couples retain a strong sexual attraction to each other for long periods of time, because they work on constantly switching things up. It's kinda like tricking nature into thinking we're with a brand new partner every few months or years.

 

You have a point, but it doesn't work quite like you describe, from the science I've read. Pheremone signatures do fluctuate, for one thing, but also they are more a gateway than anything else; if they were strong enough in the beginning, that's not as likely to be the issuse you describe. What happens, chemically, in terms of the "honeymoon ending" stage is more based on the levels of testosterone, oxytocin, and other chemicals, which is a "resistance" of sorts, but it's more intellectual than biological.

 

In all things, we derive less happiness from the same thing daily. It's why restaurants have seasonal items, why people seek constant career growth, and why relationships have to be "going places" to make us happy. People seek growth or newness; they don't like stagnancy. And it does impact chemically. However, couples can intentionally grow their relationship continuously and allow each other to grow as people, so as not to stagnate or become unhappy.

 

I was only talking about the basic reason why male and female species insist on forming relationships.

 

And, in this day and age, biology is no longer the basic reason for most relationships. Not in this country, at least. Many people want to marry without procreating. And people can procreate without marriage, or without a partner even.

[loverofloveandstuff]

Oh, c'mon, that's just like saying, "What's the point of living - we're all going to die eventually".

lol, this is exactly what I thought of when I read the post title.

[sumdude]

If you look at relationships where the initial attraction is very powerful eg Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, you'll find the two people can't stay away from each other - even when they may be emotionally and intellectually damaging one another. It's not because the pheromones are still going strong, it's because that initial pull, back whenever it was, caused such a change in their brain chemistry that they can't fight the attraction.

 

Oh ain't it the truth. Seven and a half years into the R with my ex wife I was still bonkers over her and wanted her all the time. Even after she emotionally cheeked out, treated me like crap, even after I realized she was cheating, even after she left for the other guy. Makes no damn sense but that was some damn powerful stuff. Your brain is addicted to that person!

Edited December 2, 2010 by sumdude

[Flirt]

You have a point, but it doesn't work quite like you describe, from the science I've read. Pheremone signatures do fluctuate, for one thing, but also they are more a gateway than anything else; if they were strong enough in the beginning, that's not as likely to be the issuse you describe. What happens, chemically, in terms of the "honeymoon ending" stage is more based on the levels of testosterone, oxytocin, and other chemicals, which is a "resistance" of sorts, but it's more intellectual than biological.

 

Hmm, the science of human hormones is relatively new and incomplete. It seems a lot of my research from a few years ago has either been debunked or reassessed. Now it appears most likely that this "resistance" phenomenon we've been discussing is due to production volume, rather than a biological response. I.e. one or both partners start producing less pheros for whatever reason (such as various environmental factors), thus indicating a decreased sex drive. This probably happens a lot, even if the initial chemical reaction is strong. It ties what you and LittleTiger were saying with what I was referring to. Seems logical enough, even if highly speculative.

[ConstantCraving]

Okay, so lately I've had a few promising leads in the dating world, but being the pessimist that I am, every time I start to think about a relationship, I recall all the mistakes I've made in the past and begin to wonder why we even bother trying to be in a committed relationship. People will inevitably cheat, fight and break up...and when they do, not only is the romance gone but the chance of a friendship is also quite slim. Looking back on all the people I've dated in my 23 years of life, there's not one relationship (long or short) that I don't wish had just been a friendship instead. I mean, sex is great, but sex is the quickest way to ruin a relationship. What do you all think? Why do people bother? Are we just fooling ourselves, or are most people too dumb to think about the consequences of a relationship?

 

I think there are forces pulling people together. I also think there are forces pulling people apart.

 

Its OK to be disillusioned with dating and relationships if you can really "leave it alone", forget about the opposite sex and focus on life outside that.

 

But if you can't stop thinking about the opposite sex or "the one" in your future, then it might be best to just postpone things until your feelings or your mindset has changed.

[Jannah]

Haven't you ever watched Sweet November?

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkF8APqglnU