Would you be okay with your girlfriend getting a drink with an ex?

[VertexSquared]

Worse case scenario, you give her another chance and somewhere down the line, just when you start to get comfortable, you get played for a fool again.

 

It certainly didn’t ruin your life this time, and it won’t wreck you the next time so long as you’re aware that the possibility exists. It’s a Fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice, shame on me sorta thing. Never bet what you’re not already willing to lose. If you’ve assessed the cost/risk factor to yourself and feel that this gal is still worthy of a second chance, then go for it! If she proves to be a bad bet, then that’s on her and not you --- SO LONG AS you’re willing to accept that fact, cut your losses and move on without being surprised or angry that someone remained true to their own nature rather than following your script.

 

Either way, you’ll live through it.

 

Yes, I understand the risks. I think as long as we take things in small steps and increase communication, we'll be a lot better off.

[VertexSquared]

5. She will have no contact with her ex

 

Ah, yes, that too -- has already been instilled. XD

[carhill]

Ah, yes, that too -- has already been instilled. XD

It wasn't on the list, so I helped out. Lists are about clear boundaries.

 

Also, I would modify #3 to state that she *will* be transparent and proactive about sharing personal contacts with you. Lists do not include 'trying'. Think of boundaries as concrete walls along the freeway. Stay in the lane and no damage occurs.

[Chocolat]

But the truth of the matter is that there are a lot of things in the relationship worth saving -- and it's not that I am afraid of being alone or anything. There are many girls here in the city I could date. But I really wanted things to work out with THIS specific girl. There are a lot of compatibilities otherwise that work really well in this relationship.

 

This is understandable, but try not to let it cloud your judgment. In business, it's called throwing good money after bad.

 

At the same time, I understand that this is a decision that can't be half-assed. If I decide to forgive her, I have to actually forgive her. If I'm always wondering in the back of my mind, the entire thing's going to collapse. Or, I have to end it. Either way, I can't try to straddle the middle point, here.

 

Very true. Forgive me for not having read the entire thread and if this question has been answered: Aside from being sorry (for being caught, for lying, or whatever), has your GF demonstrated and articulated that she understands what led her to act as she did and, more important, does she understand how to channel whatever feelings that led her to act as she did into behaviors that will not damage your r/s? If the answer to either question is "no," then while you cam certainly forgive her, it would be pointless to continue the relationship. What your GF did indicates underlying motives/insecurities/issues that are what need to be resolved if you are to move forward. It's not a matter of simply forgiving her actions.

[creighton0123]

I would ask her outright without hinting that you went onto her Facebook account.

 

Some people here are saying "an ex is an ex for a reason". There are many situations where an ex-lover becomes a friend or is still occasionally in contact that are completely rational.

 

If everything is innocent enough, a simple request by you to her that she be honest shouldn't start an argument. If she does get defensive, that indicates that there's something there that she doesn't want to share.

 

Everyone responding here are only doing so based on a one-sided story. Your list of agreements was a mature response as long as you both can stick to the items agreed upon.

 

Good luck to you.

[carhill]

There are many situations where an ex-lover becomes a friend or is still occasionally in contact that are completely rational.

I agree. My exW had contact with her second husband for a number of years, as he had 'custody' of a dog they both loved dearly. The clear difference (from the OP) is that I met him personally during the time she and I dated, had repeated contact with him, and her communications with him, before and after marriage, were always transparent.

 

People on LS often take shots at me for suggesting, if ex'es are 'friends', that one makes sure their current SO or spouse meets that ex and socializes regularly with them, just like one does with friends. They're welcome to their opinions, but I still think looking a man in the eye and sharing things which men share only with each other is healthy and positive. Boundaries

[VertexSquared]

This is understandable, but try not to let it cloud your judgment. In business, it's called throwing good money after bad.

 

 

 

Very true. Forgive me for not having read the entire thread and if this question has been answered: Aside from being sorry (for being caught, for lying, or whatever), has your GF demonstrated and articulated that she understands what led her to act as she did and, more important, does she understand how to channel whatever feelings that led her to act as she did into behaviors that will not damage your r/s? If the answer to either question is "no," then while you cam certainly forgive her, it would be pointless to continue the relationship. What your GF did indicates underlying motives/insecurities/issues that are what need to be resolved if you are to move forward. It's not a matter of simply forgiving her actions.

 

Yes, a large part of my discussions with the gf chewed away at WHY she felt the need to contact him/ask to meet up sometime/lie about it later. It ultimately boiled down to a rather impulsive decision based on the fact that that breakup had left her hurting, and in some way she wanted to feel better about herself on a subconscious level (knowing that she was somehow better off than he was now despite the earlier pain).

 

She knows what she did was wrong and we agreed to be more open going forward.

[Green]

Yes, a large part of my discussions with the gf chewed away at WHY she felt the need to contact him/ask to meet up sometime/lie about it later. It ultimately boiled down to a rather impulsive decision based on the fact that that breakup had left her hurting, and in some way she wanted to feel better about herself on a subconscious level (knowing that she was somehow better off than he was now despite the earlier pain).

 

She knows what she did was wrong and we agreed to be more open going forward.

 

Just know that if this guy wants to have sex with her and is willing to contact her its going to happen. ANd if you hadn't found out and confronted her with proof she'd still be telling you that you were PARANOID. And yes she would have had sex with him.

 

She cries and wants you back NOT BECAUSE SHE CARES... but because yet again her EGO doesn't want to be dumped and alone. She wants to dump and leave people... or use you as an option while she explores other options. It won't be the last time.

 

I'm not saying you didn't have great times or that she should be demonized as an evil person. I'm just saying you should date her seriously or at all anymore. If it were me I'd probably either A) Break up or B) say "I don't consider this a seriouse relationship anymore so just tell me if your seeing some one else and I'll do the same" and at that point I'd be actively looking for a new girl.. your best bet is going with <A> and Break up and NC

 

Don't even make it about the situation. Just be like "we had great times I just don't think its going to work out" that way she can't cry and promise to change. She'll just cry and you go NC. Don't let those crocodile tears control you and make you say (oh she really does care) (NOOOOO she wants to manipulate you, she'd still be calling you paranoid if she though that was working)

[BackUpOrGetStung]

Green, you're sound, logical advice is not going to get through to him, as he's already made his decision.

 

Now, lets make an over/under wager on how long until he's back with a similar problem. I say under 4 months.

[Green]

Green, you're sound, logical advice is not going to get through to him, as he's already made his decision.

 

Now, lets make an over/under wager on how long until he's back with a similar problem. I say under 4 months.

 

if he goes back with her he will never dump her and it will be on her to dump him which she probably will but who knows how long that will take. He may end up getting married and be able to be in a state of complete denial.

 

The only way this girl will change is if she starts with some one new but most likely she will always be like this.

[sumdude]

Honestly, I think we're all being a little too hard on Vertex. I think what we're telling him is all good advice, and we're looking out for his best interest, but the worst thing that will happen, is he tries to work things out with her and they still breakup.

 

If that happens, it's just a life lesson. He will learn what he can and won't tolerate in a relationship, and know more of what he's looking for in a partner.

 

Isn't that what life is all about? Making mistakes, having experiences, then learning from them and moving on?

 

Worse things could happen. He could forgive her and continue being with her. She may be a compulsive liar. He may find himself forgiving a lot but the relationship seems to be good and the sex might be amazing so he'll keep letting things slip and the pattern continues. He may find himself 8 years later on the phone at work as she tells him she moved out of the house. Then he's in court getting a divorce because she had been cheating for months and left him for another man. Then he'll realize that he never really trusted her and this probably wasn't the first time she cheated on him.

[Els]

This is precisely how I am trying to analyze this situation right now. I understand that based on what I've said in this thread, I can see why people would be so quick to say "Dump her!"

 

But the truth of the matter is that there are a lot of things in the relationship worth saving -- and it's not that I am afraid of being alone or anything. There are many girls here in the city I could date. But I really wanted things to work out with THIS specific girl. There are a lot of compatibilities otherwise that work really well in this relationship.

 

At the same time, I understand that this is a decision that can't be half-assed. If I decide to forgive her, I have to actually forgive her. If I'm always wondering in the back of my mind, the entire thing's going to collapse. Or, I have to end it. Either way, I can't try to straddle the middle point, here.

 

The problem is that she's constantly asking me how she can help regain my trust in her, and I'm always at a loss. I'm not sure how one can regain trust other than being honest. Saying "I'm good for it" in the wake of untruths is not convincing.

 

How did you resolve your own situation? How do you reinvest yourself in the relationship correctly going forward? How is a betrayal of feelings best addressed?

 

There are many specifics that I would not bring into detail here, but basically, I realized that he was the only person I'd ever met in 23 years with chemistry in all 3 aspects - mental, emotional and sexual. And that if anyone ever deserved any sort of second chance, it was him.

 

Things might be different for a third-party betrayal such as yours... but I think your recent list of how you chose to deal with it is great. I do honestly think people are far, far too ready to launch; for some of them, it works. For others, they go around wondering why they have never met someone suited to them in all aspects despite having lived so long... And I think the answer is that they have, except they chose to give it up far too easily.

 

I think you have nothing to lose by giving her a second chance - I don't see why a few extra months in an otherwise-loving and happy R is such a very bad thing even if it doesn't work out in the end due to a second betrayal on her part. At the very least, you know YOU can't be faulted for the R's demise in any way, that you gave it your best, and that you grew and experienced and learnt along the way.

[RovingReporter]

She only cared about your feelings after she got caught. She's going to dump you.

[poorguy]

I just found this thread while typing on one I created. Dude I'm the ex BF in this situation and my ex GF who has a new BF is now back in contact with me and saying all kinds of things and I'm sure her BF doesn't know anything about it...It's our little secret I guess...Why they do this I don't know but I'm trying to figure it out myself only our situations are reversed

[Distant78]

Dude man, i'd advise you to listen to these folks. We're not telling you this stuff to hurt you. Only to help.

[VertexSquared]

Yeah but I wonder why so many people here think it's so cut and dry? Is this really something worth auto-ejecting?

 

When is it worth launching, and when is it worth forgiving/working it out?

[Distant78]

Yeah but I wonder why so many people here think it's so cut and dry? Is this really something worth auto-ejecting?

 

When is it worth launching, and when is it worth forgiving/working it out?

 

From how soon you're trying to reconcile, or should I say rush things, we can tell you're just acting on your emotions, not with reason. If you even plan on staying with her, at least give yourself some time alone to think about this rationally. You know you need to after this deadly blow.

[pandagirl]

Yeah but I wonder why so many people here think it's so cut and dry? Is this really something worth auto-ejecting?

 

When is it worth launching, and when is it worth forgiving/working it out?

 

Here's what she could have done:

 

"Vertex, I really care about you and want to be with you, but I have to be honest that I have some unresolved feelings about my ex. I don't want him back, but I still feel the hurt and pain from when he broke up with me. How would you feel if I met up with him so I could have some closure. If you don't want me to, I won't, because you are more important to me."

 

Yes, maybe you would still be conflicted over your relationship with her if she stated it this way, but at least she would have NOT been lying or manipulating the situation.

[Green]

Here's what she could have done:

 

"Vertex, I really care about you and want to be with you, but I have to be honest that I have some unresolved feelings about my ex. I don't want him back, but I still feel the hurt and pain from when he broke up with me. How would you feel if I met up with him so I could have some closure. If you don't want me to, I won't, because you are more important to me."

 

Yes, maybe you would still be conflicted over your relationship with her if she stated it this way, but at least she would have NOT been lying or manipulating the situation.

 

If she had done this My advice would be TELL HER NO! but she would still be honest and they could work it out.

 

The fact is I don't think he will ever trust this girl again. Also she very likely will dump him for some other guy who she started seeing while with him. (not necesarily the ex that is currently the issue but just some other guy) She is leaving her options open and has no problem lying even after being caught aka the false incomplete fb msgs she passed over and the "your paranoid" only broke down to not get dumped once she was caught because yes her EGO does matter.

 

This guy is analyzing it as if she was comming foward and saying all this "i have unresolved feeling crap" but forgetting about all the lying.

 

Yes if the situation were as panagirl described in her hypo it may be worth a shot but as it is you are setting urself up for worse. I realize she was fun and you had great times... but now that is over. Doesn't mean you have to be mean or cold to her... JUST NOT be in a suposedly monogomouse relationship with her

 

look u need to make this decison for yourself. The only thing posters can do is try to WAKE YOU UP to what you ALREADY KNOW. Make the decision for yourself. Don't be fooled by her crying and begging... she likes OPTIONS and gettiond DUMPED hurts her EGO. Has nothing to do with being sorry for what she did or seeing the light and not doing it again. SHE WILL DO IT AGAIN. even if she doesn't I doubt you'll forget this

[Chocolat]

Yes, a large part of my discussions with the gf chewed away at WHY she felt the need to contact him/ask to meet up sometime/lie about it later. It ultimately boiled down to a rather impulsive decision based on the fact that that breakup had left her hurting, and in some way she wanted to feel better about herself on a subconscious level (knowing that she was somehow better off than he was now despite the earlier pain).

 

She knows what she did was wrong and we agreed to be more open going forward.

 

 

Not to beat a dead horse, but I don't see anything here that suggests she understands what led her to make this "impulsive" decision. Actually, I would argue that there was nothing impulsive about it. She found her ex through Facebok, yes? So she had to have been checking his page and then she had to decide to write a note, which she no doubt edited and refined prior to sending. Then she had to exchange messages back and forth, decide a time and place to meet, etc. Finally, she had to figure out a way to present this to you while making it appear that it was the ex, not her, who'd initiated. This does not sound impulsive to me, but planned.

 

It also does not appear that she has addressed the underlying problems. Why is she still hurting about a break-up so long in the past? Why does she still feel a need to "prove" that she is better off now than she would have been with this guy? What was so compelling that she risked her r/s with you to pursue him? Where is the awareness on her part? NOT awareness that what she did is wrong -- anyone can see that -- but awareness about what motivated her. What work is she going to be doing on herself to ensure that whatever thought pattern led to this won't do so again? I don't see this as something to be solved with a list of rules. It can only be solved (if at all) by her doing the internal work on herself that would preclude a future event.

 

p.s. Listen to Green. His tone may not be what resonates for you, but put that aside and listen to his message. He makes good points.

 

What would have been the outcome here if you had never "caught" your gf?

[VertexSquared]

I understand Green's points and I largely agree, but I disagree that this is worth auto-launching. I think it's important to help her figure out the REASON behind her actions so that we can learn to build a healthier base underneath our relationship.

[Green]

I understand Green's points and I largely agree, but I disagree that this is worth auto-launching. I think it's important to help her figure out the REASON behind her actions so that we can learn to build a healthier base underneath our relationship.

 

cmon man this took WORK, you confronted her, you got her to admit the truth... you saw through her fishy "hehe my ex is giving me a hard time" crap.... AUTO would have meant STAYING with her. Nothing AUTO about the launch. Yes breaking up with her will take strength, its not like shes breaking up with you... I mean if you caught her she only had 2 options... break up with you,,, or act sad and cry or some sht.

 

I don't think it would be easy to otherwise dump a girl who was perfect... but this is a BIG DEAL. If you can some how regain your trust in her then great... i just don't think you will (I know you want to believe the crap she is saying but you'll see through it... oh and be told GET OVER IT or PARANOID)

[VertexSquared]

I can learn to trust her again. In some way I do understand her rationale -- it does make sense, and it's consistent with the notion that she has some emotional issues. I don't think she is interested in the ex, nor do I think she would have engaged in physical cheating or anything like that. I think she is just embarrassed to admit certain things to me out of fear of what I will say or think. She cares very strongly what others think of her, and I think this is an issue worth addressing.

 

But this girl is so great is so many other regards, and this is something that's been very unlike her up until now. I have no problems launching her in the future if I encounter this again. If I sense that something's off, I'll figure it out pretty easily. I usually don't take stock in people telling me I am paranoid because when the signals coincide with a certain line of logic, it's hard to ignore without invoking a lot of low-probability counter-events. In other words, if it sounds like a duck, etc.

 

In this case I think that as long as we focus on her emotional problem, we can keep the relationship going. And if I turn out to be wrong, well... I guess that's the risk I take. I really hope this isn't the case, though. I'd like to hope that some people are genuinely capable.

[phineas]

Sure, you can learn to trust her.

Just like the the bungee jumper learned to trust crazy glue in the commercial.

[Distant78]

Sometimes in order for one to walk away they must know the feeling of pain and rejection.