BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I don't think you need to completely drop her, but you need to create a lot of space between you. That's why I suggested that you see other women and not see her as much, so you can start to back away from the relationship and see it in a more clear light, and leave it up to her to pull you back in. If she doesn't, well, you're already halfway out the door, so it's just one more step to end it.
eerie_reverie Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Vertex... I know you'd mentioned before that all her relationships have ended at the 6 month mark. You're at 7... maybe this is the point at which the sinister side of her begins to emerge? I don't know if she would have cheated on you, but at best, her deception showed incredible immaturity. Good luck.
Author VertexSquared Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 Yeah she's never made it past 6 months... I really have to wonder why, sometimes
durkadurka Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Yeah she's never made it past 6 months... I really have to wonder why, sometimes Look at what you have said in this thread, do you really still wonder?
pandagirl Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 I don't think this girl is evil or a cheater necessarily, but very immature and selfish.
pandagirl Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 This is so much easier said than done, though. Can I really drop someone (who is otherwise a great fit for me -- our relationship has been amazing up until last night) who may have just made a mistake? She's been there for me in many ways, and part of me believes that this is just a hiccup. Maybe I am making excuses and reparameterizing the situation so it fits what I *want* to believe -- I don't know. I am not sure how unreasonable it is to give her a second chance. People are allowed to make mistakes, but she pretty much flat out lied to you, and tried to manipulate the situation by making her ex look like the crazy one who was contacting her when it was actually her who contacted him. She just kept on lying and lying, trying to save her ass. THAT's that huge big RED FLAG. If she would've just immediately come clean and been honest, MAYBE it would be a different story.
eamherst14051 Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 VS, have you thought about letting her be free. Perhaps acknowledging that you may be a little to controlling (I don't really mean that, just something you would tell her) and that it's not really fair for her not see her old friend? I think this would take all the decision making out of your hands and put them in hers. I for one would be very interested in her reaction. Would she start to wonder why the sudden change in you. Maybe start to worry about what you might be up too and start concentrating on you more than her? Just thinking.
Author VertexSquared Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 I don't think this girl is evil or a cheater necessarily, but very immature and selfish. Which boggles me because she spends so much time doing things for others -- surprises, nice gestures, being thoughtful, listening to friends, etc.
northern_sky Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 (edited) Which boggles me because she spends so much time doing things for others -- surprises, nice gestures, being thoughtful, listening to friends, etc. makes total sense. she isp robably one of these people who is giving to others out of guilt or in order to please but becomes her true self in a relationship. a lot of people are like that. Edited December 3, 2010 by northern_sky
Author VertexSquared Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 makes total sense. she isp robably one of these people who is giving to others out of guilt or in order to please but becomes her true self in a relationship. a lot of people are like that. Gives out of guilt for what?
northern_sky Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Gives out of guilt for what? she grew up with a lot of demands placed on her. she was basically trained to to please others in order to win approval and love. she doesn't have to try as hard with you, since she knows she has you. hence she gets lazy and her true nature comes out.
northern_sky Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 (edited) in addition she had a distant father, which means she probably idolizes guys who are remote (hence her fixation on her ex). I suspect she will keep pushing you further and further away, because she only knows how to love men who are emotionally unavailable and you're way too available to her given your personality...especially when you put up with her bull**** like this. you're sending her the message that she can get away with more bs. understanding somebody's psychology = freedom. people are incredibly predictable. once you notice somebody's patterns and understand them fully you can know with a good degree of certainty whether they will cause you long term happiness or pain. i've never met this girl and i feel like i have a better sense of her than you do. i guess love really is blind. Edited December 3, 2010 by northern_sky
pandagirl Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Which boggles me because she spends so much time doing things for others -- surprises, nice gestures, being thoughtful, listening to friends, etc. I really don't know this girl, but there is a difference between *doing* unselfish things, and actually being a genuinely thoughtful person.
Distant78 Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 in addition she had a distant father, which means she probably idolizes guys who are remote (hence her fixation on her ex). I suspect she will keep pushing you further and further away, because she only knows how to love men who are emotionally unavailable and you're way too available to her given your personality...especially when you put up with her bull**** like this. you're sending her the message that she can get away with more bs. understanding somebody's psychology = freedom. people are incredibly predictable. once you notice somebody's patterns and understand them fully you can know with a good degree of certainty whether they will cause you long term happiness or pain. i've never met this girl and i feel like i have a better sense of her than you do. i guess love really is blind. Oh yea. Basic psychology. My psychology teacher talked extensively about what you just stated when I was in high school. Man that class was soo interesting. Sorry for going kind of off-topic.:laugh:Anyway Vertex, you just cannot continue to let her play you like this. Don't let her innocent demeanor throw you off. From the beginning of your thread, you had her figured out so fast that you made her head spin. Now it is the opposite way around. We as LS posters do not want to see you come back here all sad because your "woman" broke your heart again, even after you were warned repeatedly. You kept walking forward with dignity and self-respect at first, but as soon as she called your name melodically you turned around and now you're running back to her. She has her right hand extended innocently and openly, but her left hand behind her is holding a poisonous 12 inch knife that she will use to stab you in the back emotionally after she has you in her grip. Stop in your tracks and turn around man. She's toxic.
Author VertexSquared Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 But is she really that malicious? I don't think she's intentionally trying to hurt me. I think she is just being selfish when it comes to this stuff -- but I don't know how to believe that she won't pull this stuff when the going gets tough.
pandagirl Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 But is she really that malicious? I don't think she's intentionally trying to hurt me. I think she is just being selfish when it comes to this stuff -- but I don't know how to believe that she won't pull this stuff when the going gets tough. As my psychologist friend says, "Very rarely does anyone WANT to hurt anyone. You'd have to be a really, really evil to want to do that." What she says makes sense. She simply decided that seeing her ex was worth potentially hurting your feelings.
northern_sky Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 But is she really that malicious? I don't think she's intentionally trying to hurt me. I think she is just being selfish when it comes to this stuff -- but I don't know how to believe that she won't pull this stuff when the going gets tough. no, she isn't being malicious. but it doesn't matter. most people who cheat or act selfish in relationships aren't being malicious. it's still toxic.
sumdude Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 VS, you mentioned that her dad was extremely strict. You can assume that she expects that from her man. It also says that in order to fulfill many of her desires in life she had to hide things from dear ole dad.. which means lying. Either you become the strict man she's used to or find someone who isn't drawn to that dynamic.
threebyfate Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 TBF: From your perspective, if you were in her shoes, why would you be contacting the ex? What would you hope to achieve, here, given the story? EDIT: BTW, we are both fatherless. We lost our fathers years prior. I am not fully aware of what kind of relationship her parents had, but she always describes her father as being fairly strict to the point where she just did what she was told. Sometimes I wonder if this has a huge implication in her desire to please/care about everyone.I wouldn't be contacting an ex like that. I am in contact currently with four exes who all contacted me first. H. knows about each and every time and has access to any text-based convos. Sometimes he's around for phone calls, other times not. But he's always there when we physically get together since we're a couple. There are no secrets, lying or lying by omission. So I can't answer your question the way you want me to. And I gave you what I believe to be her reasoning. She's either selfish or still invested in the ex to some degree. I wonder if it's a little bit of both.
threebyfate Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 My guess is she thought she'd never be caught so she didn't see that as a major risk.This is exactly how a cheater acts. Too stupid and selfish to weigh the real risks.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 in some sick way she wanted to see that he was very miserable and alone -- wishing that he felt all the things he had put her through during the 6 months after their breakup. If she were emotionally healthy and happy with you, she would not give a crap about how he's feeling anymore. That she does tells you that she's either: 1. Not emotionally healthy (pretty obvious from many things you have posted here), or 2. Not happy with you. I have no idea about this. It was amazing up till last night.. well maybe for you.. but for her she was pursuing other avenues during the relationship so it wasn't as amazing for her. Exactly. Would you put your relationship at risk by making plans to meet an ex, then lying to your girlfriend about it multiple times? Seriously, think about that. Imagine you had done exactly what she did. It sounds absurd, right? You are more emotionally healthy, and/or she means more to you than you do to her. Which boggles me because she spends so much time doing things for others -- surprises, nice gestures, being thoughtful, listening to friends, etc. People who are exceptionally nice are often behaving that way because they are insecure and think it's the only way they can be certain to be accepted, loved, etc. I know this because I was neglected in a lot of ways as a kid, so I adapted this behavior myself. I am good/positive/nice/lovable -- and insecure -- and I date people like this, too. And I think it's clear you are like this, too, and that's why you were so soft on her. But is she really that malicious? I don't think she's intentionally trying to hurt me. People who behave in dysfunctional ways are often not malicious at all. They just haven't grown/matured/learned enough to get past what's got them tangled up. But that has NOTHING to do with whether you should accept the behavior in your life, from your life partner. I think she is just being selfish when it comes to this stuff -- but I don't know how to believe that she won't pull this stuff when the going gets tough. She will pull this stuff when the going gets tough. This is who she is. She might improve over time, but on the scale of years and decades. She is showing you who she is. Believe it.
Author VertexSquared Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 I fully agree and understand -- which is why this hurts so much right now.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 I fully agree and understand -- which is why this hurts so much right now. I know it might be hard to let this sink in, but it's nothing personal. These are her issues. You have always struck me as a wonderful guy that a girl would be lucky to have.
pandagirl Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 I know it might be hard to let this sink in, but it's nothing personal. These are her issues. You have always struck me as a wonderful guy that a girl would be lucky to have. I agree. You deserve someone who is going to treat you as you treat them.
Crazy Magnet Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 LAUNCH!!!!! My BF and I talked about this (yes, he knows all about LS--heck he probably reads about himself lol) His consensus was who cares what the contact was about, she LIED TO HIS FACE so she was obviously pursuing some type of inappropriate relationship and she clearly knew what she was doing. He said he would dump me. So we both vote to move on from this girl.
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