Author VertexSquared Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 We've been discussing all this in great detail -- trying to get a gauge for whether or not this is worth continuing.
DustySaltus Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 We've been discussing all this in great detail -- trying to get a gauge for whether or not this is worth continuing. She lied to you about contacting him. She says that she's looking for "closure" TWO years later. That's two strikes for me right there. If anything else was to pop up, I highly recommend you consider breaking it off. Trust your instincts....always.
Author VertexSquared Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 She lied to you about contacting him. She says that she's looking for "closure" TWO years later. That's two strikes for me right there. If anything else was to pop up, I highly recommend you consider breaking it off. Trust your instincts....always. That's what I'm trying to do, I suppose. My instincts tell me that she's being straight with me right now (my instincts are almost ALWAYS right when it comes to gauging honesty). In the past relationship, I forgave my ex because I was afraid of being alone... I knew she was probably not being honest with me and that I was bitten by that at the time. But regarding my current gf, I really don't think she was going to cheat. I think she just felt guilty about meeting with an ex she wasn't over in an attempt to feel better about herself in whatever way -- some way of coping with the damage he did to her. But I've let her know very clearly that if she is ever dishonest with me again, that's it. If she's feeling upset or if she feels like she's missing something, I want her to talk with me about it rather than look elsewhere. Instincts are telling me that she's not going to continue lying and that she's going to try harder. She's not a dumb girl -- I think she's just been hurt and scared, and scared people occasionally make stupid mistakes. I just want to make sure that we're there for each other fully, and if this isn't possible, we need to end it sooner rather than later.
threebyfate Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 She just replied to me, "maybe it was for closure" -- not something she thought thoroughly when she messaged him. It was impulsive. She thinks I am right though -- he really screwed her up and she thought she had closure a while ago, but maybe it wasn't enough. He apparently didn't allow her to be herself -- not in the sense where he straight out told her how to act, but in the sense that she couldn't feel comfortable beind herself. He never liked going into the city of venturing new restaurants, etc, all things that she loved doing but wasn't able to do with him (but she can do these things with me because many of our interests overlap). So when he finally did move to NYC, she felt hurt. It reminded her of all the times he had badmouthed the city and given her crap for it, only to move there on his own accord after the damage had been done. Even after they broke up, she found out at one point that he went to the city almost every weekend, which hurt my girlfriend, too. It was like "she didn't mean enough to him for him to want to do something in the city with her."Vertex, you just gave her a lifeline by giving her the "closure" thought. This tells me that you wanted her story to be about closure, rather than an open option. Also, as you've stated, she's all about pleasing. How much do you think in this type of emotional state she's in, she might have asked how high when he showed interest again? Oh wait, she already solicited a drink with him and then lied with forethought to you so she could see him. Then continued lying so she could see him. You're honestly not following the logic trail anymore. You're following a desire to stay with her on an emotional level by throwing her a lifeline and she snapped it up fast by agreeing with you that "maybe it was about closure". You're going to stay with her and give her another chance. This is a given from what I've just read through since last night. Just make sure you have all your ducks in order and decide EXACTLY what it would take to recreate trust in your relationship. Unless trust can be reinstated fully, the slippery slope you're trying to climb is all about backward sliding. But if she needs that codependent drama in her relationship, perhaps she'll be really happy to have the drama back. But I don't think you enjoy drama in your relationships and even if you do, it's a very unhealthy state to want. No trust and respect, no healthy relationship. And that's a fact, Jack! Thinking about this more, what kind of relationship do her parents have? After 7 months, she should have told you about their relationship. If not, find out. It might provide some insight into who she is, rather than the person she's been portraying to you. But don't ask now. Give it a couple of weeks for things to simmer down so she doesn't know why you're asking.
northern_sky Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 She's sobbing on the phone and I don't know what to do. I love her so much but I have to be true to myself... I don't know what to do she's pulling out all the manipulation tricks.
northern_sky Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 You're doormatting yourself. This chick is going to walk all over you. I can see it. Don't be fooled by her manipulation tactics (crying, begging, etc.). I don't understand why you went through the trouble of seeing how far she'd go in her lying, when you dropped the ball and decided to forgive her at the end. Surely you must know that somebody who betrays trust won't stop because they're called on it. They'll just find craftier ways of concealing their behavior. Now you're worse off than you were before because you know she's betrayed you once and you're still continuing to see her.
Jannah Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I am torn right now. Whenever I've been in a relationship, my "sixth sense" intuition has always been correct. When something seems fishy, it usually is. At one point during lunch yesterday, my girlfriend mentioned that she had been contacted by an ex of hers. This ex -- we'll call him Mike -- has only been in one relationship, and it was with my girlfriend. He was also the one that broke it off. So my girlfriend tells me that Mike contacted her and mentioned that he had recently moved into the city, etc etc, asked for good places to get groceries, and that sort of thing. As she was telling this story, she made it sound like she was creeped out and that he was being all nosy and intrusive (such as asking where she was staying, etc). But her demeanor was really fishy about the whole thing. And so while she was in my apartment last night, she went to take a shower -- I took a peek at her facebook mail on the user account I made for her on my computer (she saves the password via cookie). Turns out SHE contacted HIM first after noticing he had moved into the city. None of the "creepiness" implied in my girlfriend's story was present in these mails. And then, partway into the conversation, she says "We should get a drink sometime!" followed by Mike's acceptance of the invitation. He then proceeded to give her times of availability, saying that she had the honor of choosing the location. I'm honestly torn about this whole situation: 1. I hate that I couldn't trust her and had to invade her privacy -- it's so wrong of me, and yet when I know something's off, I can't force myself to just intentionally look the other way 2. I hate that my suspicions were sound and that the story she gave me did not seem "right" 3. I hate that she's going to see an ex that hurt her the most during their breakup. Apparently this guy caused her a lot of pain for a very long time when he dumped her. 4. I hate feeling so insecure about this, but I hate that every time I feel suspicious, I turn out to be right. What do you think? Am I overreacting? I don't know what I should be feeling. It's not so much about getting a drink with an an ex, but the lie itself. She said HE contacted her first, when it was the other way around... She suggested they get together for a drink.... That is what I would have an issue with.
northern_sky Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Follow the logic trail. She's either incredibly selfish or still invested in the ex to some degree that she would risk the loss of a relationship for something so purportedly trivial. My guess is she thought she'd never be caught so she didn't see that as a major risk.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 That's what I'm trying to do, I suppose. My instincts tell me that she's being straight with me right now (my instincts are almost ALWAYS right when it comes to gauging honesty). In the past relationship, I forgave my ex because I was afraid of being alone... I knew she was probably not being honest with me and that I was bitten by that at the time. But regarding my current gf, I really don't think she was going to cheat. I think she just felt guilty about meeting with an ex she wasn't over in an attempt to feel better about herself in whatever way -- some way of coping with the damage he did to her. But I've let her know very clearly that if she is ever dishonest with me again, that's it. If she's feeling upset or if she feels like she's missing something, I want her to talk with me about it rather than look elsewhere. Instincts are telling me that she's not going to continue lying and that she's going to try harder. She's not a dumb girl -- I think she's just been hurt and scared, and scared people occasionally make stupid mistakes. I just want to make sure that we're there for each other fully, and if this isn't possible, we need to end it sooner rather than later. First... you have a history of being a doormat. Second, your just making up a bunch of excuses for her. When you talk to her about this... you pretty much caught her planning to cheat on you. That's Effed up! You have to leverage consequences or you will continue to just lay conveniently in front of her door... what do you plan to do?
carhill Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 My guess is she thought she'd never be caught so she didn't see that as a major risk.Or doesn't care.
USCGAviator Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Some people don't learn. I bet if she did do it again you would probably forgive her.
Author VertexSquared Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 (edited) TBF: From your perspective, if you were in her shoes, why would you be contacting the ex? What would you hope to achieve, here, given the story? EDIT: BTW, we are both fatherless. We lost our fathers years prior. I am not fully aware of what kind of relationship her parents had, but she always describes her father as being fairly strict to the point where she just did what she was told. Sometimes I wonder if this has a huge implication in her desire to please/care about everyone. Edited December 2, 2010 by VertexSquared
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 She got dumped by a guy she was into and her ego was bruised in the process. Lot’s of folks have a real hard time with rejection. Unrequited love and all that. Especially a first love. Getting some kind of response or attention from him in any way reconfirms her self-worth and goes a long way in helping to validate her again. Especially if she’s been stewing over this for a while, hoping and fantasizing that one day he’d eventually live to regret it. She pretty much already admitted as much. Truth is, she’s not over this guy… or at least the fact that he dumped her. “Needing Closure” is just a copout for her being obsessed with the one that got away. Some people can’t see or appreciate the good they already have in front of them because they’re too preoccupied pining over someone in their past. Perhaps if she lost you in the interim, You’d be the guy she’d spend the next two years wondering about. I think you deserve to be treated much better by someone, myself. Never lie to someone who trusts you, and never, ever trust someone who lies to you!
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Think about this, if she is such a peoplepleaser and was so hurt by the way he treated her, yet wanted to meet up..what do you think she would do if he did show her the attention and affection that she desperately sought before? Seems like she's still attached and probably is still seeking his attention and approval since..she couldn't have it before. Like I said, start distancing yourself from her and if she still comes on strong and wants to fix things then slowly open yourself back up to her emotionally. You need to do the same thing her ex did, and not give her what she wants, at least not right away.
DustySaltus Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 one day he’d eventually live to regret it. Apparently not, he's not the one who initiated contact. So it doesn't seem like he was losing any sleep. Vertex, you have to stop making excuses. We all have issues, but it's how we deal with them that builds our character. By trying to please everyone, you please no one. She was on her way to having an emotional affair with the ex....sometimes, that's even worse than a physical one.
DustySaltus Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Think about this, if she is such a peoplepleaser and was so hurt by the way he treated her, yet wanted to meet up..what do you think she would do if he did show her the attention and affection that she desperately sought before? Seems like she's still attached and probably is still seeking his attention and approval since..she couldn't have it before. Like I said, start distancing yourself from her and if she still comes on strong and wants to fix things then slowly open yourself back up to her emotionally. You need to do the same thing her ex did, and not give her what she wants, at least not right away. ^^^^^^^^100% agree
Author VertexSquared Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 How do I do this most effectively?
DustySaltus Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 How do I do this most effectively? Tell her you need time to process what just happened and evaluate your relationship.
Author VertexSquared Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 Tell her you need time to process what just happened and evaluate your relationship. I have indeed done this -- I mean what is the best way for me to act within the confines of the relationship? What should I expect from her? What should I expect for myself?
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 How often do you two see each other? I know she stays with you a lot, but how many days a week would you say that you see her? I'm thinking you two probably see too much of each other. I honestly think she is/was bored. Cut down on the amount of time that you spend with her, and start going out on dates with her once or twice a week, rather than just staying at your place. Do not talk about the future with her, and if she asks, just tell her you want to take things one day at a time right now. I think you should also start talking to other girls(DON'T DO ANYTHING MORE THAN TALK) and see if there are more compatible women out there for you too. Basically, I think you should treat her well and make your interactions fun and don't keep reminding her of this, but at the same time, don't think of her as the only girl in your life(even if she is). During the next few weeks/months of her "probation", you need to be looking for a replacement until you feel comfortable opening yourself up fully with her again.
Distant78 Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 How often do you two see each other? I know she stays with you a lot, but how many days a week would you say that you see her? I'm thinking you two probably see too much of each other. I honestly think she is/was bored. Cut down on the amount of time that you spend with her, and start going out on dates with her once or twice a week, rather than just staying at your place. Do not talk about the future with her, and if she asks, just tell her you want to take things one day at a time right now. I think you should also start talking to other girls(DON'T DO ANYTHING MORE THAN TALK) and see if there are more compatible women out there for you too. Basically, I think you should treat her well and make your interactions fun and don't keep reminding her of this, but at the same time, don't think of her as the only girl in your life(even if she is). During the next few weeks/months of her "probation", you need to be looking for a replacement until you feel comfortable opening yourself up fully with her again. Agreed. He needs to go the full 360 plan and drop her completely. He deserves someone who will never do this to him. Vertex, wake up man. If you keep acting so needy and helpless, you're only going to fall even deeper in the hole and end up getting hurt more. Stop acting like you don't know what you need to do man. You were aggressive and quick-minded when you caught your girl who was about to physically cheat on you. You need to get back to that side of you and drop her. Yes we know how infidelity hurts and we know you're in pain, but you cannot treat yourself like this. It will only lead to more heartache.
Author VertexSquared Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 What fear are you processing right now? Her emotional honesty. I don't want to always be wondering whether or not she's 100% in this with me. The thought that part of her was stuck on this hangup with Mike is a bit worrisome. Again, I am pretty certain she doesn't love him or anything like that, but it irks me that she was willing to bend over backwards to lie about seeing someone that she claims was so hurtful to her. I've always known she's had it rough with past relationships, and I've known that Mike was hard to get over. I just didn't think she'd still give in to that impetus. If she wasn't doing it to fulfill some desire for closure, I don't know what else it was for.
Author VertexSquared Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 Agreed. He needs to go the full 360 plan and drop her completely. He deserves someone who will never do this to him. Vertex, wake up man. If you keep acting so needy and helpless, you're only going to fall even deeper in the hole and end up getting hurt more. Stop acting like you don't know what you need to do man. You were aggressive and quick-minded when you caught your girl who was about to physically cheat on you. You need to get back to that side of you and drop her. Yes we know how infidelity hurts and we know you're in pain, but you cannot treat yourself like this. It will only lead to more heartache. This is so much easier said than done, though. Can I really drop someone (who is otherwise a great fit for me -- our relationship has been amazing up until last night) who may have just made a mistake? She's been there for me in many ways, and part of me believes that this is just a hiccup. Maybe I am making excuses and reparameterizing the situation so it fits what I *want* to believe -- I don't know. I am not sure how unreasonable it is to give her a second chance.
Art_Critic Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 This is so much easier said than done, though. Can I really drop someone (who is otherwise a great fit for me -- our relationship has been amazing up until last night) who may have just made a mistake? She's been there for me in many ways, and part of me believes that this is just a hiccup. Maybe I am making excuses and reparameterizing the situation so it fits what I *want* to believe -- I don't know. I am not sure how unreasonable it is to give her a second chance. It was amazing up till last night.. well maybe for you.. but for her she was pursuing other avenues during the relationship so it wasn't as amazing for her. I'm a forgiver too VS.. and honestly that has sometimes been a shortcoming of mine but one I'm proud of.. Just don't forgive and forget if she isn't being totally real to you... She needs to meet you more than half way as the trust bond is now broken.. and if she is being totally real to you then good luck to you both..
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