Would you be okay with your girlfriend getting a drink with an ex?

[Green]

First off I WILL BREAK IT ALL DOWN FOR YOU. READ VERY CAREFULY

 

WHY OH WHY did she say that stuff about her boyfriend contacting you.

 

Most likely one of a few reasons a) it just popped into her head as something fun to talk about to cause drama and see how you react. (plus girls are dilusional about this crap so she might have believed her own lies) b) GUILT and some how telling a half truth made her feel absolved.

 

Analysis: NOT THE GIRL YOU WANT TO BE WITH... You want some one who looks out for your emotional well being... not some one who tells amusing stories of their ex contacting them and giving them a "hard time."

 

At this point I would have DEMANDED to see her CHAT LOGS on FB or WHERE EVER ELSE SHE MENTIONED talking to him. And if she had said "I delete those" I'd be like BULL ****!!! (I would ask her all this in person with acess to a computer so she couldn't delet or change stuff) (the fact that you looked at her fb on your own is a little shady.... BUT FOR The lOVE OF MIKE IT WAS OBVIOUSE SOMETHING WAS UP

 

Then when you confront her she tells you "YOUR PARANOID" no one NO ONE WANTS TO BE PARANOID... SHe mADE U THAT WAY.. AND YOU WERE RIGHT!!!

 

I saw this relationship from cradle (ur first posts on here) to grave (this thread). THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!!!!!! but you fall for her CROCODILE TEARS... she isn't crying because she is losing you... she doesn't want to get DUMPED... SHE WANTS TO BE THE DUMPER... or she wants her COZY PLACE HOLDER RELATIONSHIP.... Basicly she dates/marries you well she waits for fun with other men... maybe she leaves you one day(most likely) or if you are really unlucky she stays with you till you dump her (which doesn't seem like it will happen)

 

Look if you don't have the strength to see past her crocodile tears atleast treat her the way she treats you AS A PLACE HOLDER. Really dude that would just turn you into her... but atleast your doing it for a slightly better reason...... you really should just DUMP HER...

 

She was crying because she was caught... crying because she doesn't want to get dumped... heck you probably became more attractive to a person like her because you were thinking of dumping her... and now you're right back to the guy she will cheat on..

 

OH AND SHE ALREADY CHEATED on YOU. SHE WAS IN THE WORKS OF SETTING UP SECRET DATE WITH HER FLIRTY EX WHO SHE STILL DOESN't have "closure" with. That means she still has feelings. She had an EA that was easily going to turn into a PA if this guy wanted it. Heck if this guy wanted ur gf back he could probably just take her away from you at this point.. how does it feel to know that you 7 months actualy made you less respectable... its backwards with this girl.

 

From the start you seemed so happy to be in a relationship. So afraid of being alone. You have to be willing to dump a girl for things like this or this becomes your life. You still don't trust her. Doubt she will ever earn it back. Get ready for round two. How does it feel... just break up and you'll find some one real. I know you guys had fun and you don't need to forget the fun times... but you have no obligation to continue a romantic relationship with no TRUST.

[Els]

I honestly think that whatever your decision is, you need to hash it out with her for the final time, stick to it, and do your best to move on from there, whether it be with her or without her.

 

The reason being that your decision to give her a second chance is useless if you keep second guessing it in your head like this. Yes, if a second chance occurs she owes it to you to do whatever she can to rebuild that trust, but you need to make your decision, stick to your guns, stop thinking about it, work together with her and learn to rebuilt trust. If you carry on playing the doubts and hurt in your head over and over again and do not start from a fresh slate, the relationship will die as surely as if you had decided to leave her right now. Except it will just be a longer, more protracted death.

 

So. Decide, and move forward. I know full well it is easier said than done. The bf and I have had a fallout much like yours - different thing, no cheating or 'third party' betrayal, but a betrayal of feelings, which hurts equally much. It was incredibly difficult for me to put it behind me and reinvest my whole self in the R. But I realize that if I do not, I may as well have just ended it that day.

 

Thus, I carry on, and if it occurs again despite both of our best efforts, it is over. I know that I won't regret it, because I truly gave it my best shot, as opposed to not giving a second chance and walking away wondering 'what if'. But then, he is incredibly special to me, and I have never really met anyone quite like that before. I have a feeling that this is how you feel about your girl as well.

[Distant78]

First off I WILL BREAK IT ALL DOWN FOR YOU. READ VERY CAREFULY

 

WHY OH WHY did she say that stuff about her boyfriend contacting you.

 

Most likely one of a few reasons a) it just popped into her head as something fun to talk about to cause drama and see how you react. (plus girls are dilusional about this crap so she might have believed her own lies) b) GUILT and some how telling a half truth made her feel absolved.

 

Analysis: NOT THE GIRL YOU WANT TO BE WITH... You want some one who looks out for your emotional well being... not some one who tells amusing stories of their ex contacting them and giving them a "hard time."

 

At this point I would have DEMANDED to see her CHAT LOGS on FB or WHERE EVER ELSE SHE MENTIONED talking to him. And if she had said "I delete those" I'd be like BULL ****!!! (I would ask her all this in person with acess to a computer so she couldn't delet or change stuff) (the fact that you looked at her fb on your own is a little shady.... BUT FOR The lOVE OF MIKE IT WAS OBVIOUSE SOMETHING WAS UP

 

Then when you confront her she tells you "YOUR PARANOID" no one NO ONE WANTS TO BE PARANOID... SHe mADE U THAT WAY.. AND YOU WERE RIGHT!!!

 

I saw this relationship from cradle (ur first posts on here) to grave (this thread). THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!!!!!! but you fall for her CROCODILE TEARS... she isn't crying because she is losing you... she doesn't want to get DUMPED... SHE WANTS TO BE THE DUMPER... or she wants her COZY PLACE HOLDER RELATIONSHIP.... Basicly she dates/marries you well she waits for fun with other men... maybe she leaves you one day(most likely) or if you are really unlucky she stays with you till you dump her (which doesn't seem like it will happen)

 

Look if you don't have the strength to see past her crocodile tears atleast treat her the way she treats you AS A PLACE HOLDER. Really dude that would just turn you into her... but atleast your doing it for a slightly better reason...... you really should just DUMP HER...

 

She was crying because she was caught... crying because she doesn't want to get dumped... heck you probably became more attractive to a person like her because you were thinking of dumping her... and now you're right back to the guy she will cheat on..

 

OH AND SHE ALREADY CHEATED on YOU. SHE WAS IN THE WORKS OF SETTING UP SECRET DATE WITH HER FLIRTY EX WHO SHE STILL DOESN't have "closure" with. That means she still has feelings. She had an EA that was easily going to turn into a PA if this guy wanted it. Heck if this guy wanted ur gf back he could probably just take her away from you at this point.. how does it feel to know that you 7 months actualy made you less respectable... its backwards with this girl.

 

From the start you seemed so happy to be in a relationship. So afraid of being alone. You have to be willing to dump a girl for things like this or this becomes your life. You still don't trust her. Doubt she will ever earn it back. Get ready for round two. How does it feel... just break up and you'll find some one real. I know you guys had fun and you don't need to forget the fun times... but you have no obligation to continue a romantic relationship with no TRUST.

 

Agreed. Vertex it would've been almost a guarantee that if you hadn't caught her early, she would've ended up having full-blown sex with him/

[VertexSquared]

I honestly think that whatever your decision is, you need to hash it out with her for the final time, stick to it, and do your best to move on from there, whether it be with her or without her.

 

The reason being that your decision to give her a second chance is useless if you keep second guessing it in your head like this. Yes, if a second chance occurs she owes it to you to do whatever she can to rebuild that trust, but you need to make your decision, stick to your guns, stop thinking about it, work together with her and learn to rebuilt trust. If you carry on playing the doubts and hurt in your head over and over again and do not start from a fresh slate, the relationship will die as surely as if you had decided to leave her right now. Except it will just be a longer, more protracted death.

 

So. Decide, and move forward. I know full well it is easier said than done. The bf and I have had a fallout much like yours - different thing, no cheating or 'third party' betrayal, but a betrayal of feelings, which hurts equally much. It was incredibly difficult for me to put it behind me and reinvest my whole self in the R. But I realize that if I do not, I may as well have just ended it that day.

 

Thus, I carry on, and if it occurs again despite both of our best efforts, it is over. I know that I won't regret it, because I truly gave it my best shot, as opposed to not giving a second chance and walking away wondering 'what if'. But then, he is incredibly special to me, and I have never really met anyone quite like that before. I have a feeling that this is how you feel about your girl as well.

 

This is precisely how I am trying to analyze this situation right now. I understand that based on what I've said in this thread, I can see why people would be so quick to say "Dump her!"

 

But the truth of the matter is that there are a lot of things in the relationship worth saving -- and it's not that I am afraid of being alone or anything. There are many girls here in the city I could date. But I really wanted things to work out with THIS specific girl. There are a lot of compatibilities otherwise that work really well in this relationship.

 

At the same time, I understand that this is a decision that can't be half-assed. If I decide to forgive her, I have to actually forgive her. If I'm always wondering in the back of my mind, the entire thing's going to collapse. Or, I have to end it. Either way, I can't try to straddle the middle point, here.

 

The problem is that she's constantly asking me how she can help regain my trust in her, and I'm always at a loss. I'm not sure how one can regain trust other than being honest. Saying "I'm good for it" in the wake of untruths is not convincing.

 

How did you resolve your own situation? How do you reinvest yourself in the relationship correctly going forward? How is a betrayal of feelings best addressed?

[northern_sky]

This is precisely how I am trying to analyze this situation right now. I understand that based on what I've said in this thread, I can see why people would be so quick to say "Dump her!"

 

But the truth of the matter is that there are a lot of things in the relationship worth saving -- and it's not that I am afraid of being alone or anything. There are many girls here in the city I could date. But I really wanted things to work out with THIS specific girl. There are a lot of compatibilities otherwise that work really well in this relationship.

 

At the same time, I understand that this is a decision that can't be half-assed. If I decide to forgive her, I have to actually forgive her. If I'm always wondering in the back of my mind, the entire thing's going to collapse. Or, I have to end it. Either way, I can't try to straddle the middle point, here.

 

The problem is that she's constantly asking me how she can help regain my trust in her, and I'm always at a loss. I'm not sure how one can regain trust other than being honest. Saying "I'm good for it" in the wake of untruths is not convincing.

 

How did you resolve your own situation? How do you reinvest yourself in the relationship correctly going forward? How is a betrayal of feelings best addressed?

 

Lame, but not surprising.

[VertexSquared]

What's lame? I'm simply trying to best assess the situation and the likelihood of future outcomes based on current decisions.

[northern_sky]

What's lame? I'm simply trying to best assess the situation and the likelihood of future outcomes based on current decisions.

 

You seem to think you're being objective, but you're not. From an objective standpoint it's pretty obvious this is a bad investment.

 

At least be honest with yourself and acknowledge that you're making this decision out of emotion rather than reason.

[Art_Critic]

You seem to think you're being objective, but you're not. From an objective standpoint it's pretty obvious this is a bad investment.

 

It's a Heart-Head deal NS...

 

Follow the head or the heart ?

Many times I've followed my head and felt I didn't give it my all..many times I've followed my heart and felt taken advantage of in the end..

 

Either answer is correct.. VS just needs to figure out which one fits the bill for him.

[Jannah]

This is precisely how I am trying to analyze this situation right now. I understand that based on what I've said in this thread, I can see why people would be so quick to say "Dump her!"

 

But the truth of the matter is that there are a lot of things in the relationship worth saving -- and it's not that I am afraid of being alone or anything. There are many girls here in the city I could date. But I really wanted things to work out with THIS specific girl. There are a lot of compatibilities otherwise that work really well in this relationship.

 

At the same time, I understand that this is a decision that can't be half-assed. If I decide to forgive her, I have to actually forgive her. If I'm always wondering in the back of my mind, the entire thing's going to collapse. Or, I have to end it. Either way, I can't try to straddle the middle point, here.

 

The problem is that she's constantly asking me how she can help regain my trust in her, and I'm always at a loss. I'm not sure how one can regain trust other than being honest. Saying "I'm good for it" in the wake of untruths is not convincing.

 

How did you resolve your own situation? How do you reinvest yourself in the relationship correctly going forward? How is a betrayal of feelings best addressed?

 

Your girlfriend was deceptive with her actions. For you, ultimately, it requires a willingness to forgive and forget. In order to forgive and forget, will take action on her part, and your acceptance of it.

 

Doesn't happen overnight, in which case, time is really the best healer.

[northern_sky]

It's a Heart-Head deal NS...

 

Follow the head or the heart ?

Many times I've followed my head and felt I didn't give it my all..many times I've followed my heart and felt taken advantage of in the end..

 

Either answer is correct.. VS just needs to figure out which one fits the bill for him.

 

True, but it's temptingly easy to say "what if?" in retrospect.

 

Yet how often does following your heart over your head end well? Not very.

[VertexSquared]

I'm trying to reconcile both. I'm not going to blindly follow my heart if my head knows that I am almost certainly going to hurt myself in the future.

 

I'm trying to be rational by acknowledging warning signs and what's gone wrong, but also trying to gauge her ability to be serious about making an effort going forward. I am doing this because I do love her and would prefer things to work out with *her* and not some other girl.

 

If we can take the correct steps to repair this serious breach of trust, I'd rather not auto-dump her. The problem lies in enforcement and how to forgive, I think. What does it mean to forgive and not forget? How do I change the way I make decisions/thoughts based on future actions/words from my girlfriend over time until trust is fully regained? How can she best direct her efforts into regaining trust? How can I positively reinforce her actions to let her know that I am appreciating her efforts to try?

[pandagirl]

I'm trying to reconcile both. I'm not going to blindly follow my heart if my head knows that I am almost certainly going to hurt myself in the future.

 

I'm trying to be rational by acknowledging warning signs and what's gone wrong, but also trying to gauge her ability to be serious about making an effort going forward. I am doing this because I do love her and would prefer things to work out with *her* and not some other girl.

 

If we can take the correct steps to repair this serious breach of trust, I'd rather not auto-dump her. The problem lies in enforcement and how to forgive, I think. What does it mean to forgive and not forget? How do I change the way I make decisions/thoughts based on future actions/words from my girlfriend over time until trust is fully regained? How can she best direct her efforts into regaining trust? How can I positively reinforce her actions to let her know that I am appreciating her efforts to try?

 

None of these questions are going to be answered overnight, but only over an amount of time. Perhaps, you haven't been in this situation before, so your reaction to it is new and uninformed, so you don't know how to proceed or what the answers are.

 

Either way, you'll find your answer soon.

[Jannah]

I'm trying to reconcile both. I'm not going to blindly follow my heart if my head knows that I am almost certainly going to hurt myself in the future.

 

I'm trying to be rational by acknowledging warning signs and what's gone wrong, but also trying to gauge her ability to be serious about making an effort going forward. I am doing this because I do love her and would prefer things to work out with *her* and not some other girl.

 

If we can take the correct steps to repair this serious breach of trust, I'd rather not auto-dump her. The problem lies in enforcement and how to forgive, I think. What does it mean to forgive and not forget? How do I change the way I make decisions/thoughts based on future actions/words from my girlfriend over time until trust is fully regained? How can she best direct her efforts into regaining trust? How can I positively reinforce her actions to let her know that I am appreciating her efforts to try?

 

I guess the question is, how do you not forget the betrayel, but are able to forgive them? With forgiving and forgetting, I think they BOTH have to coincide.

[VertexSquared]

I guess the question is, how do you not forget the betrayel, but are able to forgive them? With forgiving and forgetting, I think they BOTH have to coincide.

 

I think it's a function of benefit-of-doubt. That is to say, I won't automatically assume she's lying or wondering if she's lying. I'll take what she tells me at face value -- assuming that it is truthful unless something indicates otherwise, and not bringing this incident up needlessly in the future.

 

But I think by not forgetting, that means that she needs to be making an extra effort to show me that she's serious about increased transparency so I have a better idea what's going on in her life.

 

If these things don't coincide, then it's going to be hard to forgive and move on if the effort isn't present. I am also taking into account the fact that I am very good at detecting lies -- even white ones.

[DustySaltus]

The last time I followed my heart instead of my instincts it cost me tens of thousands of dollars in travel expenses, one engagement ring, a year of my life and almost. All because I refused to follow my instincts. That's the whole reason why I'm here giving advice, because I don't want anyone to have to go through what I did....

 

VS, you can't be a hero to someone who doesn't want to be saved. If you forgive her this time, there's no telling when (and it's a matter of when not if) it will happen again. You know this, it is fact not fiction. I know you care about her but unfortunatrly, she's all about her.

[VertexSquared]

The last time I followed my heart instead of my instincts it cost me tens of thousands of dollars in travel expenses, one engagement ring, a year of my life and almost. All because I refused to follow my instincts. That's the whole reason why I'm here giving advice, because I don't want anyone to have to go through what I did....

 

VS, you can't be a hero to someone who doesn't want to be saved. If you forgive her this time, there's no telling when (and it's a matter of when not if) it will happen again. You know this, it is fact not fiction. I know you care about her but unfortunatrly, she's all about her.

 

But does this imply that situations like these are inexorably screwed? That trust is impossible to regain or not worth regaining? That large mistakes aren't able to be assessed and properly handled going forward?

[pandagirl]

Honestly, I think we're all being a little too hard on Vertex. I think what we're telling him is all good advice, and we're looking out for his best interest, but the worst thing that will happen, is he tries to work things out with her and they still breakup.

 

If that happens, it's just a life lesson. He will learn what he can and won't tolerate in a relationship, and know more of what he's looking for in a partner.

 

Isn't that what life is all about? Making mistakes, having experiences, then learning from them and moving on?

[Jannah]

I think it's a function of benefit-of-doubt. That is to say, I won't automatically assume she's lying or wondering if she's lying. I'll take what she tells me at face value -- assuming that it is truthful unless something indicates otherwise, and not bringing this incident up needlessly in the future.

 

But I think by not forgetting, that means that she needs to be making an extra effort to show me that she's serious about increased transparency so I have a better idea what's going on in her life.

 

If these things don't coincide, then it's going to be hard to forgive and move on if the effort isn't present. I am also taking into account the fact that I am very good at detecting lies -- even white ones.

 

You're a bigger person then in that regard, I know I would struggle with forgiving let alone forgetting.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I honestly think that whatever your decision is, you need to hash it out with her for the final time, stick to it, and do your best to move on from there, whether it be with her or without her.

 

The reason being that your decision to give her a second chance is useless if you keep second guessing it in your head like this. Yes, if a second chance occurs she owes it to you to do whatever she can to rebuild that trust, but you need to make your decision, stick to your guns, stop thinking about it, work together with her and learn to rebuilt trust. If you carry on playing the doubts and hurt in your head over and over again and do not start from a fresh slate, the relationship will die as surely as if you had decided to leave her right now. Except it will just be a longer, more protracted death.

 

So. Decide, and move forward.

 

Thus, I carry on, and if it occurs again despite both of our best efforts, it is over. I know that I won't regret it, because I truly gave it my best shot, as opposed to not giving a second chance and walking away wondering 'what if'. But then, he is incredibly special to me, and I have never really met anyone quite like that before. I have a feeling that this is how you feel about your girl as well.

 

Dear OP

 

PLEASE please listen to Elswyth.

 

I am NOT defending or justifying what your girlfriend did in any way. But it's time now to pick your path and STAY on it. If it's worth taking a risk with her then so be it. It's on YOU now. If you DO take the risk, it's on YOU to not let this experience bring toxicity into the entirety of your relationship, or it won't be worth anything even if she does not behave like this any more.

 

If you know you CANNOT move on, then you need to let her go and be at peace with your decision, though you will be in pain at the same time.

 

It's hard.

 

I would like to suggest that you have enough input from this thread and perhaps you might consider staying away from it now. I think you've received all the useful advice that you are going to get. People are analyzing your girlfriends entire psyche based on a few sketchy posts, and others are loudly requiring you to "launch" her and bringing your manhood into question if you don't.

 

Keep in mind that many of our fellow LS members have not had a relationship of any depth, and some have put up with way worse, even without a serious bond of any kind.

 

What you don't need now is more self doubt. I think that when you have firmly made your decision, you will need support with how to live with that successfully.

[northern_sky]

\

Keep in mind that many of our fellow LS members have not had a relationship of any depth, and some have put up with way worse, even without a serious bond of any kind.

 

\

 

Speak for yourself. That's an unfair characterization and a low blow to people who contributed to this thread. I've had several serious, deep relationships, and as far as I recall so have most of the other posters who advised him to break up with her.

Edited December 3, 2010 by northern_sky

[VertexSquared]

I chose to forgive.

 

We agreed to move on from this under a few conditions:

 

1. I not needlessly doubt her or have lingering doubts in my mind (or needlessly bring this situation up as a sort of grudge) -- I'll assume she's being honest when she says or does something.

 

2. But at the same time, she has to not give me a reason TO doubt these things.

 

3. She has to make an extra effort, at the same time, to prove that she's trying harder to increase transparency and take my feelings into consideration.

 

4. If this happens again, it's over (not negotiable).

 

 

I think this is a fair way to proceed.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Good luck to you! I hope it all works, and that if you need support carrying out your decision, you'll get it here.

 

Onward!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Worse case scenario, you give her another chance and somewhere down the line, just when you start to get comfortable, you get played for a fool again.

 

It certainly didn’t ruin your life this time, and it won’t wreck you the next time so long as you’re aware that the possibility exists. It’s a Fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice, shame on me sorta thing. Never bet what you’re not already willing to lose. If you’ve assessed the cost/risk factor to yourself and feel that this gal is still worthy of a second chance, then go for it! If she proves to be a bad bet, then that’s on her and not you --- SO LONG AS you’re willing to accept that fact, cut your losses and move on without being surprised or angry that someone remained true to their own nature rather than following your script.

 

Either way, you’ll live through it.

[northern_sky]

Good luck, Vertex. I hope it works out. If it doesn't, this will be a great life lesson.

[carhill]

5. She will have no contact with her ex