Would you be okay with your girlfriend getting a drink with an ex?

[BackUpOrGetStung]

At this point you're in the driver's seat. I think your short silent treatment has gotten her attention, and I think you need to tell her how she can make things right, before she tries to get mad about you going through her FB. I think you should start to distance yourself a bit from her and let her earn your trust back, while keeping other options open in case things go south.

[Distant78]

I talked to her about it and she lied through her teeth. I asked for a screenshot but she sent me text, then said she regularly deleted FB messages. I told her she was lying because I've seen her on my computer on FB before and I *know* she keeps her messages. Didn't have to hack to do that.

 

She lied through her teeth and tried to displace the blame to my paranoia before I mentioned that I had already seen the entire convo.

 

I had a big feeling this was going to happen. We all applaud you for seeing the bad signs early and taking calm, aggressive, immediate action to get some answers. She constantly kept lying and trying to put blame on your false insecurities even in the face of evidence pointing to her, so currently she's scared to lose you. Now you know what you must do...

[MrNate]

How sad. Me, personally, I'd let it go before things get any worse.

 

I'm a very tolerant man, but one thing I don't tolerate are liars. Especially, when it comes to relationships, where trust is the foundation.

 

But, what you do from this point is up to you.

Edited December 2, 2010 by MrNate

[VertexSquared]

She's sobbing on the phone and I don't know what to do. I love her so much but I have to be true to myself... I don't know what to do

[Art_Critic]

Would you be okay with your girlfriend getting a drink with an ex? Reply to Thread

 

No..........

[threebyfate]

I talked to her about it and she lied through her teeth. I asked for a screenshot but she sent me text, then said she regularly deleted FB messages. I told her she was lying because I've seen her on my computer on FB before and I *know* she keeps her messages. Didn't have to hack to do that.

 

She lied through her teeth and tried to displace the blame to my paranoia before I mentioned that I had already seen the entire convo.

Holy Dinah! I can't believe she would continue lying when it must have been obvious you knew something. Not too bright.

 

She's sobbing on the phone and I don't know what to do. I love her so much but I have to be true to myself... I don't know what to do

You tell her to call you back when she's gotten ahold of herself. Don't bend to tears.

[Perhaps]

She's sobbing on the phone and I don't know what to do. I love her so much but I have to be true to myself... I don't know what to do

 

 

Well. Depends on what you want. Do you love her enough to look past this? Will you be able to look past this? Tell her that you're really hurt by what she did and you don't want any of it from someone you trust. You wouldn't do that to her and you expect the same in return.

 

Just make sure you let her know that you're not some pushover who will tolerate anything like this again. Listen to your sixth sense. Do you feel you can move forward together?

[paleblue]

I hate when sh** like this happens. I say always listen to your sixth sense. Its usually right.

 

Hey, should could have been truthful. I love how some girls love trying to blame shift. Classic.

 

Now, she'll just be more careful next time she deceives you.

[MrNate]

She's sobbing on the phone and I don't know what to do. I love her so much but I have to be true to myself... I don't know what to do

 

Hm, I would say follow your gut. Because most times, your gut knows whats best for YOU. And chances are, you are much much more likely to not regret that decision.

[VertexSquared]

I am going to kick myself for this, but I forgave her.

 

I told her that if she's serious about this, she needs to send a message to the ex saying it's not a good idea to meet up -- and she needs to send a screen capture of it to me as a gesture of good faith that she's going to be serious about keeping her word from now on.

 

I really, really hope I am not making the same mistake twice. My first breakup with my first ex was over a similar thing (I caught her in a lie, forgave her, then she lied again and we split once everything blew up).

[threebyfate]

Can't see the future Vertex but I think you will kick yourself in the future, if not soon, maybe years later.

 

I honestly hope I'm wrong.

[phineas]

WHAT?! You forGAVE her?!

 

You forgiving her puts you back in square one. Only this time she knows that you know something's up. And now she's gonna be more sneaky about her slithering ways.

 

Yep.

I caught my wife lieing about another guy she knew.

Guess what?

She's now my ex-wife & living with that guy.

 

I called the dude from her phone, told him who I was & told him to leave my wife & family alone.

She told me it was all over.

She lied.

She just went & contacted right after & told him she wanted to be with him.

She moved out that day.

 

I honestly think the Op's GF is just going to only use her computer for facebook.

She'll change her password ect.

 

She will lock him out & refuse transparency.

She will probably walk all over him now that she knows all she has to do is shed some tears & he'll cave.

[VertexSquared]

I hate when sh** like this happens. I say always listen to your sixth sense. Its usually right.

 

Hey, should could have been truthful. I love how some girls love trying to blame shift. Classic.

 

Now, she'll just be more careful next time she deceives you.

 

This is what I told her. "How do I know that you aren't just going to be more careful about trying to deceive me? Maybe next time you just won't tell me anything altogether." etc

[Distant78]

WHAT?! You forGAVE her?!

 

You forgiving her puts you back in square one. Only this time she knows that you know something's up. And now she's gonna be more sneaky about her slithering ways.

 

Exactly. Please OP, you said yourself you made the same mistake with your ex lover. Don't make the same mistake with this one because it's going to produce the same result with your ex. You cannot forgive her this fast because that's being a pushover. You're playing right into her trap and you're letting her know she can control you. You should've never gave into her tears. You must put a stop to this. As other's said (and what you said about your ex), your current "girlfriend" will just be more sneaky and deceptive around you as time passes by, if you stay with her. She needs to face her consequences. Call her up right now and tell her it's still over, and that she needs to get a life before you get hurt by her again.

[Distant78]

Yep.

I caught my wife lieing about another guy she knew.

Guess what?

She's now my ex-wife & living with that guy.

 

I called the dude from her phone, told him who I was & told him to leave my wife & family alone.

She told me it was all over.

She lied.

She just went & contacted right after & told him she wanted to be with him.

She moved out that day.

 

I honestly think the Op's GF is just going to only use her computer for facebook.

She'll change her password ect.

 

She will lock him out & refuse transparency.

She will probably walk all over him now that she knows all she has to do is shed some tears & he'll cave.

 

You dam right. I was sitting at work today when I was hearing one of my female co-workers talking about how her boyfriend, who previously cheated on her, locked her out of his Facebook account. It happens everytime with these cheaters who have social-networking accounts.

[xpaperxcutx]

+1 for you actually figuring it out quickly and following your intuitions

 

couple of takeaways from everything ive read.

 

1.) Her telling you about this is her basically admitting her guilt (or depending how far you want to go with this) sub consciously either telling you ahead of time shes thinking bout messing around or something about your relationship is not right.

 

2.) Could you imagine if the roles were reversed how would she feel,, yeah i bet shed throw a big ol temper tantrum and get really suspicious.

 

xPAPERCUTZx said

 

 

 

 

3.) Bro hack away at that facebook account,, look admittedly im a little older than some not all thats for sure.. Im down with technology and stuff but what the hell is a facebook page for its to be viewed its public info.. Id never say look in someones phone or anything but if people including your girlfriend are dumb enough to post their private business online for the whole world to see screw um... Its just plain stupid,, I dont care what society says,, facebook this myspace that idiotic... And if you are in a commited relationship can you not visit her page whenever you want???

 

 

4.) Its not whether she wants to meet him or whether shes secretly thinking bout cheating its simply a matter of respect and her lack thereof simply putting you in this situation

 

 

tread carefully...

 

 

If he has to hack into her account to read the conversation then obviously it is not public. That's what I'm trying to say. Yes, if he has his suspicions he has a right to accuse her, but hacking into her account is pretty much like hacking into her phone. This doesn't make him any better than her.

 

Also OP, I took into account the time the two of you are together so if anything, you might want to avoid the passive aggressive way out of avoiding her and just lay everything out on the table. If you're going to forgive her, tell her that she's pretty much on probationary period until you can fully trust her again.

Edited December 2, 2010 by xpaperxcutx

[Cracker Jack]

This is what I told her. "How do I know that you aren't just going to be more careful about trying to deceive me? Maybe next time you just won't tell me anything altogether." etc

 

That's most likely what she would (Or wouldn't) do next time.

 

I dunno. Just seems like you let her off too easily. Sounded like you really weren't going to put up with it anymore, but eh...easier said than done, I suppose. I just hope you don't end up regretting this.

[Engadget]

Confront her, this isn't good. Pretty much the same thing happened to my ex and she was cheating on me. She had a history of lying and she was acting shady so I looked at her phone and I was right.

 

In contrast I told my current girlfriend my ex wanted to meet for coffee because she was moving and we had to discuss what was going to happen with our pets. My girlfriend was bothered, and I ended up not going but I was honest.

[Nukulus]

I'm more of a lurker than a poster on these boards...

 

But Vertex, I for one think you did the right thing in forgiving her.

 

However I say this... You should forgive, but don't forget. Now you know what to look out for, have removed her from this pedestal you had her on (the I don't do enough to deserve my GF thread) and can move forward---while being somewhat skeptical.

 

Positives in why I think why you two will probably be able to work through this:

 

1. Nothing happened. She didn't cheat, and it wasn't ever clear whether this really was just catching up.

2. In your postings of her messages where you reworded stuff but kept the same spirit; she mentioned having a boyfriend to him and he genuinely appeared to just be friendly. i.e. wasn't pushing for a specific date-maybe before the end of the year or maybe sometime next year. No urgency on his part.

3. In my experience when a girl is talking to a guy and mentions a boyfriend, especially when she doesn't have to, she is not-so-subtely letting said guy know that she is unavailable.

4. When you confronted her she did lie again, however, when you told her that you had already saw her messages to the guy she caved. People in my experience who are guillty of something will get defensive... I would have expected her to start giving you **** about snooping if she had any ulterior motives with the guy.

 

So I think you made the right decision by bringing it up. Letting it stew would be unhealthy. So forgive, but don't forget. Move on from this and see where it goes. 7.5 months is too much to throw away on something like this... especially if you are in love with the girl!

 

Good Luck!!!!

[TooAccepting32]

I haven't read through all the posts, so I might be repeating what others have said.

I would stop seeing her period. Whether she contacted him first or not, what her frame of mind was blah blah blah we don't know.

 

The facts are :

-that she is in contact with an ex and that's not acceptable to you. It would be a DEALBREAKER for me. I get to decide that cuz it's my life and so do you.

-she invited him out - also unacceptable DEALBREAKER

-lied about her level of interest in the contact - DEALBREAKER. a lie is a lie. She can't be trusted.

-she sounds like she has unresolved issues with him - another DEALBREAKER.

 

Someone could come along and say... oh but we don't know this .. and we don't know that. We don't need to know. It's not your fault that she has chosen suspicious behaviour that pushes boundaries of trust. It's her problem and if anyone is going to pay for it, it should be her not you.. You're job is to respect yourself and be responsible with your choices. She's not looking like a responsible choice. Too bad for her luck. If I were you I would make an exit and I wouldn't look back.

[LuckyClover]

You're fine... You forgave her, good for you. You're the better person... Trust will continue to be an issue but it's still possible for things to work out, even make you stronger. If not, well.. what difference is it then if everything is over now or later. You love her... you're good, just love her. Don't play games.. tell her how you feel and if she doesn't like it, move on... It's that simple.

[hART]

This is a clear disregard for your feelings. Do end it if she goes, you deserve better.

[Crazy Magnet]

Aw hun! I hate to hear that this has happened. I have been so excited for you since the day you met her.

 

I wish I could say if I were you I could dump my SO and walk away but I know I can't do that. I will always give them one more shot, just as you have done. What gets to me is the fact that she sent you an edited conversation and tried to pass it off as the real thing. She KNOWS what she has done is wrong otherwise she would have sent the entire thing unedited.

 

Like TBF I think you'll be kicking yourself later. She's a smart girl and knew exactly what she was doing with this guy or else she wouldn't have edited the way things went down.

 

Some people realize how inappropriate they are being (my BF and his ex is one such situation) and they will straighten their act up and NEVER do anything like this again. My BF forwards me any and all contact from this ex. I know he doesn't edit anything out b/c I have his password and I can check myself. Some people continue to try to cover their tracks and the relationship is doomed. I hope your GF is in the former category. I think it will be best for her to NEVER have contact with him again.

 

I would go so far as to make her block him from facebook and other sources of communication. But then I'm crazy, so take that with a grain of salt.

[Star Gazer]

As usual, I'm going to play devil's advocate here.

 

What YOU did, Vertex, was wrong. Very, very wrong. You betrayed her privacy. Sure, your spidey sense was that something was up with the version of the conversation she told you, but so what? You honestly had no reasonable cause to invade her privacy and hack into her FB account. She's never given you any reason not to trust her.

 

And what you did find from the transcript you posted was HARMLESS! Yes, what you read contradicts what she told you about the conversation, but read alone, there was nothing wrong with that exchange. Most notably, she told him about you, and she told him she spends half of her time staying with you! She's dropping the "I have a BF line" (code for "I am not available to date!") left and right. If she was interested at all in him, you wouldn't even be brought up in the conversation. She's not flirting. Her suggestion of getting together for a drink? Reads like old friends meeting up to me. I can't tell you how many people I've caught up with via FB and have made the same exact suggestion - including guys I dated. It was all innocent.

 

Of course I'll be flamed and called a doormat or something by a select group of posters, but I really don't care. I think in hacking her FB, you opened a huge can of worms, and honestly, your relationship is now destroyed forever. And not because of her darn FB exchanges.

 

Another thing for you to consider: People have unresolved feelings for exes ALL THE TIME. It doesn't make them the devil, it doesn't mean they're going to cheat or do you wrong. Some people like to maintain friendly contact with their exes, regardless of who ended the relationship. Some people take action to close the door on those feelings, and resolve them.

 

Ever think that maybe she was seeking emotional closure? Or testing her feelings? Such as, "I'll see how I feel when I see him. If I feel nothing, I'll be so relieved. If I feel something, I'll have to re-evaluate." Shouldn't she be allowed the mental and emotional privacy to deal with that on her own? That you didn't trust her enough to have her own thoughts and emotions speaks more about you than it does her.

 

Can you imagine if your girlfriend had the ability to read your mind? Do you think she'd appreciate every thought you've ever had? Whether it be noticing an attractive woman and recognizing she has a better rack? Or thinking about how you preferred an ex-girlfriend's blow-jobs to hers? Or whatever? Your thoughts are sacred and should remain inviolate, the same way her FB should remain private.

 

Truth is, if she was a cheater, she would have cheated...regardless of whether you caught her. But now? You'll never know, and all she knows is she has a BF that doesn't trust her.

 

And finally, folks should be allowed to remain friendly with exes without being strung up for persecution.

[Ruby Slippers]

I want to be surprised that he caved so easily, but I'm not, because I know Vertex well enough just from what he writes here.

 

She instigated plans to meet an ex for a drink, then lied to you about it, and only came clean when she was caught.

 

Just don't forget that.

 

Forgive if you like, but don't forget.