havehope Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I haven't had a relationship since him but he definitely has. Don't know why he's reaching out now and apologizing, wanting to start again. We've been friends since... so us talking is not out of the blue I almost want to say no... but I still care about him and I really haven't had any dating luck with anyone else but him. I still miss waking up with him. I feel like people close to me would judge me if they knew I was considering it, so I thought i'd come here first. Do cheaters really learn / change over the years? any personal experiences with reconciling cheaters?
Lemontang Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Some do but sadly most don't. As the saying goes once a cheater always a cheater. But that really comes down to the person, some may stray once and once only to escape an issue then realise what it is they have and work harder at keeping the relationship. But once they do cross that line is easier to justify doing it again and again for them etc... I've been on the end of this with an ex who cheated once, we decided to work through it only to have her go off and cheat repeatedly again and again with randoms. So once bitten twice shy I say.
cerridwen Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I dated a cheater and could never establish the necessary trust one needs in a relationship. Mine was a serial cheater whose history I didn't know about until it was too late. So, I have some questions: How long has it been since he cheated? Was it one time only? Does he own up to it and feels it was REALLY a rotten thing? Is he committed to not doing it again because he grasps it such a big deal?
paleblue Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Im sure some learn but more likely than not i am inclined to think if they disrespected you once, they will just do it again eventually. i guess they would really have to work at it for me to feel good. and even then i would be cautious letting my guard down completely, even after years. because if it does happen, thats when it will probably happen, years later. that's what im thinking. im almost wondering if you are over it because you referred to him simply as "cheater".
aerogurl87 Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Some people (like me) cheat once and never do it again. Then others (like my ex) cheat multiple times and never own up to their actions. I'd say don't get back with him. It's hard to rebuild trust when it's been broken in such a profound way as a partner cheating on their significant other. I'm just telling you from experience as I cheated on my ex, and the five months we spent together afterward weren't even worth it. We both got hurt in the end. So save yourself some hurt, time, and dignity and close this chapter for good.
Don_da_Ho Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Sorry Hope, I think you need to focus on finding a new guy. I think very, very few cheaters never cheat again. I think you either have cheating in you or you don't. My good friend has cheated on all of his wives and is now cheating again. That's just his nature. I'm just not a cheater. It's not my style. I think you would be taking a huge risk if you got re-involved with your Ex. It's very likely he will either dump your or cheat on you again. Either way, it sounds like a bunch of misery for you down the road.
Author havehope Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 (edited) I truly appreciate all of you reading and taking time to respond. I take your advice to heart, because I know you can relate better than my friends and you've been there before. cerridwen: background info: When we were still "talking" and not officially dating he hooked up with this girl I worked with, who knew we were talking. We started dating and Then nothing happened for years. But near the end, it happened more than once with her but he confessed all the times randomly out of the blue one morning when we were laying in bed. Because he felt bad. (but not bad enough to try and fix it at the time I guess because we went our separate ways and he started dating soon after). I dont know his track record of faithfulness to his other girlfriends after me, as to whether or not he learned. So now comes all the apologies I've waited for for 1.5years. I wanted the apologies then, because I would have felt like he thought I was worth fighting for. Am I too picky with the apology timing? Should I just be happy I got an apology? Brownie points for confessing? I'm just contemplating it because we had talked about marriage, picked out rings, and I can't see myself with anyone else because thats what I was set on. I'm taking the time to see if its real this time or out of desperation. I wish I could just date someone and be happy with them like I was with him, bc thats what my head is telling me. I haven't found someone I can spend time with and be happy with like him - I just don't want to overthink it and be like "that must mean SOMETHING" Paleblue: I wish I was. Logically I should be, which is probably why I referred to him as that. I know there must be guys out there who have the same views as faithfulness as I do. - h Edited December 4, 2010 by havehope
cerridwen Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 cerridwen: ... But near the end, it happened more than once with her but he confessed all the times randomly out of the blue one morning when we were laying in bed. Because he felt bad. (but not bad enough to try and fix it at the time I guess because we went our separate ways and he started dating soon after)... ...So now comes all the apologies I've waited for for 1.5years. I wanted the apologies then, because I would have felt like he thought I was worth fighting for. Am I too picky with the apology timing? Should I just be happy I got an apology? Brownie points for confessing?.. ...I know there must be guys out there who have the same views as faithfulness as I do. - h Hi H, I think being cheated on by someone we love, is one of the most difficult things to endure. Even when one is able to forgive it's like something inside us closes off to that person. We may still have deep feelings, but that love we carry has been altered and a part of our heart closes off. The love we feel just isn't quite the same and it comes bundled with a sense of being devalued. You deserve more. You're not too picky about the timing of the apology. You SHOULD have standards and expectations for how someone treats you and you SHOULD honor your feelings. So, if you feel it's come too late, it has. You are not being unreasonable. You can give him brownie points for confessing. Does that mean he's a good guy? That he's an honorable guy? He went back to that girl more than once. He CHOSE that behavior repeatedly and he chose to dismiss you for his own selfishness pleasure. Don't overlook that to the point that his confession eclipses it. It's extremely self-centered behavior. Havehope, guys ARE out there who have the same views on faithfulness as you do. Guaranteed. There are guys who have been cheated on and know first hand the hurt you're experiencing. There are good guys it's happened to who swear never to do that to someone else. They're out there. Have hope?
BellaBellaBella Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 how old when you all were togather and how old are you now. There is a web site called marriagebuilders that teaches how to affair proof a relationship. If he is willing to go through that you could possibly be togather.
carhill Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 I think it would be healthy for you to have a satisfying relationship in your life. As of yet, you have no healthy comparison to gauge the unhealthiness of the past experience with your ex. Move on emotionally first, gain a balanced perspective and then, perhaps in the distant future, if single, entertain his enlightened and more mature self.
Author havehope Posted December 5, 2010 Author Posted December 5, 2010 Cerridwen: yes! I have hope for that. Thats partially what my username stands for - have hope that its gunna get better, have hope we can make it through this. Have hope there is someone out there for me. Its not a "havehope" as in to cling to the past. And I suppose thats what I'm doing. I need to refocus my hope to having hope in finding a faithful guy bella: we were younger... late teens... so now were early 20sish carhill: you have a great point - I really don't have anything to compare him to relationship wise. thanks Thanks also Don, Aero, Paleblue, Lemontang
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