is there any hope?

[brickhouse]

I created a new account to specifically post my story. Sorry if it's a bit long winded but this has been on my chest for over a year...

 

My wife had a year long affair that I discovered 14 months ago. The details are worse than anyone can imagine - basically, she met a much younger man at work and began sleeping with him almost immediately. She would lie about having to work late and ask me to relieve the sitter, then not come home until the morning claiming she went out after work with her coworkers and stayed at her girlfriend's house because she drank too much. That happened probably 4-5 times in a 6 month period. I had many similar clues along the way but dismissed them all because she made me feel very secure in our marriage.

 

Our sex life was great and she always said "I love you" at the end of each conversation. Left love notes around the house, in my car, etc so there was no reason (so I thought) to feel that something might be going on. We were only 4 years into the marriage and already had 3 kids, a beautiful home, nice car, money in the bank, etc. I only mention that because she would always say how "lucky we are" to have such a blessed life with beautiful children and everything that we always wished for.

 

Eventually they were both fired from the company for unrelated reasons (he lied to the company which resulted in it being hit with a heavy state-imposed fine; she was a victim of cost reduction), but they still carried on daily mostly meeting at his apartment. I found out she would leave the house with the kids just after I left for work and spend the day with him in a run down city apartment while my kids (all under 3) roamed around, scribbling on walls and watching tv. Eventually the sneaking around came to a head one friday and she took the kids and disappeared for the weekend not telling me where she was going. She has no family in the area and her friends were unable to put her and my 3 kids up for two nights so I was frantically calling her, her friends and family trying to find out where she was and if the kids were ok. Of course I got no answer from her and no help from friends and family.

 

Finally I got a call late Sunday night from the police saying she had been in a car accident 45 minutes away from our home. Thank God nobody was hurt but the car was not drivable and I needed to come pick them all up. When I got there she was obviously impared (she became addicted to pain meds and anti depressants) and somehow managed to smash into multiple parked cars. The police took me aside and told me there had been another man with her in the passenger seat of the car but he left on foot and they had no reason to hold him. I confronted her and she admitted to the affair. I was devastated and wanted to wrap my hands around both of their necks but my attention immediately turned to my poor kids who had a look of relief on their faces to see me. I swept them up and left her with the wreckage, eventually finding out she stayed with him another two days.

 

I don't know why I didn't file immediately; I consulted an attorney who advised me that it was in my best interest, financially speaking, to try to work it out with her. I make a good living, she is unemployed and there are (now) 4 mouths to give child support to - yes, shortly thereafter she found out she was pregnant. We had two separate paternity tests done and both concluded I am the dad. So, my options were: A) stay together and enjoy the confines of my comfortable home, see my kids every day and try to lead as normal a life as possible or, B) split up, lose the house (zero equity), see my kids on weekends while gaining a host of bills that would guarantee a major reduction in all of our quality of lives. Tough choice.

 

After months of arguing she FINALLY broke it off with him. She eventually found out (after some detective work on my part) what a snake this guy was - criminal history, shady business dealings, no driver's license (she says she didn't know about that and always let him drive her and my kids around...in MY car no less). I'm a very strong willed guy and the fact that I put up with that stuff amazes everyone who knows me. My entire family told me to leave as did all of our mutual friends (coincidentally, HER family blamed me for it all...go figure). I'll never know the scars that my kids may have taken away from that experience and wonder what kind of message I am sending them when they eventually grow older and will undoubtedly learn about this situation. I should point out that this is her second marriage, and yes, the first one ended as a result of her cheating on him.

 

As I type this I find that I've probably answered my own question. I have no feelings for her...much less any love...other than a few sentimental memories. We do not sleep in the same bed, I stopped wearing my ring when I found out about it and we don't kiss nor do I say I love you. She swears she loves me "with all her heart" and would be devastated if I left, although she wouldn't blame me. She says she has a lot of remorse but that's just not enough. I am constantly questioning her every move and do not believe a word she tells me. I've caught her in so many lies (after swearing on the lives of our children each time...) that any hope of trust for her is gone for good. Basically, I'm there for the kids and the comfort of our lifestyle.

 

My only thought is; does anyone think time might eventually heal this incredible wound?

[Spark1111]

Not without a heck of a lot more work, brick.

 

Are you in IC (individual counseling)? or MC (marriage counseling)? Is SHE?

 

What consequences did she face as a result of her affair? What changes did she and you make to ensure this never happens again? What boundaries were put in place to safeguard the marriage and it's future?

 

How remorseful is she? Does she know why this happened?

 

You sound like a nice guy...a very responsible guy....maybe it's time to stop being so responsible and let her pick up some of the slack..do some more of the heavy emotional lifting, sort a speak.

 

Plus, do you still LOVE her? Because if not, you'd be better off divorcing I think.

 

Time DOES NOT HEAL all wounds...It is what you do with that time that matters.

[brickhouse]

Thanks for the reply spark1111.

 

We did attempt MC which lasted for 4 or 5 sessions. She felt like she was being "ganged up on" by the therapist and I, which couldn't have been further from the truth. I tried telling her that there was no way to avoid the facts and he had to know them all if there was any chance for him to try to help us. In that regard, I always made a point of remaining calm and even toned when going over details so as not to make her feel like she was being attacked. To his credit, the therapist tried to reassure her that his role was not to take sides but to provide us with the tools to help ourselves. Unfortunately, we eventually stopped going because she wanted no more part of it. I didn't completely disagree with her because, even though he helped me in some small part, the bigger (albeit unrealistic) question was "how do you help me fall back in love with my wife?"...to which he obviously had no answers.

 

As for changes and boundaries...physically, I insisted that she throw away his house key, changed all of our locks, phone numbers, etc and have NO contact with him. I insisted on knowing if there was any contact whatsoever and she did tell me about one instance when he left a voice mail on her new number. She offered to change the number again (and did) but I wouldn't be surprised if he somehow got the new one too.

 

She blames the affair on her "bad judgment" which was due to her prescription drug addiction and swears it will never happen again. She completed a pretty intense 90 day outpatient program (3-4 nights per week) plus went to a few AA meetings.

 

Unfortunately, she relapsed a few months ago as I found new prescriptions that she hid from me. I insisted that she get rid of them and threatened to drop her from my health insurance plan if it happened again; she was very remorseful and I reminded her that that was the reason she gave me for the affair and I chose to believe it. I made sure she knew that I was not willing to go down that road again.

 

No, I do not love her, at least not in the traditional sense. I respect the hard work she has since put into getting "well" and becoming a better mother but the love, trust, passion and admiration that so may other couples have, is gone.

 

I'm in my early 40's and the thought of starting over now is not appealing at all. I worked hard to get where I am in life and a divorce will take us all 10 steps back as a family, financially speaking. I'm beginning to think my best years are behind me and that I must be a good dad for my kids and sacrifice my personal happiness by staying in an emotionally unfulfilling marriage for their benefit. I fear that left on her own, those kids will suffer a great deal in their quality of life, and potential for eventual success.

 

Basically, I'm sticking around for the kids and hoping for a miracle.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

Your story is so sad. She is as black hearted as they come. If it was not for the accident she would still be screwing him. She put your children at risk and totally humiliated and disrespected you in the worst possible way. I do hope you got checked for STD's. She had no problem in engaging in unprotected sex with this scumbag and putting your health at risk. In addition, she was a drug addict. She claims it was medication and bad judgment?...Oh please. Do you honestly think if the roles were reversed that she would have put up with this?

 

It is difficult to imagine how you could ever feel proud to have her as your wife. What did she expect to happen when she engaged in this behavior for a year? I do not know how you can not be repulsed by her. My friend being in your 40's is still young. It saddens me that you plan to spend the rest of your life with someone who has shown disrespect and engaged in such humiliation to you and your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I understand your reasons for staying for the children but she seems to come away without any consequences. She destroys you, she destroys your marriage and put your children in harms way and she gets to live her live as usual. I am sorry but you do not deserve this. She is prone to cheating and to abuse in drugs. The chances are great that down the line this behavior will occur again. I feel so sorry for you that she did not even care if she got pregnant by that scumbag. How do you not go crazy?

[gkaplan000]

That's a tough one. There would be no way to ever trust her again and without trust there is no marriage. If I were you I would try to live together for the kids and if that doesn't work you should get full custody of your kids. Your kids shouldn't have to suffer because your wife feels the need to whore around town. (sorry for the whore part)

[Distant78]

Yea, it is kind of sad this dude is deciding to basically give up every single ounce of his self-respect to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about him or the kids. Willing to stay in a relationship with someone who is vulnerable to drugs and cheating, and is highly irresponsible. I too understand that you're doing it for the kids but the kids won't be there forever, and staying won't keep your own wife from cheating on you again, then eventually taking you to the cleaners. The kids will sense the tension in the house and will become frustrated too. Please divorce her for the sake of your own sanity. You sound like a guy that is too nice to let some steam off. Release some of that anger that you have inside you towards your wife. Not beating her to a pulp but letting her know you won't tolerate her slutty persona because if you don't, she'll continue to walk all over you. All betrayed spouses have it so we know that you know you do. You can't just give up because you got kicked down by someone.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Thanks for the reply spark1111.

 

We did attempt MC which lasted for 4 or 5 sessions. She felt like she was being "ganged up on" by the therapist and I, which couldn't have been further from the truth. I tried telling her that there was no way to avoid the facts and he had to know them all if there was any chance for him to try to help us. In that regard, I always made a point of remaining calm and even toned when going over details so as not to make her feel like she was being attacked. To his credit, the therapist tried to reassure her that his role was not to take sides but to provide us with the tools to help ourselves. Unfortunately, we eventually stopped going because she wanted no more part of it. I didn't completely disagree with her because, even though he helped me in some small part, the bigger (albeit unrealistic) question was "how do you help me fall back in love with my wife?"...to which he obviously had no answers.

 

As for changes and boundaries...physically, I insisted that she throw away his house key, changed all of our locks, phone numbers, etc and have NO contact with him. I insisted on knowing if there was any contact whatsoever and she did tell me about one instance when he left a voice mail on her new number. She offered to change the number again (and did) but I wouldn't be surprised if he somehow got the new one too.

 

She blames the affair on her "bad judgment" which was due to her prescription drug addiction and swears it will never happen again. She completed a pretty intense 90 day outpatient program (3-4 nights per week) plus went to a few AA meetings.

 

Unfortunately, she relapsed a few months ago as I found new prescriptions that she hid from me. I insisted that she get rid of them and threatened to drop her from my health insurance plan if it happened again; she was very remorseful and I reminded her that that was the reason she gave me for the affair and I chose to believe it. I made sure she knew that I was not willing to go down that road again.

 

No, I do not love her, at least not in the traditional sense. I respect the hard work she has since put into getting "well" and becoming a better mother but the love, trust, passion and admiration that so may other couples have, is gone.

 

I'm in my early 40's and the thought of starting over now is not appealing at all. I worked hard to get where I am in life and a divorce will take us all 10 steps back as a family, financially speaking. I'm beginning to think my best years are behind me and that I must be a good dad for my kids and sacrifice my personal happiness by staying in an emotionally unfulfilling marriage for their benefit. I fear that left on her own, those kids will suffer a great deal in their quality of life, and potential for eventual success.

 

Basically, I'm sticking around for the kids and hoping for a miracle.

 

 

I would say after reading this...there certainly doesnt seem to be much hope left! Unfortunately...you do NOT love her...shes addicted to prescription drugs and hides that from you...cheated on you and threw your kids into that mess and doesnt really think theres anything wrong with everything she has brought on to your family. Sheesh I really feel so bad for you and your kids.

 

I think living with her is only going to affect your children more negatively in the long run. As much as it would probably kill you to leave them with this so called mother..you only have one life to live! I say live it up...maybe try to get custody of your poor children..and be happy again!

[FryFish]

My only thought is; does anyone think time might eventually heal this incredible wound?

No... She is a totally bad person...

[Graceful]

Brick,

People like your wife (soon to be ex from what I can see) think they can create that kind of havoc, self-indulge, lie, cheat and deceive, put their children in dangerous situations, and then, when then when the house of cards they have built falls apart, turn around, profess love to the person they have betrayed more than anyone in the world, and be forgiven, be accepted, and be loved again? NO, they cannot.

 

You are only in your early 40's, you have another chapter of your life ahead of you, you cannot rob yourself of your sanity, peace of mind and live your life with a destructive, disrespectful person who took your trust and betrayed it. Does not work, never will. Do not ruin your life, just b/c she ruined her's.

 

You need a good attorney to figure out your options and do not do anything to jeopardize your custody issues with your kids until you know more. Frankly, you may want to fight to have them live with you, your wife has endangered them!! That alone would infuriate most people, forget what she has done to you, she has put your children at risk.

 

You will be living a lie if you stay with her. Please do not do that. This is one of life's toughest knocks and you did not bargain for it, but you did nothing wrong, she snapped, and then all of her lies snowballed and she crashed. You cannot ever go back to what you once were, and I fear for you that she would pull the same thing or start trolling online for attention. She cannot be trusted and you deserve more.

 

Do not short change yourself. You get one life, do not settle for a sham of a marriage to someone you have fallen out of love with with the hope things can ever be the same. Sometimes you have to accept your losses, deal with them, grieve and you will be surprised how you will feel relief when you have a drama free life, even if it comes at a cost. You can't live this way. Good luck. So, so sorry to see what happened, you did nothing wrong, don't be a fool.

[pureinheart]

I created a new account to specifically post my story. Sorry if it's a bit long winded but this has been on my chest for over a year...

 

My wife had a year long affair that I discovered 14 months ago. The details are worse than anyone can imagine - basically, she met a much younger man at work and began sleeping with him almost immediately. She would lie about having to work late and ask me to relieve the sitter, then not come home until the morning claiming she went out after work with her coworkers and stayed at her girlfriend's house because she drank too much. That happened probably 4-5 times in a 6 month period. I had many similar clues along the way but dismissed them all because she made me feel very secure in our marriage.

 

Our sex life was great and she always said "I love you" at the end of each conversation. Left love notes around the house, in my car, etc so there was no reason (so I thought) to feel that something might be going on. We were only 4 years into the marriage and already had 3 kids, a beautiful home, nice car, money in the bank, etc. I only mention that because she would always say how "lucky we are" to have such a blessed life with beautiful children and everything that we always wished for.

 

Eventually they were both fired from the company for unrelated reasons (he lied to the company which resulted in it being hit with a heavy state-imposed fine; she was a victim of cost reduction), but they still carried on daily mostly meeting at his apartment. I found out she would leave the house with the kids just after I left for work and spend the day with him in a run down city apartment while my kids (all under 3) roamed around, scribbling on walls and watching tv. Eventually the sneaking around came to a head one friday and she took the kids and disappeared for the weekend not telling me where she was going. She has no family in the area and her friends were unable to put her and my 3 kids up for two nights so I was frantically calling her, her friends and family trying to find out where she was and if the kids were ok. Of course I got no answer from her and no help from friends and family.

 

Finally I got a call late Sunday night from the police saying she had been in a car accident 45 minutes away from our home. Thank God nobody was hurt but the car was not drivable and I needed to come pick them all up. When I got there she was obviously impared (she became addicted to pain meds and anti depressants) and somehow managed to smash into multiple parked cars. The police took me aside and told me there had been another man with her in the passenger seat of the car but he left on foot and they had no reason to hold him. I confronted her and she admitted to the affair. I was devastated and wanted to wrap my hands around both of their necks but my attention immediately turned to my poor kids who had a look of relief on their faces to see me. I swept them up and left her with the wreckage, eventually finding out she stayed with him another two days.

 

I don't know why I didn't file immediately; I consulted an attorney who advised me that it was in my best interest, financially speaking, to try to work it out with her. I make a good living, she is unemployed and there are (now) 4 mouths to give child support to - yes, shortly thereafter she found out she was pregnant. We had two separate paternity tests done and both concluded I am the dad. So, my options were: A) stay together and enjoy the confines of my comfortable home, see my kids every day and try to lead as normal a life as possible or, B) split up, lose the house (zero equity), see my kids on weekends while gaining a host of bills that would guarantee a major reduction in all of our quality of lives. Tough choice.

 

After months of arguing she FINALLY broke it off with him. She eventually found out (after some detective work on my part) what a snake this guy was - criminal history, shady business dealings, no driver's license (she says she didn't know about that and always let him drive her and my kids around...in MY car no less). I'm a very strong willed guy and the fact that I put up with that stuff amazes everyone who knows me. My entire family told me to leave as did all of our mutual friends (coincidentally, HER family blamed me for it all...go figure). I'll never know the scars that my kids may have taken away from that experience and wonder what kind of message I am sending them when they eventually grow older and will undoubtedly learn about this situation. I should point out that this is her second marriage, and yes, the first one ended as a result of her cheating on him.

 

As I type this I find that I've probably answered my own question. I have no feelings for her...much less any love...other than a few sentimental memories. We do not sleep in the same bed, I stopped wearing my ring when I found out about it and we don't kiss nor do I say I love you. She swears she loves me "with all her heart" and would be devastated if I left, although she wouldn't blame me. She says she has a lot of remorse but that's just not enough. I am constantly questioning her every move and do not believe a word she tells me. I've caught her in so many lies (after swearing on the lives of our children each time...) that any hope of trust for her is gone for good. Basically, I'm there for the kids and the comfort of our lifestyle.

 

My only thought is; does anyone think time might eventually heal this incredible wound?

 

I don't know what to say and am extremely unnerved as (Bold) your kids were BABIES!!!!!!!!!!! Unattended kids (at least that's what it sounds like) 1,2 and 3... WTF??????? Kids that age get into EVERYTHING, mainly things that can hurt them. OMG.

 

Then she runs into parked cars??????? I am assuming the kids were in the car....and she was so high she ran into parked cars???????.

 

Home chick here would have freaked out on my H. I think he would be off this earth....one main rule...don't mess with my kids (or grandkids) as home chick will freak out.

[SeekingEnlightenment]

Brick, this honestly goes way beyond your wife cheating on you. She is a full blown ADDICT. Addicts lie. And when they stop using, if they dont get any real help and/or attend 12 step and therapy, they are simply not using, but all of the behaviors are still present. The fact that she has been driving your precious babies around HIGH for however long should freak you out. The fact that she took off with your children for the weekend and you had no idea, is totally f-ed up.

The cheating is the least of it! And all part of the same addictive, lying, cheating behavior. Also, she really has no desire to go to therapy or 12 step or to get better. even if she did, the recovery rate is extremely poor. In the meantime, you have three children and apparently one on the way to protect. From what I understood from your post, she is currently pregnant with your child and she has also relapsed? If this is the case, this is reportable and your unborn child is in danger. Either way, if she is actively using she is not a stable caregiver for your three kids while you are at work. would you even hire someone with this history to babysit your kids?

 

I really really feel for you. You sound like an awesome man and you deserve better, so do your kids. Please take steps to make sure your kids stay safe. I dont often say this,as I believe there can be great hope for healing a marriage after an affair, but in this case, you are dealing with a life long problem here. You are still young and starting over now will be much better for you in the long run then what she will most likely put you and the children through in the future.

Please talk with your lawyer about how to make sure that she is SOBER if you decide to divorce and she has full or joint custody. Quite honestly, until she proves that she can stay clean and sober for at least a year, she should not have custody. I know I sound harsh, but I do know what I am talking about here. I have seen it all too often. In this case, the children have a caring and able Dad and its your job to protect them and make sure they are safe. You are all very lucky that the children were fine after her car wreck. If you simply go along with the situation as it is, you will get more of the same behavior and your kids will be the ones who suffer.

[Distant78]

Brick, this honestly goes way beyond your wife cheating on you. She is a full blown ADDICT. Addicts lie. And when they stop using, if they dont get any real help and/or attend 12 step and therapy, they are simply not using, but all of the behaviors are still present. The fact that she has been driving your precious babies around HIGH for however long should freak you out. The fact that she took off with your children for the weekend and you had no idea, is totally f-ed up.

The cheating is the least of it! And all part of the same addictive, lying, cheating behavior. Also, she really has no desire to go to therapy or 12 step or to get better. even if she did, the recovery rate is extremely poor. In the meantime, you have three children and apparently one on the way to protect. From what I understood from your post, she is currently pregnant with your child and she has also relapsed? If this is the case, this is reportable and your unborn child is in danger. Either way, if she is actively using she is not a stable caregiver for your three kids while you are at work. would you even hire someone with this history to babysit your kids?

 

I really really feel for you. You sound like an awesome man and you deserve better, so do your kids. Please take steps to make sure your kids stay safe. I dont often say this,as I believe there can be great hope for healing a marriage after an affair, but in this case, you are dealing with a life long problem here. You are still young and starting over now will be much better for you in the long run then what she will most likely put you and the children through in the future.

Please talk with your lawyer about how to make sure that she is SOBER if you decide to divorce and she has full or joint custody. Quite honestly, until she proves that she can stay clean and sober for at least a year, she should not have custody. I know I sound harsh, but I do know what I am talking about here. I have seen it all too often. In this case, the children have a caring and able Dad and its your job to protect them and make sure they are safe. You are all very lucky that the children were fine after her car wreck. If you simply go along with the situation as it is, you will get more of the same behavior and your kids will be the ones who suffer.

 

Totally agree. OP, if you divorce her (which I hope you will) you should find hard evidence for her bahavior (drugs, taking kids without notice, etc), indicating she's irresponsible and not a fit parent for the kids. This would go a long way in getting you closer to getting full custody of those kids so you can take care of them. They should not be around their mother right now. I would be very pissed if I were you and would've had her admitted to the local hospital for psychiatric treatment, and to watch over that unborn kid in her belly. We know you are going through an enomous amount of pain right now. Please don't ignore the danger signs.

[U2RockZz]

i can't say anything on kids front.....but try to plan a strategic exit...

first thing encourage her to get a job....

2) make her sign a post nupital(check with a lawyer)

3) put aside some money for buy out.....

or

and start investing in a business where your wife can't claim a s***....like intellectual property...and more.....best of luck

[goingstrong]

My only thought is; does anyone think time might eventually heal this incredible wound?

 

 

No, 0% chance. Why don't you just treat her like a live in nanny or housekeeper? Carry on with your life and dating and such, but she serves her purpose with kids and an occasional receptacle.

[Spark1111]

Well, there you have it, brick. You already know your answer.

 

You cannot help those who will not help themselves.

 

You cannot have a fully committed, passionate and loving relationship with someone who loves the substances they are addicted to MORE than their partner.

 

She will always feel ganged up on in any counseling because she NEEDS her pain to continue using.

 

Maybe she will change some day, maybe not.

 

You do not love her. You do not respect her. She has not done the heavy lifting neccessary to be a worthy partner.

 

You do not trust her. You cannot trust her with your children. Her affair was a symptom, not a cause. The cause lies deeply rooted in her psyche as she is an addict, and she may always love her drugs and alcohol more than you AND your children.

 

You are young. Your children need you. Make a plan for you and your children and your future. It can be done.

 

There is only one question left and you already know the answer: Are we better off with her? Or without her?

 

Because she may never change, and with each future drug binge, she may be with more men.

 

Aren't you tired of being her daddy? Get moving and find a stable woman who will complement your life and appreciate you and take on some of the responsibility.

[alturrnababe]

Brick-I think in your heart, you know the answers....bide your time, quietly make arrangements for you and those kids, and leave all of it behind. You don't want to try and make things work with her when all the while you will be constantly looking over your shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and yes (agreeing with other posters here) 40 IS still young. You can't be around to babysit her and right her wrongs but you CAN have a good life without her. As lomg as you are around her she will bring you down. I really, really, hope everything goes well for you.

[Darth Vader]

Brick-I think in your heart, you know the answers....bide your time, quietly make arrangements for you and those kids, and leave all of it behind. You don't want to try and make things work with her when all the while you will be constantly looking over your shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and yes (agreeing with other posters here) 40 IS still young. You can't be around to babysit her and right her wrongs but you CAN have a good life without her. As lomg as you are around her she will bring you down. I really, really, hope everything goes well for you.

 

 

Brick, with your wife being a drug addict, you can get Sole Custody! But, you're gonna have to prove it in a Court of Law! Shoot, Dexter should be commenting on this Thread. He knows more about this kind of situation.

 

Anyway, contact a good Lawyer and find out what your rights are! What state do you live in?

[Untouchable_Fire]

Basically, I'm sticking around for the kids and hoping for a miracle.

 

Screw that! She is a freaking ADDICT! Divorce her and go for full custody of the kids, and fight for the marital assets as well.

[SeekingEnlightenment]

No, 0% chance. Why don't you just treat her like a live in nanny or housekeeper? Carry on with your life and dating and such, but she serves her purpose with kids and an occasional receptacle.

 

 

She is not a safe nanny. She is using drugs, drives high with the kids, and obviously leaves them alone (ie when she was with her lover) which is incredibly dangerous from ages 0-3. As a responsible parent, it is your duty to protect those kids. They are literally in danger with their mother when she is high. Not to mention she makes very very poor decisions even when she isnt on something. Additionally, you would be enabling her to continue her drug use and all behaviors if you do nothing. Also, you need to know that if anything does happen to the children while she is high and it comes out that you knew about her abusing drugs, you could be liable as well.

[SeekingEnlightenment]

One more suggestion, since she is pregnant with your child, you need to figure out a way to enforce her being clean at least until the child is born. You dont want this baby born drug addicted or worse. It is horrible.

And no, you cant believe her just telling you that she promises she will. Use staying together as leverage if you have to, but tell her she has to agree to regular drug testing, you will have to check with your doctor to find out which type is best depending on the type of drugs. And dont for a minute think that prescription drugs are ANY less serious than illegal substances, they can cause every bit as much damage in all ways. My guess is that a blood test would be the best, but do your homework on which drug testing option will work. If she does not agree to random testing (along with regularly scheduled) you have a very clear answer.

[Distant78]

I definitely agree with the others. OP, if your cheating, drug-addicted wife gets caught messing around with drugs illegally and you're around her, you can get in trouble also. From what you posted, she's too dangerous to be around, especially those kids. If it were up to me, i'd already be out of that house with the kids.

[Dexter Morgan]

Brick, with your wife being a drug addict, you can get Sole Custody!

 

one of the rare times a father can get custody away from a mother.

 

but it has to be proven. I'd not give the wife any heads up, and ask an attorney what that chances are of getting a drug test. If she fights it, her attorney could stall thinking if she stays clean for a while, it won't show up in blood or urine........so thats why you go for a hair follicle sample.

[goingstrong]

She is not a safe nanny. She is using drugs, drives high with the kids, and obviously leaves them alone (ie when she was with her lover) which is incredibly dangerous from ages 0-3. As a responsible parent, it is your duty to protect those kids. They are literally in danger with their mother when she is high. Not to mention she makes very very poor decisions even when she isnt on something. Additionally, you would be enabling her to continue her drug use and all behaviors if you do nothing. Also, you need to know that if anything does happen to the children while she is high and it comes out that you knew about her abusing drugs, you could be liable as well.

 

I must admit I didn't read the second post about the Rx pill habit. That is an issue, but several things are an uphill battle for him, the first being that is if he goes to court with what he has, he is not going to get full custody. A DUI and an outpatient rehab does not make an unfit parent in the court's eyes...quite the contrary with the rehab...the rest are just allegations by him with no proof...she has to get busted committing Rx fraud or something more significant. Additionally, half the world's parents have some kind of substance abuse issue. Now, I'm not defending her or saying she is a fit parent, but it is easy to give advice for someone to fight for full custody, but quite another issue for them to actually win. Maybe he can keep her around like some crazed relative without having a relationship with her, but I wouldn't fight this battle to prove that she is an unfit parent....I would work with her to keep some kind of control.

[wicar1]

Brick, with your wife being a drug addict, you can get Sole Custody! But, you're gonna have to prove it in a Court of Law! Shoot, Dexter should be commenting on this Thread. He knows more about this kind of situation.

 

Anyway, contact a good Lawyer and find out what your rights are! What state do you live in?

 

Brick,

 

Now knowing the type of person she is, If I were you I would even go far enough to create evidence against her to get sole custody. She is a bad wife. A bad mother. A bad person. save your kids from her. Poor kids...

 

Next time she's involved in an accident who knows what might happen...

 

You can never change a cheater.

 

Good luck.