northern_sky Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 (edited) I have no intention of ever contacting him again, but I really miss him. It's hard for me to believe I'll find another guy with whom I feel the same kindred-spiritness. Also having some realizations about my my emotional capabilities. The main loss is the intellectual connection we had. He's the only guy I've dated, and honestly met, who was bright in almost the same way as I am. And I'm wired weird so it was a pretty remarkable discovery. Like me he is a mixture of introverted, analytical/logical and artistic. He tends to be very independent-minded, and we always understood each other's off-kilter observations. Whenever I started saying something, he would immediately anticipate where I was going. We had the same taste in all things artistic, and we just reacted to the world in similar ways. He immediately picked up on things about me that I value about myself yet usually take other people awhile to notice or they never appreciate. He remarked once that he thinks I have uncanny ability to read people that goes beyond just observing their personality traits but also accurately guessing details about their history (this after I was able to guess a lot about his childhood when I barely knew him). I worry that the same traits that I appreciate in him usually go along with emotional unavailability. I can't really verbalize why, but it's just a hunch I have. Guys who are hyper intelligent, perceptive, and a bit weird (all things I like) tend to be fcked up. He was incredibly selfish, but in retrospect I don't think it was in narcissistic form. He was just oblivious. He grew up sheltered on a farm with distant, cold parents. He spent all of his childhood alone in his own world, reading and creating things, so he didn't know how to share himself with others when he got older. Unfortunately, I find some vulnerability endearing so his child-like qualities didn't put me off. He said that he couldn't be in a relationship with anybody because he's ruined all of his past relationships by turning into a crazy, withdrawn ahole as things got more serious, but in a sort of oblivious way. Yet he didn't know how to stop himself. I guess the trouble is I'm kind of a loner so I relate best to loner guys, yet they suck at relationships. My dad is a lot like J (extremely smart loner), only even less socially at ease. I have also realized with a bit of sadness that I had very little connection with my ex and what I thought was love was far from it. When he dumped me it was crushing because I trusted him so much and I cared about him, but we didn't have a deep connection. Whatever I felt for J was closer to the potential for love than anything I've experienced. It wasn't exhilarating or anything like infatuation. It was a natural, quiet attachment for him that built over time and seemed genuinely based on a connection felt. With other guys I've forced an attachment. This was different. The feeling was just there, even if it was unwelcome. And I don't think it was totally one-sided, although I obviously felt more. Near the end, I could tell in the way he was holding me and looking in my eyes that he was getting attached but he would withdraw when we weren't together. I think he was only able to feel that once he knew he was leaving, which made me less available to him. So how do I reconcile that I feel the strongest for men who are kindred spirits with those men tending to be emotionally unavailable or crippled? Right now I have no real desire to date anyone, because I imagine it will take a long, long time to find somebody who is as much like me as J was and is emotionally healthy. I just don't have the energy to sift through scores and scores of duds. I feel lazy and apathetic about love. Edited December 1, 2010 by northern_sky
Author northern_sky Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 Nevermind. All this reflection is a waste of time.
Jannah Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 You write beautifully. Have you ever considered doing it professionally?
tigressA Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Whatever I felt for J was closer to the potential for love than anything I've experienced. It wasn't exhilarating or anything like infatuation. It was a natural, quiet attachment for him that built over time and seemed genuinely based on a connection felt. With other guys I've forced an attachment. This was different. The feeling was just there, even if it was unwelcome. This is a very positive realization. I had only just come to the same after ending my relationship with C. When you meet someone you truly connect with, it's like being at peace with everything. It's something that happens naturally, and it's "just there", as you said. Once you feel up for dating again, examine how you feel with/about the guy(s) in question, using this criteria.
Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Nevermind. All this reflection is a waste of time. Really? Why do you think that?
Author northern_sky Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 Really? Why do you think that? Because thinking about him just hurts me right now.
Author northern_sky Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 fck. I have so much trouble controlling my emotions. I realize in retrospect I was falling in love with him, and how futile that was. I naively thought I could keep myself unattached.
sb129 Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Sky, give yourself a break. You are SO tough on yourself. You are allowed to feel things and you don't always have to keep your emotions in check. Its called being human. Take a deep breath, and think about the positive things you have in your life. You don't need a BF to be happy. He wasn't capable of making you happy in the long term.
Author northern_sky Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 Sky, give yourself a break. You are SO tough on yourself. You are allowed to feel things and you don't always have to keep your emotions in check. Its called being human. Take a deep breath, and think about the positive things you have in your life. You don't need a BF to be happy. He wasn't capable of making you happy in the long term. Thanks, SB. You're right.
Author northern_sky Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 You write beautifully. Have you ever considered doing it professionally? Thank you. Sort of...I'm going into filmmaking, which is tangentially related to writing.
Author northern_sky Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 This is a very positive realization. I had only just come to the same after ending my relationship with C. When you meet someone you truly connect with, it's like being at peace with everything. It's something that happens naturally, and it's "just there", as you said. Once you feel up for dating again, examine how you feel with/about the guy(s) in question, using this criteria. Aw...I didn't realize you felt that with C. It's unfortunate when you have that with someone who is ultimately incompatible. Yeah, the difference is amazing, isn't it? Just feels right. I can't imagine dating a guy I'm only half-hearted about again.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 fck. I have so much trouble controlling my emotions. I realize in retrospect I was falling in love with him, and how futile that was. I naively thought I could keep myself unattached. It's okay to fall in love ,as long as the person you're in love with reciprocates in kind. No, you're not naive, at least not after J. Think about what you learned from this and apply it to your next relationship. Only when you're ready, of course.
lovebitme Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I'm just curious, it seems like you guys got along really well and you were both made for each other (the way you explained it at least). what makes you think he won't come back again? i'm a guy and we almost always come back after we realize what we passed up. i'm not trying to bring hope to you or anything. just wondering what the circumstances were of the break up.
Author northern_sky Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 I'm just curious, it seems like you guys got along really well and you were both made for each other (the way you explained it at least). what makes you think he won't come back again? i'm a guy and we almost always come back after we realize what we passed up. i'm not trying to bring hope to you or anything. just wondering what the circumstances were of the break up. Well, we were never really "together." We had a casual relationship, because he genuinely wasn't looking for anything serious with anyone (he just got out of another relationship that he said he ruined and apparently all of his past relationships has fizzled because of his problems). But our interactions, at least for me, were more than just casual...something he kind of acknowledged the last time I saw him. So it was a huge source of frustration for me. He told me that he saw the potential for something more serious with me in the future, just not right now, and I clung to that shred of hope for too long until I couldn't take it.
tigressA Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Aw...I didn't realize you felt that with C. It's unfortunate when you have that with someone who is ultimately incompatible. Yeah, the difference is amazing, isn't it? Just feels right. I can't imagine dating a guy I'm only half-hearted about again. No, I felt half-hearted about C...there wasn't a true connection there. I never felt "at peace" with him. I felt consistent inner turmoil. About the shred of hope, I was in a situation similar to that. The guy and I got along really well, there were feelings, but he "wasn't ready" to commit. I just hung on hoping he'd change his mind, but no such luck. When someone gives you that "not ready" line, that's when you say "Call me when you are (of course, with no guarantee that you'll be waiting!)" and go NC.
Flirt Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I might be totally off-base here, but it sounds to me like you are drawn to things (in others) you don't necessarily like about yourself. Without trying to be too analytical, I'll say there's a reason why opposites attract. For example, two miserable people, no matter how comfortingly like-minded, will just end up being miserable together. Sometimes you need something that will offset that which you find to be deficient in yourself. I don't know if this is applicable to your situation, or if it makes sense at all. On a different note, we're all f'd up at least a little. The personality type you described is more common than you'd imagine and most people with that mindset aren't f'd up in a bad way, so don't give up on them
lovebitme Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Well, we were never really "together." We had a casual relationship, because he genuinely wasn't looking for anything serious with anyone (he just got out of another relationship that he said he ruined and apparently all of his past relationships has fizzled because of his problems). But our interactions, at least for me, were more than just casual...something he kind of acknowledged the last time I saw him. So it was a huge source of frustration for me. He told me that he saw the potential for something more serious with me in the future, just not right now, and I clung to that shred of hope for too long until I couldn't take it. I'm not trying to get you to hold on to hope because I don't know anything about your situation. With that said, I kinda think you should be prepared for this guy to come back to you an decide now what is best for YOU and what you plan to do. 80% of the time one of the ex's are going to come back because of regret. I have a feeling he will. Prepare yourself now mentally on how you wish to handle it. It's your choice. I hope you do what is best for YOUR life.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 (edited) I'm not trying to get you to hold on to hope because I don't know anything about your situation. With that said, I kinda think you should be prepared for this guy to come back to you an decide now what is best for YOU and what you plan to do. 80% of the time one of the ex's are going to come back because of regret. I have a feeling he will. Prepare yourself now mentally on how you wish to handle it. It's your choice. I hope you do what is best for YOUR life. Lol, but he's not an ex. Basically it was a one sided " relationship" where Sky wanted more than he could give her. If he does come back, I'm sure Sky will take the proactive choice of telling him to go away. Edited December 2, 2010 by xpaperxcutx
callingyouuu Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I worry that the same traits that I appreciate in him usually go along with emotional unavailability. I can't really verbalize why, but it's just a hunch I have. Guys who are hyper intelligent, perceptive, and a bit weird (all things I like) tend to be fcked up. As someone who knows a good number of those guys and might be a potential member of the club himself (depending on how you define hyper intelligent), yeah, I agree. Just sort of comes with the package, I guess. I also think the "Manic Pixie Dream Girl" female counterparts are also the same, but guys don't generally find emotional unavailability to be as much of an issue.
Els Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I have no intention of ever contacting him again, but I really miss him. It's hard for me to believe I'll find another guy with whom I feel the same kindred-spiritness. Also having some realizations about my my emotional capabilities. The main loss is the intellectual connection we had. He's the only guy I've dated, and honestly met, who was bright in almost the same way as I am. And I'm wired weird so it was a pretty remarkable discovery. Like me he is a mixture of introverted, analytical/logical and artistic. He tends to be very independent-minded, and we always understood each other's off-kilter observations. Whenever I started saying something, he would immediately anticipate where I was going. We had the same taste in all things artistic, and we just reacted to the world in similar ways. He immediately picked up on things about me that I value about myself yet usually take other people awhile to notice or they never appreciate. He remarked once that he thinks I have uncanny ability to read people that goes beyond just observing their personality traits but also accurately guessing details about their history (this after I was able to guess a lot about his childhood when I barely knew him). I worry that the same traits that I appreciate in him usually go along with emotional unavailability. I can't really verbalize why, but it's just a hunch I have. Guys who are hyper intelligent, perceptive, and a bit weird (all things I like) tend to be fcked up. Gosh, Sky. Reading the above few paragraphs felt like re-reading something out of my own journal. I think you hit on something incredibly important there, that I myself realized not too long ago: The things in a person that attract us to them, and the things that are needed to maintain a healthy, lasting relationship do not often go hand-in-hand. In fact, they sometimes counteract one another. I personally feel you are quite right re: the bolded paragraph. Sometimes I wonder if my most self-defeating trait with regard to relationships is the fact that I am only attracted to extremely brilliant, introverted, nerdy guys with a healthy dose of razor-sharp cynical wit. I wonder if some sort of natural law dictates that if a person is unusually developed in one area of the brain, another will suffer. In this guy's case, he lacked so badly in the 'things that are needed to maintain a healthy R' part that even though the 'things that attracted you to him' ie intellectual connection was so strong, it could not make up for it. It's sad, but it's life. I believe that someday, though, you will find someone who satisfies the first part, not perfectly and not to the standards that others may hold their mates to, but enough for you to have a happy relationship with... while fitting with you wonderfully in the second aspect. It may not be as easy for you as it may be for women with more mainstream preferences, but please don't think it's impossible.
Recommended Posts