Still trudging along in NC

[KarmasTestDummy]

I thought I was due for an update for those who have followed my story. All is well. I have not contacted ex mm in some time now nor he contacted me. I don't even keep track of the days, but it's been a couple of weeks since the last minimal contact occurred. That was just him asking hOw things were going and that really was that. At the time of making NC, it was to initiate dating someone else. That is still going on, however proceeding very slowly. He lives 45 mins away and works 12 hour shifts so there isn't a lot of time to spend together. I struggle still just for the reason that I don't share the intimacy and connection with new guy that I once had with mm. I do miss that and still find myself lonely and yearning for him. Good days and bad days come and go. IC wasn't really helping. My counselor was a flake. She seemed more interested in hearing my drama and updates than offering any advice, and would just tell me that I seem to have my head on straight and know what I want, and encouraged me to proceed with mm as an adult aware of what I was doing if I so chose. I really don't know her rationale but it didn't feel helpful in any form.

 

So that's my update. Just trying to get through the holidays and take things a day at a time. I hope everyone else is doing well and making smart choices.

[Confused4Now]

I thought I was due for an update for those who have followed my story. All is well. I have not contacted ex mm in some time now nor he contacted me. I don't even keep track of the days, but it's been a couple of weeks since the last minimal contact occurred. That was just him asking hOw things were going and that really was that. At the time of making NC, it was to initiate dating someone else. That is still going on, however proceeding very slowly. He lives 45 mins away and works 12 hour shifts so there isn't a lot of time to spend together. I struggle still just for the reason that I don't share the intimacy and connection with new guy that I once had with mm. I do miss that and still find myself lonely and yearning for him. Good days and bad days come and go. IC wasn't really helping. My counselor was a flake. She seemed more interested in hearing my drama and updates than offering any advice, and would just tell me that I seem to have my head on straight and know what I want, and encouraged me to proceed with mm as an adult aware of what I was doing if I so chose. I really don't know her rationale but it didn't feel helpful in any form.

 

So that's my update. Just trying to get through the holidays and take things a day at a time. I hope everyone else is doing well and making smart choices.

This is why I stayed focus on me...I tried the dating thing and it was clear I was not ready....sounds like you are not there yet either. I really don't want to drag someone into my mess meaning always comparing that person to the MM/MW. I'd rather be alone. This is the one thing I learned or still learning getting comfortable being with just myself.

If I need a fix I just always go out in groups which seems to work for me.

Holidays will be tough but I'm not in the day to day mode.

[jthorne]

I thought I was due for an update for those who have followed my story. All is well. I have not contacted ex mm in some time now nor he contacted me. I don't even keep track of the days, but it's been a couple of weeks since the last minimal contact occurred. That was just him asking hOw things were going and that really was that. At the time of making NC, it was to initiate dating someone else. That is still going on, however proceeding very slowly. He lives 45 mins away and works 12 hour shifts so there isn't a lot of time to spend together. I struggle still just for the reason that I don't share the intimacy and connection with new guy that I once had with mm. I do miss that and still find myself lonely and yearning for him. Good days and bad days come and go. IC wasn't really helping. My counselor was a flake. She seemed more interested in hearing my drama and updates than offering any advice, and would just tell me that I seem to have my head on straight and know what I want, and encouraged me to proceed with mm as an adult aware of what I was doing if I so chose. I really don't know her rationale but it didn't feel helpful in any form.

 

So that's my update. Just trying to get through the holidays and take things a day at a time. I hope everyone else is doing well and making smart choices.

It's perfectly normal to feel a sense of loss of intimacy and connection once a relationship ends. That happens with all romantic relationships. The key is to not fall back upon xMM should you get SO lonely, or should things not work out with the current guy. And nothing says that things have to work out with the current guy. At least this guy seems to genuinely care for you have respect you, even if he doesn't have a lot of time.

 

In regards to the counselor, you can always try another one. That is a relationship as well- some work, some don't. Keep looking for someone that "fits" you.

 

Great to hear from you. I hope you have a good holiday.

[whichwayisup]

That is still going on, however proceeding very slowly. He lives 45 mins away and works 12 hour shifts so there isn't a lot of time to spend together. I struggle still just for the reason that I don't share the intimacy and connection with new guy that I once had with mm. I do miss that and still find myself lonely and yearning for him.

 

You won't find that same connection, attraction and intensity with this new guy because you still feel "it" for exMM. Also, it being an affair dynamic with exMM.. Just means you may not really be ready to be inlove with someone else at the moment. I'm sure you're quite fond of the new guy, enjoy his company and all. Just take it slowly and see where it goes.

 

Fact that you still yearn, miss exMM also means this new guy really doesn't have a chance. Heart, mind, body and soul need to be on the same wave length and yours isn't quite there yet.

 

Find another therapist! There are good ones out there. That therapist, youre right, was caught up in the drama of it all and forgot to "help" you.

[desertIslandCactus]

This is why I stayed focus on me...I tried the dating thing and it was clear I was not ready....sounds like you are not there yet either. I really don't want to drag someone into my mess meaning always comparing that person to the MM/MW. I'd rather be alone. This is the one thing I learned or still learning getting comfortable being with just myself.

.

 

I agree with this Karma. And I'm glad you left your counceler. Work on and build up your own life. Could be classes, exercise, projects... And with the $$$ you will save on 'counseling' you will still come out ahead.

 

God heals, and will make you anew, and stronger.

[fooled once]

I thought I was due for an update for those who have followed my story. All is well. I have not contacted ex mm in some time now nor he contacted me. I don't even keep track of the days, but it's been a couple of weeks since the last minimal contact occurred. That was just him asking hOw things were going and that really was that. At the time of making NC, it was to initiate dating someone else. That is still going on, however proceeding very slowly. He lives 45 mins away and works 12 hour shifts so there isn't a lot of time to spend together. I struggle still just for the reason that I don't share the intimacy and connection with new guy that I once had with mm. I do miss that and still find myself lonely and yearning for him. Good days and bad days come and go. IC wasn't really helping. My counselor was a flake. She seemed more interested in hearing my drama and updates than offering any advice, and would just tell me that I seem to have my head on straight and know what I want, and encouraged me to proceed with mm as an adult aware of what I was doing if I so chose. I really don't know her rationale but it didn't feel helpful in any form.

 

So that's my update. Just trying to get through the holidays and take things a day at a time. I hope everyone else is doing well and making smart choices.

 

Regarding the bold, hon remember that a true, deep, solid foundation takes time. That is what dating is. The quick, hot stuff is the stuff that usually peters out because it has no foundation to fall back on...like ONS's.

 

Take your time. Let the new guy court you. ENJOY it...don't rush it.

 

It may or may not work, but hell, enjoy the ride!!

 

And YOU my friend are doing great - the fact that you don't keep track of days/weeks of NC shows you are moving forward. It is so sad to read when people state "it has been 14 days, 2 hours and 30 minutes since NC" or stuff like that. Focusing on that stuff is keeping you planted in the past, not allowing you to move forward. Great job!!

[siuys]

Karmas,

 

I went on one date during the last NC knowing I was not ready. I was just curious. I was thinking about xMM the entire time. So we said goodbye and that was that. I am so far from being able to date. I am so far from wanting a man in my life right now. Like C4N, I'd rather be alone and deal with everything.

 

I, too, feel some sort of void. I miss the intimacy and connection. But I am learning to give myself love, space and acknowledge whatever feelings come up. When I feel lonely, sad, fearful, needy or whatever, i sit there with that feeling. I don't judge it, label it, try to shake it off (because you can't). I just sit with it and FEEL it with my entire being, every cell of my body. Eventually, it dissipates. I no longer freak out when I am alone at home in my room at night. I don't go out for go out sake anymore. I enjoy going to work as it keeps my mind occupy and challenged. It is hard to be at home alone, but if you can sit with your pain, acknowledge it, feel it, thank it, it will go away and you will feel OK again. I learnt this from my therapist but also from Eckhart Tolle teachings and it works.

 

Yesterday I did a new thing. When I had an incredible urge to think about xMM, and the needy side coming out, I did the above, and I also repeated the subconscious visualisation thing that my therapist did with me, and it's helped me a lot. In my visualisation, I saw the happy future me coming towards the present me, picking me up, comforting me. I suddenly find myself giving myself a hug, and saying out softly, 'You're good'.

 

It may all sound weird but it works for me. I only hope it works for me when a big attack comes on next time.

 

Take care.

[SunsetRed]

Thanks for the update. I'm in the same place as most of you. I'm taking NC an hour at a time and feel that I may break at any moment. The only thing that keeps me from breaking it is that I know it will only drive us apart. I'm experiencing a lot of anger now as well and I'll dump it on him if I get a chance for NC.

 

Dating other guys isn't working either. I am comparing as well, as my MM and I had a great connection mentally and physically.

 

I'm just waiting for the pain to end, but then when the pain leaves, there won't be anything left of this ordeal!

 

I'm one messed up lady.

[siuys]

Hang in there, Sunset. I am where you are. Not sure how many times NC you have broken in the past but the pattern remains the same. The more times you break it, the more pain, the more of what you had dies. Dating can be a distraction for some, but surely not for me. There is no point. Can't avoid the pain. Just have to deal with it. Yes, at least when it ends, the pain will eventually subside.

[pureinheart]

I thought I was due for an update for those who have followed my story. All is well. I have not contacted ex mm in some time now nor he contacted me. I don't even keep track of the days, but it's been a couple of weeks since the last minimal contact occurred. That was just him asking hOw things were going and that really was that. At the time of making NC, it was to initiate dating someone else. That is still going on, however proceeding very slowly. He lives 45 mins away and works 12 hour shifts so there isn't a lot of time to spend together. I struggle still just for the reason that I don't share the intimacy and connection with new guy that I once had with mm. I do miss that and still find myself lonely and yearning for him. Good days and bad days come and go. IC wasn't really helping. My counselor was a flake. She seemed more interested in hearing my drama and updates than offering any advice, and would just tell me that I seem to have my head on straight and know what I want, and encouraged me to proceed with mm as an adult aware of what I was doing if I so chose. I really don't know her rationale but it didn't feel helpful in any form.

 

So that's my update. Just trying to get through the holidays and take things a day at a time. I hope everyone else is doing well and making smart choices.

 

Maybe your councellor said what she said because you are doing good and there was nothing to add...you do carry yourself well BTW, I can see her saying what she said to you:)

 

Hang in there girl...NC sucks, although it is a necessary evil at times.