waitingformay Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I am 25 and I have been married for only 6 months, but we have been together for 7 years (so together since I was 18). I am not happy in the relationship and I feel as though we got married out of convienence because we've been together so long. I love him with all my heart and the thought of hurting him is unbearble, but I am not in love with him. We have our fair share of problems, but there are no huge issues, like cheating or abuse (that I know of any ways). I just don't think we are meant to be together and I don't think we make each other happy. I think we would both be happier with other people. Currently there is no trust or communication in our relationship. I have basically divorced myself emotionally (and physically) from the relationship. I know our problems could be fixed and I could fall back in love with him, but I honestly don't want to. Even though deep down inside I know that I want out, I just don't know how to make that decision and say the words out load. I know this will ultimately be my decision (because I think he still loves me and wants to work it out), and I feel incredibly guilty that my decision is going to cause him so much pain and completely change his life. There are no kids but we do share a house and all our possessions are jointly owned and we have a dog. I also feel so guilty that only 6 months ago I told him, in front of family and friends, that I will love him in better or worse for the rest of our lives. And because there is no major major issue that is resulting in our breaking up, I feel like I am just giving up on my commitment. And the thought of telling our friends and family is just awful, I don't even want to think about it! I guess I am just scared of actually leaving and all the change it will bring, but I want to leave. That's my rant. Basically, I'm hoping to get some advice and perspective on how other people made this decision when there was no major issue (like cheating or abuse) but just a general falling out of love and realizing that you aren't meant to be together. Thanks in advance!
Surfer203 Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 At least you are feeling bad about what you are going to do to this guy. My wife did not deal with those feelings up front, she left and now feels bad about what she did and regrets HOW she did it, not THAT she did it. So.. I wish you luck. You have to do what is right for you, but you are about to DESTROY this guys life and world. Let him down easy.. don't be mean.. don't blame him.
sirweasles Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 first im going to tell you that you should think about this how is your life goin to be with out him becouse he will most likely stop talking to you and anyhope for friendship will be years away. some people will never fully heal from a divorce. You are young and you want to go out and expirience life. my suggestion would be try to find that love again talk to him make him understand that you both need to work on fixing your selves dont so easily throw this away in todays world people give up too easy they forgot how to fight for true happiness why fight when there is so many single people out there. I say why not fight when you already know you love the person you are with.
KraftDinner Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I think a lot of women these days are somehow led to believe that they 'deserve' to feel 'in love' and have their every single need met by their men. Well... I really and truly doubt that it is normal to feel 'in love' with someone after being together 7 years. You can be happy together but it takes work -- which we've all heard, "marriage takes work" -- but what does that mean? I think it means adjusting your expectations. If you are unhappy it is NOT necessarily because of the marriage. Oh sure, we all hear about "so-and-so have been happily married for 40 years" or whatever... but that happiness is not the same flush such as that felt in the first 6 months to two years of a relationship. I think a lot of people are brainwashed to think that if they don't feel like that after 5, 6, 10 years together, that there is something wrong with the relationship. That is not true at all. Look, breaking up after 7 years is going to rip apart your world in a way you can't even imagine right now. People are so blasé about divorce and break-ups in general but it is HARD and very upsetting.
HopelessinDTW Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I think a lot of women these days are somehow led to believe that they 'deserve' to feel 'in love' and have their every single need met by their men. Well... I really and truly doubt that it is normal to feel 'in love' with someone after being together 7 years. You can be happy together but it takes work -- which we've all heard, "marriage takes work" -- but what does that mean? I think it means adjusting your expectations. If you are unhappy it is NOT necessarily because of the marriage. Oh sure, we all hear about "so-and-so have been happily married for 40 years" or whatever... but that happiness is not the same flush such as that felt in the first 6 months to two years of a relationship. I think a lot of people are brainwashed to think that if they don't feel like that after 5, 6, 10 years together, that there is something wrong with the relationship. That is not true at all. Look, breaking up after 7 years is going to rip apart your world in a way you can't even imagine right now. People are so blasé about divorce and break-ups in general but it is HARD and very upsetting. AMEN!! OP you need to have a third party opinion here, please get yourselves into marriage counceling. You are on the fence right now, and don't really know which way to go. An MC will help you look at your relationship from a non-emotional and logical way. This is help you make the right decision...whatever that may be. Good luck, and be thankful that you came here for help first rather than run into another man's arms...
FreeNow Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I just don't think we are meant to be together No such thing as "meant to be together". It's what you both make of it. I don't think we make each other happy. Correct. Each individual is responsible for their own feelings. You can't actually make him happy nor can he make you happy. Happiness comes from within. If you get a good therapist/counselor you will be introduced to this truth and helped to integrate it into your thinking. If you don't at least get quality IC for yourself, you're doomed to relationships that won't make you happy the rest of your life. It's one of many lessons we all must learn in life to move forward with living. I have basically divorced myself emotionally (and physically) from the relationship. I know our problems could be fixed and I could fall back in love with him, but I honestly don't want to. Nobody can make you want to fix it except you. Even though deep down inside I know that I want out, I just don't know how to make that decision and say the words out load. Apparently, you have already made the decision. You appear unwilling to take responsibility for the actions necessary to carry out that decision. I know this will ultimately be my decision Here again, you have made your decision. I feel incredibly guilty that my decision is going to cause him so much pain and completely change his life. I'd be feeling pretty guilty about it too! we do share a house and all our possessions are jointly owned and we have a dog. This seems like the major reason you don't follow through with your decision. I also feel so guilty that only 6 months ago I told him, in front of family and friends, that I will love him in better or worse for the rest of our lives. Make a promise, take a vow and won't live up to it because you don't have those 'butterfly' feelings anymore. OMG, no wonder you feel guilty! And because there is no major major issue that is resulting in our breaking up Wait until you get into that really, really bad relationship one day. It's then that you'd give anything to be back in this one. I feel like I am just giving up on my commitment. Ummmmm... because you are? And the thought of telling our friends and family is just awful, I don't even want to think about it! Once again you don't want to take responsibility for your decisions. Let's see so far: You want someone else to make your emotions happen instead of you being responsible for your own feelings.You want to make unilateral decisions but don't want to take the responsibility.You complain about feeling guilt for not keeping a promise in a good relationship. - You are trying to duck responsibility yet again. I guess I am just scared of actually leaving and all the change it will bring, but I want to leave. In other words, you want to use the situation for a while. That's my rant. Basically, I'm hoping to get some advice and perspective on how other people made this decision(1) when there was no major issue (like cheating or abuse)(2) but just a general falling out of love(3) and realizing that you aren't meant to be together(4). You already made a decision and affirm that multiple times in your post.When you eventually get into a bad relationship, you'll face palm (or worse) over what you threw away.Real love is something of choice and takes a bit of work on both parts. One not willing to put forth the effort doesn't deserve it.There is no such thing as 'meant to be together'. Just in case you didn't know about the others; no Santa Claus, no Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy, etc. Presumably you wanted honest opinions. Don't take it personal. Those are mine based upon what you wrote. They are from many miles of experience and (hopefully) some wisdom. Thanks in advance! You are welcome.
FreeNow Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 (edited) I read some of your post you made in the OW/OM thread and a quick skim of it doesn't line up with what you posted here. In that thread you talk about another man, etc. If this link works, the post is at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3074363&postcount=1 What's up with that? Edited December 2, 2010 by FreeNow Mistaken on when the other was posted: Nov 1st 2010
Lionblade Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I read some of your post you made in the OW/OM thread and a quick skim of it doesn't line up with what you posted here. In that thread you talk about another man, etc. What's up with that? Exactly! How is having an emotional affair with a married co-worker not a huge issue in your marriage? Or are the time lines wrong?
Meatballsmom Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 You are cheating on your husband. And what about the OMW? Your are putting undue pressure on her marriage. Quit you job today
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