siuys Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Just curious those who are/were involved with MM or MW: 1. How long has the affair/relationship been going on 2. How many times of NC 3. At what point did you end it for good. I mean really end it. Just curious...
ItsNeverForever Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Siuys, the title of this thread made my heart hurt for you, & then I read it and thought, well, I have nothing constructive at all to offer, because I clearly haven't "had it" yet - I answered his phone call tonite. Sigh. But then it hit me...Omg, I had COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN that the last two men I dated were "unavailable" - not married, but living "miserably" with their long-time girlfriends. Gulp. What the hell is wrong with me???? Anyway, looking back on those two relationships, I CAN answer you... "MM"#1: 1. Maybe 6 weeks, & that was lucky for him bc I was furious with his waffling. He left her/came to me/went back to her three diff times. 2. NC twice, the 2nd & 3rd (& last!) time he decided to go back home. 3. Honestly, 2 years later, hindsight reminds me that I really had had it the first time we were intimate, when he left my bed that morning to go grocery shopping with her. Gah. I really think the only reason I stuck around was loneliness & boredom, bc NC was SO EASY! "MM"#2: 1. Three months. I knew the score from the beginning, he had a serious plan for removing himself from the home/relationship (on paper, even!) so there was a tolerable timeline for me. 2. NC only once when we broke up. Lasted about 6 weeks but we work together & were on friendly terms after that. 3. I knew I was done about two weeks before we broke up, after stupid situations kept moving the plan back over & over & over; it was just one thing after another, & I refused to live with the uncertainty. I was so strong then. Again, NC was SO EASY! (he did end up carrying out his plan 3 months after we broke up, he's now happily living single, & we are now (& will only ever be) great friends. So, now I'm going to lie awake tonite, wondering why I used to be such a hardass, not putting up with bs, & getting right over it, easy peasy NC...but now I'm a complete mess over those gorgeous green eyes with no brain behind them to make a decision with. Yeah...what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I extricate myself this time? Why haven't I "had it" yet??? Hrmph.
steelknife Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Just curious those who are/were involved with MM or MW: 1. How long has the affair/relationship been going on 2. How many times of NC 3. At what point did you end it for good. I mean really end it. Just curious... -26 months -once, the longest in our history; 8 days when we decided to part ways because we were talking about how guilty he was getting since his children "idolized" him and i got affected and said lets just end it then. we didnt speak to each other for 8 days then he started calling and texting after that, we were back to each other 3 weeks after. -it ended 50 days ago today because of dday. he tried calling few times after that, but for all the hurt and humiliation. and the choice he made,.i am nowhere to be found..
Confused4Now Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Just curious those who are/were involved with MM or MW: 1. How long has the affair/relationship been going on 5 years..... 2. How many times of NC So many times I can't even remember.....last year I went 3 months 3. At what point did you end it for good. I mean really end it. Didn't really ended it....I just walked away. Started living my life. Just curious... In bold...
Author siuys Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 Siuys, the title of this thread made my heart hurt for you, & then I read it and thought, well, I have nothing constructive at all to offer, because I clearly haven't "had it" yet - I answered his phone call tonite. Sigh. But then it hit me...Omg, I had COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN that the last two men I dated were "unavailable" - not married, but living "miserably" with their long-time girlfriends. Gulp. What the hell is wrong with me???? Anyway, looking back on those two relationships, I CAN answer you... "MM"#1: 1. Maybe 6 weeks, & that was lucky for him bc I was furious with his waffling. He left her/came to me/went back to her three diff times. 2. NC twice, the 2nd & 3rd (& last!) time he decided to go back home. 3. Honestly, 2 years later, hindsight reminds me that I really had had it the first time we were intimate, when he left my bed that morning to go grocery shopping with her. Gah. I really think the only reason I stuck around was loneliness & boredom, bc NC was SO EASY! "MM"#2: 1. Three months. I knew the score from the beginning, he had a serious plan for removing himself from the home/relationship (on paper, even!) so there was a tolerable timeline for me. 2. NC only once when we broke up. Lasted about 6 weeks but we work together & were on friendly terms after that. 3. I knew I was done about two weeks before we broke up, after stupid situations kept moving the plan back over & over & over; it was just one thing after another, & I refused to live with the uncertainty. I was so strong then. Again, NC was SO EASY! (he did end up carrying out his plan 3 months after we broke up, he's now happily living single, & we are now (& will only ever be) great friends. So, now I'm going to lie awake tonite, wondering why I used to be such a hardass, not putting up with bs, & getting right over it, easy peasy NC...but now I'm a complete mess over those gorgeous green eyes with no brain behind them to make a decision with. Yeah...what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I extricate myself this time? Why haven't I "had it" yet??? Hrmph. Wow, you have an unhealthy pattern here! Sorry! How long has this current A been going on? What's different this time? I tell you, I will NEVER get involved with another attached/married person. Once is once too many already!
SoMovinOn Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 J1. How long has the affair/relationship been going on 5 months 2. How many times of NC None, and we never will
Author siuys Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 -26 months -once, the longest in our history; 8 days when we decided to part ways because we were talking about how guilty he was getting since his children "idolized" him and i got affected and said lets just end it then. we didnt speak to each other for 8 days then he started calling and texting after that, we were back to each other 3 weeks after. -it ended 50 days ago today because of dday. he tried calling few times after that, but for all the hurt and humiliation. and the choice he made,.i am nowhere to be found.. Good for you. I think it's great that you didn't go back and forth a million times like a lot of people. It's great how after 50 days, really not that long since your A was 26 months, and you managed to stay away. What went through your mind when he tried to call you? How did you manage to not pick up the phone? What helped you to stay strong? I could use some advice!
Author siuys Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 5 months None, and we never will That is even better! Cut the ties completely in one go how good is that?! I hope he/she won't contact you again though. Did he/she?
myname Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Just curious those who are/were involved with MM or MW: 1. How long has the affair/relationship been going on 2. How many times of NC 3. At what point did you end it for good. I mean really end it. Just curious... 1. It's been going on just under two years 2. I've been trying NC over and over on and off for at least 6 months, not sure how many times exactly, it never lasted more than a few days really and then there'd be a time of being even more involved together until something came up again that caused me to try to call it off again, and the cycle continues... 3. This time I've really felt more like I've had it, but due to him throwing a bit of a tantrum, me feeling lonely, not knowing what's best I'm still in contact although haven't seen him now for almost a month which is the longest ever.
frenchiefun Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Just curious those who are/were involved with MM or MW: 1. How long has the affair/relationship been going on 2. How many times of NC 3. At what point did you end it for good. I mean really end it. Just curious... 1. About 4 years 2. None 3. Still going strong and have no intention of ending it...
Author siuys Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 1. About 4 years 2. None 3. Still going strong and have no intention of ending it... Wow frenchie. That is an exception I think. Are you married, and your AP? No roller coaster rides/issues that you think required NC obviously? I am quite surprised...
frenchiefun Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Wow frenchie. That is an exception I think. Are you married, and your AP? No roller coaster rides/issues that you think required NC obviously? I am quite surprised... Hi siuys, I'm pretty new here, not sure what AP means? My first post on this forum was titled "unrepentent", and yes, I am an unrepentent OW. Since I have been on here and read a lot of the posts, its become pretty apparent to me that my situation IS out of the ordinary. I love him and he loves me, but we have no intention or desire to end up together. I'm happy with the situation and don't pressure him for anything more, so there is no conflict between us, other than a bit of jealousy on his part when I go out with the other guy I see regularly. Some on here have basically accused me of being a prostitute.... We both enjoy what we have together, and as long as his wife doesn't find out, and she hasnt so far, no one is being hurt.
Author siuys Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 Hi siuys, I'm pretty new here, not sure what AP means? My first post on this forum was titled "unrepentent", and yes, I am an unrepentent OW. Since I have been on here and read a lot of the posts, its become pretty apparent to me that my situation IS out of the ordinary. I love him and he loves me, but we have no intention or desire to end up together. I'm happy with the situation and don't pressure him for anything more, so there is no conflict between us, other than a bit of jealousy on his part when I go out with the other guy I see regularly. Some on here have basically accused me of being a prostitute.... We both enjoy what we have together, and as long as his wife doesn't find out, and she hasnt so far, no one is being hurt. AP=Affair partner. I always believe that affairs are never a good thing, and it means something is problematic within a marriage or relationship. But then again, I also believe if it works for the both of you, then I guess it's ok to a certain extent. I guess it's a little unfair to his W, but who am i to judge. I also had an affair with a married man, and did not consider his W. Everyone is selfish in the end I guess... good luck.
woinlove Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 AP=Affair partner. I always believe that affairs are never a good thing, and it means something is problematic within a marriage or relationship. But then again, I also believe if it works for the both of you, then I guess it's ok to a certain extent. I guess it's a little unfair to his W, but who am i to judge. I also had an affair with a married man, and did not consider his W. Everyone is selfish in the end I guess... good luck. You guess wrong. Being selfish means having an excessive concern for yourself above others. Some people are selfish, but not everyone is. Come on, you must know some great people, who are not selfish, who treat others well, and who are an inspiration.
woinlove Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Hi siuys, I'm pretty new here, not sure what AP means? My first post on this forum was titled "unrepentent", and yes, I am an unrepentent OW. Since I have been on here and read a lot of the posts, its become pretty apparent to me that my situation IS out of the ordinary. I love him and he loves me, but we have no intention or desire to end up together. I'm happy with the situation and don't pressure him for anything more, so there is no conflict between us, other than a bit of jealousy on his part when I go out with the other guy I see regularly. Some on here have basically accused me of being a prostitute.... We both enjoy what we have together, and as long as his wife doesn't find out, and she hasnt so far, no one is being hurt. Just curious, would it matter if his wife was one of your good friends? I'm curious because I used to feel similarly when I was the OW - I certainly didn't want him to leave his W - but it mattered to me that the W was a stranger rather than someone who knew and trusted me. I wonder if you draw the same distinction or not?
Author siuys Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 You guess wrong. Being selfish means having an excessive concern for yourself above others. Some people are selfish, but not everyone is. Come on, you must know some great people, who are not selfish, who treat others well, and who are an inspiration. You're right. I do know people who put others first. I do the same, but I guess in my affair situation, I didn't consider his W. I was being selfish. And I think if I was in Frenchie's position, and the W is a friend, I would never do it. No way. But I also know people who have done that. A friend of mine had an affair with her best friend's H and they eventually got married. Ouch.
Pokemon Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Just curious those who are/were involved with MM or MW: 1. How long has the affair/relationship been going on 2. How many times of NC 3. At what point did you end it for good. I mean really end it. Just curious... 1. 13 months 2. About 4-5 times. The longest NC was 3 weeks in August and then now, which is about 2.5 weeks now. 3. Ended it 2.5 weeks ago. Just packed up & left. No need for goodbyes, he didn't contact me either. Quick text 1 week after I left to tell me he changed passwords & I told him I've moved on. Hope this ends it all. I have no desire to break NC at all on my part. Crosses fingers he does the same and be miserable.
frenchiefun Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Just curious, would it matter if his wife was one of your good friends? I'm curious because I used to feel similarly when I was the OW - I certainly didn't want him to leave his W - but it mattered to me that the W was a stranger rather than someone who knew and trusted me. I wonder if you draw the same distinction or not? Hi wo, I certainly would not be able to have an affair with a friend's husband. I have never met MM's wife, know very little about her, we don't discuss her or their relationship. I don't want to know anything about her. I think the fact that she remains a fairly abstract concept to me has made it easier to maintain the affair. I have met his children tho...
ItsNeverForever Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Wow, you have an unhealthy pattern here! Sorry! How long has this current A been going on? What's different this time? I tell you, I will NEVER get involved with another attached/married person. Once is once too many already! Sigh. Tell me about it! this REALLY has me freaked out, and I can't figure out why I "blocked" the fact that the last two were in relationships at the time we began dating - I mean, I'm REALLY good friends with the second one still - how did my brain just decide to forget that detail??? And considering how completely ANGRY both of those situations made me at the time, WHY did I even go there with current "MM" (who, like the previous two, is not married...is "irrevocably separated" from the BabyMama...but she is financially unstable and for the time being, unable to move out of his house, so essentially he is not free to be with me and deemed a MM in my book). I mean, I am REALLY disturbed about all of this - am I trying to prove something? I really hate to think that's what's behind this, but in every aspect of my life I'm such a tough, no sugar-coating, up front, don't take no sh*t girl so I can't figure out why I am someone else in this current relationship. We were together about 6 months. The first time I saw him, a year ago, I knew he was "the one" - I didn't even know his name. But I knew he was still "with" BabyMama back then, and I didn't go anywhere near him. I waited until they had been broken up 3 months before I spent any time with him outside of just hanging at the "gym" with our group of friends. I thought I was doing the right thing...but by the time it backfired on me, I was in too deep. Bottom line is, I knew better anyway, knowing she was still in the house - that was just a really lame decision on my part. I'm sure I was letting my strong emotions, tied to just "knowing" he was "the one", that I let it slide - that must be what was different this time, I sure as heck didn't feel that way about the others. You know, it started out normal, with no real restrictions on our dating life, aside from the fact that we didn't spend any time at his house for obvious reasons...but there were overnights, we spent 3-4 nights together at the "gym", and had lots of fantastic dates on the weekends when he didn't have the kiddo. But then her discovery of our relationship and her realization that he really had moved on (but she hadn't yet) and all hell broke loose, threats/violence/dramantics that he has yet to stand up to...stupid, stupid, stupid. And the perpetual NC/broken NC/NC/broken NC - pffft. I don't know when I'll be done with that. I'm an idiot. After the previous two, I said NEVER, too. WTF, me? That's been on an endless loop in my head since this thread started.
2sure Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 At what point do your reach your limit as OW? Some might say you could ask the same question of BS who have been cheated on more than once....but the biggest differences are huge: A OW has no logistics involved like a BS and a marriage does - the house, the kids, the history. So, she should be able to walk away more easily than a wife. Being OW and not being happy with the circumstances but staying, being a woman who repeatedly finds herself accepting unavailable men, being a woman who has a history of bad relationships... Being in love with a MM and thinking that if you solve that problem you will be ok...is a farce. You are not addressing the real issue.
ItsNeverForever Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 At what point do your reach your limit as OW? Some might say you could ask the same question of BS who have been cheated on more than once....but the biggest differences are huge: A OW has no logistics involved like a BS and a marriage does - the house, the kids, the history. So, she should be able to walk away more easily than a wife. Being OW and not being happy with the circumstances but staying, being a woman who repeatedly finds herself accepting unavailable men, being a woman who has a history of bad relationships... Being in love with a MM and thinking that if you solve that problem you will be ok...is a farce. You are not addressing the real issue. Well, duh. *Sigh* You're right, and personally, I know full well that the only problems I am capable of solving are MY OWN. I know I can't solve MM's for him, and I should be able to walk away easily. With each week that passes without progress, I do feel my limit getting closer to its end. I pray every day for it to happen faster. I'm not sure why I don't feel strong enough right now to just TCB and GTF away from him.
endlessness Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Just curious those who are/were involved with MM or MW: 1. How long has the affair/relationship been going on 2. How many times of NC 3. At what point did you end it for good. I mean really end it. Just curious... 1. 4 months (before our first month-long NC, which I consider our real end; I guess 8 months, if you count our short-lived encore performance) 2. Twice. Breaking NC showed me that the misery I experienced on NC was nothing compared to the agony of being in a R with that man. It was mostly an EA the second time around. 3. 7 weeks ago. We didn't see each other in over a month by that time and haven't exchanged any communication for two weeks. This silence really showed me how disposable I was in his life - he didn't need me anymore - so I made the decision to officially treat this as the end.
desertIslandCactus Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Just curious those who are/were involved with MM or MW: 1. How long has the affair/relationship been going on 2. How many times of NC 3. At what point did you end it for good. I mean really end it. Just curious... About two years. One NC Planned toward my escape for months. When he returned from vacationing in Italy, I did it. I think a good NC should be done in a nice manner and in honesty. Not out of anger, or to encourage the relationship. And for the reason of your own self-preservation. Then there are no regrets.
Ellin Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Well, duh. *Sigh* You're right, and personally, I know full well that the only problems I am capable of solving are MY OWN. I know I can't solve MM's for him, and I should be able to walk away easily. With each week that passes without progress, I do feel my limit getting closer to its end. I pray every day for it to happen faster. I'm not sure why I don't feel strong enough right now to just TCB and GTF away from him. Someone who's ready to walk away won't be stopped by any practical issues, while someone who isn't ready will find it extremely hard to leave, even though nothing stands in the way. There is no "should" when it comes to our feelings.
fooled once Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Just curious those who are/were involved with MM or MW: 1. How long has the affair/relationship been going on 2. How many times of NC 3. At what point did you end it for good. I mean really end it. Just curious... 1. 2 years 2. 1 time of NC, but not necessarily "planned" NC and not what I would consider to be true NC 3. When I was done - after way too many times of "I am leaving on xx date". I figured if he really wanted to be with me, and not have an affair, he would. He called many times and left many voicemails about "just give me one more chance" blah blah blah Nope. Gave you too many chances and you never did anything after all the words (not actions) that he wanted to be with me, not me and his wife
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