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My fiance's longtime friend?

YourVishnu

By YourVishnu
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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YourVishnu New Member

YourVishnu

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I've been with my fiance for about 7 months now, and we love each other and care about each other as much as two people ever have. She has a male friend she has known since highschool who has recently gone though a nasty breakup, and after being out of her life for a couple of years they're back to being friends again (his S.O. was not a good person to say the least). Now, they've had friends and others try to get them together throughout the years, but they never have, and even though she had crush on him for a couple of months, and he has drunkenly hit on her a few times (all in the past, and hey, he's a guy), they've never been together. But the other night at his place we were hanging out (and falling asleep), and it seemed like she was kinda staring at him a little bit. It was kinda hard to tell because she was resting her head on top of mine, but the only thing she could have been looking at was him. I also kinda noticed him drunkenly (nearly unconscious) checking her out a little another time. It's making me insecure and I just don't know what to do. She has my complete trust, so fidelity isn't the issue, but I wonder about their past and if she has feelings for him or him for her. It breaks my heart on many levels, and I'm at a loss of what to do. Should I just ask her about it? I've let her know of my insecurities before, but I don't want to overdo it. What should I do?!!!!!

Is it all in my head?

Edited by YourVishnu
Distant78 Established Member

Distant78

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I've been with my fiance for about 7 months now, and we love each other and care about each other as much as two people ever have. She has a male friend she has known since highschool who has recently gone though a nasty breakup, and after being out of her life for a couple of years they're back to being friends again (his S.O. was not a good person to say the least). Now, they've had friends and others try to get them together throughout the years, but they never have, and even though she had crush on him for a couple of months, and he has drunkenly hit on her a few times (all in the past, and hey, he's a guy), they've never been together. But the other night at his place we were hanging out (and falling asleep), and it seemed like she was kinda staring at him a little bit. It was kinda hard to tell because she was resting her head on top of mine, but the only thing she could have been looking at was him. I also kinda noticed him drunkenly (nearly unconscious) checking her out a little another time. It's making me insecure and I just don't know what to do. She has my complete trust, so fidelity isn't the issue, but I wonder about their past and if she has feelings for him or him for her. It breaks my heart on many levels, and I'm at a loss of what to do. Should I just ask her about it? I've let her know of my insecurities before, but I don't want to overdo it. What should I do?!!!!!

Is it all in my head?

 

When you informed her of your concerns, what was her initial response? I'd be a little concerned too...

Green Established Member

Green

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who cares if its all in your head... YOU DON'T LIKE THIS. Heck I wouldn't good friend from HS who now went through a break up and wants to hang out with her... Tell me you wouldn't be cool with them hanging out alone or having long phone conversations about the random crap... seriously just tell ur gf I'm uncomfortable with you being friends with this guy who all of a sudden comes back into ur life when he breaks up and I would like you to please stop seeing him.

 

Seriously she doesn't need to have guys from High School reconecting with her after break ups.

make me believe Established Member

make me believe

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When you informed her of your concerns, what was her initial response?

 

Great question! I think that if you two are at the point where you're ready to marry each other, she should take your concerns seriously. I am also engaged, and if my fiance felt insecure about a friend of mine, I would take a good hard look at the way I was behaving around the friend & the way the friend was behaving around me. And, honestly, even if I thought my fiance was over-reacting & had nothing to worry about, I would cut WAY back on time spent with the friend and I definitely would not hang out with him without my fiance there. I think that is the right thing to do when you're married or about to be married (assuming, of course, that your SO doesn't do this all of the time & isn't some controlling jerk). My fiance would absolutely come first -- especially before some guy from high school who I hadn't even talked to in two years! I don't really think that married people need to have friends of the opposite sex, though, and I know many people disagree with me on that.

Distant78 Established Member

Distant78

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Great question! I think that if you two are at the point where you're ready to marry each other, she should take your concerns seriously. I am also engaged, and if my fiance felt insecure about a friend of mine, I would take a good hard look at the way I was behaving around the friend & the way the friend was behaving around me. And, honestly, even if I thought my fiance was over-reacting & had nothing to worry about, I would cut WAY back on time spent with the friend and I definitely would not hang out with him without my fiance there. I think that is the right thing to do when you're married or about to be married (assuming, of course, that your SO doesn't do this all of the time & isn't some controlling jerk). My fiance would absolutely come first -- especially before some guy from high school who I hadn't even talked to in two years! I don't really think that married people need to have friends of the opposite sex, though, and I know many people disagree with me on that.

 

Oh you can count me in! I agree married folks shouldn't have a lot of opposite sex friends because that is a disaster waiting to happen IMHO.

 

 

Yea, old flames especially from high school is a red flag. Right now OP, I honestly think you should hold off on the marriage and she needs to take your concerns very seriously, considering you guys are planning to tie the knot.

Edited by Distant78
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YourVishnu New Member

YourVishnu

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In a perfect world I would definitely wish she didn't have a former best friend that was male, but the problem is that she's known him for so long; highschool, college, and up until his fiance basically took him away from all his friends. They never stopped being friends, he just kinda disappeared after he got married. I don't have much of a problem with her having a male friend, they only talk maybe once every week or two, and it's not for very long at all, mostly just catching up and stuff -very platonic as far as I can tell- but I worry that there are feelings going on beneath the surface. When I last made my insecurities known, she was very reassuring and honest, but I fear she may not be honest with herself about it. Part of what makes me insecure is the fact that they've known each other and been friends for so long, and that I'm the new element in all this. I'm just not even sure how to bring it up... Do I simply come out and ask if she has feelings for him?

Edited by YourVishnu
Green Established Member

Green

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In a perfect world I would definitely wish she didn't have a former best friend that was male, but the problem is that she's known him for so long; highschool, college, and up until his fiance basically took him away from all his friends. They never stopped being friends, he just kinda disappeared after he got married. I don't have much of a problem with her having a male friend, they only talk maybe once every week or two, and it's not for very long at all, mostly just catching up and stuff -very platonic as far as I can tell- but I worry that there are feelings going on beneath the surface. When I last made my insecurities known, she was very reassuring and honest, but I fear she may not be honest with herself about it. Part of what makes me insecure is the fact that they've known each other and been friends for so long, and that I'm the new element in all this. I'm just not even sure how to bring it up... Do I simply come out and ask if she has feelings for him?

 

The same way he wasn't around when he was married it should remain so now that he isn't. The reason he wasn't in contact every week or so "just catching up" as you put it is because it would have been INAPROPRIATE. Just ask her to stop, end of story.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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Talk to her. Tell her your concerns, and ask for her honest feelings about the guy. Ask her how she would feel, and what she would do, if he begged her to be with him.

 

This kind of issue is great communication practice before marrying. If you are hesitant to be open and honest, tell her your concerns, or if you don't believe that she is being open and honest with you, then the marriage just isn't going to work.

 

From what you've posted, it does sound like he is probably interested in her. That doesn't necessarily mean that they can't be friends, though. What matters is how your fiance feels about him, how she feels about you, and how solid her boundaries are.

jimbo19 New Member

jimbo19

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Nothing good will come of this. Don't you find it odd that when this dude was married he was off the radard, but now that he's singe he's back?

You're fiance may not have wrong intentions now, but I'll bet the farm if this friendship continues it's present course, that will change.

Edited by jimbo19
yessy21 Established Member

yessy21

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I wish i could say "its all in your head" but its not. Theyres something defenitley there and if you dont talk about it and fix it... your going to get played on. Cause one of them might make the first move.

make me believe Established Member

make me believe

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Nothing good will come of this. Don't you find it odd that when this dude was married he was off the radard, but now that he's singe he's back?

 

Seriously! That speaks volumes about his intentions.

 

OP, just like the "friend" disappeared & was off the radar when he was married.... perhaps your fiance should do the same now that she is about to be married?? I mean, who cares that they've been friends since high school? You're not obligated to remain friends with someone just because you've known them for a certain number of years. And clearly their friendship wasn't that important since they both let it slide while he was married. (Which was the RIGHT thing to do, imo.)

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YourVishnu New Member

YourVishnu

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Yeah, I agree that if he did disappear from her life only that would be a HUGE red flag, but he vanished from ALL of his friends lives, male too. No one liked her, in fact my fiance had to defend her and his decision to marry her to the rest of their friends. I mean, if I had a choice, I would of course wish that she didn't have a male (former best) friend, especially under all the circumstances, but that's just not the case, and I don't feel right with making her end friendships just because I may be feeling insecure (unless you're all right and I should be insecure, in which case I would tell her flat out that I'm not okay with it).

You're all right, I have to talk to her about it, I'm just not quite sure how... I guess I'm also afraid of her reaction. I need to be more honest with her about what's going on with me, but I don't want to overdo it either, or become too needy or keep bringing up this same junk. It's a fine line, I'm just not sure how to walk it. I wish I were talking to her right now... it's like needing to vomit, I just wanna get it done so I can feel better, because it's been hitting me in the gut for about a week now:sick:

Edited by YourVishnu
Distant78 Established Member

Distant78

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Yea, if I were you i'd watch this guy's intentions and keep an eye on your woman too.

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