Hopeful30 Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I have a very active social life. Tons of friends, many genuine people in my life, a supportive family and a great job (couldn't imagine doing anything else). Yet I can't help but feel lonely. I can't help but think that I need to be loved by a man, truly loved, in order to not feel lonely. Is this odd? Or do many people want to have someone to love and be loved in order to feel safe? There have been periods in my life where I have been single for a very long time, and I have never felt like this. After my ex and I broke up, dating men after him seemed to be empty because none of them truly cared, they just did it because we are compatible or because I treat them well. I feel like I need to be genuinely loved by a man in order to feel good again. Otherwise, even if I date good guys who treat me well and respect me, I still feel lonely because I am not loved. Thoughts?
Surrealist Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I love you. Seriously though we can all feel lonely. As you may be aware, being in a relationship does not always mean you will not feel lonely - sometimes you can feel even more lonely if you are in a relationship that is not travelling well. I wonder how fresh you are from your breakup with your long-term partner there? This may (or may not) have something to do with you feeling unusually lonely at this point in time.
westrock Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I feel like I need to be genuinely loved by a man in order to feel good again. Otherwise, even if I date good guys who treat me well and respect me, I still feel lonely because I am not loved. There's nothing wrong with a need to be genuinely loved by another person. It's the part "in order to feel good again" that is unhealthy. You have to love yourself first in order to feel good again otherwise you will still feel lonely no matter how good the guys are to you. Look for love from within before looking for it from others.
Author Hopeful30 Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 I love you. Seriously though we can all feel lonely. As you may be aware, being in a relationship does not always mean you will not feel lonely - sometimes you can feel even more lonely if you are in a relationship that is not travelling well. I wonder how fresh you are from your breakup with your long-term partner there? This may (or may not) have something to do with you feeling unusually lonely at this point in time. Well I broke up with my ex back in early July. After that we were just friends, and I distanced myself from him quite well. We wouldn't really see each other anymore. Then early this month (Nov) I started seeing another guy. My ex found out, cut off all contact with me. This new guy is great, he truly is. He has such a big heart and he is such a lovely person. We spend a lot of time together but the love part is missing (of course you can't expect it to be there so soon) but I don't even feel like we are heading in that direction either.
Surrealist Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 What aspect of the 'love part' do you feel is missing?
9Lives Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Well I broke up with my ex back in early July. After that we were just friends, and I distanced myself from him quite well. We wouldn't really see each other anymore. Then early this month (Nov) I started seeing another guy. My ex found out, cut off all contact with me. This new guy is great, he truly is. He has such a big heart and he is such a lovely person. We spend a lot of time together but the love part is missing (of course you can't expect it to be there so soon) but I don't even feel like we are heading in that direction either. It sounds like to me that you are not over your ex for one. Another thing is that you might not really be ready to be in love right now. It could be that your inner being is not ready for this right now but you are forcing yourself to be with someone. I have let alot of good men go by cause I wasnt ready. I couldnt give that love to them. I am single now and I get a little lonely but I want a year kinda to explore myself and what I love about ME. It sounds stupid but it is true. I workout, I study how to walk in heels so I can walk sexy like a woman, I joined meetup so I can meet other people. Relationship are great and I want that love but I refuse to not love my own self and my company cause it might take a long time for GOOD LOVE to come into my life again. Good love will only due now. Nothing less and Im going to take my time. So im exploring my womanhood, my womanly powers. I love being a woman
carhill Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 OP, do you understand that love with a new partner will not feel the same as it did with your ex or those before him? You're a different person now and you will love as that person. A good question to ask is why, surrounded by loving and connected individuals, you feel lonely. IMO, find your inner peace first before including a significant other in your life. TBH, if I was dating someone and got wind of that dynamic, I'd discontinue dating them simply because I'd feel we aren't compatible for a LTR. Can you see how evolving a different perspective could help you in situations like you recently posted?
Author Hopeful30 Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 Surrealist - What do you mean what aspect of the love part? Love as is loving someone, hugging them kissing them. Being affectionate and intimate and close. 9Lives - You are right, i'm ready to move on but i'm not over him. carhill - I don't expect to be loved the same way by every single guy of course not, but my ex loved me in a way that I felt was so strong. And I don't feel even the slightest thing now (which like I mentioned isn't expected because it's way too soon, but to feel absolutely nothing?)
carhill Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 If you feel nothing, then for you, right now with this person, there is no romance, no chemistry. Don't fake it until you make it. It's either there or it's not. The man can be a great guy, but just not for you. I know exactly what you're talking about. Your desire to not be lonely overrides the acceptance of feeling nothing. You'd rather feel nothing and not feel lonely. Also, I was talking more about how you love rather than how you feel loved. Both evolve throughout your life. Finding peace within yourself will change how you love, resulting in changes in how you feel loved. It's all interrelated, IMO.
Author Hopeful30 Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 Also, I was talking more about how you love rather than how you feel loved. Both evolve throughout your life. Finding peace within yourself will change how you love, resulting in changes in how you feel loved. It's all interrelated, IMO. I don't want to break up with him because he is a good guy, and I am being selfish and keeping him to myself because he is the best I have had so far. Unfortunately my feelings aren't exactly ready right now for that level of intimacy (and neither are his) but we don't want to call it quits because it can be so good. Just not right now. What if a month from now we are too busy, or the timing is off, or something else happens? Us together has so much potential, and that's the reason I don't want to let it go. I will put my loneliness aside for now because that is minuscule compared to what I feel we could have.
Knittress Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I know how you feel - how being truely loved changes you and how you see the world. Going back to new people and shallower connections feels a lot like hyperventilating, and sometimes the same sort of feedback-loop of panic sets in. It honestly it took me a good two years before I was anywhere near capable of feeling close to anyone without it setting off a landmine of ex issues. And for you, it's only been a few months! The only way this is going to feel ok for you is when the memory of the ex is so remote that you're comparing the new people to the experience of being single and NOT the depth and comfort of an established relationship. I know that hole. I know it well. And I did exactly what 9lives said - I took that opportunity to study sites like this, sex blogs, erotica, fashion, femininity -- and somehow, AMAZINGLY, I began to feel sexy and sensual and whole all on my own. But it took a lot of work, a lot of readjustments and bad calls, and it would've been so much easier to crawl into the nearest safe habor like my spineless ex. But I'm glad I didn't. I'm so much cooler now!
Author Hopeful30 Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 The only way this is going to feel ok for you is when the memory of the ex is so remote that you're comparing the new people to the experience of being single and NOT the depth and comfort of an established relationship. You're exactly right. I wasn't with my ex for very long, about 6 months. But I was closer to him than to even my previous boyfriend of almost 2 years. You're right, I need to find myself and figure things out for me. Does that necessarily mean I have to break up with this guy?
Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I know how you feel - how being truely loved changes you and how you see the world. Going back to new people and shallower connections feels a lot like hyperventilating, and sometimes the same sort of feedback-loop of panic sets in. Oh man, I can relate. Once you've experienced true love, every other meeting/connection that's not true love feels empty, shallow and meaningless, and I'm quick to blow it off as "not what I'm looking for." Thing is, the expectation that you'll meet someone new and immediately feel that special feeling you had with an ex, the feeling you had after you spent considerable time building that relationship and developing true intimacy with your ex, just isn't healthy. True love isn't instantaneous, you can't expect to replace what you had with an ex with someone new quickly and immediately. It takes time to grow. It's a seed, not an instant rose garden. That's how I'm trying to think of it, anyway. Look for good seeds, and build from there.
pureinheart Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I have a very active social life. Tons of friends, many genuine people in my life, a supportive family and a great job (couldn't imagine doing anything else). Yet I can't help but feel lonely. I can't help but think that I need to be loved by a man, truly loved, in order to not feel lonely. Is this odd? Or do many people want to have someone to love and be loved in order to feel safe? There have been periods in my life where I have been single for a very long time, and I have never felt like this. After my ex and I broke up, dating men after him seemed to be empty because none of them truly cared, they just did it because we are compatible or because I treat them well. I feel like I need to be genuinely loved by a man in order to feel good again. Otherwise, even if I date good guys who treat me well and respect me, I still feel lonely because I am not loved. Thoughts? Hi Hopeful, It's very normal and natural to want sa special someone who cares for you and loves you...who you do things with, share things with...someone who knows what your doing most of the time, who looks out for you and if something were to happen to you he'd know...I hope you meet that special someone soon:)
Author Hopeful30 Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 Stargazer - You are right. I think i've found a good seed but it doesn't seem to be growing or maybe I am just expecting it to grow faster than it naturally could... Pureinheart - Thank you, I really appreciate your kindness I hope so too.
yessy21 Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Its human to feel like that. do u go home and sit down and feel like theirs something missing? Then maybe you should think about being alone for a while and not dating. Maybe this will be your remedy.
SteveC80 Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 (edited) I know a women like that she always had to be in a relationship,before the ink dried on her divorce she met guy through a mutual friend had sex a few days later and is now about to have his child evne though he just broke up with her and wants nothing to do with her Edited December 1, 2010 by SteveC80
Recommended Posts