zengirl Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 I just realized I tend to sabatoge relationships a lot after the really fresh exciting newness wears off and before they get fully out of the "new" stage into that comfortable zone where I feel like we're really growing together. I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 months. I'm pretty sure he's in love with me. We're a totally annoying adorable couple. Everyone thinks we're meant for each other. We spend lots of time together, he's thoughtful and lovely, his friends like me, my friends like him, we talk about the future, I've met his parents, and he's very effusive in his compliments and affection. We can disagree and communicate effectively without having angry fights. He does absolutely nothing, whatsoever, to make me feel insecure or unsafe in the relationship. And yet. . . all this week, I've been feeling like he's going to break up with me. We had a minor spat on Sunday, more a misunderstanding because he thought I was angry when I wasn't. He still spent the night. We've seen each other since then and no worries. He called me today to say he'll miss me this week since I can't see him (my work and social schedule, mostly) till Friday when we're going to an event. Actually, I could've seen him Wednesday but we were just going to have time for dinner if we hung out, so I made plans with a friend because I was worried that dinner was a good place for him to break up with me! (He's not going to break up with me at an event!, I thought.) Part of me knows this is absolutely and completely crazy. Yet I do it. And it's not the first time. At least now I know to get distance from him when I'm feeling this way and work it out for myself. Anybody else do this?
Jannah Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 No. Sounds like you have a wonderful boyfriend who cares for you and has certainly demonstrated his commitment to you and the relationship. So, what gives?
Author zengirl Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 No. Sounds like you have a wonderful boyfriend who cares for you and has certainly demonstrated his commitment to you and the relationship. So, what gives? Nothing, I'm just being weird. I'll take a little time to myself and probably be fine, but it'd be disasterous to spend to much time with him in this state (That's what I would've done when I was younger). I don't know why I worry at this stage. And yes, he's fantastic. That's why I'm taking some amount of care not to take it out on him!
Jannah Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Nothing, I'm just being weird. I'll take a little time to myself and probably be fine, but it'd be disasterous to spend to much time with him in this state (That's what I would've done when I was younger). I don't know why I worry at this stage. And yes, he's fantastic. That's why I'm taking some amount of care not to take it out on him! It's okay to have scary thoughts sometimes but I don't see any behavior on his part that would indicate he's ready to jump ship. Share your concerns with him and maybe he can verbally assure you, his actions up to this point all seem very positive.
Author zengirl Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 It's okay to have scary thoughts sometimes but I don't see any behavior on his part that would indicate he's ready to jump ship. Share your concerns with him and maybe he can verbally assure you, his actions up to this point all seem very positive. Yeah, I guess my point was that he can't assure me. He totally would, but what would be the point? I am the one making myself crazy, and I am the only one who could assure me, really. Hence why it's sabatoge to have such thoughts. No, his behavior is great. Less of the chase now, but that's normal, as we get comfortable.
Jannah Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Yeah, I guess my point was that he can't assure me. He totally would, but what would be the point? I am the one making myself crazy, and I am the only one who could assure me, really. Hence why it's sabatoge to have such thoughts. No, his behavior is great. Less of the chase now, but that's normal, as we get comfortable. Well, yes. Having the thoughts you are having when there is no indication of him bailing versus what he has demonstrated, is sabotaging on your part. So, try to nip it in the butt and enjoy your relationship together.
Woggle Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I would break up before you end up really hurting him. I hate to be the negative one but I know how these situations play out.
Author zengirl Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 I would break up before you end up really hurting him. I hate to be the negative one but I know how these situations play out. How am I going to hurt him? Quite silly. In my younger days, I might've broken up when I felt this way----out of a defensive move. At this point, he's not noticed at all or been impacted, except my choosing to hang out with a friend one day instead of him, which is no tragedy. I treat him just as nicely as he treats me. It's not like he's in any way mistreated.
Surrealist Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I just realized I tend to sabatoge relationships a lot after the really fresh exciting newness wears off and before they get fully out of the "new" stage into that comfortable zone where I feel like we're really growing together. Okay I think I get it!. You wanna sabotage the relationship before the comfort stage settles as he is on the verge of habitually farting and finding it funny. The realisation that he is only human after all kinda sucks eh?
Author zengirl Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 Okay I think I get it!. You wanna sabotage the relationship before the comfort stage settles as he is on the verge of habitually farting and finding it funny. The realisation that he is only human after all kinda sucks eh? He doesn't do that stuff, and I like all the stuff that comes later. I just don't like the weird middle stage between being chased and knowing that a guy loves me and I'm a vital part of his life that's been around for awhile. I like the later parts---trading keys, vacations together, saying I Love You, celebrating anniversaries, etc. And I like the earlier parts too. It's not about the imperfections at all. It's more about feeling safe in the relationship. In the beginning, I feel safe because I'm not as invested, and later, I feel safe, because his investment will be long-established.
Arasae Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Ha! I do this too. I have a history of getting comfortable with men and having them lose interest with virtually no warning.. Well, actually, it was only one guy who did this, and he was a yo-yo. Every five months, he'd decide he didn't want to be with me anymore, then get back with me a week or two later. HURRAY CONDITIONING! I'm at the stage where I get nervous with my current boyfriend myself. I'm mostly just trying to focus on other things when I get paranoid--I think about how wonderful our courtship has been and how, when we've had issues, we've worked through things together and listened to each other... it helps that he frequently tells me different things he adores about me, though. My advice is to just bite your tongue when you get those urge and think about how awesome things have been; that's what I do and my anxiety over it has slowly been dissipating!
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