half_ofa_heart Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 (edited) I met my MM a year and a half ago. We had so much in common right from the start. Our A started out as friends – best friends then shortly thereafter physical. As it has for most of you, it was a love like I’ve never known; so deep and emotional that you felt you were one. This went on for over a year then it happened… D-Day by way of an anonymous phone call and letter to the BS. However, D-Day came and went without casualties because both of us managed to convince BS that it was all rumors and impossible to be true. After weeks of endless emails, phone conversations with several people, she believed it was just the work of a horrible person with too much time on their hands. Meanwhile, MM and I decided to end it at that time and consider it a blessing that we weren't caught -- That lasted all of two weeks! He contacted me telling me he missed me, loved me, and couldn't live without me and that his W was back to treating him like crap. I fell for it hook, line and sinker! We were once again continuing this A only now, because of the “false” D-Day, his W and I are now "friends" making me feel even more guilty. The thing that bothered me the most is that here we were, all three of us, with this major incident that could have potentially ruined EVERYTHING; them - their marriage, their home, their family. For me, my reputation and my integrity. And, none of us changed what led us there to begin with!!! WTF?!?!?! BS admitted to me that she wasn't being very nice to MM which is why she even considered it possible for him to have an A yet after this D-Day scare, she continued to degrade him, yell at him call him names and with hold sex from him (at least that's what I was told).[ MM begged and pleaded for his wife to believe that it was all lies and rumors and without proof so when she finally believed him and he decided to "work on his marriage" why was he was back in my bed 2 weeks later? As for me, I am not proud of myself. In fact, I beat myself up daily and hate what I have done for the past year and a half but sometimes love makes us do stupid things. I went into this as a one night fling; never once thinking any different. He began telling me he loved me and I, like most of us, fell for each and every word. After all, what woman doesn't yearn to be loved A week ago, I had reached a point where I knew I had to end things when I asked when the last time he had sex with his W and he told me 3 days ago. I knew that they were still being intimate but was always told it happened so infrequently that it was practically non-existent. Plus, it was on that very day that we were supposed to be together but his schedule never allowed. Nevertheless, my heart broke in so many pieces that I couldn't breathe. I sent him an email the next day telling him I was done and to please stop contacting me I am on day 7 of NC but blew it today when I called him begging him to leave me alone because he continued to try with IM's and phone calls leaving messages. Albeit, far less than he has with my past attempts to end it so perhaps he is finally realizing that he his truly killing me - not to mention is W I feel like I died inside and wonder when the pain will subside. Even though I begged him to stop contacting me – part of me hopes he does because he was so dear to me, my best friend! As I write this I see how foolish I have been and even so, why do I still hurt as much as I do?? Is it the pain of seeing my own stupidity or is it the pain of losing someone I truly loved? The only thing that has helped is reading all of your stories and words of wisdom. I am sorry for all the pain that I have caused and the pain that all of you are going thru. I only hope that perhaps our stories can prevent the pain of someone who is considering entering into an A as in the end - it is a lose/lose situation. Edited November 30, 2010 by half_ofa_heart
greengoddess Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I don't think you dodged that bullet yet. He'll be back and you will give in and the destruction caused by it will be immeasurable.
2themoon&back Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I am sorry you are hurting like this, i do feel your pain. Good luck with NC, I hate it but I am in to far now to turn back, it was forced and I was not ready for it. You may or you may not end up back on the roller coaster...time will tell. But as far as our stories helping anyone else think twice about getting into an A, I highly doubt that, people do what they want to when they want to, and no one could have stopped me--I was being totally selfish. Ours stories help us see we are not alone in these kinds of R/A, and we try to support each other to heal. I hope you keep posting you never know who you may help today be kind to your self and try not to think to hard about all of this in one day there will be many more days to do all that. take care
Author half_ofa_heart Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 Thank you Moon. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. They seem like the longest days ever. He has promised to not contact me but just this morning sent me an IM with a smiley emoticon. I was up half of the night convincing myself that its over and even cried in my sleep. This is all soooo confusing and painful. I consider myself a smart woman and yet found myself driving down a dead end road at 60 MPH. Definitely not the work of a smart woman.
jwi71 Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 If its over then I suggest blocking his IM, his email and phone numbers. This way, even if he doesn't respect your wishes to NEVER contact or see or communicate with you again - he cannot as his ability to do so is eliminated. This way you can begin to work on healing, grieving and moving forward with your life.
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