Relationship and birth control

[hearttobreak]

Let's say you are dating a woman, and both of you start to become intimate. She says she starts to use birth control. Aside from the shot, how do you trust her that she's taking it everyday? In my experience, on a relationship become serious, the condoms come off and she's on birth control. The last gf I had wanted me to loose the condom. I was hesitant, and tried sex without the condom a few times, but was paranoid about possibly getting pregnant, so we went back to using condoms. Don't get me wrong, the feeling was so much better for the both of us without the condoms, but I was really concerned. She really wasn't happy about that. Since she already had one kid, which she claimed happened because her then hubby switched her birth control pills, I was really concerned about getting her pregnant. She said not to worry, and if it happened, she'd take a morning after, however, I still wasn't satisfied with no condom use. I suggested the shot, she would not take it. Sex started to become less and less and we drifted father and father apart. Not saying the condom/no condom was the cause, but I am sure she sensed that I really did not trust her in religiously taking the pill. Again, accidents happen too.

 

So, whaddya do? Stick with condoms, which, aside from the natural ones, I cannot climax. Push for the shot instead of the pill?

[Stung]

There is no perfect birth control, unfortunately, and the shot is not the magical panacea you seem to think it is. I wouldn't 'push' for the shot, as the shot is very harsh on women's bodies, and while some women adjust perfectly well to it other women have health complications from it--you can obviously suggest it, as an alternative that she might want to look into, but it's not your place to 'push' women into serious medical decisions with implications for their health. You might also suggest she look into the IUD, especially as she already has a child, even the IUD with hormones is less chemically harsh than the Depo shot. The IUD carries it's own set of risks to her, however, and any changes to her birth control regimin have to be her informed medical decision.

 

If I were you I guess I'd stick to condoms for a while, or consider always pulling out and only climaxing on the outside. That's not 100% foolproof either but in conjunction with bc pills it's about as good as you're going to get in the real world, IF you're not concerned about STD's. Accidents do happen even to the best of us--a missed pill, a pill malabsorbed because of illness, antibiotics, etc.--however, do you trust that she's at least taking her pills most of the time and conscientious about making up for any missed pills, or are you less concerned with accidents and more concerned with deliberate sabotage? If that's the case, why are you regularly sleeping with a woman whose character you regard as so suspect?

[hearttobreak]

There is no perfect birth control, unfortunately, and the shot is not the magical panacea you seem to think it is. I wouldn't 'push' for the shot, as the shot is very harsh on women's bodies, and while some women adjust perfectly well to it other women have health complications from it--you can obviously suggest it, as an alternative that she might want to look into, but it's not your place to 'push' women into serious medical decisions with implications for their health. You might also suggest she look into the IUD, especially as she already has a child, even the IUD with hormones is less chemically harsh than the Depo shot. The IUD carries it's own set of risks to her, however, and any changes to her birth control regimin have to be her informed medical decision.

 

If I were you I guess I'd stick to condoms for a while, or consider always pulling out and only climaxing on the outside. That's not 100% foolproof either but in conjunction with bc pills it's about as good as you're going to get in the real world, IF you're not concerned about STD's. Accidents do happen even to the best of us--a missed pill, a pill malabsorbed because of illness, antibiotics, etc.--however, do you trust that she's at least taking her pills most of the time and conscientious about making up for any missed pills, or are you less concerned with accidents and more concerned with deliberate sabotage? If that's the case, why are you regularly sleeping with a woman whose character you regard as so suspect?

 

haven't been with a woman since I broke up with the last one. And we all know what a panacea that was. She was taking a lot of meds for her medical issues, and then she stopped taking the pill cause it was causing issues with her hormones or something. To be honest, her moods were worse than better after stop taking the pill. She would not do the diaphragm or IUD. Sex stopped, we became distant and then I broke it off. Not for the lack of sex, as I was the one withholding it from her. It was because she started to treat me differently and said we had no future together. I felt I was wasting my time and I left. It hurt, but I did what I thought need to be done. She moved on pretty quick to the next guy. So, I was right, she never cared for me in the first place.

 

I am looking forward into the future. I have read and heard so many times that women had or by mistake forgot to take the pill, so I always used condoms. My last GF, was the only one I attempted to not use a condom. It was driving me crazy cause of the risk, so I went back to using natural condoms. It is too much of a risk for me to have my future in the palm of someone else's hand. Granted, cause of the way things broke, I may be a little jaded, but, it seems many women, once you are in a serious relationship prefer condomless sex. I have considered a vasectomy too, but this could backfire on me if I ever want to have kids in the future. The pull out method, not too sure about that one. That's what she was using before, and she had a kid 13 years ago. What I did for awhile, is before sex, I would pee, so that would kill any sperm still in the penis, then have sex. Before having sex again, do the same. However, I was still concerned about the possibility of getting her prego.

[Stung]

Sounds like it was the right call to end that particular relationship.

 

I am on the pill now, and I have forgotten it a couple of times even though I have a daily alarm set on my phone. However I have always noticed the leftover pill in the container, and strictly followed the normal instructions on how to avoid pregnancy (i.e. double up on the pill for a day or two, and tell the man so he won't finish inside for a certain period of time, or else use my diaphragm also during that time). Most women that I know are pretty conscientious about this, as most of us really don't want to be responsible for unplanned children we can't afford outside of wedlock, contrary to some people's idea that having a baby is a free ride. There are women who do have that opinion too, though, so I can understand being cautious esp. if you don't know the woman very well. If you don't know her that well, obviously, keep the condom on! If you're in a serious and committed relationship however I think you should probably know her/trust her enough to trust that she is taking her pill and to believe her when she says she would take a morning after pill, and if you don't trust her then you should probably sit back and ask yourself what that says about your relationship. Possibly it says something about you, that you are jaded and/or paranoid. Possibly it says something about her, and your gut is trying to tell you something.

 

If you trust her but you're really just paranoid about accidents (even with perfect use sometimes the pill doesn't work if the woman is sick, for example, although this is rare), asking to double up on bc is reasonable. I mentioned pulling out in conjunction with her being on the pill, not as a solo method of bc. By itself, pulling out is not a great form of bc, but if the woman is ALSO on the pill, it's about as good as you're going to realistically get and does not put all the onus for bc on her. Condoms obviously take the onus off her, but condoms alone have a higher failure rate than bc pills and withdrawal used together--and if you are monogamous and agreed that you're not worried about STDs, I think it's understandable to want to get rid of condoms, esp. if the man is having trouble because of them. I wouldn't enjoy my sex life as much if I felt like he wasn't enjoying it, too. Anyway, the next woman might be open to the shot, or the IUD, or to bc pills along with a diaphragm. You can help her put the diaphragm in, incorporate that into your sexual routine.

 

If you want kids someday, a vasectomy is a risky choice. You could do it and freeze some sperm, but it will guarantee expensive and invasive-for-the-woman medical procedures in your future.

[Idalis]

If I was a guy I would stick to condoms. Unfortunately I've met too many women that "forgot" to take their pill and ended up pregnant. This forgetfulness always happens at a very opportune moment such as during a difficult or rough patch in the relationship. Not to say ALL women are like that, I know they're not, but if I were a guy I dont think I would take that chance.

 

I would never go on the pill for chemical reasons as I think it has a horrible effect on women, so I think your "pushing" for a shot is harsh as that has even worse effects on women than the pill, and can be quite detrimental to some womens health from what I've heard from friends.

 

My b/f would never be okay with me taking the pill either, I don't see it as him not trusting me at all. We're both part hippies and dont use any medication unless our life is at risk, plus after reading the side effects of the pill on my sisters prescription I nearly passed out.

 

It also sounds like you don't feel comfortable about it, and thats probably the best reason to stick to condoms.

[Stung]

Conversely, a lot of women can't take hormonal bc for health reasons--I had a terrible reaction to being on the Depo shot and wouldn't take more hormonal bc for many years. I've seen people ignorantly state on these boards that women who won't take the pill all just want to get pregnant, obviously a ridiculous statement. If your next gf can't use the pill, much less take the shot, there are still ways to double up on bc methods with or without condoms. I used the diaphragm in conjunction with pulling-out during my fertile time of the month successfully for seven years--although, full disclosure: at the end of those seven years, my husband did slip one past the goalie and our son made a surprise appearance . We had given up on the pulling-out at that point, though.

 

Anyway, you just need to be open about your concerns with whoever you end up with, without being accusatory or putting her on the defensive. Maybe go with her to Planned Parenthood or her gyno to have a big talk about all the different forms of birth control so you both can make informed decisions.

[hearttobreak]

Sounds like it was the right call to end that particular relationship.

 

I am on the pill now, and I have forgotten it a couple of times even though I have a daily alarm set on my phone. However I have always noticed the leftover pill in the container, and strictly followed the normal instructions on how to avoid pregnancy (i.e. double up on the pill for a day or two, and tell the man so he won't finish inside for a certain period of time, or else use my diaphragm also during that time). Most women that I know are pretty conscientious about this, as most of us really don't want to be responsible for unplanned children we can't afford outside of wedlock, contrary to some people's idea that having a baby is a free ride. There are women who do have that opinion too, though, so I can understand being cautious esp. if you don't know the woman very well. If you don't know her that well, obviously, keep the condom on! If you're in a serious and committed relationship however I think you should probably know her/trust her enough to trust that she is taking her pill and to believe her when she says she would take a morning after pill, and if you don't trust her then you should probably sit back and ask yourself what that says about your relationship. Possibly it says something about you, that you are jaded and/or paranoid. Possibly it says something about her, and your gut is trying to tell you something.

 

If you trust her but you're really just paranoid about accidents (even with perfect use sometimes the pill doesn't work if the woman is sick, for example, although this is rare), asking to double up on bc is reasonable. I mentioned pulling out in conjunction with her being on the pill, not as a solo method of bc. By itself, pulling out is not a great form of bc, but if the woman is ALSO on the pill, it's about as good as you're going to realistically get and does not put all the onus for bc on her. Condoms obviously take the onus off her, but condoms alone have a higher failure rate than bc pills and withdrawal used together--and if you are monogamous and agreed that you're not worried about STDs, I think it's understandable to want to get rid of condoms, esp. if the man is having trouble because of them. I wouldn't enjoy my sex life as much if I felt like he wasn't enjoying it, too. Anyway, the next woman might be open to the shot, or the IUD, or to bc pills along with a diaphragm. You can help her put the diaphragm in, incorporate that into your sexual routine.

 

If you want kids someday, a vasectomy is a risky choice. You could do it and freeze some sperm, but it will guarantee expensive and invasive-for-the-woman medical procedures in your future.

 

Not jaded or paranoid, however, when you look at her past bad choices, and emotional problems, one never knows what is really going on in someone else's head. Since an "accident" already happened once before, it was not far fetched from me to consider another "accident" could happen before. She said, on the pill, it is okay to cum in her, however, I never did that. The three or four times we did it without a condom, three were outside, and the last time I decided, in the middle, to put a condom on. 10 or 20 minutes of pure sexual ecstasy was not worth 18 or 21 years of pure baby momma drama. When the responsibility is solely on someone else, it's just really scary to think that she can change my life, should she want to, and I have nothing to say about it. And I am not a bad man to think this way either. These things happen all the time. Raw dog is great, I will tell you, loved it, but not worth the extreme price. Contrary to popular opinion, I do not think with my little head. My brain and common logical sense still rules my life.

[hearttobreak]

I find it inappropriate that you're pushing her to get on BC; it's certainly not a all-or-nothing solution. There are averse side effects to taking it, hormonal imbalance and mood swings can wreck havoc on a woman's body.

 

If you have to have sex, you're going to need to make some sacrifices. Condom has been around for ages, and if it's not for birth control, at least it's effective enough against Stds. Be responsible for yourself if not for her.

 

Never pushed, just suggested it once. She said no, and I dropped it. Suggested diaphragm, she said no too. Suggest IUD, and she said no to that as well. She also said not to anal too. That's another story. But, never pushed her on anything. Her method was to take the BC, and for me to use the pull out method. She said, it always worked before. I said really? Did you notice you have a little child sleeping in the next room? I went back to condoms, but she did not like them. Then, she stopped taking the BC and we just stopped having sex all together. She wasn't very emotionally or mentally stable it seemed. Things got really tense and I left. Again, she just wanted someone to have sex with, not a committed relationship. Her reasoning was that she was not good at them. Whereas, I do not do casual relationships. We had a impasse, and I left. I did contact her not to long after, and she said she hated me and it was wrong for both of us to date. She said she's having more fun now with her new boy she's screwing. No relationship drama, just sex. She said, so much easier. Wished her luck and told her she should use protection. She said she likes the natural feeling. Interestingly, she caught crabs from the guy. Which, she's still consequentially having sex with.

 

So, yep, she's not all there. And if I stayed with her in a casual relationship, chances are, she would had cheated on me and I could had also caught crabs too.

 

What ever happened to morals?

[hearttobreak]

Last time I remember, it takes two people to have sex.

 

Hence the reason why I opted to go back on with condoms, which she did not like. At one point, she wanted me to cum in her so she can feel me better or something. I looked at her like she was nuts. I still think she was trying to trap me into something more. She's evil. I now know this.

[Stung]

Not jaded or paranoid, however, when you look at her past bad choices, and emotional problems, one never knows what is really going on in someone else's head. Since an "accident" already happened once before, it was not far fetched from me to consider another "accident" could happen before. She said, on the pill, it is okay to cum in her, however, I never did that. The three or four times we did it without a condom, three were outside, and the last time I decided, in the middle, to put a condom on. 10 or 20 minutes of pure sexual ecstasy was not worth 18 or 21 years of pure baby momma drama. When the responsibility is solely on someone else, it's just really scary to think that she can change my life, should she want to, and I have nothing to say about it. And I am not a bad man to think this way either. These things happen all the time. Raw dog is great, I will tell you, loved it, but not worth the extreme price. Contrary to popular opinion, I do not think with my little head. My brain and common logical sense still rules my life.

 

Congratulations. I'm not sure why my post seems to have you kind of riled up, maybe you need to read it again. I havent accused you of anything.

[Lucky555]

i had a situation where because I was going to be on BC he "didnt" want to use a condom! I wasnt sure so i didnt do anything. But ugh whats wrong with using protection..nothing so much better to not have to worry. BC pills are not 100 percent effective and i know plenty of people who have had kids while on them so scary.

[hearttobreak]

Like sex after marriage?

 

No, like having another guy in your bed immediately after I left. And everyone knew this guy is trouble. Has multiple sexual partners. What example does that show her child? She's a single mother. She is the most influential person in her child's life. The child has no father figure either. I worry that the child is going to learn bad habits in sexual relationships on how to treat women by how the mother is being treated.

 

That's another story though.

[zengirl]

Why do you want to date a woman who you can't trust to take birth control?

 

I use the pill as my method of birth control. If you look at any medical chart, it is actually MORE effective (particularly a combination pill, which most are) than condoms with both perfect and average use taken into consideration. Neither condoms, nor birth control, are normally used "perfectly" (and neither are 100% effective against anything even with perfect use). Hormonal birth control -- while it has its downsides -- is more effective, in general, than any barrier method.

 

People and people, and they will forget from time to time, but even if a woman takes a pill late every now and again, it's not a big deal and barely effects usage (missing it entirely is a different story, but I've personally never had an issue where that occurs; the key is to carry them with you at all times; my pills stay in my purse or wallet). Even if pills are taken late now and again, via basic human error, BC pills are STILL considered more effective than condoms at perfect use! Of course, if you don't trust someone to take the pill, you should be using a barrier method, because I'd worry about STDs.

[hearttobreak]

Why do you want to date a woman who you can't trust to take birth control?

 

Limited options and interest from her. While, if you knew the whole deal about her life, you will see it was a big thing to take in. Since I did find her attractive and enjoyed her company, it grew into a relationship at first. After a few months, it started to crumble. However, since she already had an "accident", i.e. one child, I did not completely trust her. There were other things too. But, we are now broken up. Just looking forward in the future.

[threebyfate]

hearttobreak, it doesn't sound like you're completely over your ex. You might want to consider working on this aspect.

 

Beyond that, if you're concerned, keep the condom. As a possibility, consider the polyisoprene condoms. They're pretty thin so it's a more natural feel.

[sb129]

Nobody mentioned that condoms protect you from STDs!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hilariously enough, those who have already become pregnant by accident (or by deceit) are far, far more likely to become pregnant by accident a 2nd, 3rd, or 12th time.

 

Stick with the condoms until you turn the corner at a point where you truly want to have a baby with her.