Why am I in love with him?

[26.2]

To start off, I'll let you know that I ended things with him two nights ago. There are a few posts about him on here (referring to him as W). The story goes like this...

 

We both work at the same place. The first time I saw him, I felt a shockwave through my heart and down to my toes. But here's the thing, he's not the hottest guy I've ever dated, seen, etc. I mean, he is very attractive, but it was something altogether different that made me feel the way I did. It was a look in his eyes... a distance, a depth, something contemplative with layers that I wanted to uncover. And at first it was that he hid his eyes from me. He wouldn't look at me at all. He talked to everyone else for about a week before he ever interracted with me. When we finally did, it was because we literally bumped into each other and I introduced myself to him. We shook hands then and it was a very brief intro, he did look at me but did not hold his gaze long. However his eyes flashed and it was electric, I saw something right then that he was trying to conceal.

 

Now I know what he doesn't want me to see is his pain. He suffers from depression admittedly so and it is very deep. I think there may be more to it, such as bipolar or some kind of personality disorder. In any case, what happened from that point of first glance, was that I realized that I had to break up with my current boyfriend because I was not and would never be in love with him. Yes, it was W and just a few short interractions with him that convinced me I needed to do that. It wasn't even what was said, or that I thought we would end up together... It was that, I have spent many many years not feeling a spark for anyone. I was married for nearly 6 years to an emotionally abusive man whom I never did love and every person that I have dated since I have felt nothing for.

 

W was also involved in a relationship at the time. He told me that he knew it wasn't going to work but he had been with her off and on for 3 years. I didn't expect much, but he eventually broke up with her and we started seeing each other. It was far too soon and I should have never jumped into his fresh wounds. But I wanted him so badly, like a hungry animal. I behaved ridiculously and made myself too available and too willing to be physical. Despite my indiscrestions, the physicality confirmed the strange unexplainable connection (at least for me). I cannot get enough of the way he smells and my hands in his hair and the way he looks when we're together: completely wild. He looks at me then. The pain is momentarily covered up by hunger.

 

So all of this intangible electricity is not enough. For the past couple of months, we have been going back and forth because he will open up to me and let me in, confess things to me, and reciprocate the connection... but then he immediately closes off and goes cold. It had been getting better because we were making progress each time and a more patient girl may have stuck the course. However, he is so far gone into his own head and his own mess, that he doesn't seem to be able to think about me and mine. He has cooked for me and taken me out and made love to me and opened up to me on occassion. However, he lacks an interest in what I'm doing with my own life and hardly ever asks about what I'm doing, how my children are, what my plans are for the future. Instead we have spent hours upon hours discussing his life, his career moves, his problems with his mother, his sadness over his grandfather's declining health, why he can't be happy, and even (and more than once) why things fell apart with his ex.

 

I realize that despite what he says, he is still not over his ex and that it was a big mistake on my part to jump into something with him when he was so fresh from a break up. But I wonder how much of his disconnect is due to that circumstance and his depression and how much of it may be just that he is not that into me. Mind you, it is not just a lack of interest in my life, it is a general lackadaisicalness toward the relationship in general. When we have fought (over this particular issue: my initiating phone calls and texts for the most part, his lack of returning texts for hours, the back and forth and closing off emotionally/physically) he will not initiate amends. And I have gone after him every time like a hopelessly devoted puppy.

 

So several nights ago we had been having a great time, he said that a previous night when we went running together was one of the best nights he has had in a long time. He wanted to cook for me and we ate together, we were watching a movie and he asked if he could hold me. We were cuddling and the movie ended. He said that we should go to bed, and I agreed but I looked at him and I just wanted to kiss him for a little bit. We hadn't kissed more than little pecks in a while and I missed it. I ran my hand through his hair and leaned over to kiss him. He reciprocated for about 30 seconds and then sort of turned away. I was so frustrated because I knew he was closing off again. I asked him if he wanted to kiss me and he said yes, but lets go to the bedroom. However, once we got in bed he told me he wanted to read for a little bit.

 

This is when I finally realized that I couldn't take the push and pull anymore. I asked him why he didn't want to kiss me and he said that he didn't know. I laid it all out for him at that point. I said, "Look, I have been in relationships in which I really wasn't that into the guy and I didn't want to kiss them because I didn't feel anything for them." I asked him if I was just a rebound or a time-filler until he found someone he felt passionately about. He got agitated and asked me why I needed definitive answers about our relationship right now and that he didn't know why he closes off. At one point in the "discussion" he told me that he is afraid of getting close to me and then losing me and getting hurt. But I almost felt like he was saying what I wanted to hear at that point.

 

My hunch is that he is just not that into me. So I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. I haven't heard from him for the last two days and he wouldn't look at me at work. However he was writing furiously in his notebook and I know he had started writing some song lyrics. He hardly ever goes on facebook but last night he statused "Some like it hot. Eat more Kung Pao." Not sure if he's just being flippant, if he thinks I overreact, or what. But the fact remains that I am in love with someone who is obviously no good for me. I cannot figure out why I love him and I'm wondering if I've been attracted to his pain and emotional unavailability this whole time. Am I a masochist?

[ConstantCraving]

I cannot figure out why I love him and I'm wondering if I've been attracted to his pain and emotional unavailability this whole time. Am I a masochist?

 

I think you're into him because he didn't flash you a big cheesy grin, ask "how you doin?" and then try to get into your pants.

 

You also mentioned that he IS physically attractive.

 

You know that he is capable of deep feelings. That's attractive to you. Its just a shame that he hasn't demonstrated these deep feelings for you.

[26.2]

Yes, it is a shame. I don't know if he is capable of having sincere deep feelings for me at all though... like ever. He asks me to be patient, but I have this huge gut feeling that if he was truly into me, all of his emotional baggage would be there but not impeding his attraction to me. He just won't come after me. And no, I don't want to play games and test him to see if he would. I just feel as though he won't. I cannot bring myself to try making things work with someone who seems like he could take me or leave me.