lovebird72 Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 My boyfriend of 3 months is still not over his ex. Our first date happened w/in a couple of weeks of their breakup and he told me from the beginning that they'd had a volatile and passionate relationship and that it would take awhile for him to get over her. As a matter of fact, he told me recently that he had initially only wanted a fling with me to get him over the pain of the new break-up. However, something happened between us that neither can explain...we clicked instantly and have progressed a lot in our relationship. I can say for sure, that I'm falling (hard) in love with him and that his feelings are growing for me. We talk about the future, are very open and honest w/ each other, spend all of our time together, etc. However, even though he's made strides in his grieving over the end of his last relationship. And he's assured me time and again that he is not going to get back with her...and he wouldn't leave me for her: He's still not over it...not over her. She's still in his life even though she has a boyfriend (that she left him for) and he still has all her pictures up, old love notes and flowers, etc. She's all over his apartment. I guess my question is: When is enough, enough? Do you think there is a chance he will ever love me?? I don't feel like I can or want to give an ulitmatum b/c we haven't "defined" our situation yet. He has begged for my patience in this matter. I know he's afraid he could lose me over it...but I'm afraid too. Please, any advice would help. I appreciate it.
TooAccepting32 Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 For me to invest my time, emotions, or anything else on a guy, it has to look like a good investment. It may not even be "his fault" if it doesn't look promissing, however it's not reasonable for me to invest unless the signs are there that he is stable and available among other things. That's because I respect myself. His ****ty situation should inconvenience him, not you. Why are you paying the price for his misfortune? It's HIS misfortune. This guy is not available. It would be unacceptable for me to be available to a man who is not over a previous relationship, let alone the fact that he has pictures of another woman in his apartment . It's disrespectful and degrading - and women of quality deserve better than that. You deserve better than that. Don't waste a minute of your time on that guy... not even on thinking about him. My suggestion is to date other people and start to focus on yourself and your life. It would be unreasonable loyalty if you are exclusive with a guy with another woman on his mind. You could even "keep it casual" as a *whatever/maybe* if you don't want to cut ties right away, but the most important thing is that you get him out of your mind, and you are getting on with your life while he gets his **** together. This means not closing other doors with other men, and not sacrificing your time or energy. If he ever becomes available, he'll be lucky if you're still interested.
Author lovebird72 Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 Thanks for your reply. I agree with your sentiment that it's disrespectful to keep her pics up everywhere...especially when I'm staying at his house every night. I don't think I can keep him as around as a "whatever" type of relationship...I care too much about him. It's going to have to be all or nothing. I guess I'm going to have to talk to him (damn!) and tell him he can make a choice...I just have to be prepared for the possibility that I won't win.
TooAccepting32 Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 I think it's great that you know your limitations. In this case, I would first have a conference with myself and decide what my expectations are as the "manager" of my life. I would make the decision for myself and be very clear about what I will accept in my life. Then I would have a talk with him to lay it out there. If his agenda can be compatible with that then great, but if not, he's not right for me. In the past I have made the mistake of being vague... only to get vague results. I later discovered I was still investing in a situation I found unacceptable to me. I suggest being very specific about what you want and don't want when you talk to him.
Author lovebird72 Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 Yes...I've had the same problem with being vague. I'm in the process of writing it all out...my expectations, etc. I will try to pick a good time to talk to him when I'm not too emotional. Thank you for the advice.
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