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Posted
i thought i was doing the right thing by trying to be a good friend to my ex, someone who needs my support

 

Your ex probably does need help since he is a drug addict but not from you.

You can't help him...

 

i know i'm not in love with him now but i think if i can get over the ******* i have a real shot at being happy, i'm just concerned since so many posts have pointed out my selfish ways. even if i can move on from the bad boy and start over with the good guy, am i being unfair to him?

 

No, you're not being unfair to him. We all are selfish in a way or another.

Whatever's happened, happened.

You need to concentrate on the present and where do you go from here.

 

If you believe that you have a shot at being happy with your bf, if you want to forget about your ex and want to fall in love with your bf, you know what you have to do.

Don't beat up yourself about feelings that you "shouldn't have".

You can change the situation you're in and you really don't want things to become any worse, do you?

 

If you can't bear the thought of your bf not knowing what's going on, you can talk to him, but it's very possible that he will end the relationship. Which means that there is a chance that you might go back with your ex and you certainly don't want that!!

 

Cut off communication with your ex and concentrate on your current bf. You think you have a chance of being happy with this man, don't screw it up :)

Posted
I think the biggest service you can do to yourself and the people in your life is get some healing. You clearly have a very high level of dysfunction in your life. You also need to be honest with the current BF and let him know you are in love with someone else. Likely he will end the relationship but that is natural and at least you are being honest. I get the feeling many people have hurt you in a very bad way. I don't know if it was upbringing, relationships, both..or what. Do not be a wrecking ball to others simply because someone else was to you. Get some help and get yourself straightened out so you can stop seeking abusive and self destructive situations.

 

ok so i've thought about it a lot. i've considered telling my bf even though it will undoubtedly mean we are over since its the right thing to do but i'm starting to reconsider. i mean yes it would clear my conscience and i'll have been honest to someone who deserves much more but all it will do is hurt him. as for the bad boy, it seems i have no other choice but to let him go. he is bad news and i shouldn't need a new reason to walk away considering all the things he has put me through in the past. my only other problem is my bf. i already feel like i've betrayed him due to the feelings i have for the other guy and cutting the bad boy out of my life won't magically make me fall in love with my bf and allow us to have a real shot. i still care about him though, so much. i know he is good for me and makes me want to be better but i'm now led to believe that this is selfish. is there nothing i can do to make up for my inappropriate feelings? me being in love with the wrong guy shouldn't mean that i'm not even allowed a chance with possibly the right one, or does it?

 

misswilson, How can he be the right guy? You wouldn't know the right guy if he walked in and popped you in the nose, right now. You have made bad choices but you can stop the domino effect. You can come clean and at least whatever happens was honest. As opposed to not telling him, then everything becomes tainted with dishonesty. I don't think you have very good self esteem or think much of yourself right now, do you want to add to that?

 

Don't get caught up in the "but I can't tell him because it will hurt him" lie. That's a rationalization people who are dishonest and unfaithful use to justify keeping their true colors hidden.

 

You really need to get yourself straightened out or you will hop from one dysfunctional and unhealthy situation to another, and you really WILL rob yourself of happiness.

Posted

Uggh... The only true thing I understand about women is that I don't understand women at all. From your posts your Ex is violet and does drugs and is troubled right now. Therefore, in my opinion, he's skating by in life, not ambitious about anything and has not set any realistic goals for himself.

 

I agree with most here. If you can't find a reason to truely love your Boyfriend. Then you have to let him go. Best friend be damned. People marry the person they love and is ALSO their best friend. If you break up with him, you lose that. In most cases, you can't take a step back from being in a committed relationship to being just friends. You can't break up and shape it into whatever relationship that fits you. That's not fair to him. You lose him, you lose him for good.

 

You have to tell him how you're feeling and let him make the decision if he wants to stay or go. At least you're honest with him.

 

Girls are starting to wake up. Girls used to think that you date the bad boys but you marry the good guys. Girls are starting to realize that this concept is a waste of time. They are starting to look for the guys that are going to work hard for them, provide for them, treat them as a woman should be treated and love them unconditionally and the girl to do the same, a partnership. If your current boyfriend has any of those traits, don't worry. He won't be lonely for long.

Posted
misswilson, How can he be the right guy? You wouldn't know the right guy if he walked in and popped you in the nose, right now. You have made bad choices but you can stop the domino effect. You can come clean and at least whatever happens was honest. As opposed to not telling him, then everything becomes tainted with dishonesty. I don't think you have very good self esteem or think much of yourself right now, do you want to add to that?

 

Don't get caught up in the "but I can't tell him because it will hurt him" lie. That's a rationalization people who are dishonest and unfaithful use to justify keeping their true colors hidden.

 

You really need to get yourself straightened out or you will hop from one dysfunctional and unhealthy situation to another, and you really WILL rob yourself of happiness.

 

Agreed. (sorta...)

 

I don't know the OP well enough to make a judgement about whether she needs to be alone and gain self esteem, maybe get help or that she's fine.

I also agree that the best decision would be to be single until she's over her ex.

 

Again, I have no idea whether the OP has the willpower to do that.

She's not back with her ex because she is with her current bf.

She tells the truth to her bf, she loses him, she goes back to the ex.

And I think we can agree that that is something she shouldn't do.

and no she would not deserve to go back to an abusive relationship.

 

If she's in love with her ex, it would be pretty easy to go back to him if she was to break the relationship with her bf.

 

I think that the first thing you need to do is cut off communication with the ex. Then if you feel that you want to break up with your bf, do it. But make sure you avoid the ex at all costs!

Posted (edited)
I don't agree with some posts that say that your bf "deserves better".

 

so you think a good man deserves a woman that cheats, wants to cheat, or has designs on someone else??

 

but I see that you are also a cheater yourself and your pattern on this site is to come to their defense, so this explains alot.

 

Don't cheat! I can't emphasise this enough.

 

she already has, she is emotionally unfaithful

Edited by Dexter Morgan
Posted
so you think a good man deserves a woman that cheats, wants to cheat, or has designs on someone else??

 

No, not at all. This is not what I suggested at all.

You're saying though that the OP does NOT deserve a good man. She's confused about her feelings and might need help to get through this difficult time and make a decision.

She doesn't seem to be a bad person and she certainly doesn't deserve an abusive bf.

 

but I see that you are also a cheater yourself and your pattern on this site is to come to their defense, so this explains alot.

 

This is a website for support and advice. (in my view anyway).

Yes, I cheated on my bf once and I know how it feels, so I'm trying to be understanding and help, unlike you.

I'm not trying to justify my actions in any way.

Posted
No, not at all. This is not what I suggested at all.

You're saying though that the OP does NOT deserve a good man.

 

she will deserve a good man when she learns how to treat a good man.

 

 

She doesn't seem to be a bad person and she certainly doesn't deserve an abusive bf.

 

and a good man doesn't deserve to be abused by being betrayed.

 

 

This is a website for support and advice.

 

and she got advice, its just that you and she do not like it.

 

 

Yes, I cheated on my bf once and I know how it feels, so I'm trying to be understanding and help, unlike you.

 

telling her to do right by her bf and move on to learn from her choices is unhelpful only to someone like you.

 

sorry the cold hard truth is something someone doesn't want to hear, I know neither her or you want to realize that the best thing for her bf, unless her bf was to decide otherwise, is to set him free.

Posted

She will deserve a good man when she learns how to appreciate one. It is not fair to ask him to carry her baggage when he had no part whatsoever in creating it. She does not deserve an abusive boyfriend but at this point nobody is forcing her to still be in contact with him.

  • Author
Posted

that really is some cold hard truth but i'm glad i've heard it. you say what i already think, i know i've already been unfaithful in an emotional way and nothing will change how bad that makes me feel. my bf is a good man, he is honest and caring and deserves a lot better than what i have been able to give him. cutting the bad boy out may solve one problem but it doesn't fix my dishonesty. i know it'll be hard, heartbreaking more like, but i'm gonna tell my bf. even if it hurts him and i lose him forever at least i can take solace in the fact that i was honest. right? i always thought that if me and him got together it would be perfect. in some ways we are so right for each other. its just a pity that i can't forget the other guy. bad boy or not, i love him.

Posted
that really is some cold hard truth but i'm glad i've heard it. you say what i already think, i know i've already been unfaithful in an emotional way and nothing will change how bad that makes me feel. my bf is a good man, he is honest and caring and deserves a lot better than what i have been able to give him. cutting the bad boy out may solve one problem but it doesn't fix my dishonesty. i know it'll be hard, heartbreaking more like, but i'm gonna tell my bf. even if it hurts him and i lose him forever at least i can take solace in the fact that i was honest. right? i always thought that if me and him got together it would be perfect. in some ways we are so right for each other. its just a pity that i can't forget the other guy. bad boy or not, i love him.

 

You didn't actually cheat. So chances are the honesty will be a relationship positive in the future.

 

It won't hurt your BF that much. Instead it should cause a dip in his trust level... but over time he will be able to trust you even more.

Posted
She will deserve a good man when she learns how to appreciate one. It is not fair to ask him to carry her baggage when he had no part whatsoever in creating it. She does not deserve an abusive boyfriend but at this point nobody is forcing her to still be in contact with him.

 

Congratulations, Woggle. You really learned to become a balanced man. I've been following the way your thoughts and opinions have been evolving. And you really are deserving of praise. :cool:

Posted
i know it'll be hard, heartbreaking more like, but i'm gonna tell my bf. even if it hurts him and i lose him forever at least i can take solace in the fact that i was honest.

 

There can be no true love without honesty. You're doing the right thing. And, sooner or later, you'll be rewarded for it.

Posted
You didn't actually cheat. So chances are the honesty will be a relationship positive in the future.

 

It won't hurt your BF that much.

 

it won't? it may not, nobody will know but the bf if/when he is told what happened.

 

She did cheat emotionally.

 

and as far as it won't hurt the bf?

 

lets see. if a gf of mine came to me and said she has feelings/attractions for another man and is resisting the urge to cheat(because she wants it), ya...I'm sure I'd blow it off and not be hurt.:rolleyes:

Posted

"bad boy or not, I love him"

 

Uggh...You know what? Just break up with your boyfriend. Be honest and tell him that you're in love with a violent drug addict.

 

Look, I don't know you from Jane. And I don't know your Ex, but Answer me these few questions. Has he EVER been violent towards you or in your presence? Yes or No. Has he ever been around you high as hell and doing stupid stuff? Yes or No. Has he ever done drugs in your presence? Yes or No. Has he ever veribally abused you; called you foul names, been extremely rude to you? Yes or No.

 

If you answer yes to any of those, I don't know how you could love that.

Posted

The whole "I have a good man, but still I'm in love with my abusive ex, who never treated me as good as my current man" has baffled me for quite some time, and probably will always baffle me.

 

Can I ask you some questions, misswilson? What exactly are you (I know the distance is an issue, but disregarding that) not getting in your current relationship? Why can't your good man be looked at as the #1 guy? And lastly: what is it about your ex that makes you so tempted to cheat? If you admitted he's a bad boy, why even associate with someone like that? If your man lived close to you, would this still be a problem?

 

I'm just trying to really understand why this happens so often.

Posted

Does everything always have to be stated in code?

 

Isn't it really

 

BF 1 rocks her in the sack but she thinks he is just misunderstood and if I could fix him I get the sex and everything else I want. I'll put up with abuse until that day.

 

and

 

BF2 is a great guy and is so-so in the sack. But even though he puts down the toilet seat BF 1 has a physical attribute he can't match. BF 2 only treats me well, why is that not enough?

Posted

Folks,

 

don't be so hard on the OP.

 

She actually sounds like a pretty typical female.

 

We have heard the exact same attitude and exact same story over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

 

She is the norm.

 

It is us, the men (and some women) who retain this idealized notion of what a young woman in our society "should" be like or is "supposed" to be like. Like some girl from the farm out of a Laura Ingalls Wilder book.

 

Not so, it's far more likely that the typical young lady nowadays is going to be a poor man's Paris Hilton.

 

Look, this doesn't represent a real change, look at the chick from "Wuthering Heights." What was her name?

 

Catherine Earmshaw?

 

Look at Pride and Prejudice, look at Jude the Obscure--literature is filled with tales of idealized women, pedastaled by the "nice guys" who love them, who turn out to be nothing better than b*tches, wh*res, and sl*ts.

 

Their ain't nuthin' wrong with OP.

 

 

MissWilson, you go do whatever you want. Screw around on good bf with bad boy all you want. Cuckold the poor guy, get pregnant by bad boy, marry stupid reliable loser.

 

That's your best chance of passing along your DNA to the next generation--impregnation by the stud, with the good guy/beta raising the child to adulthood.

 

You go girl. Natural selection in action.

 

As a matter of fact MissWilson, that's precisely why you and a lot of people like you are here on planet Earth in the first place. Your behaviors and attitudes are evolutionarily successful for the female of the species.

Posted

Ultimately, the OP will do whatever she wants. However, she's going to learn the hard way and when it happens, I hate to say I won't have any sympathy. Women with self-esteem would not be in such a situation.

Posted
Congratulations, Woggle. You really learned to become a balanced man. I've been following the way your thoughts and opinions have been evolving. And you really are deserving of praise. :cool:

 

Thank you. I am not trying to beat up on the OP but she has a lot of work to do on herself and it would be better for her to let both men go until she does that work.

Posted

OP,

earlier you said you can't control how you feel but you can control how you act. When you decided to let your ex back in, you knew exactly what you were doing. You knew the two of you couldn't be friends, just like you now know that you are using your good bf.

 

Honestly right now you don't deserve a good man because that is not what you want. Tell your bf the truth and get rid of the ex.

 

Gain some confidence and you will no longer what trashy ex's around

Posted
Agreed. (sorta...)

 

I don't know the OP well enough to make a judgement about whether she needs to be alone and gain self esteem, maybe get help or that she's fine.

I also agree that the best decision would be to be single until she's over her ex.

 

Gabby, no one with healthy self esteem or sense of health remains friends with someone who abused them. Now, the love part is one thing - because it could certainly be true that he put on an act and by the time she was emotionally hooked, it was too late - and then she found out his true colors. I can understand that can happen, but when it does? People with good self esteem leave, regardless of their feelings and they certainly don't look to befriend that person.

 

Again, I have no idea whether the OP has the willpower to do that.

She's not back with her ex because she is with her current bf.

She tells the truth to her bf, she loses him, she goes back to the ex.

And I think we can agree that that is something she shouldn't do.

and no she would not deserve to go back to an abusive relationship.

 

You know, I see this a lot and I don't understand the mindset. "If she tells the truth he/she loses him/her" I read that quite a bit. If being honest with a person means you will lose them, does that not tell you something? Clearly that is not a relationship you should be in if being honest means the end of it. No one should ever be in an abusive relationship, period. It should not be a matter of "Well it's either the abuser or the nice guy".

 

If she's in love with her ex, it would be pretty easy to go back to him if she was to break the relationship with her bf.

 

I think that the first thing you need to do is cut off communication with the ex. Then if you feel that you want to break up with your bf, do it. But make sure you avoid the ex at all costs!

 

I think absolutely she should avoid the ex. Be honest with the current BF and let him decide if he'd like to proceed.

Posted
that really is some cold hard truth but i'm glad i've heard it. you say what i already think, i know i've already been unfaithful in an emotional way and nothing will change how bad that makes me feel. my bf is a good man, he is honest and caring and deserves a lot better than what i have been able to give him. cutting the bad boy out may solve one problem but it doesn't fix my dishonesty. i know it'll be hard, heartbreaking more like, but i'm gonna tell my bf. even if it hurts him and i lose him forever at least i can take solace in the fact that i was honest. right? i always thought that if me and him got together it would be perfect. in some ways we are so right for each other. its just a pity that i can't forget the other guy. bad boy or not, i love him.

 

Hey Misswilson,

 

I commend you for your honesty. Even if things don't work out - you will know you did the right thing and were honest. I'm just worried about you because you were in a relationship with an abusive person, I don't want to see you fall into that again. Being in an abusive relationship often changes your thinking and it becomes dysfunctional and blurred. Most people need some kind of counselling or therapy after surviving an abusive relationship because of that. There's no shame in it and nothing to feel bad about. Getting help is a wonderful thing to do for yourself.

Posted

#1 - Do not cheat on your boyfriend! You will regret it and hate yourself for it.

 

#2 - Tell your boyfriend that you are having feelings for someone else. If you think you want your relationship with him to work, tell him so. Say, "I want things to work for us, and in order for that to happen I have to be totally honest about how I feel. I want to work through this and I hope you can be patient while I figure out my feelings."

 

#3 - Figure out your feelings.

 

 

Look, you definitely DO NOT want to go back to your ex. But it's understandable that you still have feelings for him. And you need to take a step back and figure that out. It's likely that you're too concerned about ruining things with your BF to think clearly about how you actually feel. The fact that you are long distance leaves a void in your physical needs. And now your ex is right there ready to fulfill them. But it's a trap. In the end you'll just end up getting hurt, and probably hurting all other parties involved. You have to detach and reevaluate. You know that your ex is bad news. So you have to get your heart straight with your head. And everything is too cloudy right now because you're in the midst of a deception. You're deceiving your BF about how you really feel.

 

Your BF will most likely respond negatively to your revelation about having feelings for your ex. He may well want to break up with you over it. But don't freak out about that. People do get back together. And taking a break might be exactly what you need. If you're BF can't handle it, then maybe he's not such a great guy after all. But if you're clear and honest and don't get all dramatic about it, he should be able to understand. It may even prompt him to come down to where you are and win you back over. If he's sucha great guy, that shouldn't be too hard for him to do. Long distance relationships are tough and take effort to make them work. If you're having a little crush on your ex scares him off, then the long distance thing was never going to work in the first place.

 

I repeat again - under no circumstances should you hook up with your ex. He is bad news. It's probably best to cut all contact with him. I know you think he's your friend right now, but he's not. If you really want to, he may be able to be your friend in the future. But not right now. He is toxic for you right now. Be patient. If you're meant to be friends, you will be. If your ex is any kind of friend, he will respect your need to sever contact for the time being.

 

And don't be so codependent to think that he needs you or you need him. You sound like you have a codependent thing going with your ex and I strongly recommend that you go buy a copy of Codependent No More and read it right away. It's absolutely fantastic and can save you from wasting your energy trying to save someone like your ex. You can't control his behavior and you shouldn't try. It's bad for and will ruin your life.

 

Be up front and honest with your BF. I know it's hard. But it's much better than having to confess to cheating on him down the line. And it's way better than having to live with the guilt. Be honest and clear the air. It may put a bump in your current "good" relationship, but you will feel so much better about yourself. And he will have the information he deserves. He is fair enough to trust you. You should be fair enough to earn that trust.

 

Believe me, I've been in a similar position as you and made the wrong decisions and it has almost completely ruined my life. I'm still working through it and trying to salvage the pieces. But I just wish I had done what I'm telling you to do here. It will save you so much torment in the end.

  • Author
Posted

thanks again for all your comments, hard to hear or not they make a lot of sense. yes is the answer to all chi townd's questions and as for those asked by cracker jack, i get a lot from my r'ship with my bf, contrary to what michaelangelo suggested, my bf is great in bed, its not a matter of comparison between them they are two very different people and as a result very different lovers, the ex is sexually aggressive as you could guess whereas my bf is fun and playful, i never feel pressured by him. thats not all though, so many people have speculated about my self-esteem and mental health and admittedly they could both be a hell of a lot better. i have a lot going on in my life and suffer from depression as well, my bf has always been there when i needed him, even before we started dating. he is funny and sweet and i feel relaxed around him, more like myself. i think the power that my ex has over me is that we have such a long history together. we've known each other since we were toddlers and i will always feel a certain loyalty towards him. a lot of the things i'm going through have affected him too since our families are so close. my mums death hurt him almost as much as it did me and his parents divorce affects me too. he understands me more than anyone. we both hit the self-destruct button at any sign of distress and we usually spiral out of control together. i know this is not good, and i have tried for so long to separate myself from it. it may be unbelieveable but i want to get better, i want to be happy and him being in my life isn't gonna make that easy. i've known for a long time i need to let him go and save himself rather than sinking me with him, its just hard to do. my bf has tried to understand the complicated r'ship i have with this person and before we started dating we both voiced our worry about my ex coming home and how it would affect us. he probably sees this coming to be honest. the fact that the r'ship we have is long distance could well be another factor, when i'm having a hard time its not an option to seek solace with him since hes so far away and therefore i naturally go to my ex for comfort. i know i shouldn't but he is where i am in more ways than one. he turns to drugs to deal with his problems whereas i used to turn to other things, casual sex being one of them. it meant nothing and made me feel pathetic but it provided a distraction from things i found hard to cope with. it was my defense mechanism for so long and although i realise i need to grow up and take control it would be so easy to regress. all i can do it distance myself from my ex, talk to my bf and go from there. who knows it might actually be a good thing!

  • 1 month later...
  • Author
Posted

i was going to start a new thread but it seems silly repeating a lot of the same story. the last time i posted i said that i was going to try to distance myself from my ex and work things out with my bf. since then a lot has happened. my ex kissed me out of the blue when he was helping me pack to move house and contrary to what i thought i would do i immediately asked him to leave. despite this and ignoring all his calls a week later he came to my house and attacked me, he even tried to force himself on me. i still have scars on my body and this happened before christmas. in all the years i have known and fought with him i've never been scared believing he would never seriously hurt me cause in his own twisted way i know he cares. but this was different. he had been off drugs for quite a long time and had been doing really well. i was his only real friend though since it was safer for him to stay away from old friends with drug habits. i think that me rejecting him and asking him to leave was the final straw on an already unstable rehabilitation and he spiralled out of control, taking it out on me. since this i have changed my number and have moved to a new address which he does not know. i haven't seen or heard from him. i also came clean about everything to my boyfriend i told him about my feelings for my ex, the kiss and the rest and somehow he is still there, helping me through it. he said that it is hard knowing i'm still in love with someone else but that he knew this before we started dating he just hadn't heard me say the words, and that he couldn't fault my actions when it came to the two incidents since i rejected the ex and immediately told him what happened. i have been brutally honest and i think it has actually strengthened our relationship, he said the jealousy and mistrust he once had is gone since the one person he thought i might be tempted to cheat with is out of the picture and the fact that i refused him means i would more than likely refuse anyone plus he doesn't worry about the long distance thing anymore. the only problem that remains is that i am still struggling to get over him as crazy as that sounds. he has been in my life since forever and we've been to hell and back together. every song reminds me of him and feel like i see him everywhere i go. i worry about him and what he is doing, i miss him and all the fun times we did have just laughing and drinking and talking ****e. he knows me inside out and vice versa, plus he sees the darker side of life the way i do which is the only thing my bf and i ever really disagree on, he is so logical and optimistic whereas i become engrossed in my own emotions and feel hopeless at times. my ex was someone i could sit with not saying anything but knowing he totally understood how awful i felt because he was feeling it too. weird but i miss that. i feel under pressure to move on since my bf has been so amazing about everything but i still feel emotionally torn between them. what can i do? i need help.

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