misswilson Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 ok, so i'm new to this and have no idea what i'm doing. my problem is simple; i'm in a long distance relationship with a guy i've been best friends with for years. he is sweet and good to me and trusts me completely. thing is, my ex boyfriend who he hates is back in my life and we are trying to be friends. even though he is on drugs and has been violent in the past i'm still so in love with him and it's getting harder to be around him without cheating on my boyfriend. what do i do? give up on a good relationship for one that will inevitably end in tears or continue to feel bad about being in love with someone else? it may seem like the obvious answer is to stay away from my ex but that won't change how i feel and he has nobody else. sorry its so long. thank you
Don_da_Ho Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Get as far away from the Ex BF as possible. No more being friends. He's bad news. No you shouldn't cheat. Especially with that Ex. Then you should look long and hard at why you chose to be in love with guys that are bad news. I think it's time for you to grow up and stop making bad choices. If you don't love the guy that you have a LDR with, then break it off because he's the wrong guy, not for some P.O.S. Good luck!
reservoirdog1 Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 You're in what you describe as a "good relationship" which, I get the impression, lacks sufficient strength in terms of feelings to equal what you still feel for your ex. Plus, the "good relationship" is long distance. I think you should break up with your LD boyfriend. Your heart's not in fully in it, and you're tempted to cheat on him. I think that by "good relationship" you mean one that you think, intellectually, you SHOULD be satisfied with, even though you're clearly not. It's nobody's fault if you're not satisfied in your relationship; that's just the way it is. Best to be real about it. Once you've ended things with your LDBF, you can then make a more realistic assessment of things with your druggie ex. In my view you should probably stay away from him, given that you already know how it's going to end, but that's just me, and only you can make the choice. At least if you break up with your LDBF first, you can get involved/not get involved with the ex without hurting a third person in the process.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 ok, so i'm new to this and have no idea what i'm doing. my problem is simple; i'm in a long distance relationship with a guy i've been best friends with for years. he is sweet and good to me and trusts me completely. nice guys finish last, you are proof of that. thing is, my ex boyfriend who he hates is back in my life and we are trying to be friends. even though he is on drugs and has been violent in the past i'm still so in love with him and it's getting harder to be around him without cheating on my boyfriend. what do i do? since your bf is trusting and a good man, he deserves better. break up with your bf. give up on a good relationship for one that will inevitably end in tears or continue to feel bad about being in love with someone else? what good relationship? he is a good guy that trusts you, and you are someone that can't be trusted. it may be a good relationship for you since he treats you well, but it is NOT a good relationship for your bf. he deserves someone that won't even let f#####g him over enter her mind. he deserves someone good and decent as well. it may seem like the obvious answer is to stay away from my ex but that won't change how i feel and he has nobody else. yup, so set your bf free from you so he can find happiness with someone who can be trusted.
Author misswilson Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 i honestly don't what to say. i mean i realise that i'm in the wrong but i can't help how i feel. so far it seems that everyone is in agreement that i should break up with my bf for various justified reasons no less but i wouldn't just be losing a bf i'd be losing a best friend. does nobody think i can make it work? i appreciate everyones posts, they are very honest and make a lot of sense even if they are hard to hear. i'm just confused, i don't want to lose either one but it seems that i'm supposed to leave both.
Woggle Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Why on earth would you be attracted to a violent drug addict? When you think of your ideal man does violent drug addict fit the criteria?
karnak Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 This society is getting weirder and weirder. My brain hurts...
Chi townD Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Okay, you have a ex who is doing drugs and is violent ( I'm assuming towards you in some way, shape or fashion ) and all around "bad boy". Well, if he does drugs, which is bad. And he gets violent which is bad. Then, logically, is only a matter of time before this guy starts treating you badly! Question! Does this guy know that you are already in a relationship with someone? If so, I believe that he's flirting with you and you like the attention. What does that say about him? He doesn't give a damn about your current relationship; therefore, he doesn't give a damn about you. He's only concerned about what he can get from you. Bad news and you are in a fog.
reservoirdog1 Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 i honestly don't what to say. i mean i realise that i'm in the wrong but i can't help how i feel. so far it seems that everyone is in agreement that i should break up with my bf for various justified reasons no less but i wouldn't just be losing a bf i'd be losing a best friend. does nobody think i can make it work? i appreciate everyones posts, they are very honest and make a lot of sense even if they are hard to hear. i'm just confused, i don't want to lose either one but it seems that i'm supposed to leave both. You're right, you can't help how you feel. But you CAN help how you act in response to your feelings. I know you don't want to lose either of them, but unfortunately, based on what you've written, you're going to have to lose one of them. If you want your relationship with your BF to have a chance -- and not be colossally unfair to him -- you need to go immediate no contact with your ex. Period. Full stop. No emails, no phone calls, no coffee, no friendship. There isn't room in your relationship with your BF for a guy you have a strong urge to cheat with. There just isn't. Hopefully you can understand why. Try to put yourself in your BF's shoes for a moment: say you were dating a guy, knowing that he was completely hung up on his EXGF, so much so that he was having to restrain himself from cheating on you with her. How would YOU feel?
Author misswilson Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 in response to both those posts, yes he is a stereotypical bad boy and i'm a total cliche for falling for it. he does know i'm in a r'ship but he hasn't been flirting, everything so far is completely platonic, he asks about my bf and wants to know its going well. true this could be his way of pretending to be nice and understanding just to get close to me again or he could be actually trying to be a good friend. either way i realise that you are right, he is bad news, i know that from experience and the only way i'm gonna get over him and give my bf a chance is by cutting him out of my life. i don't want to, and i can't exactly tell him why i'm doing it considering he has done nothing to prompt it but i'll try. my only question is do you think its fair to continue acting normal with my boyfriend? should i tell him, break up with him, leave him totally oblivious? i already feel bad, i don't wanna make things worse!
Woggle Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Just break up with your bf and continue with the bad boy. The smart thing to do would be forget the violent guy ever existed but sadly it seems you will have to learn the hard way so stop dragging an innocent guy into it and then do what you want.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 i honestly don't what to say. i mean i realise that i'm in the wrong but i can't help how i feel. and that should be your boyfriend's problem...it should be yours and yours alone. so far it seems that everyone is in agreement that i should break up with my bf for various justified reasons no less but i wouldn't just be losing a bf i'd be losing a best friend. the only reason for you to stay with the bf is for your own selfish end. if you have these feelings that you can't deny, then you aren't fit for a committed relationship. does nobody think i can make it work? sure, you can make it work....for you. but you'd be keeping him in the dark not knowing what kind of girlfriend he really has. and this won't be the last time you cheat or even think about it. the relationship is young, time won't make you more faithful. i appreciate everyones posts, they are very honest and make a lot of sense even if they are hard to hear. i'm just confused, i don't want to lose either one but it seems that i'm supposed to leave both. no, just leave your bf. I don't think anyone here really cares what happens to the guy that knows you have a bf and doesn't care if you do. bottom line, a great guy deserves a great woman, and one that won't disrespect him in this way. you are suffering from the bad boy syndrome. You have yourself a good guy, but you are attracted to this bad boy, so set your bf free from you so you can have your bad boy.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Why on earth would you be attracted to a violent drug addict? When you think of your ideal man does violent drug addict fit the criteria? thats the think that is an even bigger slap in her boyfriend's face...getting effed over for a real piece of crap.
Woggle Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 thats the think that is an even bigger slap in her boyfriend's face...getting effed over for a real piece of crap. This would be like me cheating on my wife with my ex but of course I have no desire whatsoever to do it.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 my only question is do you think its fair to continue acting normal with my boyfriend? absolutely not should i tell him, break up with him yes, and yes leave him totally oblivious? well, leaving him and telling him the truth would be the right thing to do, but if you left him and never came clean, thats better than holding him hostage in a relationship with a cheater.
hoping2heal Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 ok, so i'm new to this and have no idea what i'm doing. my problem is simple; i'm in a long distance relationship with a guy i've been best friends with for years. he is sweet and good to me and trusts me completely. thing is, my ex boyfriend who he hates is back in my life and we are trying to be friends. even though he is on drugs and has been violent in the past i'm still so in love with him and it's getting harder to be around him without cheating on my boyfriend. what do i do? give up on a good relationship for one that will inevitably end in tears or continue to feel bad about being in love with someone else? it may seem like the obvious answer is to stay away from my ex but that won't change how i feel and he has nobody else. sorry its so long. thank you I think the biggest service you can do to yourself and the people in your life is get some healing. You clearly have a very high level of dysfunction in your life. You also need to be honest with the current BF and let him know you are in love with someone else. Likely he will end the relationship but that is natural and at least you are being honest. I get the feeling many people have hurt you in a very bad way. I don't know if it was upbringing, relationships, both..or what. Do not be a wrecking ball to others simply because someone else was to you. Get some help and get yourself straightened out so you can stop seeking abusive and self destructive situations.
wicar1 Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 do the right thing. Be honest with your bf, Tell him everything and give him the opportunity tostay or leave this relationship. He deserves that. The best thing you can do is leave your bf. He deserves a better person than you.
karnak Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I think the biggest service you can do to yourself and the people in your life is get some healing. You clearly have a very high level of dysfunction in your life. You also need to be honest with the current BF and let him know you are in love with someone else. Likely he will end the relationship but that is natural and at least you are being honest. I get the feeling many people have hurt you in a very bad way. I don't know if it was upbringing, relationships, both..or what. Do not be a wrecking ball to others simply because someone else was to you. Get some help and get yourself straightened out so you can stop seeking abusive and self destructive situations. I'd suggest you follow this advice.
Author misswilson Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 ok so i've thought about it a lot. i've considered telling my bf even though it will undoubtedly mean we are over since its the right thing to do but i'm starting to reconsider. i mean yes it would clear my conscience and i'll have been honest to someone who deserves much more but all it will do is hurt him. as for the bad boy, it seems i have no other choice but to let him go. he is bad news and i shouldn't need a new reason to walk away considering all the things he has put me through in the past. my only other problem is my bf. i already feel like i've betrayed him due to the feelings i have for the other guy and cutting the bad boy out of my life won't magically make me fall in love with my bf and allow us to have a real shot. i still care about him though, so much. i know he is good for me and makes me want to be better but i'm now led to believe that this is selfish. is there nothing i can do to make up for my inappropriate feelings? me being in love with the wrong guy shouldn't mean that i'm not even allowed a chance with possibly the right one, or does it?
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 ok so i've thought about it a lot. i've considered telling my bf even though it will undoubtedly mean we are over since its the right thing to do but i'm starting to reconsider. i mean yes it would clear my conscience and i'll have been honest to someone who deserves much more but all it will do is hurt him. as for the bad boy, it seems i have no other choice but to let him go. he is bad news and i shouldn't need a new reason to walk away considering all the things he has put me through in the past. my only other problem is my bf. i already feel like i've betrayed him due to the feelings i have for the other guy and cutting the bad boy out of my life won't magically make me fall in love with my bf and allow us to have a real shot. i still care about him though, so much. i know he is good for me and makes me want to be better but i'm now led to believe that this is selfish. is there nothing i can do to make up for my inappropriate feelings? me being in love with the wrong guy shouldn't mean that i'm not even allowed a chance with possibly the right one, or does it? Wait... so you actually cheated? I'm confused... what do you need to confess to? You jumped into a new relationship before you were completely over the old one. That is the only thing you need to communicate to your BF. Look, feelings change like the wind and it doesn't always make sense. If you've decided now that you can't ever love your BF because right now your feeling something for your Ex... I think that is silly and naive. BF is a long ways away... and it's hard to feel in love with a guy you don't see much, especially when compared to a guy you see all the time. Cut the Ex out 100%, no contact... find a way to have more face time with the BF... and your feelings will naturally sort themselves out.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 ok so i've thought about it a lot. i've considered telling my bf even though it will undoubtedly mean we are over since its the right thing to do but i'm starting to reconsider. i mean yes it would clear my conscience and i'll have been honest to someone who deserves much more but all it will do is hurt him. as for the bad boy, it seems i have no other choice but to let him go. its not about clearing your consscious. Its about you good man deserving so much better. and if you are thinking about keeping him in the dark and simply letting go of your bad boy, then your bf still has someone that would no sooner cheat on him given the perfect opportunity. Your bf will still have someone that isn't trustworthy. you said it yourself you have these feelings you cannot deny, which makes you unfit for committment. for you bf's sake, and really, for your own, break it off and stay single with no committments. because this isn't the last time you are going to have these feelings and seriously consider acting on them
gabby898 Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 As it has already been mentioned, you can't keep a relationship with both these guys. You have to choose! No, you can't keep your ex for friends. You're in love with him, but you know that the logic thing to do is to forget all about your ex and stay in the relationship with your current bf. I don't agree with some posts that say that your bf "deserves better". Don't ever think like that. Just because that's the way you feel, it doesn't mean you're not worthy for your bf or that you can't be with him. You can fall out of love with your ex. You can gradually but quickly stop contacting him. Maybe explain to him. Tell him that you can't be friends with him because you're in another relationship now and you find it weird. It would be better to not let him know that you still have feelings for him. If you stop talking to him and seeing him, your feelings will disappear. Especially if you think to yourself that you've got someone else who is soooo much better! And yes you can fall in love with your bf. But you need to forget the ex first. Don't cheat! I can't emphasise this enough. It'll only make you hate yourself and create guilt. (as far as you are concerned). You can still fix this and you know how. Best of luck
gabby898 Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 ok so i've thought about it a lot. i've considered telling my bf even though it will undoubtedly mean we are over since its the right thing to do but i'm starting to reconsider. i mean yes it would clear my conscience and i'll have been honest to someone who deserves much more but all it will do is hurt him. as for the bad boy, it seems i have no other choice but to let him go. he is bad news and i shouldn't need a new reason to walk away considering all the things he has put me through in the past. my only other problem is my bf. i already feel like i've betrayed him due to the feelings i have for the other guy and cutting the bad boy out of my life won't magically make me fall in love with my bf and allow us to have a real shot. i still care about him though, so much. i know he is good for me and makes me want to be better but i'm now led to believe that this is selfish. is there nothing i can do to make up for my inappropriate feelings? me being in love with the wrong guy shouldn't mean that i'm not even allowed a chance with possibly the right one, or does it? Don't be so hard on yourself... You can't help the way you feel, so don't feel bad about your feelings. You can change your feelings but it will take effort from you and some time. I don't think that your bf needs to know about this. It'll only hurt him and create trust issues between you and him. If you can deal with it yourself, do it. For your own good, you shouldn't be with your ex and you know that. For your own good, you should be with your bf! It might sound selfish, but it's not really. If you're honest with your bf, it will clear YOUR conscience and hurt HIM. Be selfless and deal with the issue yourself. You don't have to be in love with your bf right away. These things take time.
Cracker Jack Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 If you're sure you can let the ex go, then it's possible you can proceed with your current bf. However, as you said--letting the ex go doesn't mean things will magically make your current relationship stronger than before, so even if the ex is no longer in your life, you'll still likely be in love with him. Situations like this are bad--especially for the new guy/girl in a relationship. Sounds to me like you probably shouldn't be in a relationship right now.
Author misswilson Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 thanks gabby898. i really want to make things work with my bf, i mean i know i'm not being fair on him right now but i thought i was doing the right thing by trying to be a good friend to my ex, someone who needs my support and letting the past go but it seems i obviously can't separate the two. my bf was my best friend for years before we hooked up and breaking up with him, despite promises that we wouldn't let it affect our friendship would undoubtedly change things, especially if i admit my true feelings. i know i'm not in love with him now but i think if i can get over the ******* i have a real shot at being happy, i'm just concerned since so many posts have pointed out my selfish ways. even if i can move on from the bad boy and start over with the good guy, am i being unfair to him?
Recommended Posts