MM's relationship with ex

[kmm111]

My MM and I had an A and ended up leaving our spouses to be together. It's been 3 months and things have been stressful but good for the most part. However, I guess I am having a little trouble dealing with his relationship with his W (soon to be ex).

We had both been married for 2 years but our situations are different because of this: I don't have any kids but he has a family that he left - one biological child with her and one stepchild. He admits that he misses the kids very much and misses being there for his biological son everyday. While I have no contact with my ex H anymore, MM has to obviously remain in constant contact with his wife because of the child, but she is still trying to convince him to come back, even after finding out about our EA which turned physical. She knows MM and I are together now but it doesn't matter, she still wants him back uses the kids to make him feel guilty about him leaving.

I guess I am still scared that he will "go back" or be tempted to go back by what she's been saying to him. I know he loves me very much, but I'm afraid that love won't be strong enough to make up for the loss he feels without his family. It's only been 3 months; how long am I supposed to feel this way? It bothers me that she'll just take him back after he literally chose another women over her, but I guess I can't control how she deals with the situation.

[OWoman]

My MM and I had an A and ended up leaving our spouses to be together. It's been 3 months and things have been stressful but good for the most part. However, I guess I am having a little trouble dealing with his relationship with his W (soon to be ex).

We had both been married for 2 years but our situations are different because of this: I don't have any kids but he has a family that he left - one biological child with her and one stepchild. He admits that he misses the kids very much and misses being there for his biological son everyday. While I have no contact with my ex H anymore, MM has to obviously remain in constant contact with his wife because of the child, but she is still trying to convince him to come back, even after finding out about our EA which turned physical. She knows MM and I are together now but it doesn't matter, she still wants him back uses the kids to make him feel guilty about him leaving.

I guess I am still scared that he will "go back" or be tempted to go back by what she's been saying to him. I know he loves me very much, but I'm afraid that love won't be strong enough to make up for the loss he feels without his family. It's only been 3 months; how long am I supposed to feel this way? It bothers me that she'll just take him back after he literally chose another women over her, but I guess I can't control how she deals with the situation.

 

He misses his kids - that's to be expected. That needn't undermine your security, though. I gather their D is still in progress? So he needs to negotiate shared custody (depending on how old the kids are - whether issues like breastfeeding come into play) that allows him sufficient time with the kids at his place, in his home, so that he doesn't need to associate the kid/s with "her home" and feel drawn back there. He can build a new life which features the kid/s without her around - she does not have to be part of the "kids" scenario for him.

 

If he's going to settle for being a "second weekend" dad then of course he'll miss them far more than if he gets a fair 50% custody deal.

 

Good luck!

[greengoddess]

You happily had an affair with him knowing full well he was married and with another woman and yet it bothers you that she would take the man she is married to back because he went to you another woman.

 

I must say I am confused. The double standards always amaze me.

 

You have to let this guy find his way. Has he begun divorce proceedings? Does he have a written separation agreement? Is he showing you with actions, not words, that he is moving to make a life with you? You can't pressure him and you can't be the jealous nag. It will just drive him away.

[kmm111]

Well, she doesn't want a divorce from him. She won't agree to sign a separation agreement and if he files for divorce, she will contest to it. He doesn't have the money right now to pay legal fees (it's a really bad financial situation) and there will sure be a lot of them considering she is going to make the divorce very difficult.

[greengoddess]

Well, she doesn't want a divorce from him. She won't agree to sign a separation agreement and if he files for divorce, she will contest to it. He doesn't have the money right now to pay legal fees (it's a really bad financial situation) and there will sure be a lot of them considering she is going to make the divorce very difficult.

 

Ok sorry. That is excuses and I think you know it. She certainly does not have to want a divorce for him to proceed with one. Of course a divorce will be difficult. Are you not worth the effort? Tell him he needs to show some forward progress on the ending of his marriage for you to continue with him. After all you did it for him even though it was difficult. Do they have any sort of custody agreement? How often is he seeing his kid?

[OWoman]

Well, she doesn't want a divorce from him. She won't agree to sign a separation agreement and if he files for divorce, she will contest to it. He doesn't have the money right now to pay legal fees (it's a really bad financial situation) and there will sure be a lot of them considering she is going to make the divorce very difficult.

 

 

Uh oh. This sounds like lots of drama lies ahead. Do you have the stomach for it? It will get ugly...

[Confused4Now]

Well, she doesn't want a divorce from him. She won't agree to sign a separation agreement and if he files for divorce, she will contest to it. He doesn't have the money right now to pay legal fees (it's a really bad financial situation) and there will sure be a lot of them considering she is going to make the divorce very difficult.

This is why it's so important for two people who have come out of marriages who choose to be with each other need to be on their own for a bit. Jumping from one situation to another can be confusing at times. Doesn't it scare you that you might exhibit some behavior stuff that his xW does. Which in turn might make him think? hmmmmmmm Why the hell did I leave my W to go into something like this?...

[BB07]

You can't control him or her or demand that he handle it a certain way more to your liking. All you can do is control yourself and if I were you I'd be very wary and do all you can to protect yourself and prepare for the possibility that he very well may go back. As much as you dislike it and as hard as it will be, it's something that your mm will have to work through by himself.

[whichwayisup]

My MM and I had an A and ended up leaving our spouses to be together. It's been 3 months and things have been stressful but good for the most part. However, I guess I am having a little trouble dealing with his relationship with his W (soon to be ex).

We had both been married for 2 years but our situations are different because of this: I don't have any kids but he has a family that he left - one biological child with her and one stepchild. He admits that he misses the kids very much and misses being there for his biological son everyday. While I have no contact with my ex H anymore, MM has to obviously remain in constant contact with his wife because of the child, but she is still trying to convince him to come back, even after finding out about our EA which turned physical. She knows MM and I are together now but it doesn't matter, she still wants him back uses the kids to make him feel guilty about him leaving.

I guess I am still scared that he will "go back" or be tempted to go back by what she's been saying to him. I know he loves me very much, but I'm afraid that love won't be strong enough to make up for the loss he feels without his family. It's only been 3 months; how long am I supposed to feel this way? It bothers me that she'll just take him back after he literally chose another women over her, but I guess I can't control how she deals with the situation.

 

You have no control over whether he goes back or not. He left her for you, so I guess he could change his mind and go back home. Sadly, when a MM or MW leaves for someone else once the honeymoon phase is over, doubts can set in, reality hits and what you two shared together *may* not be enough to make him stay. Sorry I don't mean to hurt your feelings, it's just something you need to consider and think about.

 

He will always be tied to his ex because of the kids. If the glue between them is strong outside of the kids, and if he wants to go home, he will.

 

How can you judge his wife when you more than likely would do the same thing? If he went back and then it didn't work out, wanted to come back you, you wouldn't take him back? If he begged and pleaded? What you share with him is based on affair dynamtic, what she shared with him was everything, kids, house, the whole package. i'm sure he isn't sure right now either.

 

Keep talking to him and see how he feels. He owes you respect and honesty, though seeing as he lied and cheated on his wife ... you see where I"m going with this..

[TigerCub]

Hey Kmm,

 

I'm really sorry that its all a mess for you right now - yeah, kids keep the x in the MMs lives - that really sucks - that was something that was always in the back of my mind when I was involved with an MM. It certainly wasn't a pro.

 

Well, she doesn't want a divorce from him. She won't agree to sign a separation agreement and if he files for divorce, she will contest to it.

Yeah that sounds like an excuse, so what if she doesn't want to sign it, he can't be forced to stay married to her.

 

 

He doesn't have the money right now to pay legal fees (it's a really bad financial situation)

isn't it always

Again, that's a HUGE excuse. If he really wanted something bad enough, he'd find a way to do it - he'd find a way to make some money or borrow some money or whatever - that's if he wanted it bad enough.

 

If you're in a position to help him out with the money (to go thru the divorce) - I say that you suggest that the next time he complains about finances and not being able to afford the divorce - just offer to help him pay for it and see what he says - if he's all for it - that's good. If he finds more reasons why he can't do it just yet - you have your answer....

(I'm not really suggesting that you pay all the legal fees, just say that and see how he reacts to it).

 

Good luck to you.

[blinded_27]

I agree with what most people are saying.

 

I'm in the exact same boat right now. My separated MM told me he wanted a divorce from his W, and that this is what was going to make him happy and be the first step in starting over. He doesn't have any children or property with his wife, just 4 months of marriage and 7 years of history and friendship between them... which apparently is enough for him to be "not ready to divorce just yet".

 

Those words hurt. And even though I understand completely what he's feeling, I keep telling him if he wanted this badly enough for us he would just do it. His wife would also contest the divorce and make the process difficult and the court fees even higher, so I understand your difficulty in dealing with this.

 

The financial situation I also hear too. There is no way my MM would be able to afford the cost. I like TigerCub's idea actually. If I wasn't NC again (letting him figure it out, yet again) I'd try this to see his reaction.

 

I think his expression would be your answer right then and there.

 

Good luck with everything, my advice is be prepared for the worst right now because it sounds like he's holding back and using similar excuses (aside from the kids) that my MM is using too.

[Snowflower]

However, I guess I am having a little trouble dealing with his relationship with his W (soon to be ex).

-snip-

She knows MM and I are together now but it doesn't matter, she still wants him back uses the kids to make him feel guilty about him leaving.

I guess I am still scared that he will "go back" or be tempted to go back by what she's been saying to him.

-snip-

It bothers me that she'll just take him back after he literally chose another women over her, but I guess I can't control how she deals with the situation.

 

I mentioned in another thread today that it does appear that the BW does play a huge role in the affair relationship.

 

kmm, why are you so threatened by the wife in this situation? He is now with you and divorcing her, correct?

 

What will you do if he returns to her...if the pull is just too great? Will you cut all ties and move on with your life? Would you just give up on him, or would you try to get him to reconsider his decision to leave you? If you would consider saying yes to any of these questions, then understand that his wife likely feels the same way.

 

Why is the BS expected to roll over and play dead after d-day, leaving the MM and the OW to ride off into the sunset?

 

Well, she doesn't want a divorce from him. She won't agree to sign a separation agreement and if he files for divorce, she will contest to it. He doesn't have the money right now to pay legal fees (it's a really bad financial situation) and there will sure be a lot of them considering she is going to make the divorce very difficult.

 

Who cares if she makes it difficult or not? He can still get a divorce. He doesn't need her to agree.

 

How do you know she doesn't want a divorce? Have you heard her say this first hand?

 

In my state, all I needed to do was fill out the petition for dissolution and pay the court filing fee-which was about $500. I was completely unprepared financially for a divorce but if I could pull it off so can your MM. No attorneys are required and if there are minor children involved, the court will mandate some type of visitation/child support/custody. It isn't like he will never see his child again.

 

Why does all the power rest in the BW's hands after d-day? I thought the BS was insignificant to the new relationship?

 

Sorry for all the questions. I guess I'm just confused. Good luck with your situation.

Edited November 30, 2010 by Snowflower

[kmm111]

I don't know, I guess this situation is still new and I do feel a little threatened by his history with his W (having kids together). Insecurity, I guess?

He has never given me any reason why I think he would NOT want a divorce. If I helped with his legal fees, I bet he would agree to it but I am saving for a house! He saw an attorney awhile ago and they wanted a $2,000 retainer fee. With the transition he has recently been goingt hrough, he can't even afford to pay his utility bills right now, let alone legal fees.

You're right, I guess I can't just expect the BS to just move on right away and leave us alone. I can't blame him for how she is dealing with the situation either - he can't control that.

[Snowflower]

I really don't think it's fair to YOU to have to pay the retainer fee. Why should you have to pay for him to get out of HIS marriage?

 

He can file on his own (w/o an attorney) and get the process started with just paying the court filing fee like I mentioned above.

 

And, FWIW I'm glad you realize it is hard for the BS to just up and walk away-at least in many cases. Just please make sure that you and your MM don't blame the BW for him not leaving the marriage. He is completely capable of leaving the marriage on his own as long as this is what he wants to do.

 

I see a lot of heartache ahead for you because something tells me that he is not finished with his marriage yet. Yes, I'm a fBW, but that isn't why I'm telling you this. I'm not one of those "save the marriage at all costs" type of people so please don't consider my advice as that.

 

I would just hate to see you wait for this guy, give him some of your money for a retainer fee then have him go back to his wife. You would be out the money and it sounds like you are trying to move on into a new life and buy a house and all. Good luck to you and please proceed with caution.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't know, I guess this situation is still new and I do feel a little threatened by his history with his W (having kids together). Insecurity, I guess?

He has never given me any reason why I think he would NOT want a divorce. If I helped with his legal fees, I bet he would agree to it but I am saving for a house! He saw an attorney awhile ago and they wanted a $2,000 retainer fee. With the transition he has recently been goingt hrough, he can't even afford to pay his utility bills right now, let alone legal fees.

You're right, I guess I can't just expect the BS to just move on right away and leave us alone. I can't blame him for how she is dealing with the situation either - he can't control that.

 

 

Seems like there was no respect for her relationship with him...and turn about is fair play right? She has the same level of respect for your relationship with him that was shown to her. Though he left for you, she would take him back just like him being married in the first place didn't stop you from being with him. There is nothing in her actions that are different than your actions...except you might be on the receiving end now. *Shrug*

[jwi71]

Well, she doesn't want a divorce from him. She won't agree to sign a separation agreement and if he files for divorce, she will contest to it. He doesn't have the money right now to pay legal fees (it's a really bad financial situation) and there will sure be a lot of them considering she is going to make the divorce very difficult.

 

Something ain't right here.

 

If HE doesn't have the money how does SHE have the money for a long, drawn out D? Do you have any idea how expensive that will get for BOTH?

 

Can you speak to how this financial hardship affects only him and not her especially considering they are still legally M and not even separated.

 

I'm positive his lawyer has seen this circumstance before - what was his legal advice to him?

 

Sorry, but this doesn't make sense to me. It's not passing the smell test.

[Carrot2000]

Well, she doesn't want a divorce from him. She won't agree to sign a separation agreement and if he files for divorce, she will contest to it. He doesn't have the money right now to pay legal fees (it's a really bad financial situation) and there will sure be a lot of them considering she is going to make the divorce very difficult.

 

Well, how does he plan to pay child support?

[spice4life]

A good divorce lawyer will see the writing on the wall regarding their finances and will advise appropriately. Afterall, the lawyer wants to get paid for their services and they will work to keep the cost down if they know there is no money. They don't want to run up bills that won't be paid. They will let both of them know that everytime they fight it's going to cost them. During my divorce, every disagreement cost $500 and that was over 10+ years ago. I can imagine that it is probably around $1,000 now. Everytime she puts up a fight, it will cost her more than him I imagine.

 

He can also file himself and push it through the courts if she won't agree. If he wants out, he has the right to get out and the legal system is set up to handle it. He just has to do the work to research his state laws and go from there. It can be done - it just takes some preserverance and a boat load of patience to get there.

Edited December 1, 2010 by spice4life