Komplicated Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 i am in a long distance relationship, I'm studying in Asia & my boyfriend is studying in the Caribbean. We both live in Central America. We started dating recently, while we were both already in separate countries. We knew each other casually before, because we took a course together when we were attending our local university but we never talked or anything. Anyways we started talking online over the summer and we decided to date after a while. School is super important to him and he told me this in the beginning. He is very focused and intends to be a doctor and so he has a heavy work load, i understand this and i am very supportive. He is a great guy, very different different from they guys I've dated before. I love his commitment to school and i would never want him to sacrifice his schooling for me, because school is also very important to me. But the problem is, I think he uses me as a support system. We seldom skype, actually we only skype when he is stressed out and needs to vent. i dont want to seem needy, but i think everyone in a long distance relationship knows how important communication is. we chat often, so i cant complain much about that. but he is always loading his stress on me, and i am taking more classes than him (in a foreign language) and I'm all alone (he has lots of friends nearby and gets to go home summer & Christmas) i havent been home in almost 2 years and wont be home until summer! so i get stress sometimes too, but whenever i talk to him about school or if i am stressed or even sick all he says is 'hmm' or 'oh i see' and thats it! and i on the other hand spend hours trying to help him resolve his problems and deal with his whining! I really dont know what to do, I love him! he is a great guy!but I don't know how to talk to him about it without sounding needy or demanding. or maybe the distance is just too much...
Grobyc Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 I think things like this need to be addressed. Its always bothered me when I'm there for friends but when I want to talk, they give me the whole "oh" "sucks" one-word bull****. Talk to him about it.
folieadeux Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 The distance isn't even the issue here. The fact that he's not emotionally supportive of you yet that expectation has been placed on your shoulders isn't fair. Whether you live five or five thousand miles away, relationships are about give and take. I would definitely have a chat with him about it and go from there. You may be fine with how things are going now, but it'll lead to resentment down the line if things continue to be so one-sided.
Author Komplicated Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 thank you both and i realize that it needs to be addressed and it really has nothing to do with the distance, i guess i was thinking it was the distance that made me feel a little reluctant to talk to him about it. I know expressing things face to face as oppose to online or the phone has a total different effect. I did try talking to him, but it just made me even more frustrated. I wasnt even able to explain what was going on before he start apologizing and i know that means he'd rather just avoid the conflict so i just said forget it, and he said ok sure. I guess he also looks at me as a support system because i'm in the field of psychology, everyone uses me in this way but i dont think i can handle it in a relationship.but i guess time will tell
creighton0123 Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 The 12-14 hour time difference can be quite a bit. Talk to him about your feelings and think about how he is when you're together. If you talk to him in person about your life, is he the same as he is over video? Set the communication rules. How often and what kinds of communication? Also, even if he needs to vent, you could lead him towards more positive discussions by asking questions of a lighter nature. Perhaps setting up a date time where you can both agree to be online and just... do stuff. Just because there's distance doesn't mean you can't abandon romance. Despite the distance, there's also appropriate time to share video without voice communication. Really, though. Talk to him about it. If you're calm, rational, and make him listen until you're done, let him think about what you said and write an email response since he seems unable to come up with anything other than "I'm sorry" on the fly.
Author Komplicated Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 thanks a lot, i didnt speak to him about it but somehow he seemed to have sense something wrong or realize he was not putting in a fair amount. I hope it lasts and its not just the effects of finishing the semester and being able to go home to spend Christmas with his family. I have seen a drastic change in his behavior and his attitude. I guess communication is vital in LDR and also the ability to consciously put effort into the relationship. Being in a LDR is hard on its own, without he lack of affection and balance between the 2 sides!
misippe Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I don't think you should read too much into his "oh hmmm" and "that sucks"... Maybe he's a guy of few words, or he doesn't know how to react. Communication is important, but it grows with time. How long are you in an LDR? Perhaps the two of you don't know yet how to communicate with each other via Skype? I can give you the advice: never base your opinion on conversations in Skype or e-mail or whatever. Always think about your meetings in real life to base your opinions.
Author Komplicated Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 he's a talker! sometimes he's more talkative than I am. We've been together about 4 months, but like i said I've never 'met' him before. We took a semester course together about 2-3 yrs ago and I remember him sitting at the back of my class, but I never spoke to him until a couple months ago online & I won't be seeing him until summer. He admits occasionally that he is selfish and uses me for support, he really takes school seriously and when he is stressed i often feel the effects. i can tell his mother feels similar effects as I do, but i think i get the bulk of it. I know he is conscious of his actions, because when things calm down he always apologizes and tells me that he has been neglectful and selfish. I don't know if he hasn't been as stressed lately, but he's been more 'involved' even though he's presently taking his final exams.
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