Would you date someone with cancer?

[Els]

Yes, I do think it doesn't add to the discussion - I think it muddies an already very complicated and sensitive situation.

 

But anyway, my answer is that if they consciously hid it, no, I wouldn't date them. If I already loved them and we were already together before he was DIAGNOSED, yes, I would. If we weren't even bf/gf yet and I truly felt no attraction to them cancer notwithstanding, then no, because I respect them too much to partner with them just out of sympathy.

Edited November 30, 2010 by Elswyth

[Tim The Enchanter]

Surely it's related to the same issue, though? She says she's just getting to know him.

[Els]

By the way, since you are saying that your point merely 'adds' to the discussion, mind explaining what you were so 'appalled' about in everyone's existing answers?

[Els]

If this were someone I already knew very well or was already dating, of course, it would not be an issue. I would never love someone less because of an illness. But this is a guy I am just getting to know.

 

I think you need to re-read this. She isn't even WITH him yet.

[Tim The Enchanter]

I asked a hypothetical question that was related to the original subject matter. If you have a problem with that, either alert a moderator or ignore my posts.

[Els]

Me too. Frankly I'm slightly appalled, although not surprised. Just remember people, 1 in 3 people will get cancer at some stage in their lives.

 

http://www.statistics.gov.uk/cci/nugget.asp?id=915

 

It's all very well to say "Oh I couldn't get involved with someone like that", but I wonder how you'd feel if someone ditched you at your time of greatest need? If anything, I would be more likely to get involved with someone.

 

 

I have trouble with it because I feel you are trying to take the 'moral high ground' and guilt-trip people for answers which you are interpreting the wrong way. Everyone mentioned that they would not leave someone they are already with, but you somehow twisted their answers of 'I won't get involved if I'm not already with him/her' into 'ditching someone at their time of greatest need'.

 

I don't think your post will be deleted because it doesn't violate any terms per se, but, just like bad advice that I disagree with, I feel I should speak up against it if I disagree with it.

 

If you feel I am wrong, please explain what exactly you are 'appalled about' regarding everyone's previous answer, and why you feel you should be 'appalled'.

Edited November 30, 2010 by Elswyth

[Tim The Enchanter]

I'm not guilt tripping anyone - that's your prerogative. I would never make cancer an issue over whether I choose to date someone, and if I want to be appalled at those who want to make it an issue, that's my right.

 

This conversation is over.

[Els]

So your real issue is that you are appalled at people who choose not to get involved with a person who is suffering from cancer. Perfectly fine, as long as you don't try to pretzel your argument into 'How could you people think about leaving someone who gets diagnosed with cancer?! How would you feel if someone else ditched you at your time of greatest need??' again.

 

In case you are wondering why I am being so anal about this, I have a damn good reason. Having worked in healthcare, I have seen many spouses leave cancer patients, leaving them depressed and devastated. This is because they were not capable of dealing with it. You are right, you cannot imagine the utter despair of having someone leave you in your time of greatest need. That is why I believe if people are going to make the choice to be with a cancer patient, that is something they must think about very carefully, considering their capabilities and whether or not they will truly be able to stick through their spouse as the person in Chocolat's post did. If they have any doubt, it would be far better for the patient that they not begin at all. And that is why I feel people must be able to make the choice without the burden of guilt, of 'How could you think of making this an issue?!' should they decide they are incapable.

Edited November 30, 2010 by Elswyth

[Mellisa]

Answer truthfully.

 

I think I would.

 

There's this guy...

 

If he's a good guy,and he's single and available and you are obviously attracted to him, then the answer is yes.We dont have much happily ever after,people leave,people die, and some turn out to be jerks and end up breaking our heart just the same bad.Life is short and why not give it a shot?Our regrets are mostly over the things we didnt do not the things we did.Wouldnt you always wonder what it would be like to have dated him?

[harmfulsweetz]

So your real issue is that you are appalled at people who choose not to get involved with a person who is suffering from cancer. Perfectly fine, as long as you don't try to pretzel your argument into 'How could you people think about leaving someone who gets diagnosed with cancer?! How would you feel if someone else ditched you at your time of greatest need??' again.

 

In case you are wondering why I am being so anal about this, I have a damn good reason. Having worked in healthcare, I have seen many spouses leave cancer patients, leaving them depressed and devastated. This is because they were not capable of dealing with it. You are right, you cannot imagine the utter despair of having someone leave you in your time of greatest need. That is why I believe if people are going to make the choice to be with a cancer patient, that is something they must think about very carefully, considering their capabilities and whether or not they will truly be able to stick through their spouse as the person in Chocolat's post did. If they have any doubt, it would be far better for the patient that they not begin at all. And that is why I feel people must be able to make the choice without the burden of guilt, of 'How could you think of making this an issue?!' should they decide they are incapable.

 

This is exactly it. Great post!

 

I think it's being made out to be some sort of shallow dealbreaker, when it isn't. I wouldn't want to get involved with someone, then have to leave because I can't deal with it all. I don't see that as ditching someone in their time of need, I see that as being realistic, and making the best choice you can in a hard situation. It would be entirely different if they were already together, but as Elswyth mentioned, partners leave cancer patients too.

 

Being realistic about your own capabilities is crucial IMO, you don't want to get so far along then realize that this is all too much, it's too hard, and have to prolong the situation because you feel too bad about leaving it, or worse still, leaving.

 

I don't get what is so appalling about being proactive and honest with yourself and others, taking your own happiness and another person's happiness into account. I think the comment about being more likely to get involved with a cancer sufferer is almost like you're doing them a favour, a charitable deed.

 

Cancer isn't some small minor issue, it's a massive, life-altering one. Those who choose to get involved in such a thing need to think about it very carefully, about their capabilities, their emotions, the other person etc. It's not so simple as not making it an issue and setting it aside. It's not something you can overlook.

Edited November 30, 2010 by harmfulsweetz

[carhill]

In my mind as well, it's the prognosis that's more pertinent than the word "cancer". But, I don't know his prognosis. Neither do I know of a classy way of asking. For what it's worth, he's living his life as though he plans to stick around for a while.

Sounds like a positive potential. I've found matter of fact conversation works well. If you have reservations, share them, couched in the dynamic of wanting to learn more.

 

Given the circumstances you describe, I would continue to date a woman so afflicted.

 

As a disclaimer, a good friend recently died of brain cancer and I found out two days ago my best friend's sister has it, after surviving breast cancer. They did neurosurgery yesterday. Life is a complex process. Good luck

Edited November 30, 2010 by carhill

[Els]

This is exactly it. Great post!

 

I think it's being made out to be some sort of shallow dealbreaker, when it isn't. I wouldn't want to get involved with someone, then have to leave because I can't deal with it all. I don't see that as ditching someone in their time of need, I see that as being realistic, and making the best choice you can in a hard situation. It would be entirely different if they were already together, but as Elswyth mentioned, partners leave cancer patients too.

 

Being realistic about your own capabilities is crucial IMO, you don't want to get so far along then realize that this is all too much, it's too hard, and have to prolong the situation because you feel too bad about leaving it, or worse still, leaving.

 

I don't get what is so appalling about being proactive and honest with yourself and others, taking your own happiness and another person's happiness into account. I think the comment about being more likely to get involved with a cancer sufferer is almost like you're doing them a favour, a charitable deed.

 

Precisely. To be honest, I think someone who does not understand how it is possible for others to not be capable of dealing with being the spouse of a cancer patient if everything goes south... is also someone who does not himself fully and extensively consider all the ramfications and possibilities of it. If one truly understands, then one would understand how even if he may be capable, others may not consider themselves capable of the possibilities of spending months, years at the hospital bedside, of not receiving any physical or emotional or mental affection for extended periods of time because their spouse was unable to give it, of receiving nothing out of a relationship save the gratitude of your bedridden spouse.

 

Considering the many posts here about people leaving because their wife was pregnant and had a low libido, because their wife put on weight, because their husband lost his job... I think MANY people here are not capable of the above.

[EasyHeart]

I think Elswyth and Sweetz are exactly right.

 

I'm on the other side of this equation. I don't have cancer, but I've had to deal with a lot of heinous medical problems over the past 12 years. Being sick forces you to be selfish and prioritize your survival over everything else, and it puts a huge strain on any relationship.

 

I suggest you be very honest and very cautious about getting involved with any person dealing with a serious illness. Make sure you are realistic about what you're getting involved in.

[northern_sky]

If this were someone I already knew very well or was already dating, of course, it would not be an issue. I would never love someone less because of an illness. But this is a guy I am just getting to know.

 

In my mind as well, it's the prognosis that's more pertinent than the word "cancer". But, I don't know his prognosis. Neither do I know of a classy way of asking. For what it's worth, he's living his life as though he plans to stick around for a while.

 

He has a "stable" brain tumor.

 

What...?! I thought you were joking when you told me that!

 

Not that it's funny. I'm just surprised.

[Els]

Back on topic, Spookie, do you think you would be able to do this, if it came down to it?

 

If not, please don't start with this guy. I really, honestly think you shouldn't, just my opinion. After reading about you and Asperger's guy, and how you got together with him despite everyone urging you to think about it and then just a few months later, broke up with him because of his Aspergers even though you knew he had it when you started... I'm not trying to blame you, but please think how it would affect this guy if that repeated itself all over again.

 

My bff nursed her husband through an agonizing 5 years of his brain cancer. He lost one function after another and spent the last 8 months competely paralyzed. She was widowed at 35.

 

Is this something you can see yourself doing? No judgment there - just something to think about.

 

I agree with asking what type of cancer he has and then reading up.

[harmfulsweetz]

Precisely. To be honest, I think someone who does not understand how it is possible for others to not be capable of dealing with being the spouse of a cancer patient if everything goes south... is also someone who does not himself fully and extensively consider all the ramfications and possibilities of it. If one truly understands, then one would understand how even if he may be capable, others may not consider themselves capable of the possibilities of spending months, years at the hospital bedside, of not receiving any physical or emotional or mental affection for extended periods of time because their spouse was unable to give it, of receiving nothing out of a relationship save the gratitude of your bedridden spouse.

 

Considering the many posts here about people leaving because their wife was pregnant and had a low libido, because their wife put on weight, because their husband lost his job... I think MANY people here are not capable of the above.

 

I think Elswyth and Sweetz are exactly right.

 

I'm on the other side of this equation. I don't have cancer, but I've had to deal with a lot of heinous medical problems over the past 12 years. Being sick forces you to be selfish and prioritize your survival over everything else, and it puts a huge strain on any relationship.

 

I suggest you be very honest and very cautious about getting involved with any person dealing with a serious illness. Make sure you are realistic about what you're getting involved in.

 

Exactly.

 

I think it's easy for people to forget that the family/friends/partners of cancer patients suffer too, and forget what they go through and how hard their lives must be. I know that seems selfish, but there's ramifications on every person involved, strains that for some people is too hard to bear.

 

Before you get into it, as EasyHeart and Elswyth said, be honest first with yourself. Research the disease, and such, really think hard about whether or not this is the right option. It's not something you can easily walk out on if you make the wrong choice, sometimes it's better to consider the long-term ramifications and bow out if you think you can't deal. It doesn't make anyone a bad person, people leave relationships, or don't start one for a lot less.

[sweetjasmine]

the possibilities of spending months, years at the hospital bedside, of not receiving any physical or emotional or mental affection for extended periods of time because their spouse was unable to give it, of receiving nothing out of a relationship save the gratitude of your bedridden spouse.

 

I'd be capable of this if it were my spouse or long-term partner, but it would destroy me, mentally and emotionally.

 

That's why I wouldn't want to get involved with someone who I already knew had cancer, though there are situations in which I would anyway (depending on type of cancer and status). Sometimes my emotions get carried away in dealing with sick strangers, so I know that I would have a very difficult time even in dealing with a person I had only been dating for a short while being seriously ill. I know how emotionally involved I get, so I'd rather not put myself in that situation if I can avoid it.

 

And, yes, it sounds very selfish. But I try my best not to get into relationships that require me to sacrifice my mental health and well-being for someone else, and in any other situation, people would be quick to say it's unhealthy to do that.

 

As for a brain tumor specifically, I would be concerned about potential psychological/behavioral changes after removal. I've seen it happen before, and it's not something I would want to go through as either person in the pair.

[EasyHeart]

Keep in mind, too, that any prognosis is just a doctor's best guess as to what is going to happen; it doesn't mean it's going to come true. I've been in the situation where I've been accused of being a liar because a doctor was wrong in his prognosis.

 

And health isn't binary. It's not a matter of being bed-ridden on the one hand and perfectly healthy on the other. Someone with cancer may suffer from fatigue that limits his ability to do things, may have to eat a special diet, and will most likely have to time his life around taking medications, which will definitely interfere with your social life. Are you prepared to deal with all of that?

[eerie_reverie]

I'm really glad I made this thread.

 

Initially it was just out of curiousity, because my plan was to proceed as I normally would, getting to know him and seeing where it might lead; but this got me thinking further about whether I am ready for a serious relationship with someone with a serious illness, and the truth is, I'm not.

 

Hopefully, his condition stays stable, and the tumor is never an issue for him. But given that he has been in chemo for 2 years to keep it where it's at, the risk is too great of this turning into a tragedy. I'm not willing to take on that risk for someone I just met.

 

With this in mind, I am going to be more careful about making sure I don't lead him on. He is a great guy and I am attracted to him, but since I'm not prepared for something serious with him, he's probably not a good candidate for a casual fling.

[sunshinegirl]

I have cancer and agree that type/prognosis is really important information to have before getting involved.

 

I was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 days before my wedding last month and I often think about what would have happened had I been diagnosed 18 months ago, when my husband and I had just met. I sure would not have expected him to continue pursuing me. If he had at that point, I might have been suspicious of how healthy our bond would have been, having been forged through crisis more so than through a meeting of compatible minds and hearts.

 

Elswyth and harmfulsweetz make good points. I think there's a difference between stepping up to care for an ill loved one to whom you have already committed your life; and knowingly stepping into a new situation in which you will have to do so. The former I would, and will, absolutely do. The latter, I'm not sure. Which comes back to knowing what the type/prognosis is for the person in question.

[Els]

I'm really glad I made this thread.

 

Initially it was just out of curiousity, because my plan was to proceed as I normally would, getting to know him and seeing where it might lead; but this got me thinking further about whether I am ready for a serious relationship with someone with a serious illness, and the truth is, I'm not.

 

Hopefully, his condition stays stable, and the tumor is never an issue for him. But given that he has been in chemo for 2 years to keep it where it's at, the risk is too great of this turning into a tragedy. I'm not willing to take on that risk for someone I just met.

 

With this in mind, I am going to be more careful about making sure I don't lead him on. He is a great guy and I am attracted to him, but since I'm not prepared for something serious with him, he's probably not a good candidate for a casual fling.

 

I am glad you decided this. I think a fling would be okay if he himself specifically wants a fling as well - some people just like to enjoy life in the moment, and cancer doesn't change that. But other than that, yes, I think your decision is best for both of you.