eerie_reverie Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Answer truthfully. I think I would. There's this guy...
gentlewaters Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Answer truthfully. I think I would. There's this guy... Yes, I would. I'd be heartbroken for his pain though and if he died, that would be a tragedy, but him having cancer would in no way make me love him less. 100% Healthy people can get sick or have a devastating accident or something after a relationship starts too, and hopefully that's not a dealbreaker for anybody.
drdarwin Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 i actually treat cancer patients on a daily basis, and i think lisalee's question is a very pertinent one. if the person has terminal cancer, you are essentially guaranteeing that you will become very emotionally involved with this person. even if things don't go well, you're human, and you may prolong ending things because you don't want him or her to think you're doing it because s/he has cancer. personally, i wouldn't want to feel like i'm committing myself to being emotionally attached to someone that i'm only starting to date. if the person has an early stage, non-aggressive cancer (e.g., non-melanotic skin cancer), s/he will probably be fine, and it less of an issue, although things may still get very emotional. if you know this person very well already, having cancer, advanced or not, should not be a major issue.
Mad Max Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 My mom is a cancer survivor, so I'm a bit biased in their favor. I know what my mom went through and I certainly wouldn't turn someone down because they have cancer.
Star Gazer Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 What kind of cancer are we talking about here and is it terminal? Spook, your question cannot be answered by most people without answering these two.
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 If this were someone I already knew very well or was already dating, of course, it would not be an issue. I would never love someone less because of an illness. But this is a guy I am just getting to know. In my mind as well, it's the prognosis that's more pertinent than the word "cancer". But, I don't know his prognosis. Neither do I know of a classy way of asking. For what it's worth, he's living his life as though he plans to stick around for a while. He has a "stable" brain tumor.
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 So, it's either benign or he's in remission. I don't think having " cancer" is a dealbreaker. He's still human and technically from the sounds of things, he seems to be living his life quite well. What are you afraid of Spookie? Heh, is it apparent I have intimacy issues? I've recently become aware that something's the matter with me. This might just be an excuse, but I do still love my ex from college. I have wound up missing him in every subsequent relationship I have had. That's why lately, I don't even bother. I realize I'm not really available.
drdarwin Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 you could always ask what type of brain tumor he has, rather than asking about the prognosis outright. the internet contains a wealth of information. unfortunately, the median survival for brain cancer (i.e., not a "benign" tumor or abnormal soft tissue growth) is highly dependent on the type of cancer and may range from 12 months to 5+ years. that said, you can never state with any certainly how long a particular person will live. there are always exceptions and exceptional cases.
Tim The Enchanter Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 I did meet someone recently whose boyfriend ditched her shortly after she was diagnosed with bowel cancer. To say that the guy is a lowlife is to put it mildly.
a_woman Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 (edited) If I was with someone already and found out that he had cancer, I know I would not break up with that person for reasons that are remotely connected to his illness. However, I would not start a relationship with someone who has cancer. I think it's best to start things off on a good and healthy basis (literally) if you are looking for potential in someone. Starting something from scratch with someone who is very ill just doesn't seem right. Edited November 30, 2010 by a_woman typo
green_tea Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Wow I'm surprised at a lot of these answers. Knowing someone had cancer would not stop me dating them if I had feelings for them. I wouldn't even consider rejecting them based on an illness out of their control.
Els Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 I wouldn't start off. Nothing wrong with the person - I just don't think I would be emotionally strong enough to maintain such a R well and healthily for both of us. I don't see how it is 'wrong' of me either, plenty of people choose or discount people based on things out of their control - children, previous divorce, appearance, height, race, etc. I would definitely go out of my way to befriend someone who had cancer though. Also, I would not leave someone whom I'm already with because of it.
Tim The Enchanter Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Wow I'm surprised at a lot of these answers. Me too. Frankly I'm slightly appalled, although not surprised. Just remember people, 1 in 3 people will get cancer at some stage in their lives. http://www.statistics.gov.uk/cci/nugget.asp?id=915 It's all very well to say "Oh I couldn't get involved with someone like that", but I wonder how you'd feel if someone ditched you at your time of greatest need? If anything, I would be more likely to get involved with someone.
Els Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Me too. Frankly I'm slightly appalled, although not surprised. Just remember people, 1 in 3 people will get cancer at some stage in their lives. http://www.statistics.gov.uk/cci/nugget.asp?id=915 It's all very well to say "Oh I couldn't get involved with someone like that", but I wonder how you'd feel if someone ditched you at your time of greatest need? If anything, I would be more likely to get involved with someone. Not getting involved and ditching someone you're already with is wildly different...
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 Not getting involved and ditching someone you're already with is wildly different... Personally, I think so too. Also, I am 24 years old. I think I would feel differently about this if I were older.
Els Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 FWIW, I think that if you truly decide to go ahead, you need to be very sure that you are mentally and emotionally prepared to go through with it. Nothing worse than going into it, and then bailing later if you can't handle it or making the R miserable.
harmfulsweetz Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 I wouldn't. I would be a friend to that person, but I wouldn't date them. I know it sounds awful, but I just know I'm not strong enough emotionally to cope with such a thing. The thing is, a lot of M's breakdown during a cancer struggle because the other partner isn't strong enough to cope with it. I just think if it goes wrong, or you decide later down the line you can't cope-it'll be so much worse. That said, I'd never leave someone I was already with who had cancer.
harmfulsweetz Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Me too. Frankly I'm slightly appalled, although not surprised. Just remember people, 1 in 3 people will get cancer at some stage in their lives. http://www.statistics.gov.uk/cci/nugget.asp?id=915 It's all very well to say "Oh I couldn't get involved with someone like that", but I wonder how you'd feel if someone ditched you at your time of greatest need? If anything, I would be more likely to get involved with someone. But isn't that just getting involved because of the cancer, which is equally bad, more like a sympathy boyfriend/girlfriend. I wouldn't get involved with someone with cancer because them having the disease influenced my decision. Obviously, no one here would (hopefully) ditch someone they are already with because of it, they just wouldn't get into a relationship with a person with the disease.
Els Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 But isn't that just getting involved because of the cancer, which is equally bad, more like a sympathy boyfriend/girlfriend. I wouldn't get involved with someone with cancer because them having the disease influenced my decision. Obviously, no one here would (hopefully) ditch someone they are already with because of it, they just wouldn't get into a relationship with a person with the disease. Yup, seconded.
Chocolat Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 the median survival for brain cancer (i.e., not a "benign" tumor or abnormal soft tissue growth) is highly dependent on the type of cancer and may range from 12 months to 5+ years. My bff nursed her husband through an agonizing 5 years of his brain cancer. He lost one function after another and spent the last 8 months competely paralyzed. She was widowed at 35. Is this something you can see yourself doing? No judgment there - just something to think about. I agree with asking what type of cancer he has and then reading up.
Tim The Enchanter Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Let's face it, you're probably not going to know someone has cancer straight away. Unless you are a doctor/nurse. What if you met someone and started dating, and then after about three dates they admit that they have cancer? Or you've only been dating them a short while and they suddenly get diagnosed? Do you say "well I don't think this going to work out, long term"?
Tim The Enchanter Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 But isn't that just getting involved because of the cancer, which is equally bad, more like a sympathy boyfriend/girlfriend. I wouldn't get involved with someone with cancer because them having the disease influenced my decision. Obviously, no one here would (hopefully) ditch someone they are already with because of it, they just wouldn't get into a relationship with a person with the disease. Well I'm not going around looking for people with cancer. What I mean is that if I've been dating someone and they get diagnosed, I'm not going to stop dating them for that reason.
Els Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Let's face it, you're probably not going to know someone has cancer straight away. Unless you are a doctor/nurse. What if you met someone and started dating, and then after about three dates they admit that they have cancer? Or you've only been dating them a short while and they suddenly get diagnosed? Do you say "well I don't think this going to work out, long term"? If they hide something this huge til 3 dates later, I think it'd be a pretty bad sign. This concept can pretty much be applied to anything - it isn't exclusive to cancer. What would you say, for example, if a single mom has 3 kids out of wedlock and didn't tell you about them til 3 dates later, and you don't want to have kids? I feel every sympathy for cancer patients, just as I do for single moms, but I think the concept of honesty should apply to them as well. As for them 'suddenly getting diagnosed' within the few weeks or so after dating, the chances of that are far smaller than them having it before they met you, or them having it after you've been together for a long time. You're basically talking about a 1-2 month window as opposed to all their previous years, or all the future ones. In that case, best judgement applies. Spook's question was evidently not this though: In her case she already KNOWS the guy has cancer. I believe we should stick to the topic as opposed to muddying things with other situations. Besides, everyone here has already stated that they would not leave someone whom they are already together with if the person is diagnosed with cancer, so I don't get what your post above is supposed to point out.
Tim The Enchanter Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 As for them 'suddenly getting diagnosed' within the few weeks or so after dating, the chances of that are far smaller than them having it before they met you, or them having it after you've been together for a long time. Obviously I was asking a hypothetical question.
Tim The Enchanter Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Besides, everyone here has already stated that they would not leave someone whom they are already together with if the person is diagnosed with cancer, so I don't get what your post above is supposed to point out. It's pretty clear what I was asking, but you've conveniently side-stepped it. I asked a hypothetical question about whether people would dumped someone they'd already started seeing, as opposed to a long term partner. If you don't think that adds to the discussion, you're perfectly free to ignore my posts.
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