Why do guys push away the one they love the most? It's already been 8 years!

[Sweetbaby88]

How can a guy be in love with you for 8 years, yet never pursue a real relationship with you but all the while has no problems with being in empty/superficial relationships with other women he doesn't care about? I know your first reaction would probably be "because he doesn't really love you so he won't be in a relationship with you" but it’s not that simple between us.

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His ex-fiancée once hinted to me that he tried to change her to become like me which lead her to break off their engagement as she left him for his best friend. He's never as attentive and gentle to any of his girlfriends as he is to me. It’s almost like when we're together that no one else in the room matters. He can't stop talking about me to his friends and ex-girlfriends/girlfriends seem to know much more about me than I know of them! He's done so many things in the past to go above and beyond what a plutonic close friend would do yet at the same time, it frustrates me that he can't just come out and admit the truth. Instead when I try to initiate something, he pretends that he doesn’t have feelings for me by committing himself to other people yet those very people he dates get pushed away over time because he can’t get over me!

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I knew all along that his tendency to settle for less is very unhealthy so I tried to move on by marrying our mutual college friend. It upsets me that he could vocally express disdain towards my impending marriage yet not do anything to stop me from actually marrying our friend. Granted I do acknowledge that it is technically difficult for us to be together due to the fact that we currently live in different countries, have different plans, were dating different people etc., but the least he could do is actually tell me how he really feels. If technicalities were all that stopped him, he could have relocated to be with me (or asked me to relocate) if he really cared about me that much but I believe that his issues run deeper. Come to think of it, he didn’t even do anything when we out on Valentine’s Day 7 years ago!

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Anyhow, when I got married he acted like everything was suddenly ok when he was actually very mad at me, which was how he ended up engaged to his then-girlfriend exactly a month after my wedding. When he started dating someone again 7 months after my wedding (and after his 1-month engagement broke down), I took these actions as proof that we had both officially moved on despite remaining as close friends. Nonetheless, circumstances recently changed and my marriage fell apart after 1 year due to abuse and I am now in the process of a divorce. Despite the fact that he is still dating someone, his recent behavior has lead me to believe that he may still want us to get together although I’m not sure if he’s going to pull away like before if we get too close again. He probably will if he doens't change his mentality!

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I’ve realized after all this time, that although suppressed due to fear of being used/played/mislead, my feelings for him were very strong and still is, and he also still l feels the same way about me too. Time and circumstances never really altered our chemistry. Yet I can’t bring myself to give him a second chance if I don’t get to the bottom of his underlying behavior.

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Can anyone please explain the rationale behind guys who push away deep love for fear of losing happiness and if anything can be done to help him resolve this kind of mentality? If there’s no hope of changing his mentality, I really need to know so that I can move on cause I don't want to make another big relationship mistake. Thanks!!

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[Madgick]

. Yet I can’t bring myself to give him a second chance if I don’t get to the bottom of his underlying behavior.

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Can anyone please explain the rationale behind guys who push away deep love for fear of losing happiness and if anything can be done to help him resolve this kind of mentality? If there’s no hope of changing his mentality, I really need to know so that I can move on cause I don't want to make another big relationship mistake. Thanks!!

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There comes a time when you put up or shut up. Talk to him. After 8 years, marriage/divorce, exfiancees, this and that, it seems like you have nothing to lose.

 

Where do we stand? I am looking for this in life, can you provide it? Why have you never pursued a committed relationship with me? I'm ready to let this relationship go, as in not even be friends any more (if this is true), I am considering going no contact with you and finding something else in my life, someone with all your qualities which I find so attractive BUT who actually is interested building a life with me. You get first right of refusal here, what are your thoughts on this.

 

Or something like that. What do I know? But you sound unhappy, and you've certainly put in a lot of time. So maybe it's time for concrete answers.

[Sweetbaby88]

Thanks guys for the quick response! I do get your perspectives but I feel it isn't just this simple between us because of our strong emotional bond that has lasted so many years despite us not really spending much physical time together (we live in different countries now). Even when we were at the same place, we would be dating someone else. The only time we were both available was when I had already made plans on relocating for graduate school so really it could be an issue of bad timing. Or I could be right that he had deep rooted personal issues that prevented him from working out the kinks to make a relationship with me work. What do you all think?

 

I can't give him 100% blame since I was unavailable to date him for the past 5 years (I was with my ex) so it is entirely possible he could have just been trying to stay civil this whole time by trying to date others while not being able to let go of me by staying as my close friend all this time. At the same time, I still think he should have told me the truth cause I would have made different life choices otherwise! Also, his girlfriends should also know the truth to save us all potential heartache!

 

I did try to stop talking to him several times already but he would react to my distance by squeezing his way back into my life somehow (we have many mtual friends). And once upon a time, I really did move on and genuinely thought that my ex was the one even though I didn't feel as passionate for him in comparison...I suppose now that ironically my ex is out of my life for other reasons and he has suddenly come back into my life in return, it's been very confusing for me. If I could choose I wouldn't want to lose him as a friend cause he has been so supportive of me for all these years yet all I just want is closure...what should I do???