I broke NC

[siuys]

Pokemon, i know you're trying to help and i appreciate it. i am hurting but at the same time trying to stay sane and do the right thing for me. i think i will write him one more email and be less open about the possibility of hooking up unless he's well on his way to D. anything less is just not serious. i know some people can take years to get divorced and he could very well be one of them. it took me 12 months but some people take a lot longer with children, a spouse who might not want to and kids bla bla bla... so I am wary. So I will end it.

[Pokemon]

I know the task of saying "end it" can be very daunting. Maybe just sit on it for a few days, and take some time to think it through? Just let the thoughts sift through your head for a few days. Think about -both- decisions, talking to him and hooking up, or ending it once and for all.

 

After all, he's working on his own stuff too, so you don't have to respond on HIS time line.

 

I'm just suggesting, if you are really torn apart inside, time will give you some clarity. Instead of responding with another break up right away, it will help you be surer of what you want. Do this while you are on your own though, so he charming ways can't influence your decision.

 

If you choose to stay around with him, you will still find support here. It all depends on how much you are willing to take.

[East7]

Thought I'd share it and see what you guys think:

 

"your email is well-written and reflects my thoughts and feelings. It details what needs to be done and needs to be achieved to move forward which i agree with. No contact until i have sorted myself out, and moved forward.

(He sounds almost happy to go NC)

 

you understand yourself, me and the toxicity well. our communication has improved significantly and i appreciate your open honesty, as mine is with you. i enjoy communicating with you. (blah-blah-blah)

 

i am happy for you that you have expressed what you felt you needed to while your father is alive and that you could gain from my relationship with my sons. thanks for the father compliment.

 

please look after yourself physically and mentally e.g. exercise, eat healthily and meditate amongst other stuff. Dont forget to live

 

(awww he cares so much about your well-being)

 

i will miss you and love you as my journey continues and i get focussed and strong again.

 

hugs and kisses"

 

 

Sorry, but courtesy bull*** !

 

Its nice but it says nothing substantial but 'take care of yourself and bye-bye'. If he loves and misses you, he wouldn't have accepted NC, he would had ask you instead to support him morally going through divorce.

[SunsetRed]

"Breaking NC is like taking a pain-killer pill, it will relieve the pain but it will not heal the disease"

 

So true. I am depressed now from not having contact with him and also I have so much anger building up in me....anger at him for kicking me to the curb with no notice and anger at myself for not being someone he'd hang on to.

 

I feel the need to express all of this, but what would it accomplish? If I sent an email he'd call me on his way home from work, but if I missed the call, I couldn't return it because he'd be at "home."

 

If I contacted him would it make him want me more? Would it make him come back to me...No. Me contacting him would only drive him further away.

 

The longer I do NC, the more I realize it's over and the more depressed I get. Yet, I'm also depressed when I realize he and the wife/family will be doing fun things together and all I'm doing is working overtime and showing up at holiday parties alone.

 

Knowing that breaking NC will make him want me less helps me to keep it going. Also, he expects me to call during the holidays as he knows that I know his anniversary is coming up and he expects me to call and see how it went. Well, I'm going to do the unexpected and NOT call.

 

I'm going to allow him to live his miserable life and eventually things will come crashing down on him. The scenario of going back to the wife after being separated for 3 years, will fall apart a lot faster if I just stay out of the picture.

[ItsNeverForever]

Siuys...don't be too hard on yourself. I think that Pokemon and Moon are coming from the same place you (and I) are, with their advice about it being a journey that you'll eventually figure out when it's right for you, and that you can only take each day as it comes. I know that it's the only way I get through each day.

 

I, too, after breaking NC on Thanksgiving, swearing I'd never do it again, broke it again the VERY NEXT DAY, although it wasn't exactly my fault. Some friends at the "gym" had colluded with each other and managed to get us both to an event at the "gym" on Friday night (a day/time that he would normally NEVER EVER go, which are the only times I ever go there anymore for my own sanity)...not only was it unexpected, but I was completely unprepared to run into him. He was right there in my face, and I had a friend with me who was trying to have some fun so I didn't want to leave and ruin her night (she did a good job of giving him COMPLETE HELL though, which I didn't exactly mind). I'm not really ready to talk about it yet, because we had a very long, interesting conversation on Saturday and have been chatting every day since, so I won't say anymore until I get my brain wrapped around it and figure out what the helicopter I'm doing, because clearly I have NO IDEA. *sigh*

 

Anyway, my point is, you really only can do the right thing for yourself on any given day. And hopefully, everyone is right in that which each consecutive time, it gets more ridiculous to your intellect, and more distant from your heart, until you just decide that you're done. I try to remember times from my past (in "regular" relationships with single men) about how the breakups progressed, and how it never really ended until I could feel no more. And that, right now, is our only hope.

 

I'm right there with you, and I have so many feelings for how you are hurting and struggling. I want you to know, too, that your posts have helped me a GREAT deal...I thank you for that. Keep posting, we're all here for you.

 

<3

[MorningCoffee]

Pokemon, i know you're trying to help and i appreciate it. i am hurting but at the same time trying to stay sane and do the right thing for me. i think i will write him one more email and be less open about the possibility of hooking up unless he's well on his way to D. anything less is just not serious. i know some people can take years to get divorced and he could very well be one of them. it took me 12 months but some people take a lot longer with children, a spouse who might not want to and kids bla bla bla... so I am wary. So I will end it.

 

 

Perhaps I am a bit more charitable with the guy than others, but I think his email is as close to honest and sincere as he can get at this point, and expresses where he is at this time. He is not making you fantasy promises, but expressing the intent to work on himself -- and urging you to take care of you as well. He does love you, but he remains in a place that sounds like it's a ways away from divorcing. Again, this email's all just WORDS. Things can go either way.

 

So for your own best interest, I completely agree with C4N ("two things I wanted before we could talk and that was her papers served and her or him moved out of the house") and with the bolded part above. The email is words, what it will take is ACTIONS.

[Confused4Now]

Perhaps I am a bit more charitable with the guy than others, but I think his email is as close to honest and sincere as he can get at this point, and expresses where he is at this time. He is not making you fantasy promises, but expressing the intent to work on himself -- and urging you to take care of you as well. He does love you, but he remains in a place that sounds like it's a ways away from divorcing. Again, this email's all just WORDS. Things can go either way.

 

So for your own best interest, I completely agree with C4N ("two things I wanted before we could talk and that was her papers served and her or him moved out of the house") and with the bolded part above. The email is words, what it will take is ACTIONS.

I will also say that I for 2 years while having my A with my MW at the time was perfectly OK with the situation and many of you would consider it cake eating. However she was too... I knew I wanted to get out of my marriage but at the time I was comfortable. I will also say I remember the week and the day when I knew my marriage was over and I wanted out. That message I gave to my X is like yesterday. When your done your done.....At that point it was easy....words into action. That's the bottom line.

[SeekingEnlightenment]

I liked MC's interpretation. To me it sounds like he knows you are no longer available the way things were, and he isnt ready to make big changes. This in no way negates his love and strong feelings for you. Men like this often go into confused mode when they cant have what they want, but I do think he is being honest with you. He just isnt the person you need him to be right now and he cant promise when he will be. Good for you that you are no longer allowing him to BS about things so he has to face himself.

 

Keep working on you and your needs and get to that place where you no longer care - that you are okay either way.

 

You WILL get there!

 

Hugs

[siuys]

Thanks all for the support, and your response to xMM's email. I had to send him another email last night and since I had already broken NC yesterday I thought what the hell. I had to because in my previous email I had still left the door open. And because of that, i create pain and hope for myself. The last email I basically closed the door. I reminded him that there was never any action. Even when he was on his own, his head was unclear and no real decisions were made. He thought he was done with his M at one stage, but he was confused. He is still confused and messed up and I can't stand it anymore. I know he will take a very long time to get to D even if it happens and I can't wait, and I want to close the door.

 

He has been honest, and he has never promised me anything. When I saw him last he said he wish I would write him off from my life and get on with my life. I don't know why he said that. He knows he has no right to ask me to wait. And he said he thinks he'll probably have to fight for me from my boyfriend in the future. I don't understand why he said all that. I suspect with me in the picture makes it even more confusing for him... I am at the stage where I think my last email didn't even close the door enough. I feel like saying to him that it is truly over because he has done nothing. He still doesn't really know what he wants. And I have had enough. I want to shut the door and bolt it.

[h44h]

When I saw him last he said he wish I would write him off from my life and get on with my life. I don't know why he said that.

 

It's easier for him to move on with his life if he knows you have too. I think MM say this b/c they know they don't have the balls to walk away (from you or the M) but if you do it, it will make things easier on him.

Sorry, I'm a wee bitter today.

 

Best of luck to you!! Hang in there!

[siuys]

I did it. I couldn't stand it anymore. I wrote an email and shut the door and bolted it. I feel like a fool. I feel like this whole thing was just nothing. At the end of the day, after 10 months, he's more confused than ever. No decisions made. More depressed. What am I doing hanging around him? I told him I have written him out of my life and getting on with mine. I'm sad, I feel like a fool. Now that I have done that, I can get on with healing, grieving and get to a place where C4N is. This sux big time.

[siuys]

This is what I think too now h44h. And it's what I also wrote in my email to him. I think he does not have the balls to end it with me, and so he waits for me to do it. Now I have done it for him. I really feel like a fool. This is all bs.

[Confused4Now]

I did it. I couldn't stand it anymore. I wrote an email and shut the door and bolted it. I feel like a fool. I feel like this whole thing was just nothing. At the end of the day, after 10 months, he's more confused than ever. No decisions made. More depressed. What am I doing hanging around him? I told him I have written him out of my life and getting on with mine. I'm sad, I feel like a fool. Now that I have done that, I can get on with healing, grieving and get to a place where C4N is. This sux big time.

I don't understand why you did that....make it simple....say to him "look me up when your done with your business." He knows what he has to do to be with you. I did the same thing you did...after awhile we sound like a broken record. Begin to focus on yourself.....You will be much better when he finally gets his act together. Right now you have to much anxieties and want him in your life so much that you forgot about you. BTDT... So you've sent the last email....so now show him you mean business this time....Silence can be the best thing..

[Confused4Now]

This is what I think too now h44h. And it's what I also wrote in my email to him. I think he does not have the balls to end it with me, and so he waits for me to do it. Now I have done it for him. I really feel like a fool. This is all bs.

Affairs as far as I'm concerned totally promote passive aggressive behavior for the WS who is not ready to leave. He was not going to do anything cause he's not READY!!!!

[siuys]

I understand what you're saying C4N, but I can't work on myself until I've closed the chapter in my head. Now that I have, I no longer have to wonder, think about if and when he's back all that. I can't do it anymore. I might sound like a broken record but i don't care anymore. I have never said I've written him out of my life, until now. If he truly wants to be with me, he bloody damn well knows I still have feelings for him. So it's up to him. But for me, I NEED to move on, so it's done. Too late to reverse now. He is not the only ****ing one all over the place, and he needs to know what his actions have done too.

[East7]

siuys, you have made the right choice !

 

Breaking NC or keeping LC is going to comfort him and not pushing him to change. Why would he change things if you come back and forth ?

 

You were clearly wasting your time. He doesn't know what he wants to do with his M and he has no right to make you wait as it may take forever. Don't forget that meanwhile you are putting your life on hold. Who is to tell you that he will leave his wife? Are you going to wait for months, years ?

 

Remember, if he wants you, he knows what he has to do and where to find you, just go on with your life out of that drama !

[Heather1]

I feel for you....

 

I sent a drama free, one email not expecting a reply last week. Basically, totally done, wish him well, don't want to stay in touch or friendship.

 

I look at NC as either an ultimatum or a goodbye. It's a BOUNDARY, after having none in the relationship. In my case, I didn't want divorces, but I wanted to be appreciated. My NC now is a goodbye, he friggin blew it.

 

It sounds like you want to marry this guy?? Can you just accept the A for what it is?? What's that greek story where the guy pushes the rock up the hill only to have it fall back down & this is his fate for eternity?

 

My opinion only, but I think MP who start A's are ONLY looking for the A. They're up front that they're M & figure you get that too (you sound single). Once you want "more," that's when you get that email you got about moving on with your life. He's got a mess to clean up & obviously this is stressing you all out. At this point, he's choosing his W, or he'd choose both in an A situation. If you want "more," he's telling you to go find it with his love & blessing.

 

So go find more!!! It's out there!!! But yeah, the whole situation sucks & we all signed up for it.

[fooled once]

After 2.5 weeks I broke NC. Ended up speaking and seeing each other. Back to square one. Weird thing though is, we both feel more connected and closer to each other. Communication even better than before. He's gone backwards as in he moved back into the family home after 6 months on his own when we first started NC this time round, he is on anti-depressant now and feeling stuck and cannot find the courage to end the M although that seems to be what he wants. He is still going to MC but also IC. A lot of fear, guilt etc and he is immobilised by all that and more.

 

We communicate extremely well and love each other more so than before. However, the situation is not only the same, but worse. We spoke frankly and openly and I told him I can no longer do this due to anxiety and everything being too toxic. We said goodbye once again until he's free and clear, whenever that happens to be.

 

I will be going to IC myself for a couple of sessions. I want him, but not like this. I must be strong and not contact him, no matter what. What a mess.

 

Oh siuys

 

2themoon&back, I just missed him so much. And as I was starting to feel better, I made the mistake of contacting him. And ignoring my head. I knew that I would regret it but did it anyway. I was with a couple having dinner and saw how lovely they were together and it made me want to contact him. It's stupid I know. But we're back on NC. Funnily enough he has the same thing - as in he gets anxiety attacks too after contact with me, and it makes his decision-making unclear. I don't understand why, and neither does he...

 

Oh siys

 

Oh Siuys,

 

It's all a journey. There may come a breaking point where you end it once and for all, or there may not. As long as it feels good for you, please take care of YOU. Love yourself and the rest will come along.

 

I finally am at peace for kicking him (and her) out of my life, and I fully intend to stay this way. It took a whole of 13 months, but I am happy where I'm at now.

 

(((((huggs)))))

 

i.e. I am going to work it out with my wife now. I cannot find the courage to end it with her because I still love her and my children. I am sorry I hurt you but please take care of yourself. I care, but I cannot be there for you for an indefinite amount of time that I dare not express. Should it fail, I may look you up again.

 

Pokemon, i know you're trying to help and i appreciate it. i am hurting but at the same time trying to stay sane and do the right thing for me. i think i will write him one more email and be less open about the possibility of hooking up unless he's well on his way to D. anything less is just not serious. i know some people can take years to get divorced and he could very well be one of them. it took me 12 months but some people take a lot longer with children, a spouse who might not want to and kids bla bla bla... so I am wary. So I will end it.

 

I did it. I couldn't stand it anymore. I wrote an email and shut the door and bolted it. I feel like a fool. I feel like this whole thing was just nothing. At the end of the day, after 10 months, he's more confused than ever. No decisions made. More depressed. What am I doing hanging around him? I told him I have written him out of my life and getting on with mine. I'm sad, I feel like a fool. Now that I have done that, I can get on with healing, grieving and get to a place where C4N is. This sux big time.

 

suiys

 

I have to say I agree with Poke. She really said the same things I was thinking.

 

I am sorry you broken NC.

 

I am not sorry you bolted the door.

 

Honey, nothing has changed. Nothing - EXCEPT he went back home. This "indecision" is crap. Sorry, I don't buy the conflicted guy, the split guy, the "needing more time" guy.

 

When people love each other, they want to be with each other.

 

YES, divorce does take time, mainly waiting time. But it doesn't take time to move out. It doesn't take time to BE DONE, if a person is DONE. To stretch it out, to let the "love of their life" wait and anguish and wait and be depressed....people who love someone do NOT want that person to be in pain. They want to be with that person. They want that person to NOT hurt.

 

I am incredibly sorry you are hurting, but I hope you can NOW move forward. I hope you can grieve, heal and maybe with IC, you can figure out why you have felt you didn't deserve more than you were getting.

 

I hope this time passes quickly for you, so you can live your life and create the wonderful journey that is meant for you. Life is so damn short - so damn short. I know some days feel so long, but in reality, life passes quicker than we think and before we know it, 10 years have passed. Please do not ever wait for someone to show you the love, respect and dedication YOU DESERVE.

 

((hugs)) and I hope each day gets easier for you.

[siuys]

Thank you all once again for the support. I made another mistake by speaking to him this morning, looking for answers, which obviously he cannot give. My head was all over the place and feeling anxious. At the end of the day, he doesn't know what he wants.

 

I have just returned from IC. Did some quite powerful subconscious visualisation stuff as well as the normal talk. I am feeling better although I am back to square one so not that great.

 

For the first time in 10 months, I feel this thing is finally over. I have now made a commitment to my decision. It's ended. Period. Every time I think of him, or whatever else related to him, I now have a closed door image in my head. I switch from whatever thought to that closed door.

 

I will never know exactly what everything meant. I think I meant something to him, but obviously not enough. Reality is he is not done with his M, and may choose to continue. Here I go again – going back to the closed door. It does not matter anymore. CLOSED DOOR!!!!!

[siuys]

I feel for you....

 

I sent a drama free, one email not expecting a reply last week. Basically, totally done, wish him well, don't want to stay in touch or friendship.

 

I look at NC as either an ultimatum or a goodbye. It's a BOUNDARY, after having none in the relationship. In my case, I didn't want divorces, but I wanted to be appreciated. My NC now is a goodbye, he friggin blew it.

 

It sounds like you want to marry this guy?? Can you just accept the A for what it is?? What's that greek story where the guy pushes the rock up the hill only to have it fall back down & this is his fate for eternity?

 

My opinion only, but I think MP who start A's are ONLY looking for the A. They're up front that they're M & figure you get that too (you sound single). Once you want "more," that's when you get that email you got about moving on with your life. He's got a mess to clean up & obviously this is stressing you all out. At this point, he's choosing his W, or he'd choose both in an A situation. If you want "more," he's telling you to go find it with his love & blessing.

 

No, I don't want to marry this guy but I was not in it just for a little fun. We have much in common and were in love. I truly believe it was bad timing.

 

Some MP probably start affairs only for the sake of them. I don't believe xMM was like this. At this point, I don't know what he is choosing. He doesn't know what he is or isn't doing except he has to move forward, whatever that means.

 

In any case, it's over for me. So it doesn't matter any more what he does.

[4321sn]

After 2.5 weeks I broke NC. Ended up speaking and seeing each other. Back to square one. Weird thing though is, we both feel more connected and closer to each other. Communication even better than before. He's gone backwards as in he moved back into the family home after 6 months on his own when we first started NC this time round, he is on anti-depressant now and feeling stuck and cannot find the courage to end the M although that seems to be what he wants. He is still going to MC but also IC. A lot of fear, guilt etc and he is immobilised by all that and more.

 

We communicate extremely well and love each other more so than before. However, the situation is not only the same, but worse. We spoke frankly and openly and I told him I can no longer do this due to anxiety and everything being too toxic. We said goodbye once again until he's free and clear, whenever that happens to be contact him, no matter what. What a mess.

 

I am falling asleep but wanted to respond...

Please send me a PM...I am going through the same thing and I hope I can provide some support...things are changing now in my situation and I'd be more than happy to correspond with you.

 

Hang in there

[Fight4Me]

(((Siuys)))

 

I just wanted to say that while it may feel like you're back to Square One, I think you've actually taken a huge step forward. Maybe breaking NC was a necessary step in your own healing (not that I recommend it for everyone else).

 

What I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself up. Applaud yourself for seeing things as they are and taking action to protect your future happiness, which I guarantee will come. You haven't failed, and this should say a lot coming from a former BS.

 

Be good to yourself and look to the future. In time, you will be able to tell others that there is abundant life after an affair. You're going to make it, hon. (((hugs)))

 

F4Me

[siuys]

Although I feel like I'm bad to square one, some good has come out of my last contact with xMM. I think I have reached the point of no return. I think I might finally have had enough pain. Every time NC is broken, whether by him, or me, pain and anxiety invariably returns. It takes me days to recover and at least two days to be able to concentrate at work again. I am still smoking like a chimney, back on Valium so I can sleep... why do we do this to ourselves? Love shouldn't feel this way. I know it doesn't. So as much as I'd like to say I can definitely stick to NC now after a few failed attempts, I am not going to, because like with many MMs behaviour, only ACTION will prove that I can do it. I want to so much as I feel like a zombie floating around and asking for pain.

 

Thank you all for your support as always. I re-read some of your posts at times to remind myself. I had an anxiety attack earlier, but thanks to some techniques I've learnt, I was able to calm myself down and feel normal again, if only until the next attack.

[whichwayisup]

Isn't that saying, NC= No new hurts.

 

You are so close, or maybe there to your 'enough is enough' boiling point.

 

It's good you see breaking NC as a positive and not letting it devastate you, bring you backwards. Instead it seems like it's pushed you forward, to the next phase.. True grieving and knowing it truly IS over which will help you heal. It's final, chapter is over and time to throw away that book. Or burn it!

 

Stay strong!