I broke NC

[siuys]

After 2.5 weeks I broke NC. Ended up speaking and seeing each other. Back to square one. Weird thing though is, we both feel more connected and closer to each other. Communication even better than before. He's gone backwards as in he moved back into the family home after 6 months on his own when we first started NC this time round, he is on anti-depressant now and feeling stuck and cannot find the courage to end the M although that seems to be what he wants. He is still going to MC but also IC. A lot of fear, guilt etc and he is immobilised by all that and more.

 

We communicate extremely well and love each other more so than before. However, the situation is not only the same, but worse. We spoke frankly and openly and I told him I can no longer do this due to anxiety and everything being too toxic. We said goodbye once again until he's free and clear, whenever that happens to be.

 

I will be going to IC myself for a couple of sessions. I want him, but not like this. I must be strong and not contact him, no matter what. What a mess.

[jennie-jennie]

This sounds textbook to me. NC leading to the bond between the OW and the MM growing stronger, and NC leading to the situation getting worse. This is exactly why I never recommend NC.

[Confused4Now]

After 2.5 weeks I broke NC. Ended up speaking and seeing each other. Back to square one. Weird thing though is, we both feel more connected and closer to each other. Communication even better than before. He's gone backwards as in he moved back into the family home after 6 months on his own when we first started NC this time round, he is on anti-depressant now and feeling stuck and cannot find the courage to end the M although that seems to be what he wants. He is still going to MC but also IC. A lot of fear, guilt etc and he is immobilised by all that and more.

 

We communicate extremely well and love each other more so than before. However, the situation is not only the same, but worse. We spoke frankly and openly and I told him I can no longer do this due to anxiety and everything being too toxic. We said goodbye once again until he's free and clear, whenever that happens to be.

 

I will be going to IC myself for a couple of sessions. I want him, but not like this. I must be strong and not contact him, no matter what. What a mess.

All I can say is...NC gets easier and easier...when little by little I started to recognized things weren't going to change... I started to remove myself. There is a truth about if your not ready for NC there is no reason to do it.

 

Sad to see this poor guy is not strong....sounds like he was not ready.

[noregretsmyass]

Hi there. This is going to be my first post ever, but I've been reading tons here. I'm sorry you are hurting, and lord knows I feel the exact same way. I went completely backwards today and did something I never thought I would do. And I've been strong for a couple of weeks now, which makes it even harder to swallow.

The best thing we can do for ourselves is IC, healing ourselves, moving on. We have no more options besides not to look back any more. No two stories are the same, but the craziness and insane things that go on in an affair when the MP cant make up their own mind are so freakily alike.

I think in my case, which I know I have not shared my story, is the guilt I feel. Quite honestly, I feel worse than a piece of crap. I went through all this sneaking around and trying to protect his feelings and let him throw me under the bus to go on continuing his life (while he still claims he loves and wants me). And I guess the reason why we contemplate NC so deeply is that we truly want it because we want to stop hurting, but we know it may be the final ending to the love we thought was there. And that hurts too. I want to say more, but I'm trembling as I write this, so I think I will go and get myself together.

Hope you find peace soon. Stay strong. This anxiety is killing us, and we are letting it everytime we accept this back into our lives. NO MORE for me!!!!!!

After 2.5 weeks I broke NC. Ended up speaking and seeing each other. Back to square one. Weird thing though is, we both feel more connected and closer to each other. Communication even better than before. He's gone backwards as in he moved back into the family home after 6 months on his own when we first started NC this time round, he is on anti-depressant now and feeling stuck and cannot find the courage to end the M although that seems to be what he wants. He is still going to MC but also IC. A lot of fear, guilt etc and he is immobilised by all that and more.

 

We communicate extremely well and love each other more so than before. However, the situation is not only the same, but worse. We spoke frankly and openly and I told him I can no longer do this due to anxiety and everything being too toxic. We said goodbye once again until he's free and clear, whenever that happens to be.

 

I will be going to IC myself for a couple of sessions. I want him, but not like this. I must be strong and not contact him, no matter what. What a mess.

[2themoon&back]

After 2.5 weeks I broke NC. Ended up speaking and seeing each other. Back to square one. Weird thing though is, we both feel more connected and closer to each other. Communication even better than before. He's gone backwards as in he moved back into the family home after 6 months on his own when we first started NC this time round, he is on anti-depressant now and feeling stuck and cannot find the courage to end the M although that seems to be what he wants. He is still going to MC but also IC. A lot of fear, guilt etc and he is immobilised by all that and more.

 

We communicate extremely well and love each other more so than before. However, the situation is not only the same, but worse. We spoke frankly and openly and I told him I can no longer do this due to anxiety and everything being too toxic. We said goodbye once again until he's free and clear, whenever that happens to be.

 

I will be going to IC myself for a couple of sessions. I want him, but not like this. I must be strong and not contact him, no matter what. What a mess.

 

I can not imange how you may be feeling right now. My guess would be very confussed and sad, I could be wrong and hope I am.

 

How did this happen, you were doing so well with NC, and you are right it is back to square one.

 

Hopefully IC will help you find your way through all of this. It has helped me a lot, I do not think I could have made it without it.

 

((((hugs)))) to you

[siuys]

And I guess the reason why we contemplate NC so deeply is that we truly want it because we want to stop hurting, but we know it may be the final ending to the love we thought was there. And that hurts too.

 

That is true. And C4N is right, I think it does get easier coz nothing has changed. C4N, just curious, did you end it saying 'come back when you're divorced' or did you end it by 'it's the end'?

 

Thanks for your support. Hang in there.

[Carrot2000]

Whenever you feel tempted to break NC again, remember this:

 

He's gone backwards as in he moved back into the family home after 6 months on his own when we first started NC this time round, he is on anti-depressant now and feeling stuck and cannot find the courage to end the M although that seems to be what he wants. He is still going to MC but also IC. A lot of fear, guilt etc and he is immobilised by all that and more.

 

Years ago when I was dealing with my MM, I had a dream that he and I were in a cave being chased by a lion. I made it to the entrance of the cave but the lion grabbed MM. In the dream I had to decide to save myself or go back into the cave and risk both of us being eaten. In my dream, I saved myself; in real life, I went back into the cave and yes, I was consumed by all of this man's drama and issues.

 

The moral of this story is that self-preservation is the first law of nature. You cannot let him and his problems take over your life; do whatever it takes to make sure your mental and emotional well-being stays intact, and if that means NC, so be it. As much as you love him only he can save himself and it's up to him to find his way out of the cave--or be devoured by the lion.

 

Hang in there. Things will get better.

[siuys]

2themoon&back, I just missed him so much. And as I was starting to feel better, I made the mistake of contacting him. And ignoring my head. I knew that I would regret it but did it anyway. I was with a couple having dinner and saw how lovely they were together and it made me want to contact him. It's stupid I know. But we're back on NC. Funnily enough he has the same thing - as in he gets anxiety attacks too after contact with me, and it makes his decision-making unclear. I don't understand why, and neither does he...

[siuys]

Carrot, you are right. Thanks for your response. He has to find his way out and I must save myself!

[whichwayisup]

, I just missed him so much.

 

And this is probably why you felt this:

 

Weird thing though is, we both feel more connected and closer to each other. Communication even better than before.

[MorningCoffee]

2themoon&back, I just missed him so much. And as I was starting to feel better, I made the mistake of contacting him. And ignoring my head. I knew that I would regret it but did it anyway. I was with a couple having dinner and saw how lovely they were together and it made me want to contact him. It's stupid I know. But we're back on NC. Funnily enough he has the same thing - as in he gets anxiety attacks too after contact with me, and it makes his decision-making unclear. I don't understand why, and neither does he...

 

Siuys,

 

I know how you feel, from your post on the Did You Love Him/Her thread.

 

Try not to be too hard on yourself, take care of YOU. It will get better, it will resolve with time whatever the outcome may be. IC should be useful, too.

 

FWIW I too broke NC. Just a one line email of thanks for something she sent me (I knew it was coming -- pre-NC) and wanted to acknowledge receipt, but there it is . . . breaking NC. Sigh.

 

Time. Timing. Wow. Post all you need to.

[2themoon&back]

2themoon&back, I just missed him so much. And as I was starting to feel better, I made the mistake of contacting him. And ignoring my head. I knew that I would regret it but did it anyway. I was with a couple having dinner and saw how lovely they were together and it made me want to contact him. It's stupid I know. But we're back on NC. Funnily enough he has the same thing - as in he gets anxiety attacks too after contact with me, and it makes his decision-making unclear. I don't understand why, and neither does he...

 

Oh honey I get it... I want to break NC all the time, hourly even; I would never think you are stupid by anything you do.

 

This man is someone you love, and I would never judge anyone on this.

 

I have been NC since July 3, and I cannot believe I am still alive.

 

I have anxiety and I take meds for it, I also go to IC, and I am fixing to go back to work on the 6th of Dec.

 

I have not been back to work since 13th of Aug. and I am scared sh$&less.

 

I am sure NC will be broken when I go back and I have no idea how I will react. I sometimes want to break it just to get it over with and deal with it, but I have not yet.

 

You have to do what is right for you always, you are a strong person it shows in your post, you are just trying to work this out for yourself and I do know how hard all of this is and can be.

 

Please be kind to yourself, you have been through enough pain, you don't need to kick your on a$$ for following your heart.

 

(((((hugs)))))

[siuys]

Thanks all for the support. It's back to Day 1 now. Well, actually day 0 since I only saw him this morning... I will get on with my life and will try really, really hard not to contact him. But I still have hope that he will contact me when he is sorted. How the hell do you do that anyway? Are you supposed to pretend that it's over in your head? Or just decide it's over in your head? I am at a loss...

[2themoon&back]

Thanks all for the support. It's back to Day 1 now. Well, actually day 0 since I only saw him this morning... I will get on with my life and will try really, really hard not to contact him. But I still have hope that he will contact me when he is sorted. How the hell do you do that anyway? Are you supposed to pretend that it's over in your head? Or just decide it's over in your head? I am at a loss...

 

For today just be .... and be ok with what happened and deal with the rest of it in the days to come.

 

sleep well tonight

[siuys]

good advice, moon. let it be today and accept what happened. thank you.

[Confused4Now]

That is true. And C4N is right, I think it does get easier coz nothing has changed. C4N, just curious, did you end it saying 'come back when you're divorced' or did you end it by 'it's the end'?

 

Thanks for your support. Hang in there.

Well to be honest I never told her its the end...but I'm certain my actions showed her that. I was with my MW for 2 years once I started my divorce. As I've said on my earlier posts

she helped me make it through the ugly times of my D. It was clear to me that she got comfortable in living both situations with her H at home and me on the side....neither her H and I would force her to make a move. So I just stepped away. I tried so many times to walk away....it took me almost 2 years to finally uphold my boundaries with her. If she ever gets there I'm happy for her.....but I've worked on myself so much that I'm happy where I'm at.

 

Funny you ask....today she sends me her draft of her D papers...she's ready to have them served. All I said was "nice" I did tell her there were two things I wanted before we could talk and that was her papers served and her or him moved out of the house. So am I happy? Yes I'm happy for her. For me I'm happy already with what I have.

[East7]

Siuys don't feel too guilty because all of us have broken NCs one day.

 

Breaking NC is like taking a pain-killer pill, it will relieve the pain but it will not heal the disease.

 

Also most of the time, we realize that nothing has changed since NC started and it is like rubbing it in, because the frustration comes back again.

 

From my experience, xMW broke NC several times with I-need-to-talk-to you-s and I realized that she was easing her own pain of loosing me rather than trying to change things with her M. We started with "I have missed you" and ended up fighting and going back NC each time, because I couldn't help to put her pressure and ultimatums. I wanted change, she wanted just to ease my loss and eventually keep me on the loop. So I didn't get any benefit whatsoever from breaking NC with her, just more confusion and frustrations. Also I was fine not talking with her, each-time we would talk it would f**k up my day because I would think of her and be unable to focus on anything else.

[Pokemon]

Oh Siuys,

 

It's all a journey. There may come a breaking point where you end it once and for all, or there may not. As long as it feels good for you, please take care of YOU. Love yourself and the rest will come along.

 

I finally am at peace for kicking him (and her) out of my life, and I fully intend to stay this way. It took a whole of 13 months, but I am happy where I'm at now.

 

(((((huggs)))))

[shoelove]

I'm about the last person here who can give advice, but I just want to say that I know that you're hurting and I feel for you.

 

Whatever you decide, I hope it goes well for you. {{{HUGS}}}

[siuys]

Thank you all so much for your support. It means a lot - more than you know. Nothing like people who have been through the same thing... I went to an Eckhart Tolle get-together tonight and it's calmed me down. They always do. Feel the pain with your whole body and it dissipates. Don't fight it, just let it be there. Same with the longing, the craving etc. I feel low as of course I miss him already. He replied to my email (this is our last contact). Thought I'd share it and see what you guys think:

 

"your email is well-written and reflects my thoughts and feelings. It details what needs to be done and needs to be achieved to move forward which i agree with. No contact until i have sorted myself out, and moved forward.

 

you understand yourself, me and the toxicity well. our communication has improved significantly and i appreciate your open honesty, as mine is with you. i enjoy communicating with you.

 

i am happy for you that you have expressed what you felt you needed to while your father is alive and that you could gain from my relationship with my sons. thanks for the father compliment.

 

please look after yourself physically and mentally e.g. exercise, eat healthily and meditate amongst other stuff. Dont forget to live

 

i will miss you and love you as my journey continues and i get focussed and strong again.

 

hugs and kisses"

[siuys]

 

C4N, wow, it has taken 2 years my goodness. Guess am not surprised. But more importantly, I think it is FANTASTIC that you're happy with what you have, and if you do end up being with her, it will hopefully add to your already full life. You are an inspiration. I hope I get to where you are, regardless of MM. I want to get there. Your boundaries are so clear too. You teach people how to treat you is pretty spot on...

[Pokemon]

Thank you all so much for your support. It means a lot - more than you know. Nothing like people who have been through the same thing... I went to an Eckhart Tolle get-together tonight and it's calmed me down. They always do. Feel the pain with your whole body and it dissipates. Don't fight it, just let it be there. Same with the longing, the craving etc. I feel low as of course I miss him already. He replied to my email (this is our last contact). Thought I'd share it and see what you guys think:

 

"your email is well-written and reflects my thoughts and feelings. It details what needs to be done and needs to be achieved to move forward which i agree with. No contact until i have sorted myself out, and moved forward.

 

you understand yourself, me and the toxicity well. our communication has improved significantly and i appreciate your open honesty, as mine is with you. i enjoy communicating with you.

 

i am happy for you that you have expressed what you felt you needed to while your father is alive and that you could gain from my relationship with my sons. thanks for the father compliment.

 

please look after yourself physically and mentally e.g. exercise, eat healthily and meditate amongst other stuff. Dont forget to live

 

i will miss you and love you as my journey continues and i get focussed and strong again.

 

hugs and kisses"

 

 

i.e. I am going to work it out with my wife now. I cannot find the courage to end it with her because I still love her and my children. I am sorry I hurt you but please take care of yourself. I care, but I cannot be there for you for an indefinite amount of time that I dare not express. Should it fail, I may look you up again.

[siuys]

Siuys don't feel too guilty because all of us have broken NCs one day.

 

Breaking NC is like taking a pain-killer pill, it will relieve the pain but it will not heal the disease.

 

Also most of the time, we realize that nothing has changed since NC started and it is like rubbing it in, because the frustration comes back again.

 

From my experience, xMW broke NC several times with I-need-to-talk-to you-s and I realized that she was easing her own pain of loosing me rather than trying to change things with her M. We started with "I have missed you" and ended up fighting and going back NC each time, because I couldn't help to put her pressure and ultimatums. I wanted change, she wanted just to ease my loss and eventually keep me on the loop. So I didn't get any benefit whatsoever from breaking NC with her, just more confusion and frustrations. Also I was fine not talking with her, each-time we would talk it would f**k up my day because I would think of her and be unable to focus on anything else.

 

East7, this is an interesting perspective I had not considered. Thanks for sharing. I think it's a good thing for me to keep in mind if he ever contacted me again without significant changes having taken place. I think my silence and distance is the only way to make him focus on what he needs to do.

 

I so understand the f**k up the day thing. So totally. I couldn't work today. Had hardly any food and will take a valium to help me sleep. So go figure!!!! NC!!!!

[siuys]

i.e. I am going to work it out with my wife now. I cannot find the courage to end it with her because I still love her and my children. I am sorry I hurt you but please take care of yourself. I care, but I cannot be there for you for an indefinite amount of time that I dare not express. Should it fail, I may look you up again.

 

Ouch! Pokemon but I can see your point, and despite the sting to my heart, I think you may be right. Yes, must move on and forget that he's ever coming back.

[Pokemon]

I am just trying to help.. I hope you don't hurt too much.

 

I think that's probably what he meant if he moved back in with her. Try to be strong, only you know the limits of how much you can take. I would hate to see you break down. Maybe try Christmas shopping or window shopping at the mall since you're not working? That always lifts my spirits.

 

I have a gf who is divorced. She told me in April, "Get ready for a long and nasty divorce." I was really shocked because I thought it will be simple and fast. She told me, "that's not usually the case, especially if one party doesn't want to let go."

 

I asked her how long did she take to divorce, and she replied, "4 years. I'm just speaking from experience because I wanted to stay for my son."

 

So, be wary! Take care of YOU first!