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My wife started talking to a male friend again recently over the phone.?

gkaplan000

By gkaplan000
in Infidelity

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RobD70 Established Member

RobD70

Posted
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Thank you for the advice. My wife tells me that I have nothing to worry about and she will not do anything to jeopardize our marriage. I am a guy and I know how guys think. I don't feel that it is right for me to ask her to stop talking to him when she hasn't been acting different towards me. I am not sure what to do or how to feel. She tells me that if I had a woman friend that I talked to on the phone she wouldn't get jealous or insecure because she trusts me.

Your wife is naive.

 

She is putting herself in a temptation situation (didn't mean for that to rhyme) and arrogantly thinks she can handled it. It's like an alcoholic that has gone through rehab and now thinks he has control of his drinking so feels he can have ONE beer and be alright...then another....then another...

 

People who are married or in a serious relationship should give up on having close friends with someone of the opposite sex. The vast majority of affairs start that way, they are affairs by proxy and most people can't resist. Women tend to not understand that if a guy wants to become close friends with a woman he is thinking more than friends while women don't automatically think about sex. My wife made that mistake, thinking when a guy was being nice to her it wasn't to be her friend but to court her. She knows better now.

U2RockZz Established Member

U2RockZz

Posted
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from your posts,last time you didn't even try to find out,to what extent she involved in her previous affair .....now do that....install a key logger,get a VAR...and most of all get a lawyer

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gkaplan000 Member

gkaplan000

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I found out what happened last time, I just didn't post it. We were actually growing apart then. We are night and day different now. And she says she will never make that mistake again and she loves me with all her heart and that she knows that no other man will love her and our kids the way I do.

Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

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I found out what happened last time, I just didn't post it. We were actually growing apart then. We are night and day different now. And she says she will never make that mistake again and she loves me with all her heart and that she knows that no other man will love her and our kids the way I do.

 

To the bolded part above...then why are her actions causing you concern?

 

Sure, she says all the right stuff but her actions are troubling because simply put, she should know better after her EA.

 

She already knows how an EA starts or she should know. If she does not, then it shows a lack of self-awareness on her part.

U2RockZz Established Member

U2RockZz

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but....from your posts...you said,you didn't want to know if it's physical affair....anyways what is that keeping from knowing the truth....there are lot of options available for you....but it only works when you wanted to know....

Owl Established Member

Owl

Posted
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GKA, have you considered the odd "turn" that you've taken here?

 

You come here, post a "concern" over your wife's actions, and ask for advice.

 

You get an overwhelming response telling you that you SHOULD be concerned, and should take measures to do something to correct the situation.

 

Your immediate response is to defend your wife's actions, and instead try to convince everyone that nothing is going on.

 

Non sequiter.

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gkaplan000 Member

gkaplan000

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So I caught the guy telling my wife online today that if we break up or separate that he would be the first guy in line. So I asked my wife to not be in any contact to him ever again or we will divorce. She agreed and his number is now blocked from her cell phone and he is blocked on her fb account.

Green Established Member

Green

Posted
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So I caught the guy telling my wife online today that if we break up or separate that he would be the first guy in line. So I asked my wife to not be in any contact to him ever again or we will divorce. She agreed and his number is now blocked from her cell phone and he is blocked on her fb account.

 

I'm suprised your wife didn't try to argue it was all harmless. Seriously I hope she cuts all contact with this guy like she agreed. In the future don't be afraid to ask ur wife to stop something that makes you uncomfortable.

NoLongerSad Established Member

NoLongerSad

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Now gka all you need to do is try to find out what happened between this OM and your wife five years ago when they worked together.

 

Count on it, something did happen. There's a reason your friend and you drifted apart. It's no conincidence that the guy your wife "just happened" to be burning up the phone with recently is ALSO your ex-friend and ALS0 her ex work colleague.

 

Also, do you seriously believe your wife's EA (sure it wasn't a PA?) three years ago was the first "indiscretion" she ever had?

 

Your wife is a serial cheater, you know of at least two times--three years ago, and right now.

 

If I were you I would just get a divorce.

 

I suspect that the more digging you do into the stuff your wife has been into during the course of your marriage, and perhaps prior to that, the worse and worse the picture will get.

hoping2heal Established Member

hoping2heal

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She used to work with this guy 5 years ago. I was actually friends with him about 15 years ago and we grew apart. Lets call him D.M... D.M.. is going through a divorce and is in the process of leaving his wife. My wife does not give an signs that she is cheating and does not secretly meet D.M...anywhere.. all they do is talk on the phone. Since August the have spoke 24 times and have spent over 4 hours on the phone with each other. Whenever I give her crap about talking to him she tells me that I am being insecure about the situation. What do you think? Is it right for a married woman to talk to another man this often and this long? She tells me she is happy. The bedroom is great and we get along great.

 

the reason I know how long she talks is because I know his phone number and we share a phone plan. Also, she had an emotional affair 3 years ago with another man. So excuse me for being a bit sneaky. wouldn't you be?

 

I would think it was wrong even if she had never had an emotional affair before. Now, my opinion won't change based on your answers but just curious.

 

How often is she intimate with you? Talking and sharing wise, I do not mean sex. Does she spend 4 hours going on and on with you the way she does with this other guy? If they spend 4 hours on the phone clearly there is some major intimacy going on there. Which is already wrong. You are her man, her husband - and if she is going to be intimate (again I don't mean sex wise but that too of course) it should be with you not some other man.

 

I think her dismissing you is a load of utter crap.

Gman95670 Member

Gman95670

Posted
Posted
Thank you for the advice. My wife tells me that I have nothing to worry about and she will not do anything to jeopardize our marriage. I am a guy and I know how guys think. I don't feel that it is right for me to ask her to stop talking to him when she hasn't been acting different towards me. I am not sure what to do or how to feel. She tells me that if I had a woman friend that I talked to on the phone she wouldn't get jealous or insecure because she trusts me.

 

So I caught the guy telling my wife online today that if we break up or separate that he would be the first guy in line. So I asked my wife to not be in any contact to him ever again or we will divorce. She agreed and his number is now blocked from her cell phone and he is blocked on her fb account.

 

Wow, that was a fast change of heart. First your wife says you have nothing to worry about and then agrees with you to cut off contact with the OM. Did she see the light (or was she initially leading you astray because you had no evidence). There may be more to the story here. I would suggest you continue to probe... she may have been more involved than you think.

hoping2heal Established Member

hoping2heal

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Ignore advice like "So your wife is not allowed friends? If she was talking to a girl-friend on the phone for hours would you have noticed?" It doesn't matter if you are insecure, jealous, paranoid or not. If you are not comfortable with it, let her know that in no uncertain terms and ask her to stop the contact. Due to her past experience you have every right to take a firm stand on this issue.

 

I'm sorry people, but when did it become acceptable for a married woman to have a close personal relationship with another man, especially if her husband is not comfortable with it?

 

I could not agree more! I may sleep in the same bed as a female friend or she may see me without my shirt on changing, etc etc etc. Would I do that male friends? Of course not! There is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig night and day difference between platonic female friends and male friends. One thing I notice is that it seems to be quite acceptable for a woman to have a very close and intimate bond with another man, and if the husband says anything he is accused of being controlling or insecure. Yet, if it is a husband having a close and intimate bond with another woman, then it is suddenly wrong and duplicitous behavior and totally inappropriate.

 

Newsflash - wether you are a man or a woman it is ALWAYS totally inappropriate to have a close and intimate bond with someone else of the opposite sex when you are in a serious relationship or married.

hoping2heal Established Member

hoping2heal

Posted
Posted
Thank you for the advice. My wife tells me that I have nothing to worry about and she will not do anything to jeopardize our marriage. I am a guy and I know how guys think. I don't feel that it is right for me to ask her to stop talking to him when she hasn't been acting different towards me. I am not sure what to do or how to feel. She tells me that if I had a woman friend that I talked to on the phone she wouldn't get jealous or insecure because she trusts me.

 

That last line gives me pause.

 

Firstly, I would never in ten million years think Mr.hoping2heal would be cheating. I know he does not believe in it and I trust him fully. That said, if he was getting close and intimate with another woman on the phone several times, one of them spanning four hours - do you think I would not feel jealous? Hell yes I would. He would be hearing it from me. I would be outraged and pissed off and mad as hell and very hurt. That's my partner - if he has four hours of sharing to be done? I want that to be between US not some other woman! Yet it wouldn't bother her? Red flag

 

Secondly, I'm a lucky woman. My hoping2heal and I have boundaries that we both understand and we both agree too. We both believe that we should not be intimate with another person of the opposite sex the way we are with one another. There is no squabbles about it because it's a philosophy we both understand and believe in. He doesn't put me in a position to question him or feel that hurt or that anger because he simply doesn't conduct himself inappropriately like that. Just as your wife - should not be putting you in a position to question her either.

 

Thirdly, you mention in another post you "caught" this guy telling her things. How did that happen? They were talking online and you walked in the room and saw what she was saying? You demanded to know? What? Which is it. Also, apparently they talk a lot more than just on the phone if she was online with him as well.

Bryanp Established Member

Bryanp

Posted
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I am finally glad that you stood up. I agree with the others that there is probably a lot more to this story and the previous affair. Something smells very fishy.

U2RockZz Established Member

U2RockZz

Posted
Posted
So I caught the guy telling my wife online today that if we break up or separate that he would be the first guy in line. So I asked my wife to not be in any contact to him ever again or we will divorce. She agreed and his number is now blocked from her cell phone and he is blocked on her fb account.

 

 

you really make a bad detective(never try that).....why would this guy think that you are getting divorced/separated(even it's an IF case)....what made him think like that....you should try to find out what's happening between W and friend....you are way past the stages of issuing ultimatums...install a key logger...and dig her past mails....

Distant78 Established Member

Distant78

Posted
Posted
you really make a bad detective(never try that).....why would this guy think that you are getting divorced/separated(even it's an IF case)....what made him think like that....you should try to find out what's happening between W and friend....you are way past the stages of issuing ultimatums...install a key logger...and dig her past mails....

 

Oh yea, I agree. OP, You are now past the stages of promises, ultimatums, etc. It's obvious she's a serial cheater and has been talking bad about you, OP, to this friend. That's why the idiot is still pining after your wife, because she's leading him on. That is a serious red flag. If I were you, I would've been divorced. This woman cannot be saved by you. She needs professional attention.

goingstrong Established Member

goingstrong

Posted
Posted
So I caught the guy telling my wife online today that if we break up or separate that he would be the first guy in line. So I asked my wife to not be in any contact to him ever again or we will divorce. She agreed and his number is now blocked from her cell phone and he is blocked on her fb account.

 

GKAP...you have not heard the last of this yet.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
So I caught the guy telling my wife online today that if we break up or separate that he would be the first guy in line. So I asked my wife to not be in any contact to him ever again or we will divorce. She agreed and his number is now blocked from her cell phone and he is blocked on her fb account.

 

Do you believe that you intercepted the first inappropriate communication?

 

What bothers me more than this line from the guy is the fact that your wife insisted it was all innocent until you intercepted this communication. She was being dishonest. There is no way it was all innocent until that point. That is an issue to explore further. This isn't about the guy....it is about your wife and your marriage. What is really going on with her???

 

Consider that if she was dishonest about the nature of the conversation/relationship, she may be dishonest about discontinuing contact.

brickhouse New Member

brickhouse

Posted
Posted

No married woman should be spending hours on the telephone with another man, especially one that is going through a divorce. She is taking quality time away from her husband plain and simple. The other guy has no one to "answer to" so his time is all his own.

 

Women and men are different - men who cheat typically do so for the physical aspect of it. But women do it for emotional reasons, and the first step of that process is establishing an emotional bond with someone...which is what she's doing now. I'd be surprised if she didn't already begin getting physical on some level with him. Sorry to be so blunt, but it happened to me and there were NO warning signs. Sex life was great, always said "i love you" before ending a conversation and left love notes and cards constantly. All the while managing a nearly 1 year affair with her coworker.

 

I'd invest in the keystroke logger and a good gps.

 

Good luck.

Green Established Member

Green

Posted
Posted
No married woman should be spending hours on the telephone with another man, especially one that is going through a divorce. She is taking quality time away from her husband plain and simple. The other guy has no one to "answer to" so his time is all his own.

 

Women and men are different - men who cheat typically do so for the physical aspect of it. But women do it for emotional reasons, and the first step of that process is establishing an emotional bond with someone...which is what she's doing now. I'd be surprised if she didn't already begin getting physical on some level with him. Sorry to be so blunt, but it happened to me and there were NO warning signs. Sex life was great, always said "i love you" before ending a conversation and left love notes and cards constantly. All the while managing a nearly 1 year affair with her coworker.

 

I'd invest in the keystroke logger and a good gps.

 

Good luck.

 

If there were no signs how did you find out? did she dump you for the other guy and feel the need to admit she had been cheating for a year?

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gkaplan000 Member

gkaplan000

Posted
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I know that this was the first contact online that was not innocent. I have access to her fb account and all her emails. I am not sure what was said on the phone but I am sure I would not approve. I am putting in a keylogger tonight when i get home and we will see what happens.

 

As for the physical contact..I know that she has not been physical with him I know where she is all the time. And if the guy ever went to my house my son would tell me. I am hoping for the best.

Distant78 Established Member

Distant78

Posted
Posted
I know that this was the first contact online that was not innocent. I have access to her fb account and all her emails. I am not sure what was said on the phone but I am sure I would not approve. I am putting in a keylogger tonight when i get home and we will see what happens.

 

As for the physical contact..I know that she has not been physical with him I know where she is all the time. And if the guy ever went to my house my son would tell me. I am hoping for the best.

 

This is why staying with cheaters are toxic because if you have to babysit them 24/7, around the clock there is no point in staying in the relationship/marriage. They are grown azz people and they need to act like it. Just divorce her IMO. She's a serial cheater and will never experience consequences for her despicable actions if you continue down this road. Put your foot down man.

USCGAviator Established Member

USCGAviator

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If she feels the need to play counselor then I would require that she only talk in my presence. If she loved you like you love her, and since she was guilty of an emotional affair in the past...you would think she would do everything she could to make you feel secure with her.

 

There is absolutely no reason that you should feel jealous of your own wife. Something is very wrong here...go with your gut.

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