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My wife started talking to a male friend again recently over the phone.?

gkaplan000

By gkaplan000
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gkaplan000 Member

gkaplan000

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She used to work with this guy 5 years ago. I was actually friends with him about 15 years ago and we grew apart. Lets call him D.M... D.M.. is going through a divorce and is in the process of leaving his wife. My wife does not give an signs that she is cheating and does not secretly meet D.M...anywhere.. all they do is talk on the phone. Since August the have spoke 24 times and have spent over 4 hours on the phone with each other. Whenever I give her crap about talking to him she tells me that I am being insecure about the situation. What do you think? Is it right for a married woman to talk to another man this often and this long? She tells me she is happy. The bedroom is great and we get along great.

 

the reason I know how long she talks is because I know his phone number and we share a phone plan. Also, she had an emotional affair 3 years ago with another man. So excuse me for being a bit sneaky. wouldn't you be?

eamherst14051 Member

eamherst14051

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Get a voice activated recorder, or several depending upon her location of choice when talking to the OM. That should give you at least one side of the conversation.

Waitforme New Member

Waitforme

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So your wife is not allowed friends? If she was talking to a girl-friend on the phone for hours would you have noticed? The man is going through a divorce and probably needs the view of a woman to help him understand what is going on.

 

Give your wife the respect your marriage deserves and talk to her about it, not just tease her. Tell her how that you are feeling a little insecure about her relationship after her past affair (was it at all physical? or are you just a jealous man?) and you need her to reassure you that nothing is going on...don't record conversations and go behind your back, it will only make you more confused and screwed up.

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gkaplan000 Member

gkaplan000

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I am little jealous and a little insecure. I just don't understand what they could talk about for that long.. I don't ask her about it that often maybe once every 2 weeks or so. I really try to leave it alone as best as I can. I am just really confused. But she does not give me signs of cheating. our sex is still really good...she gets along great with my family and she does not treat me any different. maybe I am a bit paranoid.

The_Middleman Member

The_Middleman

Posted
Posted (edited)

Ignore advice like "So your wife is not allowed friends? If she was talking to a girl-friend on the phone for hours would you have noticed?" It doesn't matter if you are insecure, jealous, paranoid or not. If you are not comfortable with it, let her know that in no uncertain terms and ask her to stop the contact. Due to her past experience you have every right to take a firm stand on this issue.

 

I'm sorry people, but when did it become acceptable for a married woman to have a close personal relationship with another man, especially if her husband is not comfortable with it?

Edited by The_Middleman
whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
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I am little jealous and a little insecure. I just don't understand what they could talk about for that long.. I don't ask her about it that often maybe once every 2 weeks or so. I really try to leave it alone as best as I can. I am just really confused. But she does not give me signs of cheating. our sex is still really good...she gets along great with my family and she does not treat me any different. maybe I am a bit paranoid.

 

Considering your wife cheated on you in the past, you have a right to be concerned that she has befriended and seems like a "shoulder" for this guy who is splitting up with his wife.

 

Make your wife understand boundries. And, maybe it's time for you to invite this guy to dinner, involve yourself abit in their friendship since he was YOUR friend first. I find it odd that he has chosen your wife to confide in and hasn't been intouch with you in years. Not quite a big red flag, but one to keep an eye on.

 

I doubt she is cheating on you, but for sure she is getting something out it, being a friend to someone who is hurting, which is a good thing, the problem is, IS your wife becoming attached to him. The guy is vunerable and needy, your wife may or may not know that, but either way they are bonding.

 

Let her know how you feel and why. Without being jealous, but how she needs to let this guy know she is JUST a friend, and not to let himself get attached to her. Give her the benefit of doubt for now unless she reacts badly when you talk to her.

 

Also, she should understand that her cheating ways in the past has recently been triggered by her speaking to this man and gettin closer to him.

Bryanp Established Member

Bryanp

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The way I see it is that she was already previously involved in an emotional affair and now this. My friend if the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so accepting as you have been?

 

What was the nature of this previous emotional affair she had. You state that everything is great but she still had a previous emotional affair on you and now this. It seems way over the line. I cannot tell you how often married women get involved in affairs under the guise of helping a male friend going through some crisis. Again if the roles were reversed your wife would not be putting up with this nor should you. Good luck because this is a huge red flag.

lkjh Established Member

lkjh

Posted
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So your wife is not allowed friends? If she was talking to a girl-friend on the phone for hours would you have noticed? The man is going through a divorce and probably needs the view of a woman to help him understand what is going on.

 

Give your wife the respect your marriage deserves and talk to her about it, not just tease her. Tell her how that you are feeling a little insecure about her relationship after her past affair (was it at all physical? or are you just a jealous man?) and you need her to reassure you that nothing is going on...don't record conversations and go behind your back, it will only make you more confused and screwed up.

 

award for the most bias and retarded advice ever goes to

 

 

OP, your wife has had an emotional affair already and she needs to understand boundaries. You have to point this out and let her know your boundaries are a must

Green Established Member

Green

Posted
Posted
She used to work with this guy 5 years ago. I was actually friends with him about 15 years ago and we grew apart. Lets call him D.M... D.M.. is going through a divorce and is in the process of leaving his wife. My wife does not give an signs that she is cheating and does not secretly meet D.M...anywhere.. all they do is talk on the phone. Since August the have spoke 24 times and have spent over 4 hours on the phone with each other. Whenever I give her crap about talking to him she tells me that I am being insecure about the situation. What do you think? Is it right for a married woman to talk to another man this often and this long? She tells me she is happy. The bedroom is great and we get along great.

 

the reason I know how long she talks is because I know his phone number and we share a phone plan. Also, she had an emotional affair 3 years ago with another man. So excuse me for being a bit sneaky. wouldn't you be?

 

Look you don't even need to know she has talked to him 4 hours. Just ask her to stop. Say "it would mean a lot if you just stopped talking on the phone with _______ its bothering me" and if she says "your insecure" be like "if I was talking to a woman and you asked me to stop I wouldn't argue you were insecure and keep on talking it shouldn't matter to you if you talk on the phone to this man and you should understand this makes me uncomfortable and just stop"

 

So your wife is not allowed friends? If she was talking to a girl-friend on the phone for hours would you have noticed? The man is going through a divorce and probably needs the view of a woman to help him understand what is going on.

 

Give your wife the respect your marriage deserves and talk to her about it, not just tease her. Tell her how that you are feeling a little insecure about her relationship after her past affair (was it at all physical? or are you just a jealous man?) and you need her to reassure you that nothing is going on...don't record conversations and go behind your back, it will only make you more confused and screwed up.

 

Theres a difference between female friends and some guy going through a divorce... I mean whats she telling him "your a great guy its going to be ok some woman is going to find you and treat you the way you should" I wouldn't want my wife comforting some recent divorce... thats about the best she could be saying... she shouldn't put herself in situations to make her husband jelouse.. if she just wanted a no holds bar open relationship she is obviously with the wrong guy.

 

I am little jealous and a little insecure. I just don't understand what they could talk about for that long.. I don't ask her about it that often maybe once every 2 weeks or so. I really try to leave it alone as best as I can. I am just really confused. But she does not give me signs of cheating. our sex is still really good...she gets along great with my family and she does not treat me any different. maybe I am a bit paranoid.

 

You don't need to understand, trust your gut and ask her to stop. You have every right to be insecure or jelouse about your wife comforting another man in this most intimate way (hour long phone calls)

 

Personaly I could see this not bothering some guys... but it bothers you and you need to end this.

 

Ignore advice like "So your wife is not allowed friends? If she was talking to a girl-friend on the phone for hours would you have noticed?" It doesn't matter if you are insecure, jealous, paranoid or not. If you are not comfortable with it, let her know that in no uncertain terms and ask her to stop the contact. Due to her past experience you have every right to take a firm stand on this issue.

 

I'm sorry people, but when did it become acceptable for a married woman to have a close personal relationship with another man, especially if her husband is not comfortable with it?

 

I often feel like its the women that try to get away with this stuff. Seriously if this guy was on the phone with some single woman for hours "talking" and his wife knew about it she wouldn't be happy... and if by chance she told him "I don't like you talking to that woman so much" him answer "your insecure jelouse" would only add fuel to her fire... as it should have added fuel to his fire... the second my woman starts calling me insecure/jelouse instead of "I won't talk to him anymore" ... well this can still be fixed he just has to be firm.

goingstrong Established Member

goingstrong

Posted
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. D.M.. is going through a divorce and is in the process of leaving his wife.

 

This is a big, very red flag. Unless your wife is a professional counselor, then she should not be discussing anything other than the weather with him...with you present. EA is underway and you marriage will be the next thing to go if this continues.

karnak Established Member

karnak

Posted
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also, she had an emotional affair 3 years ago with another man.

 

red alert

 

red alert

 

red alert

thomasb Established Member

thomasb

Posted
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award for the most bias and retarded advice ever goes to

 

 

OP, your wife has had an emotional affair already and she needs to understand boundaries. You have to point this out and let her know your boundaries are a must

 

 

I agree. Affairs usually start with an emotional connection that builds to a physical. Let her know that she needs to stop know or she is risking your marriage.

PortuguesePrincess80 Established Member

PortuguesePrincess80

Posted
Posted
She used to work with this guy 5 years ago. I was actually friends with him about 15 years ago and we grew apart. Lets call him D.M... D.M.. is going through a divorce and is in the process of leaving his wife. My wife does not give an signs that she is cheating and does not secretly meet D.M...anywhere.. all they do is talk on the phone. Since August the have spoke 24 times and have spent over 4 hours on the phone with each other. Whenever I give her crap about talking to him she tells me that I am being insecure about the situation. What do you think? Is it right for a married woman to talk to another man this often and this long? She tells me she is happy. The bedroom is great and we get along great.

 

the reason I know how long she talks is because I know his phone number and we share a phone plan. Also, she had an emotional affair 3 years ago with another man. So excuse me for being a bit sneaky. wouldn't you be?

 

 

Sounds like your wife has little boundaries where your concerned. This should really really piss you off . Sheesh I hope your more mad about this then being a bit "sneaky"! :mad:

 

The fact that she had a supposed EA for 3 years should clearly show you something. Get mad and let her know that this time you won't just let this fly. There is absolutely nothing your wife has to tell this guy that should consist of regular phone calls..and 4 hours long calls? :confused: Nothing good will come out of this if you don't man up. I say give this guy a call..ask him what he wants with your wife...then block his number! PERIOD!!!!!

Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

Posted
Posted
D.M.. is going through a divorce and is in the process of leaving his wife.

 

the reason I know how long she talks is because I know his phone number and we share a phone plan. Also, she had an emotional affair 3 years ago with another man. So excuse me for being a bit sneaky. wouldn't you be?

 

The snipped parts of the OP are what concerns me.

 

Like others here mentioned, the fact that D.M. is going through a divorce and is probably lonely and emotional puts your wife at risk for being sucked in emotionally.

 

She might not intend for this to happen but if she doesn't recognize the danger signs, then what did she really learn from her EA 3 years ago?

 

You see, this is what has me concerned about your wife. She had an EA 3 years ago and while I feel that a one time infidelity can possibly be the result of really bad judgment, a second time shows either a lack of self-awareness on her part or a total disregard of your feelings, or both.

 

What types of counseling or marriage strengthening practices did the two of you use after her EA 3 years ago?

 

Your wife needs to be aware of her potential for weakness in her emotional boundaries with others. From what you post (which is all I have to go on), I am concerned that she didn't learn from her bad choices 3 years ago.

sally4sara Established Member

sally4sara

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry people, but when did it become acceptable for a married woman to have a close personal relationship with another man, especially if her husband is not comfortable with it?

 

When we stopped being property.

 

 

That his wife has had an EA gives this guy a reason to think she cannot handle a platonic friendship is one thing, but being married doesn't mean your spouse picks your friends.

 

OP, you said you use to be friends with this guy and that you didn't have a falling so much as you just lost touch. Call him up. Re establish that friendship. If he is trying to break her off, you'll be better able to tell by his reluctance to reconnect with you.

 

Friends close; potential enemy closer. Either way don't sit on your hands. Best case scenario an old friend comes back into your life. Worst, you'll know you are not worrying for nothing.

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gkaplan000 Member

gkaplan000

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Thank you for the advice. My wife tells me that I have nothing to worry about and she will not do anything to jeopardize our marriage. I am a guy and I know how guys think. I don't feel that it is right for me to ask her to stop talking to him when she hasn't been acting different towards me. I am not sure what to do or how to feel. She tells me that if I had a woman friend that I talked to on the phone she wouldn't get jealous or insecure because she trusts me.

PortuguesePrincess80 Established Member

PortuguesePrincess80

Posted
Posted
Thank you for the advice. My wife tells me that I have nothing to worry about and she will not do anything to jeopardize our marriage. I am a guy and I know how guys think. I don't feel that it is right for me to ask her to stop talking to him when she hasn't been acting different towards me. I am not sure what to do or how to feel. She tells me that if I had a woman friend that I talked to on the phone she wouldn't get jealous or insecure because she trusts me.

 

 

So you make it sound like thats good enough for you correct? Okay just say we didn't warn ya! Go on and bury your head in the sand...I'm sure you'll be posting something later down the road in regards to this. I don't understand how you would or could "believe" everything she tells you..especially involving herself previously for 3 whole damn years in an EA! But whatever...its your life!

Much luck to ya!

SoulStorm Established Member

SoulStorm

Posted
Posted

She tells me that if I had a woman friend that I talked to on the phone she wouldn't get jealous or insecure because she trusts me

This is reverse psychology. I highly doubt she would be so forthcoming with you on that issue.

Green Established Member

Green

Posted
Posted
When we stopped being property.

 

 

That his wife has had an EA gives this guy a reason to think she cannot handle a platonic friendship is one thing, but being married doesn't mean your spouse picks your friends.

 

OP, you said you use to be friends with this guy and that you didn't have a falling so much as you just lost touch. Call him up. Re establish that friendship. If he is trying to break her off, you'll be better able to tell by his reluctance to reconnect with you.

 

Friends close; potential enemy closer. Either way don't sit on your hands. Best case scenario an old friend comes back into your life. Worst, you'll know you are not worrying for nothing.

 

Yeah he could just avoid keeping his enemy closer and get rid of him all togather if he had a wife who cared about his happyness and he was willing to ask "Please don't talk with this guy anymore, do it for me it would mean a lot"

 

Thank you for the advice. My wife tells me that I have nothing to worry about and she will not do anything to jeopardize our marriage. I am a guy and I know how guys think. I don't feel that it is right for me to ask her to stop talking to him when she hasn't been acting different towards me. I am not sure what to do or how to feel. She tells me that if I had a woman friend that I talked to on the phone she wouldn't get jealous or insecure because she trusts me.

 

You didn't take a lot of our advice.

 

Of course your wife tells you that you have nothing to worry about. But why not just tell you she will stop talking to the guy... whats the big deal. The Phone conversations are only one part of it too not to make you paranoid but you really need to ask that she stop ALL CONTACT including Facebook, Email, instant messangers, skype and what ever else.

 

Just ask firmly, "the fact is I am jelouse and I don't think that is such a wrong emotion, I can't reason this out and I need you to please STOP all contact with this guy, the more you refuse and fight to be in contact with him the worse it makes the situation"

 

And you're not asking her to stop talking to him because she is acting different toward you... you're asking because this has obviously bothered you so much you decided to make this POST and tell us how you feel. If you just didn't care that would be one thing... BUT YOU DO CARE and YOU DO WANT THIS TO END...SO ASK

 

Don't write this "I don't know what to do or feel" stuff. You know exactly how to feel and you are feeling it. Trust your gut because it will nag at you and torture you if you don't. Its her job to make you feel good about this (ending it) as its your job to make her feel good about other things.

 

Don't FALL for her "if you had a woman friend who you talked to on the phone she'd be fine cause she trusts you." You trust her too but she is breaking that trust by a) having hours long convos with a single man on the phone b) refusing to STOP when you tell her you don't like it and want her too. The hypo she should be asking is how would she feel if she wanted you to stop but you refused... because thats the real situation...

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gkaplan000 Member

gkaplan000

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She was in an emotional affair three years ago which lasted about a month. She has been very faithful to our marriage since that time. i believe that nothing is wrong because she is not acting any different than she has been for the last three years. I just dont know what they can talk about for that long.

Green Established Member

Green

Posted
Posted
She was in an emotional affair three years ago which lasted about a month. She has been very faithful to our marriage since that time. i believe that nothing is wrong because she is not acting any different than she has been for the last three years. I just dont know what they can talk about for that long.

 

Nothing you like I can assure you. You should ask if they have been communicating in other ways too like emails, skype, im's ect.

PortuguesePrincess80 Established Member

PortuguesePrincess80

Posted
Posted
She was in an emotional affair three years ago which lasted about a month. She has been very faithful to our marriage since that time. i believe that nothing is wrong because she is not acting any different than she has been for the last three years. I just dont know what they can talk about for that long.

 

 

And that is where the problem lies! What could they possibly be talking about? His divorce...okay...and what about it?

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gkaplan000 Member

gkaplan000

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I am going to lunch with this guy tomorrow. This will be resolved by the time we are done eating.

Green Established Member

Green

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Posted
I am going to lunch with this guy tomorrow. This will be resolved by the time we are done eating.

 

The guy isn't the one you need to resolve things with unless you want to be in a JERRY SPRINGER type situation. Your wife is the one who just dismisses your feelings and says stuff like you just need to trust her. Well you do trust her and her unwillingness to stop talking to this guy is breaking that trust.

Owl Established Member

Owl

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This is simple...you're uncomfortable with the amount of communication that she's having with this man.

 

After having been through trying to recover your marriage once already from her previous EA, you should know well what the "risks" are of her establishing a lot of contact solo with an opposite sex friend.

 

She should too...but clearly she's not thinking about that at this point.

 

Whether or not an affair IS ongoing, you have the concern that one could arise from this communication.

 

There's nothing wrong with explaining to her how this makes you feel, and asking her to break it off with him.

 

As far as the comment about "what she can't have friends?"...

 

My wife can have as many opposite sex friends as she wants to have, and have as much communication as she wants to with them...that doesn't mean I have to accept it and remain married to her if this is what she chooses. If she chooses to put our marriage at risk and disregard how this would make me feel, then I have the choice to re-evaluate whether or not our marriage is a relationship that I want to continue. And she has the same right to make the same decisions regarding our marriage and her boundaries in it as well.

 

I don't believe that close opposite sex friends are "safe" or healthy for a marriage. I don't have ANY opposite sex friends that I communicate with on anything other than a strictly professional level. I expect the same from anyone who wants to remain married to me. There's no double standard here, and it's a choice that is always available to either of us.

 

Others may feel differently about opposite sex friends and what they'll accept in their marriage...and I can respect that.

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