datura_noir Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Between a wife who knows her husband cheats and doesn't care-just stays "for the benefits of marriage" And a happy OW who knows her partner is married and stays in the R for "the benefits of the affair?" Why is the BS looked upon as cold, materialistic and uncaring, while the OW is looked upon as sexy, free-wheeling and free-loving? Can some one please enlighten moi???
Woman In Blue Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Why is the BS looked upon as cold, materialistic and uncaring, while the OW is looked upon as sexy, free-wheeling and free-loving? LMAO. I don't see the OW as exotic or sexy at all. I see her as a dirty little secret whose settling for being some married guy's playtoy. The last thing I'd see that as is "sexy" or "free loving." However, I also wouldn't settle for being a wife who knows her husband is disrespecting her, but chooses to stay for the 'benefits,' anyway. Unless the guy is richer than God, there ARE no benefits to staying.
greengoddess Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 However, I also wouldn't settle for being a wife who knows her husband is disrespecting her, but chooses to stay for the 'benefits,' anyway. Unless the guy is richer than God, there ARE no benefits to staying. Then there is really no reason to stay. Divorce his butt and collect the HUGE divorce settlement. With alimony and child support the way it is I think very, very few women stay for "the lifestyle". That myth is just another one of those right out of married man's handbook that he tell's the other woman. Oh sweetie that's ok. You are not doing anythin wrong. My wife knows I cheat. She just stays married to me because of what I can provide and the young not so innocent things anymore eat it all up. Tell the wife. It is such a simple concept to fix the problem of being an ow.
thomasb Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Staying for the 'lifestyle' is about as stupid a myth as 'staying for the children'. Both are lies designed to hold onto their 'cake'.
Snowflower Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 IMO, there are few spouses who stay with an unfaithful spouse "just for the benefits" or because they don't have other options...at least in the 21st century. 50 years ago, maybe. But not now. I always find it funny when a poster points out a supposed friend who is staying with her cheating husband because she likes her lifestyle and if he takes his needs elsewhere, oh well. That is really rare...otherwise, why would there be so many BW on the infidelity forum if they really cared so little about fidelity in their marriages? I agree...these types of statements or stereotypes are just lies/excuses that the MM uses the justify his actions. Heck, my H used the "she's only with me for my paycheck" line with the OW. All MM use more or less the same lines.
freestyle Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Hey DN--I do understand your point here--I have seen that sentiment echoed here on LS from time to time. I think it all depends on who you ask, and what side of the triangle they're on. From what I've read (and experienced) there is definitely a recurring theme of villifying the BS--I believe that many WS's do that to deflect their guilt, as well as trying to rationalize their dishonesty. While there are some cases where the BS has been an abusive partner (and cheating still is NOT a remedy)....... ....More often, it's a byproduct of WS Revisionist History 101........... I observed this happening with two of my girlfriends who ended up being OWs--while they didn't outright bash the betrayed spouse/girlfriend, they made subtle , fault-finding digs........... In both cases, I heard them say, "well, she doesn't support him in his activity/hobby/career................" "she just doesn't understand him like I do......" etc.,etc. Essentially, all comments designed to elevate themselves, and paint the BS in a negative light. Justification (OR Guilt Deflection ) 101. So, it's not just the WS who does the villifying, in my experience. Actually, I think both of my gfs fell for the WS Pity Party........In both cases, they did get reeled in---but they also chose to stay in their respective situations, so I view them as accountable for their choices.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Between a wife who knows her husband cheats and doesn't care-just stays "for the benefits of marriage" And a happy OW who knows her partner is married and stays in the R for "the benefits of the affair?" Why is the BS looked upon as cold, materialistic and uncaring, while the OW is looked upon as sexy, free-wheeling and free-loving? Can some one please enlighten moi??? I think this may be a stereo type. In my case my fws ow was older than me by 10 or more years..and according to his boss...a few french fries short of a happy meal! When I spoke to her she didnt sound like the brightest tool in the shed to be honest. In all cases...my spouse totally lowered his standards..which still confuses me to this day. Either way...I would never sweep something of this magnitude under the rug...and seriously don't understand how some people do. Maybe thats why I don't have much sympathy for ow/om who get themselves involved with mm/mw. They already know that persons status when becoming involved. On the other hand the BS has no idea whats going on...so when reality comes into play...hell ya that person WILL be bitter, cold and everything else in that moment!
greengoddess Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Hey DN--I do understand your point here--I have seen that sentiment echoed here on LS from time to time. I think it all depends on who you ask, and what side of the triangle they're on. From what I've read (and experienced) there is definitely a recurring theme of villifying the BS--I believe that many WS's do that to deflect their guilt, as well as trying to rationalize their dishonesty. While there are some cases where the BS has been an abusive partner (and cheating still is NOT a remedy)....... ....More often, it's a byproduct of WS Revisionist History 101........... I observed this happening with two of my girlfriends who ended up being OWs--while they didn't outright bash the betrayed spouse/girlfriend, they made subtle , fault-finding digs........... In both cases, I heard them say, "well, she doesn't support him in his activity/hobby/career................" "she just doesn't understand him like I do......" etc.,etc. Essentially, all comments designed to elevate themselves, and paint the BS in a negative light. Justification (OR Guilt Deflection ) 101. So, it's not just the WS who does the villifying, in my experience. Actually, I think both of my gfs fell for the WS Pity Party........In both cases, they did get reeled in---but they also chose to stay in their respective situations, so I view them as accountable for their choices. :laugh:Yup. Totally agree. I HAD, notice the past tense, a friend who was an ow. Her mm separated. Her mm saw his kids every other weekend and that was it. She, the ow, actually went on and on once what a great dad he is and that she can't believe his BITCH wife won't take the kids back early saturday night so they can spend the evening together and all day sunday. Can you imagine deluding yourself into thinking this?
freestyle Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 :laugh:Yup. Totally agree. I HAD, notice the past tense, a friend who was an ow. Her mm separated. Her mm saw his kids every other weekend and that was it. She, the ow, actually went on and on once what a great dad he is and that she can't believe his BITCH wife won't take the kids back early saturday night so they can spend the evening together and all day sunday. Can you imagine deluding yourself into thinking this? In response to the bold--no , I can't imagine deluding myself--but after listening to my two gfs, I've witnessed it in action. The 1st gf was in the A for 6 months before she found out he had a long-term gf (over a decade)---so I cut her some slack on that aspect. But she continued pursuing him for another 5 years--so it's hard to be very sympathetic.Nonetheless, she was a close friend, so I was her sounding board.Although, in the back of my mind, I kept wondering about the guy's long-term gf, who I'd never met..........I wondered how she'd feel if the truth came to light. This was also before I spent time in the betrayed camp myself, otherwise I probably would've gotten on her case a lot more. I had no idea at the time just how much mental & emotional hell a BS experiences--from the 1st niggling doubts, slowly becoming suspicions, second-guessing your own perceptions,until the truth is confirmed. Followed by the inevitable self-recriminations............(what could I have done better/ differently) Until I actually lived through that myself, I had NO idea. You can intellectualize something til you're blue in the face---living through it is what brings the deepest understanding.And it's caused me to view my friend in a very different light........ I noticed her getting impatient with me when I needed her as a sounding board, as I was slowly discovering my SO's EA. She got tired of hearing about it--but now I suspect the real reason is that my story reminded her of what her boyfriend's betrayed girlfriend must have experienced.I think it triggers her guilt............Hopefully she learned something. The other gf has just gotten started in an A with a MM. Knowing what I know now, armed with my own experience, as well as having read LS for over a year...I don't tiptoe around the subject, I lay it on the line. Maybe I can blow away some of her fog, maybe not......It's become difficult for me to listen to her gripe about her situation, because it triggers painful memories for me.And,it's hard to stand on the sidelines watching, knowing there's a trainwreck coming.............. Yep, delusional thinking all around.
OWoman Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Between a wife who knows her husband cheats and doesn't care-just stays "for the benefits of marriage" And a happy OW who knows her partner is married and stays in the R for "the benefits of the affair?" Why is the BS looked upon as cold, materialistic and uncaring, while the OW is looked upon as sexy, free-wheeling and free-loving? Can some one please enlighten moi??? DN, I can't speak for all contexts, but in my home country, among a large segment of the population, it is the norm for the BW to be resigned to the MM having GFs on the side. They stay because the status of being the W matters to women with a traditionalist view in that society. They look down on the GFs, who are "only" GFs, since - because polygamy is legal - he could easily M them if he wanted (thus reading it as he doesn't value them as much as he values his BW/s, because he won't M them; rather than considering that the GFs may prefer not to be M!) They are not viewed as "cold, materialistic or uncaring"; OTC, they are viewed by traditionalists as paragons of virtue, and by modernists as the rather sad victims of an intensely patriarchal social order. Views on the GFs vary from "disposable" (by the traditionalists) to "materialistic accomplices in the oppression of their sisters" (by modernists) to "it's none of my business - if it suits them, let them do so" (by the liberals), with all manner of other permutations too. As an OW who chose As for the lifestyle benefits, I don't know that I was considered "sexy, free-wheeling and free-loving"; certainly on LS I've been denounced as "cold" and "uncaring" (and worse), albeit not materialistic... So I guess it depends on where you take your reading whether or not the stereotype will hold.
silktricks Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Between a wife who knows her husband cheats and doesn't care-just stays "for the benefits of marriage" And a happy OW who knows her partner is married and stays in the R for "the benefits of the affair?" Why is the BS looked upon as cold, materialistic and uncaring, while the OW is looked upon as sexy, free-wheeling and free-loving? Can some one please enlighten moi??? :lmao: Well, there probably are some women somewhere (not including those in OWoman's country) who actually do know their husband cheats and stays for the "benefits of marriage". Never having known anyone like that personally, I guess I can't speak to it. (Making is love is my personal #1 benefit of marriage, and I'd be d*mned if I'd be doing that if I knew he was having an affair....). But, let's say there are women who stay married for the "benefits" of marriage and don't care if their husband is cheating. Well, it does sound a little cold and calculating, doesn't it? She would be staying for financial gain (assumedly). So, what about the other side. The women who don't care if the guy they are "dating" is married. Is she seen as sexy and free-loving? Maybe so, by some people. But... I have personally known a couple women who enjoyed having affairs. Those women weren't looked upon as sexy, free-wheeling and free-loving by most of my acquaintances. Even most of the men who knew them didn't view them in that light. They were viewed as predatory and/or messed up. I guess I'm not saying there isn't a double-standard, there may well be one. But I'm not sure that it's exactly what you are saying other than possibly here at LS....
Dexter Morgan Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Why is the BS looked upon as cold, materialistic and uncaring, while the OW is looked upon as sexy, free-wheeling and free-loving? consider those saying this and realize the kind of character they have...not only to say this, but to not care about who they are hurting in real life for their own selfishness.
wheelwright Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Staying for the 'lifestyle' is about as stupid a myth as 'staying for the children'. Both are lies designed to hold onto their 'cake'. I am afraid this seems an unrealistic view to me. If cake means the stability of BS and well-being of kids then there is no myth surrounding the importance of these things. There is no lie in stating the importance of these things, regardless of love for OP, BS or development the WS is going through. Why would a sane person not consider these things? That is not to say a WS may stay in M for love. There is no disconnect.
Author datura_noir Posted December 4, 2010 Author Posted December 4, 2010 Well. I guess what I wanted to explain got skewed, so here I go again- BS: has a spouse who cheats/has cheated throughout the years, but is resigned to staying married because of the image (whatever that is) and the connections. Turns a "blind eye" to indescretions. OW/OM: Starts an affair with a married OP, knowing that they have cheated before and are never leaving their marriage, and is ok with that because it suits their lifestyle. I guess it depends on which end of the stick you are sitting?
Summer Breeze Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Between a wife who knows her husband cheats and doesn't care-just stays "for the benefits of marriage" And a happy OW who knows her partner is married and stays in the R for "the benefits of the affair?" Why is the BS looked upon as cold, materialistic and uncaring, while the OW is looked upon as sexy, free-wheeling and free-loving? Can some one please enlighten moi??? What goes on in this, and other, forums is us v them. Most posters are reasonable and can see both sides of the coin, but some can't. This is such a highly charge situation that when you bring in one side then the other there will be nerves struck and statements made. But by and large I don't think there is anyone slagging off OW/OM any more than BS. I think there are pot shots taken and as you say in another post they are pretty standard as to which side of the A the poster is on. I don't see where the slagging off of BS is any worse than what the OW/OM get as well. I think there's very healthy posters who speak from experiences and are at an emotional place that their posts are constructive rather than destructive. I also think there are new posters where the nerves are so raw they'll see anyone on the other side as their nemesis and they take it out on them. In my personal experience-I was a BS first and the OW was a married woman as well. I knew I couldn't trust him in our marriage, no matter how sincere he might have been so we were done. She left her H then, but she was not willing to give up her big house and lifestyle until she had my H ready to move to. Just before my H's A one of my best friends found out her H was cheating on her for the 2nd time. She liked her lifestyle and the comfort it gave her so she stayed. She kept telling me I was an idiot taking a young child and striking out on my own. I told her she was an idiot for living a lie. I was an OW several years back and we had multiple Ddays. His W and I spoke each time. On one of the last times she told me that she wouldn't leave him because she wasn't going to let go because she liked not working and she didn't want to give up her vacations. When I told her that I was well aware she wasn't going to leave she went off on me like I'd accused her of something. As for me being the OW I wasn't free loving and carefree. I dated other men, but I didn't sleep with them. I had someone I loved and adored and I enjoyed he relationship until the bad outweighed the good and then I said goodbye. I was devoted to my family and my work and I was in love. I wasn't skulking around corners and hiding away. When I wanted more and he chose not to then I went on to lick my wounds and find my happiness elsewhere much like I'd done with other single men who didn't want to move forward in relationships. I do not believe that staying for a lifestyle is a myth. I think it is very real and very much alive and we all do it every single day to some degree-we wear masks and have a face we show to the world no matter how we may be hurting inside and I think a lot of Ms are the same way. I do not think that OW are viewed as free loving and carefree. I think that both sets (BS and OW/OM) are willing to make compromises to stay with what suits them and makes them happy. When the pain isn't worth it anymore and they aren't happy then they'll move on. I'm not sure if that's the type of response you're looking for!
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 Well. I guess what I wanted to explain got skewed, so here I go again- BS: has a spouse who cheats/has cheated throughout the years, but is resigned to staying married because of the image (whatever that is) and the connections. Turns a "blind eye" to indescretions. OW/OM: Starts an affair with a married OP, knowing that they have cheated before and are never leaving their marriage, and is ok with that because it suits their lifestyle. I guess it depends on which end of the stick you are sitting? The bolded part is what I don't get with this post! Are you claiming a BS is turning a blind eye to indescretions? I don't think I understand fully as to what your asking here..because most of these BS'S DIDN'T turn a blind eye...please elaborate!
eleanorrigby Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 The bolded part is what I don't get with this post! Are you claiming a BS is turning a blind eye to indescretions? I don't think I understand fully as to what your asking here..because most of these BS'S DIDN'T turn a blind eye...please elaborate! I don't think that is what she is saying.. I think its the posts by OW that say they like the affair because it suits their life and they don't want to get married anyway and don't want to have to have MM breathing down their neck all day etc etc etc They say these things to support the image they want us to have of them as these independent women, blah blah But if a BW was to say the same thing about how the marriage suits her lifestyle and she does not want her husband breathing down her neck all day anyway etc etc then most OW would say she has low self esteem, is needy and dependent, or cold blah blah.
fooled once Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Hey DN--I do understand your point here--I have seen that sentiment echoed here on LS from time to time. I think it all depends on who you ask, and what side of the triangle they're on. From what I've read (and experienced) there is definitely a recurring theme of villifying the BS--I believe that many WS's do that to deflect their guilt, as well as trying to rationalize their dishonesty. While there are some cases where the BS has been an abusive partner (and cheating still is NOT a remedy)....... ....More often, it's a byproduct of WS Revisionist History 101........... I observed this happening with two of my girlfriends who ended up being OWs--while they didn't outright bash the betrayed spouse/girlfriend, they made subtle , fault-finding digs........... In both cases, I heard them say, "well, she doesn't support him in his activity/hobby/career................" "she just doesn't understand him like I do......" etc.,etc. Essentially, all comments designed to elevate themselves, and paint the BS in a negative light. Justification (OR Guilt Deflection ) 101. So, it's not just the WS who does the villifying, in my experience. Actually, I think both of my gfs fell for the WS Pity Party........In both cases, they did get reeled in---but they also chose to stay in their respective situations, so I view them as accountable for their choices. Great post - I agree - especially what I bolded. I have seen many posts were the OW/OM blame the BS for the affair. But then again, they are like sheep following their herd leader, the MM....they believe everything he says, because dontcha know, the MM doesn't lie. Or maybe they have to belittle the BS so that they can feel better about their actions.
road Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Well. I guess what I wanted to explain got skewed, so here I go again- BS: has a spouse who cheats/has cheated throughout the years, but is resigned to staying married because of the image (whatever that is) and the connections. Turns a "blind eye" to indescretions. OW/OM: Starts an affair with a married OP, knowing that they have cheated before and are never leaving their marriage, and is ok with that because it suits their lifestyle. I guess it depends on which end of the stick you are sitting? What Initials are you?
blizzard Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I do believe some BS stay in marriages and do turn a blind eye. I believe she eventually tires of it...and will go her seperate way. Divorce is a mess. And it's hard to venture out into the abyss. Sometimes you do what you have to do to get through day. Finances do play a role. Kids do as well. Times are hard in our economy. Single parenting is tough as hell. Especially when you are working to make ends meet. I think some BS may stick around to see what will become...but the heart catches up with the mind which has been in survival mode. I also don't believe most OM/OW stick around in an affair that is so open about not leaving their spouse. I think one AP in the party clings to hope that it will change one day. There is that fiber of hope.
blizzard Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 What goes on in this, and other, forums is us v them. Most posters are reasonable and can see both sides of the coin, but some can't. This is such a highly charge situation that when you bring in one side then the other there will be nerves struck and statements made. But by and large I don't think there is anyone slagging off OW/OM any more than BS. I think there are pot shots taken and as you say in another post they are pretty standard as to which side of the A the poster is on. I don't see where the slagging off of BS is any worse than what the OW/OM get as well. I think there's very healthy posters who speak from experiences and are at an emotional place that their posts are constructive rather than destructive. I also think there are new posters where the nerves are so raw they'll see anyone on the other side as their nemesis and they take it out on them. In my personal experience-I was a BS first and the OW was a married woman as well. I knew I couldn't trust him in our marriage, no matter how sincere he might have been so we were done. She left her H then, but she was not willing to give up her big house and lifestyle until she had my H ready to move to. Just before my H's A one of my best friends found out her H was cheating on her for the 2nd time. She liked her lifestyle and the comfort it gave her so she stayed. She kept telling me I was an idiot taking a young child and striking out on my own. I told her she was an idiot for living a lie. I was an OW several years back and we had multiple Ddays. His W and I spoke each time. On one of the last times she told me that she wouldn't leave him because she wasn't going to let go because she liked not working and she didn't want to give up her vacations. When I told her that I was well aware she wasn't going to leave she went off on me like I'd accused her of something. As for me being the OW I wasn't free loving and carefree. I dated other men, but I didn't sleep with them. I had someone I loved and adored and I enjoyed he relationship until the bad outweighed the good and then I said goodbye. I was devoted to my family and my work and I was in love. I wasn't skulking around corners and hiding away. When I wanted more and he chose not to then I went on to lick my wounds and find my happiness elsewhere much like I'd done with other single men who didn't want to move forward in relationships. I do not believe that staying for a lifestyle is a myth. I think it is very real and very much alive and we all do it every single day to some degree-we wear masks and have a face we show to the world no matter how we may be hurting inside and I think a lot of Ms are the same way. I do not think that OW are viewed as free loving and carefree. I think that both sets (BS and OW/OM) are willing to make compromises to stay with what suits them and makes them happy. When the pain isn't worth it anymore and they aren't happy then they'll move on. I'm not sure if that's the type of response you're looking for! Yes! Exactly my point.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Between a wife who knows her husband cheats and doesn't care-just stays "for the benefits of marriage" This doesn't exist beyond some amazingly wealthy circles, like guys with 200 million+. For the rest of us... there is nothing we don't have that a woman can't take in a divorce. So... nobody stays for the "benefits of marriage", when it's much easier to just legally rob the guy and move on. What is better than having your XH pay all your bills, then having a new guy whine and dine you as well. So yeah.... pointless question.
Summer Breeze Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 It's not always money that keeps someone there. Sometimes there are kids, community and family perceptions, position in the community, involvements in church. We, and I mean all of us, have parts of our lives we do not want the rest of the world to see. Some of us have huge secrets that would shock even our closest friends and relatives and some of us may have tiny unimportant secrets, but we all have them. We all keep them to ourselves. We let people see what we deem to be 'their business'. What level that goes to is as different as all the people on the earth. My point is there are all parties in the A (once a BS is aware) make choices that fit with what they want others to see and what they are willing to compromise to endure. That does not mean all because I am well aware there are full and strong reconciliations in Ms and I also know there are As that turn into lovely lifelong Rs. But there are more who endure the situation because for whatever payback is they feel the compromise is worth it. Keep in mind I'm not saying this is just a BS or just an OP or just a WS. All parties weigh and measure and react according to what they will or will not tolerate.
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