My girlfriend doesn't like physical stuff

[Jon87]

My girlfriend and I are in love and have been in a relationship for over a year. We are both 22. She isn't very physical. She enjoys pecks on the cheek, and hugs, but when things get more physical, she gets uncomfortable and seems uninterested. We've talked about it, but it's still unresolved. It makes me feel awful, and like she is grossed out by me. She has said she's not, that she's extremely attracted to me, but for some reason doesn't get those physical feelings. I'm not talking about sex, since she doesn't want to until she's married. Just other physical stuff. She says she doesn't get in the mood until it's already happening. Sometimes it's great, but other times, she doesn't want to, and it makes me feel ashamed and awful. It's so hard, because I only have good intentions-I just love her so much, and need to express it, but when she is so uninterested, it hurts. She is on NuvaRing. She thinks that is a factor in her low sex drive. Any advice? We've talked, but it's still a problem. I don't know what to do.

[CLS63AMG]

My guess is she put the brakes on the affection because she's afraid that its going to turn into sex. Pretty sure thats all thats going on here...

[phineas]

wait, she isn't going to have sex until marriage but is on birth control?

Is it a period thing?

I didn't think nuva-ring worked like the pill.

[Sarah1977]

I was on the nuva ring. It absolutely DOES kill your sex drive. In fact, I went off of it when it was impossible for me to even masturbate and have an orgasm. That might have been a bit too much info.

[phineas]

ok. but if she's saving herself for marriage why be on birth control?

That doesn't make sense to me.

[Star Gazer]

I was on the nuva ring. It absolutely DOES kill your sex drive. In fact, I went off of it when it was impossible for me to even masturbate and have an orgasm. That might have been a bit too much info.

 

FWIW, I had the exact opposite response to NuvaRing.

 

She sounds disinterested in sex in general. It sounds like there's more to it here than just hormones.

[musemaj11]

She is not that into you.

[Jon87]

Because she's anemic (iron deficient) and it helps her have less periods/lose less blood(less iron), so yeah, that's why.

[TooAccepting32]

Dang nuvaring... I used to be a beast.

I still like to touch however.. If it's someone I'm really into I LOVE LOVE LOVE physical affection. I was with a partner LT though who I didn't want touching me at all. I stayed because I "loved/cared about" him and felt trapped in it... I had resentments and wasn't "in love" though. I thought I was just not a touchy person.. I was wrong.

 

It's probably different with everyone.

 

I think if you need and crave physical touch, then you aren't getting your needs met in this particular relationship period. What's behind it doesn't matter. You deserve as much as anyone else to have your needs met and not to feel miserable. Either a compromise can be made so you get your needs met or she's just not compatible.

 

BTW re nuvaring: The doctor said that "side effects" usually last about 3 mths and then your body gets used to it and returns to normal.

[Els]

If she thinks NuvaRing is a factor, get it removed and then see how it is.

 

But why is she even on NuvaRing if you're not gonna have sex til you're married?

[Jon87]

I said it earlier, but I'll say it again, she's on nuva ring because she's anemic (iron deficient) and it helps her have less periods/lose less blood(less iron).

[Els]

Sorry about that.

 

Could try some other type of BC. Usually women have to switch around with a few before they get a suitable one.

[musemaj11]

Dang nuvaring... I used to be a beast.

I still like to touch however.. If it's someone I'm really into I LOVE LOVE LOVE physical affection. I was with a partner LT though who I didn't want touching me at all. I stayed because I "loved/cared about" him and felt trapped in it... I had resentments and wasn't "in love" though. I thought I was just not a touchy person.. I was wrong.

HEAR ... HEAR ... MEN!

 

As I have been saying all along, if a girl doesnt like being physical with you, then she is not that into you. If a girl is crazy about you, you dont even need to dine and wine her because she is happy enough just to have you.

[Stung]

BTW re nuvaring: The doctor said that "side effects" usually last about 3 mths and then your body gets used to it and returns to normal.

 

That is in reference to side effects like nausea and sleepiness, common reactions to fluctuating hormone levels. It usually doesn't apply to sex drive issues, which can be a more direct effect of the hormones themselves.

 

OP, your girlfriend might want to consult with a doctor to see if there is another way to address her anemia, perhaps with diet changes and iron pills. See how that affects her desire for physical touch.

 

In general, I have to agree with the above poster's statement that you deserve to have your basic needs met and not feel miserable, no matter what the reason she cannot meet them. Please don't sign up for marriage under these conditions--sex, and affection, and intimacy, are all very important and necessary aspects of a healthy long term commitment.

[Untouchable_Fire]

She isn't very physical. She enjoys pecks on the cheek, and hugs, but when things get more physical, she gets uncomfortable and seems uninterested.

 

and like she is grossed out by me. She has said she's not, that she's extremely attracted to me, but for some reason doesn't get those physical feelings.

 

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Jon... you can't blame this on the birthcontrol. She finds you attractive to look at... but doesn't feel any sexual chemistry with you. If you marry her you are an R-Tard.

 

I'm sorry but stop letting her play games with you. Tell her you need a change or its over. Also demand some honesty from her.

[musemaj11]

Put your girlfriend with Eric Winter in the same room together and an hour later you will see her devouring him like a tigress.

[Els]

You guys who are making assumptions on the girl's behalf have no idea how powerful messing with hormones can potentially be. Just because some female posters have had no problems with NuvaRing doesn't mean the OP's gf won't. It's an individual response.

 

The only real way to know is to switch the BC around a few times. Has she been on NuvaRing the entire year you've been together, OP? If so, if the side effects were to disappear, they would have disappeared long ago - time to change. If she's recent, then give it a few months. Also, if she's recent, was she always like this even before NuvaRing?

 

I feel if the OP truly loves her he would give her a few months to alter the BC regimen and see what becomes of that. There is plenty of time to leave once proven that it isn't the BC and isn't going to change; but once you leave it is usually irreversible, and you may be forever wondering 'What if?'. I definitely agree that he shouldn't enter into marriage before this issue is resolved though.

[Jon87]

Yes, she's been on nuva ring the entire time we've been together. I'm going to talk to her and ask her to try changing up her regimen, and hopefully that will solve the problem. Thanks Elswyth for your thoughts.

[jimbo]

I was on the nuva ring. It absolutely DOES kill your sex drive. In fact, I went off of it when it was impossible for me to even masturbate and have an orgasm. That might have been a bit too much info.

 

Any pics?

[kiss_andmakeup]

Jon... you can't blame this on the birthcontrol. She finds you attractive to look at... but doesn't feel any sexual chemistry with you. If you marry her you are an R-Tard.

 

I'm sorry but stop letting her play games with you. Tell her you need a change or its over. Also demand some honesty from her.

 

Are you joking? Or are you a doctor of women's health & medicine?

 

I have an almost obscenely high sex drive, and a year or so ago I went on a different brand & dosage of birth control. It practically made me a vegetable when it came to physical stuff. I didn't even want to masturbate (and I normally masturbate a couple times a week), and when I tried I couldn't get aroused enough to reach orgasm (normally I can have several fairly easily).

 

As Elswyth said, you really have no idea what can happen when hormones are messed with.

 

Once I switched back to my old brand and my old dosage, I was my old self again. I have been with the same boyfriend through all of this, so it's obviously not linked to attraction.

 

OP, ask your girlfriend if she'd consider asking her doctor about alternative birth controls. There are tons of options out there, many of which can reduce bleeding which you said is her primary concern.

 

If she tries a few different ones or goes off of it completely and is still like this, then you know you have a chemistry problem.

[Jon87]

That's really reassuring, thank you!

[Untouchable_Fire]

Are you joking? Or are you a doctor of women's health & medicine?

I have an almost obscenely high sex drive, and a year or so ago I went on a different brand & dosage of birth control. It practically made me a vegetable when it came to physical stuff. I didn't even want to masturbate (and I normally masturbate a couple times a week), and when I tried I couldn't get aroused enough to reach orgasm (normally I can have several fairly easily).

As Elswyth said, you really have no idea what can happen when hormones are messed with.

Once I switched back to my old brand and my old dosage, I was my old self again. I have been with the same boyfriend through all of this, so it's obviously not linked to attraction.

OP, ask your girlfriend if she'd consider asking her doctor about alternative birth controls. There are tons of options out there, many of which can reduce bleeding which you said is her primary concern.

If she tries a few different ones or goes off of it completely and is still like this, then you know you have a chemistry problem.

 

I get what your saying.... but this sounds like a much deeper issue.

 

We are not talking about sex here... since she took that off the table day 1. This is just the very, very basic stuff like kissing.

 

Also note that SHE is the one that threw out the idea it might be NuvaRing... yet seems to have done nothing to change it after a full year... what does that tell you? That makes me think she is using it as an excuse to cover another issue.

 

I might not be a doctor... but I have a ton more experience than you when it comes to dealing with female sex drive issues.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I get what your saying.... but this sounds like a much deeper issue.

 

We are not talking about sex here... since she took that off the table day 1. This is just the very, very basic stuff like kissing.

 

Also note that SHE is the one that threw out the idea it might be NuvaRing... yet seems to have done nothing to change it after a full year... what does that tell you? That makes me think she is using it as an excuse to cover another issue.

 

I might not be a doctor... but I have a ton more experience than you when it comes to dealing with female sex drive issues.

 

Well I have a ton more experience than you when it comes to dealing with birth control. If you want to make this a pissing contest, we can do that.

 

Kissing, touching etc is all related to sex drive. People touch and kiss each other to show their physical arousal and attraction for that person.

 

For me personally, when I dealt with the adverse effects of that specific pill, I didn't even want to be touched. I felt devoid of sexual or physical desire. And you have to have that desire to even want to kiss or touch someone.

 

I'm not ruling out the possibility of other factors at play, but as this one is the most controllable, it should be dealt with first.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Well I have a ton more experience than you when it comes to dealing with birth control. If you want to make this a pissing contest, we can do that.

Kissing, touching etc is all related to sex drive. People touch and kiss each other to show their physical arousal and attraction for that person.

For me personally, when I dealt with the adverse effects of that specific pill, I didn't even want to be touched. I felt devoid of sexual or physical desire. And you have to have that desire to even want to kiss or touch someone.

I'm not ruling out the possibility of other factors at play, but as this one is the most controllable, it should be dealt with first.

 

I agree with that.

 

If she has already considered birth control to be the issue... why has she not already taken steps to rectify this?

 

She knows this hurts him... so why does she not care to fix what she believes is the issue?

[Stung]

In one way, UF, you obviously have more experience than most of us--although you are assuming that none of us have ever dated women, which is not true, at least in my case. However, we have experience of the female sex drive from a very different perspective than yours.

 

I do not discount the very real possibility that this girl simply has a naturally low libido, or simply isn't really physically interested in the OP and stringing him along for whatever ulterior reason--yes, those are definitely possibilities.

 

But I, too, have a naturally very high libido, and I have also experienced it being snuffed out by hormonal birth control. I discovered first-hand that my own female sex drive is intricately interwoven with my desire for simple physical affection and kissing. The hormones worked slowly, ramping down my ability to climax first, then gradually cooling down my desire for sex, then kind of--removing me from wanting most forms of physical touch. I got into a very weird place where too much touching was unwanted, felt intrusive, and I got there gradually without really realizing how it happened until I sat back and remembered how I used to be. I switched bc methods at that point, and my emotions and sex drive opened back up wide shortly after, thought I also experienced some pretty radical mood swings, nausea and headaches, and my periods got so irregular that I became anemic for a short while. It made me very wary of hormonal birth control, I'll tell you that much. I was several years older than the OP's gf at the time, btw, much more in charge of my body and sexuality as I'd been sexually active for some time, and had a degree in the biological sciences to boot, which made me somewhat educated about the effects the hormones were having on me.

 

The OP's gf is young and inexperienced and taking her hormonal bc for medical reasons, prescribed by a doctor. I am not willing to fault her yet for being hesitant to go against her doctor's orders, or possibly being unaware that there are medical alternatives to treating her anemia, or being afraid of the hormonal fluctuations that might come with going off of the bc she has grown used to.

 

OP, if you love the girl and want to try to make it work, it's worth giving her the benefit of the doubt and accompanying her on a few doctor visits, if she is willing to try a different method of regulating her anemia. Be warned that it might take a couple months for her hormone levels to readjust. However, if she is unwilling to give this a try, that might be all the answer you need.

 

I would repeat my earlier caution: do NOT put marriage on the table if there is no resolution to your current state of affairs. NEVER go into a marriage without intimacy and affection, unless you are very clear about actually wanting a marriage of convenience. Personally, I would also caution against marrying somebody you've never had sex with, but that's up to you I guess.