Darth Vader Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 I know you didn't want this but think of it as a war. When I was getting divorced my lawyer told me it was a war. If you don't fight for everything you have know your STBXW and her lawyer will feed you to the meat grinder so you have to prepare to fight dirty. Woggle, I can't remember if you stated, but, did you win more than you lost?
Darth Vader Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Well.. we haven't "banged" for a while.. she was not really giving it up for about a month or so before she left, maybe a bit more. After the incident with the OM she started to get weird. Baby from me is highly unlikely. Still, get yourself to your lawyer and quick! You got to do some damage control of your own life!
Woggle Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Woggle, I can't remember if you stated, but, did you win more than you lost? I won everything. I got the house plus I didn't pay her any alimony. She got half the money in the account but that was a small price to pay compared to many other men and I owed her nothing after that. She got caught lying about being abused in court though so I am sure that had something to do with it.
Darth Vader Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 I won everything. I got the house plus I didn't pay her any alimony. She got half the money in the account but that was a small price to pay compared to many other men and I owed her nothing after that. She got caught lying about being abused in court though so I am sure that had something to do with it. GREAT!:cool: You kicked her ASS in court!:cool: She got caught lying about abuse in court, I wonder how.....
carhill Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 OP, the discourse raises a good point. How savvy is your wife? Mine was a connected businessperson with the mindset and means to do grave damage if she chose to, and had the wherewithall to do it. You know your wife better than anyone. If you go to war, how will she respond and what will be the collateral damage? I won't presume to advise you, as that is the job of your lawyer, but I can tell you that mine advised me to 'work it out if at all possible' and litigate as an absolute last resort. I've been in court enough with the firm to know how expensive court action is so I believed him and found another way. IMO, unless this is an ironclad referral, I'd suggest interviewing at least three lawyers. The side benefit is, once you interview them, they will be precluded from representing your wife. Remember, one step and one day at a time. This is, whether to divorce or reconcile, a long, arduous and often painful process. Take it in bites.
GorillaTheater Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 The side benefit is, once you interview them, they will be precluded from representing your wife. Ha, I've actually heard of this being used as a tactic. Only it wasn't 3 lawyers, it was more like 30. If you have the time and inclination, it may not be a bad idea at all to narrow the pool of lawyers available to your wife.
Woggle Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 GREAT!:cool: You kicked her ASS in court!:cool: She got caught lying about abuse in court, I wonder how..... She kept contradicting herself and the judge eventually told her she was full of it. It was a female judge also so not all women are unfair.
sumdude Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 I'm with Carhill on this. Other than having the lawyer write up the separation agreement which determined distribution I did the do it yourself divorce with online paperwork. Almost pulled it off except for one damn waiver which was miswritten. Ended up needing a lawyer to refile for me using the paperwork I wrote up.. But in the end my lawyer fees were right around $1000 which I split with the ex. Then again we didn't have much to fight over except the debt which as I said, I got stuck with. You can usually get a free initial consultation with a lawyer See 2 or three before you pick one and follow his advice. It's hard not to want to go for the throat when you've been hurt emotionally but use your head in this. It's more like chess than war. If you up the ante and go for war expect the price to go up. All depends on what you have to gain or lose. If there's a house and larger amounts of money involved then by all means be ready to stand your ground. However, in most cases if both parties were working full time and there are no children involved the courts will go for the 50/50 split. That's why getting the agreement done in writing ASAP is in your best interest.
carhill Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Ha, I've actually heard of this being used as a tactic. Only it wasn't 3 lawyers, it was more like 30. If you have the time and inclination, it may not be a bad idea at all to narrow the pool of lawyers available to your wife. A business colleague provided work for every major law firm in town so companies who sought to sue his company had to go out of the area for representation. True story. My best friend had to sue him and had to go 90 miles away to find a firm able to represent the case. His own retained firm couldn't represent him due to conflict of interest. I haven't seen that tactic applied to divorce but I guess it happens. Interview all the heavy hitters and leave the opponent with limited options for representation. Good 'war' tactic. As the OP might be sensing, all this 'stuff' takes on a life of its own, in my case at 300per. Be fully aware of what you sign up for when going to war. Knowledge is power.
FreeNow Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Knowledge is power. And don't give anyone more power over you than is prudent. I believe it's very important to assess how savvy she has the potential to be in this matter. If it were me, the best guess answer to that would determine most of my game plan. Mine wasn't very savvy but was surrounded by a group of savvy enablers. That coupled with the best interests of the children warranted a fast & furious first strike... shock and awe. The outcome was exactly as the children and I needed it to be.
Darth Vader Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 She kept contradicting herself and the judge eventually told her she was full of it. It was a female judge also so not all women are unfair. Woggle, just remember that statement, just for you my friend!
Darth Vader Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I'm with Carhill on this. Other than having the lawyer write up the separation agreement which determined distribution I did the do it yourself divorce with online paperwork. Almost pulled it off except for one damn waiver which was miswritten. Ended up needing a lawyer to refile for me using the paperwork I wrote up.. But in the end my lawyer fees were right around $1000 which I split with the ex. Then again we didn't have much to fight over except the debt which as I said, I got stuck with. You can usually get a free initial consultation with a lawyer See 2 or three before you pick one and follow his advice. It's hard not to want to go for the throat when you've been hurt emotionally but use your head in this. It's more like chess than war. If you up the ante and go for war expect the price to go up. All depends on what you have to gain or lose. If there's a house and larger amounts of money involved then by all means be ready to stand your ground. However, in most cases if both parties were working full time and there are no children involved the courts will go for the 50/50 split. That's why getting the agreement done in writing ASAP is in your best interest. Also make damn sure she can't go for Alimony! You don't want to pay through the nose for her screwing around!
Darth Vader Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 And don't give anyone more power over you than is prudent. I believe it's very important to assess how savvy she has the potential to be in this matter. If it were me, the best guess answer to that would determine most of my game plan. Mine wasn't very savvy but was surrounded by a group of savvy enablers. That coupled with the best interests of the children warranted a fast & furious first strike... shock and awe. The outcome was exactly as the children and I needed it to be. Why not share a little here, perhaps it will help surfer, I don't think he would mind under the circumstances. He's trying to get all the help he can!
FreeNow Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Why not share a little here, perhaps it will help surfer, I don't think he would mind under the circumstances. He's trying to get all the help he can! The general bits that applied to his situation have been posted. The details wouldn't match and, IMHO, would be a distraction from his goal. But just in case some might help; the meat & potato details would be: She abandoned the home.I tried to work out a dissolution with her. (Big mistake, she kept changing her mind.)I took the dissolution framework we spoke about in the first agreement and wrote one up using a standard framework from my attorney (long time acquaintance of mine). Attorney was my 'officially' retained attorney but I only paid filing fees, IIRC.At the same time, had the attorney write up a petition for divorce using the grounds I enumerated. I refreshed my 'grounds' knowledge with our state's online statutes beforehand. I threw every ground that could possibly be claimed (not necessarily proven, but claimed); adultery, abandonment, mental cruelty, etc. I also asked for temporary custody, temporary maintenance (alimony), temporary child support, the marital home, etc.The very next day she waffled about signing the dissolution. (Long after the divorce final, I heard that she began shooting her mouth off to others about her going to file first! I spoke to only those necessary during the process ~ Loose lips sink ships!)The moment she waffled, I told her that I'd have to make the changes to the agreement and would call her back when it was done. It never was done because I really wasn't willing to go back and forth with it. I immediately called the attorney and had the petition for divorce filed within 15~25 minutes later.She was served at the local LE station. They called her down but wouldn't tell her why, just to appear... then they served her. I don't know why they did that but maybe she had pissed them off in the past or whatever. The point is that she was served right away and definitively.She did not respond to the petition within the number of days allowed so it could have been a summary judgment. However, since the courts here are very gentle/lax and they have a female bias, I *knew* that she would be able to drag things out and get legal aid so I called her and asked her why she didn't respond. She asked me for legal advice and I told her to consult with an attorney. She pressed and I gave in and told her it would be a summary judgment in which my reliefs would be granted unless... she signed the first dissolution upon which we agreed. She said that is what she wanted to do. I reminded her that she needed to consult with her own attorney. She babbled on about some self righteous crud... wasn't listening to her. Told her, well, have to go... not my problem! She asked how to sign so I gave her my attorney's telephone number to set an appointment ASAP to sign.Right after getting off of the telephone, I called my attorney (either at the office or home... don't remember) and gave the heads up.She signed next day or two and the attorney filed it before the ink was dry.When the court date arrived she hemmed and hawed; still hadn't sought legal counsel. Eventually she agreed to go in and affirm the agreement that we had signed.And that was it. Important things to note: She chose to not get an attorney.The chances of this court granting me alimony was slim to none and my attorney even told me that. My response was "Hit fast and hard... I know it won't likely fly but she doesn't!"If she hadn't signed the dissolution, even though she was facing a default judgment, it was most likely that the court would have sent her all kinds of free legal advice and it would have been a drawn out process. The children needed this over. It was a little quick for my emotional health but in hindsight it was the absolute best way to do it.She could have spoken to the court clerks at any time and they would have directed her on how to simply answer the initial petition, advised her about legal aid, and bunches of other free services. She was too lazy to even do that and she already figured she'd lost. Additionally, she was too busy trying to hide her guilt to friends and family while I was unleashing the legal first strike.She could have done so much better for herself but took the boobie prize of me taking on a few debts. She was too greedy to see beyond the moment.It took me 1 day, no more than 2 days, to get the whole thing together.Local rules allow for *final * dissolution hearing to be no less than 45 days and no more than 90 days ~ depends on docket load. I think mine ran about 50 days from her first waffle to final divorce decree and decree recorded within 3 days after final hearing. She feared a legal finding of adultery even though it means absolutely nothing nowadays.Details might be a little off in the retelling but the basic flow is there.I'm not proud of what I had to do, but it is what it is.
Author Surfer203 Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 The more I read the stuff.. the more right it seems. She obviouslly does not care about me or my well being. Time to cut the cord.
FreeNow Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 (edited) BTW: We only had one hearing; the final. If you are set to do this thing, IMHO, it's best to do it quickly. YMMV! ETA: My previous post's time frame didn't include the allotted time for the defendant to respond. The point was that it was very quick in large part because I expedited it by being prepared, on top of things, and as played it as cool as was possible for me. Edited December 1, 2010 by FreeNow ETA
Darth Vader Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 The general bits that applied to his situation have been posted. The details wouldn't match and, IMHO, would be a distraction from his goal. But just in case some might help; the meat & potato details would be: She abandoned the home.I tried to work out a dissolution with her. (Big mistake, she kept changing her mind.)I took the dissolution framework we spoke about in the first agreement and wrote one up using a standard framework from my attorney (long time acquaintance of mine). Attorney was my 'officially' retained attorney but I only paid filing fees, IIRC.At the same time, had the attorney write up a petition for divorce using the grounds I enumerated. I refreshed my 'grounds' knowledge with our state's online statutes beforehand. I threw every ground that could possibly be claimed (not necessarily proven, but claimed); adultery, abandonment, mental cruelty, etc. I also asked for temporary custody, temporary maintenance (alimony), temporary child support, the marital home, etc.The very next day she waffled about signing the dissolution. (Long after the divorce final, I heard that she began shooting her mouth off to others about her going to file first! I spoke to only those necessary during the process ~ Loose lips sink ships!)The moment she waffled, I told her that I'd have to make the changes to the agreement and would call her back when it was done. It never was done because I really wasn't willing to go back and forth with it. I immediately called the attorney and had the petition for divorce filed within 15~25 minutes later.She was served at the local LE station. They called her down but wouldn't tell her why, just to appear... then they served her. I don't know why they did that but maybe she had pissed them off in the past or whatever. The point is that she was served right away and definitively.She did not respond to the petition within the number of days allowed so it could have been a summary judgment. However, since the courts here are very gentle/lax and they have a female bias, I *knew* that she would be able to drag things out and get legal aid so I called her and asked her why she didn't respond. She asked me for legal advice and I told her to consult with an attorney. She pressed and I gave in and told her it would be a summary judgment in which my reliefs would be granted unless... she signed the first dissolution upon which we agreed. She said that is what she wanted to do. I reminded her that she needed to consult with her own attorney. She babbled on about some self righteous crud... wasn't listening to her. Told her, well, have to go... not my problem! She asked how to sign so I gave her my attorney's telephone number to set an appointment ASAP to sign.Right after getting off of the telephone, I called my attorney (either at the office or home... don't remember) and gave the heads up.She signed next day or two and the attorney filed it before the ink was dry.When the court date arrived she hemmed and hawed; still hadn't sought legal counsel. Eventually she agreed to go in and affirm the agreement that we had signed.And that was it.Important things to note: She chose to not get an attorney.The chances of this court granting me alimony was slim to none and my attorney even told me that. My response was "Hit fast and hard... I know it won't likely fly but she doesn't!"If she hadn't signed the dissolution, even though she was facing a default judgment, it was most likely that the court would have sent her all kinds of free legal advice and it would have been a drawn out process. The children needed this over. It was a little quick for my emotional health but in hindsight it was the absolute best way to do it.She could have spoken to the court clerks at any time and they would have directed her on how to simply answer the initial petition, advised her about legal aid, and bunches of other free services. She was too lazy to even do that and she already figured she'd lost. Additionally, she was too busy trying to hide her guilt to friends and family while I was unleashing the legal first strike.She could have done so much better for herself but took the boobie prize of me taking on a few debts. She was too greedy to see beyond the moment.It took me 1 day, no more than 2 days, to get the whole thing together.Local rules allow for *final * dissolution hearing to be no less than 45 days and no more than 90 days ~ depends on docket load. I think mine ran about 50 days from her first waffle to final divorce decree and decree recorded within 3 days after final hearing. She feared a legal finding of adultery even though it means absolutely nothing nowadays.Details might be a little off in the retelling but the basic flow is there.I'm not proud of what I had to do, but it is what it is. DAMN! You pratically raped her in court! I don't say that loosely though! What is YMMV? You said that in another post up. Be proud enough MAN! You did what you had to do, you got sole coustody, right? Then it was well worth it!
Darth Vader Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 (edited) The more I read the stuff.. the more right it seems. She obviouslly does not care about me or my well being. Time to cut the cord. AGREED! Only don't talk with her, or her friends! I would say "and her little dog too", but she doesn't have one of those! Oh, and if you are confronted, just say, I'm fine, I'm just busy with work and all! (:lmao:working on getting the HELL away from you, and getting your ass out of my life!) Of course, you don't tell her the part in the funny little brackets, you know that, right? Edited December 1, 2010 by Darth Vader
marg Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 This was a very interesting read!! My situation is different bc it is my hubby who has the OW, but I did get an atty first and told him we could just use mine no need for him to get one. I work for the court system in Arkansas and it is no secret in the past domestic courts sided with women. But ideas are changing and the playing field is being leveled somewhat. I know that this happens to men and women everyday. Its hard as hell no matter who gender u are to be the one left while ur spouse has "other" ppl in their lives.
FreeNow Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 DAMN! You pratically raped her in court! I don't say that loosely though! What is YMMV? You said that in another post up. Be proud enough MAN! You did what you had to do, you got sole coustody, right? Then it was well worth it! YMMV = Your Mileage May Vary (i.e. result may vary) As close to sole custody as our jurisdiction allowed without stripping parental rights completely. They won't let a parent voluntarily relinquish them without a step or adoptive parent willing to step up... and I refuse to marry again. I'm not proud of what I had to do. I had to put down the rabid dog she had become and it broke my heart. I'm fine now but wasn't so at the time. It was just another job that needed done for the good of our family. If the situation were reversed, I'd hope she would've step up and done the same for the children. On topic: Surfer's divorce isn't going to be anything like that. I just wanted to make sure he knows that one shouldn't go into battle light on these matters. If the other guy is bigger, stronger, faster, etc then it's wise to kick his ass quickly and completely otherwise run away very, very fast!
FreeNow Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Oh, and if you are confronted, just say, I'm fine, I'm just busy with work and all! ^ This is important! Yep... wriggle out of any accidental confrontation like that. The non-cheating spouse talking can be their own worst enemy. Delay and stall her much like she has done to you.
Eye of Hourus Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 A useful link http://www.jud.ct.gov/lawlib/law/divorce.htm. Some grounds you can file under : © A decree of dissolution of a marriage or a decree of legal separation shall be granted upon a finding that one of the following causes has occurred: (1) The marriage has broken down irretrievably; (2) the parties have lived apart by reason of incompatibility for a continuous period of at least the eighteen months immediately prior to the service of the complaint and that there is no reasonable prospect that they will be reconciled; (3) adultery; (4) fraudulent contract; (5) wilful desertion for one year with total neglect of duty; (6) seven years' absence, during all of which period the absent party has not been heard from; (7) habitual intemperance; (8) intolerable cruelty; (9) sentence to imprisonment for life or the commission of any infamous crime involving a violation of conjugal duty and punishable by imprisonment for a period in excess of one year; (10) legal confinement in a hospital or hospitals or other similar institution or institutions, because of mental illness, for at least an accumulated period totaling five years within the period of six years next preceding the date of the complaint. You should follow the FreeNow's example. The Eye. “Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils” Louis-Hector Berlioz.
Author Surfer203 Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 Again.. thanks for all of this info. I have got in touch with a couple of lawyers, trying to set up some consultations.
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