Surfer203 Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Wondering whether I should initiate the divorce or if my wife should pending her decision? I am thinking if I do it, I have to pay the money to get the process going but it shows that I am the one who is requesting the divorce. If she does it, funny enough she can't afford it because she quit her job and is on unemployment (all of which comes to me for our bills). If this does not work out I would love her to suffer. But, if she files then it shows she wants the divorce and can lie about circumstances, this may cause her to win in a ruling. What are your thoughts? I assume I should just do it as planned.
Ballerfamily Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Wondering whether I should initiate the divorce or if my wife should pending her decision? I am thinking if I do it, I have to pay the money to get the process going but it shows that I am the one who is requesting the divorce. If she does it, funny enough she can't afford it because she quit her job and is on unemployment (all of which comes to me for our bills). If this does not work out I would love her to suffer. But, if she files then it shows she wants the divorce and can lie about circumstances, this may cause her to win in a ruling. What are your thoughts? I assume I should just do it as planned. Give it a week. Talk to your lawyer and have him draw up a disillusionment. It will save you money. Weight it on your side, so there is negotiation room. Hit her soon before she gets her s___ together. She doesnt care right now, but she will. Then she'll know its serious
Woggle Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 File yourself and get a good lawyer. It will give you an advantage in court.
Darth Vader Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 File yourself and get a good lawyer. It will give you an advantage in court. You should file first. Sometimes there's an advantage to filing first as you will be ahead of her in terms of getting this taken care of. But, you also need to protect yourself financially, your cars, house, retirement and 401k investments. Get a separate bank account! Ask your lawyer about abandonment on her part. Make sure that you don't leave the home, she cheated, she leaves, Period! Woggle's right, be sure to get a good laywer as she's been known to twist things around on you.
carhill Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 If it's amicable, cooperating can arrange things so the financially impoverished party can get aid with filing fees and legal help. We didn't qualify for direct aid, but a local law school mediated our settlement and prepared the court documents for free and did a good job. In a contested divorce, better to lawyer up and prepare to spend a good chunk of change. Based on my lawyers estimate and my own legal fees on other matters, I had budgeted about 50K for fees and expenses. Fortunately, an amicable solution was found. I can't underscore how much this aspect affects a positive outcome. In our case, I was the MM, so think of me as your W. That didn't obviate my seeing the value in aggressively pursuing an amicable solution. Your circumstances are uniquely your own. If you want to divorce, file. You'll get a free hour or so of legal help, then billing by the hour plus filing fees. My lawyer estimated about 2K to prepare and file in our case. If you think your wife will be a problem, better to have a lawyer involved at the beginning. You can use them as much or as little as required. My sympathies...
GorillaTheater Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 You should file first. Sometimes there's an advantage to filing first as you will be ahead of her in terms of getting this taken care of. But, you also need to protect yourself financially, your cars, house, retirement and 401k investments. Get a separate bank account! Ask your lawyer about abandonment on her part. Make sure that you don't leave the home, she cheated, she leaves, Period! Woggle's right, be sure to get a good laywer as she's been known to twist things around on you. Agreed, there are some advantages to being the plaintiff, mainly being in a somewhat better position to set the pace and tone of the divorce. But FIRST: separate finances, gather all necessary documents (financial, etc. - check with your lawyer) and get them to a secure place, and whatever other preliminary work your lawyer advises.
carhill Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 The funny thing in our case was the first thing I copied, long before I even exposed my EA to my exW, was our marriage license, being that we got married in a different state and she had custody of the document. Ironically, the legal document proving our marriage wasn't even part of the proceedings Oh, GT has a great point. The way we structured our D, with my exW as petitioner in an uncontested action, caused issues and delays down the road when she and her paralegal kept getting the filings/forms wrong. I had to finally get involved and straighten things out. That was when we contacted the law school for help. So, if you're petitioner, you can have more direct control of the process. Ultimately, though, either you and your wife will agree on things or a judge will decide it for you. I heartily suggest the former
FreeNow Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 The method I used: - Engage a very good attorney. - Prepare all things, especially financial (monies, etc), legally in your favor. Work quickly with the attorney to draw up a dissolution that you can live with and that you believe she will sign. *** - Have a petition for divorce 100% ready to go in the event she doesn't sign. Don't threaten her with it as you want her signature to be free and not under coercion. You also don't want to tip your hand. - If she signs then great! If your state allows a clause that it becomes your petition for divorce should she try to back out later then make sure it is properly in there. - If she doesn't sign then file your backup petition for divorce immediately. IMHO, do these things and you stand less of a chance of getting financially soaked in the divorce proceedings. *** Don't play "Mr. Nice Guy"... balance between your favor and to what she is likely to agree -- you can give her more *after* the divorce is final. You won't want to and will be thankful later that you weren't a fool but it is always your option if you feel some bizarre guilt months/weeks/years afterward.
FreeNow Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 I forgot to add. Make sure the attorney is yours. I wouldn't share an attorney in a divorce proceeding for anything. Indeed, I'd go pro se/pro per if that were my only option. Some dissolutions go well cooperatively but I've seen them go not so well. At least while she is feeling somewhat guilty about abandoning the marriage and trying to deny her role in it; she might be more inclined to sign on the dotted line and get on with "her life". Good luck and you have my condolences.
Darth Vader Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 The method I used: - Engage a very good attorney. - Prepare all things, especially financial (monies, etc), legally in your favor. Work quickly with the attorney to draw up a dissolution that you can live with and that you believe she will sign. *** - Have a petition for divorce 100% ready to go in the event she doesn't sign. Don't threaten her with it as you want her signature to be free and not under coercion. You also don't want to tip your hand. - If she signs then great! If your state allows a clause that it becomes your petition for divorce should she try to back out later then make sure it is properly in there. - If she doesn't sign then file your backup petition for divorce immediately. IMHO, do these things and you stand less of a chance of getting financially soaked in the divorce proceedings. *** Don't play "Mr. Nice Guy"... balance between your favor and to what she is likely to agree -- you can give her more *after* the divorce is final. You won't want to and will be thankful later that you weren't a fool but it is always your option if you feel some bizarre guilt months/weeks/years afterward. Actually, you don't want to end up paying her anything! She cheated so she shouldn't get anything but what she brought into the marriage! You're better off than most men because usually there's a herd of children in the mix to really turn things ugly! Then you got to fight for custody then worry about child support payments, and even if it's joint custody, you still will have to deal with the witch in terms that you have to see her, in your case, when you drop her ass, there's nothing tying you to her for the rest of your life! Whatever you do, don't sleep with the BITCH! I say this because sometimes the woman will get pregnant and be all scared and think of you, come back, sleep with you and then you'd be none the wiser that you'd be raising her OM's baby, even if you found out later, by then you may feel obligated to stay and raise her OM's baby!
sumdude Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Actually, you don't want to end up paying her anything! She cheated so she shouldn't get anything but what she brought into the marriage! You're better off than most men because usually there's a herd of children in the mix to really turn things ugly! Then you got to fight for custody then worry about child support payments, and even if it's joint custody, you still will have to deal with the witch in terms that you have to see her, in your case, when you drop her ass, there's nothing tying you to her for the rest of your life! Whether someone cheated or not will be pretty much irrelevant to the court system. Essentially you're looking at a 50/50 split of marital assets. This is any and all assets as well as liabilities real and monetary gained during the duration of the marriage. This means any real estate, checking accounts, savings, debts, cars, furniture, even retirement funds etc etc. So if you take the initiative in starting the process and having the separation agreement drawn up by a lawyer you'll be in a better position to protect yourself. Have it drawn up then give it to her to sign. Then she'll have to come up with any changes to it quickly while she finds a lawyer etc. Try your best to hammer it out between each other. Just don't try too hard to get over, it will bite you in the end if you both lawyer up. Because once two lawyers start fighting it out they end up with more money than either you or your soon to be ex! In my case the marital 'assets' were all debts. Legally we should have both been responsible for them. In reality they were all in my name so I ended up stuck with them. It would have cost me more in legal fees to get anything from her than just paying it all off myself.
FreeNow Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Actually, you don't want to end up paying her anything! Yep, didn't mean paying her anything if he can help from it. However, the way the courts work, they might tie the house up on the market forever unless one agrees to buy out the financial interest of the other. In my case there were children involved so it had to be sweetened with her favorite thing; money! you may feel obligated to stay and raise her OM's baby! The husband is presumed to be the father and in some jurisdictions, he can get stuck for child support even if the child isn't biologically his. Surfer... just watch out for things to turn ugly; false DV charges, false rape charges, "Oops! I'm pregnant and it's yours.", etc. Not saying that this will happen (and I don't see any reason why it would), just keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth closed. Play the hand close to the vest and mind your tells. Do not tip your hand.
Darth Vader Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Yep, didn't mean paying her anything if he can help from it. However, the way the courts work, they might tie the house up on the market forever unless one agrees to buy out the financial interest of the other. In my case there were children involved so it had to be sweetened with her favorite thing; money! The husband is presumed to be the father and in some jurisdictions, he can get stuck for child support even if the child isn't biologically his. Surfer... just watch out for things to turn ugly; false DV charges, false rape charges, "Oops! I'm pregnant and it's yours.", etc. Not saying that this will happen (and I don't see any reason why it would), just keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth closed. Play the hand close to the vest and mind your tells. Do not tip your hand. This is why a Paternity test is a MUST should this arise! Even the courts can't deny a test like that and hopefully it would get him off the hook! This is where Adultry should be a legality in the judical system, also it should be viewed as a crime, because all in all it's a form of attempted murder, why you may ask, STD's!
Author Surfer203 Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 Wow -thanks for all of the advice! I am awaiting my consultation with the lawyer. Hopefully it does not come to this, but I would rather be prepared to take action. The OM baby would be a nightmare if she came back. If you recall, she is OFF of birth control because we were ready to start trying to make a family. So, it is a distinct possibility that she gets knocked up. If she did come back pregnant I would show her the door. I am not raising some one else's mistake. F*** that! We will see where this goes.
PegNosePete Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Even if you do reconcile, make sure you don't have kids for at least a few years. You need to make sure your marriage is totally fixed before making that commitment. It might be tempting, with the "hysterical bonding" that usually goes with a reconciliation, but please please use protection!!
FreeNow Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 This is why a Paternity test is a MUST should this arise! Even the courts can't deny a test like that and hopefully it would get him off the hook! Not to go too far off topic... there have been cases where the man has been proven to not be the father yet still had to pay up. The courts are more concerned with financial security of children than injustice done to one adult party in the matter. Generally speaking, divorce is not about right or wrong; it is the civil dissolution of a contract. (I'm sure that you are well aware of these things but I'm putting it in the thread for anyone that might stumble along and be a bit naive about the nature of the beast.)
2.50 a gallon Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Yes file first. Each state is different. So some advice here might not work in your state. Free Now's post about her feeling guilty makes sense. You might be able to use that in a dissolution to get her to assume a good part of her debts. Also, it will state that after a certain date, like tomorrow, you will not be responsible for any new debts she incurs.
Author Surfer203 Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 I never wanted it to come to this, but I realize that I have to act first. She does not even have the money anyway, so that sucks for her. I am sure her lawyer will be crap compared to what I can afford.. I may have to get some help from my folks, but they would be totally behind me in this. I know mediation is an option, but part of me wants this to REALLY sting.
carhill Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Calculate the real and monetary costs of 'making it sting' and decide if that path is the healthiest path. My law firm takes credit cards. Litigate and earn miles. No convenience fee. They also do bankruptcies. Also, don't forget women have a very valuable power; the power to motivate other men to help them, both emotionally and monetarily. Your wife is aware of her power. You should be too. IMO, it's better to not be so sure of a particular outcome based on a perceived superior position. Work the real. Good luck
Author Surfer203 Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 Loud and clear. Thanks.. haha.
sumdude Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Calculate the real and monetary costs of 'making it sting' and decide if that path is the healthiest path. My law firm takes credit cards. Litigate and earn miles. No convenience fee. They also do bankruptcies. Also, don't forget women have a very valuable power; the power to motivate other men to help them, both emotionally and monetarily. Your wife is aware of her power. You should be too. IMO, it's better to not be so sure of a particular outcome based on a perceived superior position. Work the real. Good luck There are few things a lawyer loves to hear more then "billable hours".
carhill Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 True 'dat. I might have gone the 'sting like a bee' route had it not been for substantial experience with exactly that dynamic. Experience tempered emotion and I found a different path. That said, being proactive and assertive does have its place and can effect positive results.
Woggle Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 I never wanted it to come to this, but I realize that I have to act first. She does not even have the money anyway, so that sucks for her. I am sure her lawyer will be crap compared to what I can afford.. I may have to get some help from my folks, but they would be totally behind me in this. I know mediation is an option, but part of me wants this to REALLY sting. I know you didn't want this but think of it as a war. When I was getting divorced my lawyer told me it was a war. If you don't fight for everything you have know your STBXW and her lawyer will feed you to the meat grinder so you have to prepare to fight dirty.
Darth Vader Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Wow -thanks for all of the advice! I am awaiting my consultation with the lawyer. Hopefully it does not come to this, but I would rather be prepared to take action. The OM baby would be a nightmare if she came back. If you recall, she is OFF of birth control because we were ready to start trying to make a family. So, it is a distinct possibility that she gets knocked up. If she did come back pregnant I would show her the door. I am not raising some one else's mistake. F*** that! We will see where this goes. Then DOCUMENT the last time you two screwed in case she gets preggers then you can track it, and still get paternity testing done! When do you see the Lawyer? Tell the lawyer about her being off of Birth Control and ask about what your rights are in this matter, even what you can do to protect yourself!
Author Surfer203 Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 Well.. we haven't "banged" for a while.. she was not really giving it up for about a month or so before she left, maybe a bit more. After the incident with the OM she started to get weird. Baby from me is highly unlikely.
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