Can I Fix it This Time?

[C-dot]

Hi all, this is my first post here. I came here because I'm getting a little desperate and need advice.

 

I've been in an exclusive relationship for 6 months. When we met, everything was perfect. Our first date was perfect. The first 2 months were perfect. We would talk for hours about everything, and the conversations flowed seamlessly. We'd never met anyone like each other and we were both head over heels in love. Our families loved each other. I felt like this was it - That we couldn't be happier, and maybe after some time had passed, we could plan a future together.

 

It's all changed now.

 

I don't remember where it started or what set it off, but once we got comfortable around each other, it was like our relationship was established, so it could just be left alone from there. He started working 12 hour days, and would only call me when he was taking a short break or needed to vent about something. That was fine with me, although I missed him, because I knew how hard he wanted to work to be successful. Besides, the honeymoon phase couldn't last forever, could it?

 

Then we stopped going out. We'd only ever gone out once every two weeks, and I used to look forward to it. I understood money was tight - He's a budding entrepreneur and I'm a student. He used to make jokes about dinner with me was an expense and I shouldn't get used to it. He'd laughingly point out how expensive drinks or entreés are. But he made the jokes more and more often, and I noticed he was no longer laughing. I offered to pick up the tab on these dates, but he said he'd "feel weird" if I paid. He had such a problem with taking me for a $60.00 dinner every few weeks, but had no problem dropping $300.00 every week on the latest tool or brand new equipment for his workshop. Our date nights turned into sitting on the couch watching football games... I hate watching football.

 

Months of this went by. He'd put everything before me - Work, his mother, his TV shows. If I tried to bring up lightly an isolated situation that bothered me, he would lose his temper in anger. He was working so much that he didn't have time, and he was stressed to the maximum. So I decided to give him his space to work, and only came over when he asked.

 

Then, two weekends ago, he went up north to visit his family at their farm. He ignored me the entire time. At 6.00 that Sunday, I was so hurt and angry, and I sent him a message saying it wasn't fair for him to treat me this way. That's when the fighting started, and it didn't stop until last night... nearly two weeks later.

 

In these weeks I've learned many things about how he sees our relationship. He told me his work will always be more important to him than me, that it was his top priority. Hes said many times that I can leave him if I want to, that it'd be nice to have me around but he isn't going to play games and try to convince me to stay. He says he talks to me on the phone, and sees me twice a week, and I can't expect anything more from him. He says that he doesn't have the "luxury" of finishing school at 2 most days and having "nothing else to fill time with." (This is simply not true: I'm a law student with an overfull course load and have plenty to fill my time with. I make time for him.)

 

At one point, I was done and ready to leave. But he came back at the last second and said we shouldn't argue, that we should just be the perfect couple we were at the beginning and enjoy life together. He blames me for the first and subsequent arguments, but says he'll "let it go". I've given up trying to talk to him about what happened because he just loses his temper, even if I only explain how I feel.

 

I'm tired of the animosity, and sick about what happened. When we aren't fighting, we have the best time together. I've tried to fix what I did wrong but it doesn't seem to be working. Everything I say makes him explode in anger. I don't ever want to stand in the way of his work, either. What else can I do? I love him very much and don't want to give up on this relationship without a fight.

Edited November 29, 2010 by C-dot

[poorguy]

The honeymoon stage is officially over...You guys are in the power struggle stage now. If you google it you can read about it and it may shed some light on your situation and help

[C-dot]

Thank you very much. I'm glad I read this. My family has been telling me that he's emotionally abusing me and hes ended up controlling my behaviour, and that I'm just not the same person. They say what's happened isn't my fault, but I can't help thinking it is. I can't stand the thought that I may have ruined what was so great.

Edited November 29, 2010 by C-dot

[poorguy]

All that's going on here is you guys met, fell in love, then got comfortable, then real life set in and day to day routines and habits became the norm. Two people together with different agendas basically. This is usually make or break time in a newer relationship