She left. I waited. I moved on. Now I abandoned her?

[dng]

Hi folks,

 

Just a weird situation here.

 

I have other posts that explain the situation but basically she moved out end of June saying it was only temporary, not a breakup. She was unhappy, I accepted that and I respected her decision to move out and let us cool off, even if I didnt agree with it.

 

A few weeks later was already with someone else. I sensed it but she waited until september before she told me about it and said it was over.

 

I went NC as best as I could from the start but she was calling and texting all the time (love you, made the biggest mistake, want to come back - but never any followup) and I couldnt filter them all out. I needed to talk/see her so much but she never had anything to say. I however didnt call her after the first 2 weeks, when I realized everything was only about her. She was now unreliable, would say "i'll call you back tomorrow" but would call back 3 days later, etc.

 

End of september/beginning of october she started talking about getting back together but at this point I couldn't believe her anymore. She said it so many times in july, august, and never followed up. She went as far as to ask me to lend her money - a cool thousand - and I agreed because over the course of nine years she has so often helped me out.

 

Then I realised our problems could have been resolved *before* she left but the decision she made was to leave me behind with all the bills and a 1 year lease.

 

Suddenly, I no longer felt any commitment to her.

 

So I sent her an email that said "Its over, there's nothing to talk about, everything has been discussed, please leave me alone".

 

The barrage of calls, emails and texts that ensued was formidable. I had to take steps every week for the past 4 weeks to free myself from her. Block FB, block her email address, block another one she created after and finally block all her calls and texts with my cell phone because she was calling me at 4am.

 

And I'm so glad I made that decision. Even if I still wake up everyday thinking of her, the way she left under false pretenses, the way she would call me all the time while dating another guy and not letting me go and heal myself, the way she used my love for her to borrow some money... She really lost it.

 

Now the point. In all the emails I received before I blocked her, she states than I'm abandoning her, what happened to our love, our dreams, our life together.

 

I find that purely offensive. She left me and now I'm the bad guy?

[AlisaMarie]

Guilt and mind games. She wants to control you and make you feel bad when she was the one moving on! My ex got mad at me for doing things without him like sporting events and hanging out with my friends. We weren't together! Come to find out he has been sneaking around with numerous girls from his college and work. He blamed me for everything wrong! It's a mind game so they feel better about how ****ty they actual are and are feeling. Don't let her control your emotions or your thoughts. She moved on, remember that. You did everything right by blocking and shutting her out... and venting here!

[Perhaps]

Guilt and mind games. She wants to control you and make you feel bad when she was the one moving on! My ex got mad at me for doing things without him like sporting events and hanging out with my friends. We weren't together! Come to find out he has been sneaking around with numerous girls from his college and work. He blamed me for everything wrong! It's a mind game so they feel better about how ****ty they actual are and are feeling. Don't let her control your emotions or your thoughts. She moved on, remember that. You did everything right by blocking and shutting her out... and venting here!

 

You said yourself: she left.

 

Let her feel abandoned.

[dng]

Which goes to show this simple truth: stick to NC if you ever want to get over them.

 

Now, NC to get someone back, I dont think it can work. NC will make them so curious, so thirsty to know why, suddenly, you don't need them anymore.

 

It may make them come back but.. you are not over them, you won't be able to keep your new "persona" running for long and soon enought you will crumble and they will leave you all over again for the same reasons.

 

It looks like the simple truth is what everyone here says: once they leave, its over. You may be able to put it on a ventilator for a while but the sooner you walk out, the better.

 

Sucks!

[paleblue]

Her saying you abandoned her is just her way of attempting to relieve her guilty feelings for deceiving you. Nothing more. You are not to blame. And you are not the bad guy. So don't even think it. She is the one who left you, and worse, under false pretences. You just cant trust people like this. Once they do it to you the first time, they will do it again if you let them in again. She left you and was banging some other guy while you were hanging out hurting for her. She didn't care. Every time you start feeling bad about it just think about that. She is a selfish little girl. Good decision erasing this one out of your life.

[reknown29]

Her saying you abandoned her is just her way of attempting to relieve her guilty feelings for deceiving you. Nothing more. You are not to blame. And you are not the bad guy. So don't even think it. She is the one who left you, and worse, under false pretences. You just cant trust people like this. Once they do it to you the first time, they will do it again if you let them in again. She left you and was banging some other guy while you were hanging out hurting for her. She didn't care. Every time you start feeling bad about it just think about that. She is a selfish little girl. Good decision erasing this one out of your life.

 

Well put. I am being treated the same. Its a reality check to think that she is being banged by some guy and is for sure not thinking of me at all, while I am at home crying about our relationship.

 

There comes a time where you have to slap yourself in the face and say 'wtf, wake up'. Then move on. Your post just helped me get here.

[dng]

Well put. I am being treated the same. Its a reality check to think that she is being banged by some guy and is for sure not thinking of me at all, while I am at home crying about our relationship.

 

There comes a time where you have to slap yourself in the face and say 'wtf, wake up'. Then move on. Your post just helped me get here.

 

The facts that she stated were that she started seeing someone about 3 weeks after she left and it went on for a month.

 

I don't really believe her but let's assume for a minute that its true.

 

She couldnt care less how I felt during that time. She would say one thing but then do the other thing. Even back then she was guilt tripping me about how devastated she was over leaving.

 

Now in her last email - which I deleted but I remember some passages - she wrote that she couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't listen to music anymore, everything remember me of her.

 

I find it so retarded she had to push it this far. That's the state her leaving put me in over the summer and she couldn't care less!

 

She even it made worse progressively by making the decision every week to come back, then stall until she would say "oh never mind, I changed my mind".

 

Even knowin all of this, I found and still find it hard to ignore her and find myself wondering if she's doing better. I know that by going full NC, I've now reversed the roles and she's someone made herself believe that now, I'm the perpetrator of the break up.

 

Stupid stupid stupid irony.

[Woggle]

You dodged a bullet by abandoning her. It's a typical case of blame shifting and a person refusing to accept in any part in how things turned out.

[dng]

Her saying you abandoned her is just her way of attempting to relieve her guilty feelings for deceiving you. Nothing more. You are not to blame. And you are not the bad guy. So don't even think it. She is the one who left you, and worse, under false pretences. You just cant trust people like this. Once they do it to you the first time, they will do it again if you let them in again. She left you and was banging some other guy while you were hanging out hurting for her. She didn't care. Every time you start feeling bad about it just think about that. She is a selfish little girl. Good decision erasing this one out of your life.

 

Thanks. Your words are good.

[dng]

You dodged a bullet by abandoning her. It's a typical case of blame shifting and a person refusing to accept in any part in how things turned out.

 

True enought.

 

It took me the longest time to realize how much she had changed...

 

I only wish I would have went NC sooner but then again, I really did the best that I could.

 

This whole thing almost cost me my job and my life is far from being in order yet.

 

I understand it was a big decision to leave me, but to do it in incremental steps like she did, now that was cruel. At least I got to tell her all these things, not that she understood...

[dng]

You know why she wasn't hesitant about walking away? It's because she knew she had you on the back burner. Only when you asserted yourself by telling her it's over did she come crawling back.

 

Don't take her guilt trips to heart. She's the one acting crazy.

 

You're not responsible for her; neither should you be willing to sit around and wait for her.

 

Oh I'm done waiting.

 

I still think about her all the time, but I'm over her as a person, just not over my feelings for her yet.

 

Its just hard to leave her in the hole she dug for herself.

[reknown29]

Where Im at is, if someone causes you pain, walk away from them. In both of our cases, our ex girls our causes us and themselves pain. Hopefully they will learn if we ignore them. Its harsh but there really is no other way.