lonely79 Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Hey Everyone, Im new here... I am contemplating being in a LDR but am having issues about wondering what the point is. here's my story in a nutshell...knew this guy for about 3 years (worked together), we recently discovered a very very intense attraction and have had some really fun times together and want to be together but he JUST moved to a different city (about 5 hours by car). its all incredibly bad timing. He has been back once to visit and its so awesome when we are together, like, beyond anything I've had before (and we are both in our 30s, so its not like we're inexperienced), and it seems like a colossal shame to just let it go without at least giving it a try. But on the other hand, neither of us see it in our near future to move to the others' city, even though its entirely possible, just not right at the moment, and not in the plans. We both have skype, IM, text, calling, and have some visits in the works...but we are just not sure that it will be enough. we've talked about it and aren't sure what to do. neither one of us wants to call it quits, but aren't sure how it will work! I want to be with him every second, and he feels the same. I dont know how it will ever work! I am just having a hard time with this because of the strength of my feelings and our crazy chemistry together. We both acknowledge that if the timing were different, we'd totally be together. I am so sad. i dont want to let him go. any thoughts from those that have been in LDR ? can it work?
LittleTiger Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Well, if this man is the one for you - then that really is the whole point. My LDR is just over 12 months old and going from strength to strength. We spend as much time together as we possibly can and deal with the time apart as best we can. The future is a work in progress. The point for me is that he's my best friend and there is nobody more perfect for me than him - and he feels the same. In some ways it's not really a choice - it just is what it is. From your post you seem to be very much 'in lust' with this guy, rather than 'in love', though feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. I do wonder when people say they're not sure about committing to an LDR because, for me, it was more along the lines of 'oh this is going to be h*ll', than 'shall I do this or not'. Maybe you could just give it a try and see how it goes. You'll either discover that you can't live without each other, or you'll decide that there really isn't any point.
KikiW Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 YES. It CAN work. I am living proof. My husband (as of 2 weeks ago) and I met online, developed an LDR, he eventually moved to be with me, and we're now married. It was hard work, do not kid yourself. But if you are both willing to give it your best efforts, it can be very rewarding. It will be challenging, it will be painful, it will be aggravating, but it can also be extremely rewarding. You MUST have excellent communication skills. You each must be allowed to tell the other when you're feeling jealous, or lonely, or sad, or ignored, or whatever. Neither can be afraid to talk about those things. By accepting that those are natural feelings and listening to each other, you can ease each others' fears. And every time you do, you will walk away from your conversation feeling closer and happier. It can work, but you both have to put in the effort - as long as you do, you'll be ok
Author lonely79 Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 From your post you seem to be very much 'in lust' with this guy, rather than 'in love', though feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. I do wonder when people say they're not sure about committing to an LDR because, for me, it was more along the lines of 'oh this is going to be h*ll', than 'shall I do this or not'. Maybe you could just give it a try and see how it goes. You'll either discover that you can't live without each other, or you'll decide that there really isn't any point. You're not wrong...its just at the beginning of our relationship and we are very very much "in lust" but i feel like we are tipping towards love, and now he's moved. I know lust certainly isnt the same thing as love. I just feel so strongly that I can't let him go. I keep trying to tell myself that Ill find someone else, and then trying to imagine that, but I just keep arriving at him. We have decided for now to just try and see how it goes, but Im scared that it wont work and that its just gonna make me hurt more when it does end. basically, im just kinda a mess over this. KikiW, thanks for your words of encouragement, it gives me hope! I liked your point about communication and I know that's something we will have to work on.
LittleTiger Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Im scared that it wont work and that its just gonna make me hurt more when it does end. basically, im just kinda a mess over this. Unfortunately, that's the nature of all romantic relationships. It's always a risk, LDR or not. LDRs are, in some ways, very different from other relationships and they are also the same in many ways. As KikiW says, communication is the key as well as high levels of trust. I'm sure, given the strength of your feelings, it won't take long before you know if love is going to follow. When/if that happens I think you'll find it becomes a question of 'when' one of you moves, rather than 'if'. In the meantime keep posting. There are a lot of good people here who can offer you support if/when you need it. Welcome to LS
quankanne Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 married 18 years after a 2-year LDR where I was in Texas and he was in Florida, then Saudi Arabia ... honestly? You've got it made, what with all the forms of instant communication at your fingertips AND the fact that y'all only live 5 hours apart. Phone calls were twice a week at certain hours, and the mail to S.A. ran really slow. We only got to see each other every six months for about a week or so. I could go on and on and on about counting your blessings and not looking at it as such a huge challenge because you're really not *that* separated ... but I can still remember how overwhelming the mere idea of being apart was, and my heart goes out to you. how do you cope? LittleTiger says it best: If this man is the one for you - then all of this is very much worth it. The time apart is nothing, in the larger scheme of things ... if anything, it can be useful in helping build a stronger relationship because you know how to deal with time and distance apart in ways that another couple who hasn't discovered this challenge has. you'll get there, just have faith
folieadeux Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 There is always a point when you're with the person you want to be with. My SO and I both live in the States (me in NJ and him in GA). We never thought twice about "the point". We weren't given a choice. We wanted to be together regardless of anything and have managed to make it work. I'll never sugar coat anything, it won't be easy, but for me it's much harder to NOT be with him and settle for someone just because they're local. There was never any other alternative for us. You already did the hard part by finding each other. I wouldn't let five hours come between what you really want.
Author lonely79 Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 There is always a point when you're with the person you want to be with. My SO and I both live in the States (me in NJ and him in GA). We never thought twice about "the point". We weren't given a choice. We wanted to be together regardless of anything and have managed to make it work. I'll never sugar coat anything, it won't be easy, but for me it's much harder to NOT be with him and settle for someone just because they're local. There was never any other alternative for us. You already did the hard part by finding each other. I wouldn't let five hours come between what you really want. thank you. I dont want to settle for someone else just because they're local. the point is that I want HIM, regardless of where he lives. I guess at this point I am questioning what he wants because he seemed to be more resistant to the LDR than me. He said the only reason he hesitates is that he doesnt think that seeing me once, maaaaybe twice a month would be enough for him. I think this would be easier if we were more of an established couple before he moved.
folieadeux Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 thank you. I dont want to settle for someone else just because they're local. the point is that I want HIM, regardless of where he lives. I guess at this point I am questioning what he wants because he seemed to be more resistant to the LDR than me. He said the only reason he hesitates is that he doesnt think that seeing me once, maaaaybe twice a month would be enough for him. I think this would be easier if we were more of an established couple before he moved. I can understand his apprehension. In fact, it's totally normal. Sounds like he just wants to make sure he's able to invest 110% into this. More people should think that way. My SO and I see each other about once every month on average, but sometimes the wait is longer. This time around, we haven't been together in about two months. It's tough of course, but some people have alot more time to wait inbetween visits for various reasons. My point being that as long as you're both willing to make it work, it can and will. Next time you meet up, I would suggest bringing up the whole "established couple" factor. Doing so should at least get the ball rolling for the future.
aerogurl87 Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Well I agree with what everyone has said so far. I do understand what you mean by "what's the point of being in a LDR?" I felt this way about my ex when he asked me to be his girlfriend. But after being in two LDRs I can say that it does have it's bonuses of you and your SO having better communication and getting to know each other on a much deeper level. So I don't really think the question should be what's the point of a LDR, but what's the point in me dating this person? If the answer is I really like him and I see a future with him possibly, then go for it. But if you just see it as maybe being a fun thing to do then I'd say save yourself the time, energy, and money of being in a LDR. Also him being apprehensive is normal. As folieadeux said, a person should want to make they are committed to a relationship before jumping into one, especially a LDR.
la vie est belle Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 First off, 5 hours by car is nothingggggg! You got it made. I'm in California and my man is in France. At least if both of you are able to/willing to make the effort, you could probably see each other twice a month. We both have skype, IM, text, calling, and have some visits in the works...but we are just not sure that it will be enough. You're right, those things can never replace being close in person, but it's definitely enough to keep you connected until the next time you see each other... as long as you both are willing. I want to be with him every second, and he feels the same. I dont know how it will ever work! I felt like this too at the beginning, but you get used to it. All in all, I think it's worth trying at least. Yeah I won't lie, it sucks. But it sounds to me like you're not ready to give it up, and I think if you were to call it quits at this point you would have regrets, always wondering what could have been... especially if you don't have any better prospects in the local area. I think it's completely doable and worth a try :-) I can understand your anxiety going into it, it sucks, but once it happens you manage and deal with it.
skydiveaddict Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 I am so sad. i dont want to let him go. any thoughts from those that have been in LDR ? can it work? Don't be sad. Of course it can work! Look at Little Tiger, her guy is half way around the world and she has no doubts. This stuff about distance is just an excuse. If you want to make it work it will work.
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