SummerLady Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 I just heard 2 very different divorce stories for the same divorce that are so beyond different you wouldn't even believe its the same divorce. She says he cheated when they were suppose to be reconciling, he says they didn't get along and called it quits way before that. She stayed to make it work for the kids, and he never tried. He said they were over she knew it, they were together in the house for financial reasons. OMG!! I can only imagine what my ex says about me..I know these 2 people very well and I can't figure out who is fibbing. Only those 2 people know...Very weird...
carhill Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Each person has their own perspective and the truth is somewhere in the middle. Accepting that it doesn't matter what the other's perspective is works to move on from the marriage and divorce into a healthy life as a single person. I commuted the details to 'incompatible' and leave it at that. My exW could tell people I'm the devil incarnate and I could care less. Just more people I don't need in my life. It all works out
tobydog Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 How right you are! Mine is painting me to be the wicked witch and I am now slowly starting to see the real him. His *new* friends prob hate me and mine certainly despise him. It's all perspective. At least I know now that it was not ALL my fault. Cheers
FreeNow Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 The whoppers my xW told were so far out there they didn't even touch on reality. Many pointed out to me that she was projecting as they seemed to be exaggerations of her own behavior. She was deflecting internal guilt like crazy. But yeah, within reason, different people can have different perceptions of the same situation. POV and all that...
You Go Girl Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 The sad thing is with all the finger pointing, and LS definitely included in that, the chances for reconcilation diminish significantly. First, look in the mirror. It should be a requirement. I'm as guilty as the next person.
threebyfate Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Perception is truth in each individual's mind. Since the stories are so far apart, doesn't it confirm why these two individuals aren't together? Communication is very important in a healthy marriage.
Steadfast Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Perception is truth in each individual's mind. Since the stories are so far apart, doesn't it confirm why these two individuals aren't together? Communication is very important in a healthy marriage. A perception of the truth is a perception. Many people lie so much they actually believe them. Perception or not the truth is the truth. No gray area. Doesn't this go back to the blame game? Wrongs, somehow justified? That's just another version of cake eating. Liars who want to be known as honest.
threebyfate Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 A perception of the truth is a perception. Many people lie so much they actually believe them. Perception or not the truth is the truth. No gray area. Doesn't this go back to the blame game? Wrongs, somehow justified? That's just another version of cake eating. Liars who want to be known as honest.It's possible but what difference does it make in this situation? Say one is lying and the other is honest. Is this the sign of compatible morals? And even if one is honest, their perception might also be distorted due to a lack of communication. One big recipe for marriage disaster.
You Go Girl Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Not necessarily intentional all the time either--perception is key. I was just studying personality types, forgot about the Jungean myers-briggs test, and was recently studying it again. I am INFP. My ex is ENTJ. The T vs. the F in interpertation and perception difference can be huge. It is no wonder that sometimes there is a communication gap. Not that they can't be bridged--but there has to be effort.
OpMojo Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 It's been my experience that both versions will be slanted. Getting a divorce is a big kick in the guts for most people whether they initiated it or not. It's tantamount to admitting you've failed. Those vows we made at the altar were a big thing. To get over the shame of failure, the guilt of not being able to make it work, etc. most people tend to seek sympathy from family and friends, either consciously or unconsciously. This sympathy is procured by making the other party seem as "at fault" as possible while downplaying our own involvement - basically shirking at least some of the responsibility for the marriage disintegrating. Everyone does it whether they mean to or not. Divorce is a trauma and shifting at least a little of the blame onto the other party helps keep us sane. It's not the moral thing to do, it's not the right thing to do, but we do it anyway because it's a coping mechanism.
Steadfast Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Everyone does it whether they mean to or not. Divorce is a trauma and shifting at least a little of the blame onto the other party helps keep us sane. It's not the moral thing to do, it's not the right thing to do, but we do it anyway because it's a coping mechanism. Look, this can be twisted until it's a knot. No one enjoys being wrong, but to reach full healing you've got to come clean at some point. Unless you enjoy living in denial and have an affinity for pain and suffering. I don't, so one by one I dealt with the things in my marriage that I could have done better. In some ways, it was like paying my dues; made doubly tough by dealing with the break up of my marriage. It was the work that needed to be done. I was asked to do it. Encouraged to do it. And I did it. Part of my ex's confusion was not having a place for her rope to land. Now, she respects me for not hanging her out to dry. In truth, she didn't need my help; she managed to pretty much mess up her life all by herself, thank you. I don't hate her, but I do hate what she did. Big difference. This he said, she said stuff is a trap. Who needs the drama?
Author SummerLady Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 Look, this can be twisted until it's a knot. No one enjoys being wrong, but to reach full healing you've got to come clean at some point. Unless you enjoy living in denial and have an affinity for pain and suffering. I don't, so one by one I dealt with the things in my marriage that I could have done better. In some ways, it was like paying my dues; made doubly tough by dealing with the break up of my marriage. It was the work that needed to be done. I was asked to do it. Encouraged to do it. And I did it. Part of my ex's confusion was not having a place for her rope to land. Now, she respects me for not hanging her out to dry. In truth, she didn't need my help; she managed to pretty much mess up her life all by herself, thank you. I don't hate her, but I do hate what she did. Big difference. This he said, she said stuff is a trap. Who needs the drama? I agree. I read an article 1 year ago and it was a famous actor that had been divorced for a while, he was being interviewed and he was asked about the failing of his marriage and the questioning was somewhat, who is to blame in the game style but very watered down and he said, in the end, its doesn't really matter who is to blame, its over...That says a lot.
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