Trying to Find Firm Ground.

[honestlyhurt]

I wanted to share my experience with you all, as I am left here feeling horrible about myself and scarred beyond words.This is a story about a couple both 28 years of age.

 

 

Two years ago I fell deeply in love with a woman that intrigued me in every way. Our relationship developed very quickly.

 

She moved in within a month. I was head over heals. Now that I look back I missed little key points of what was really going on.

 

Her parents had a nasty divorce and her mom was constantly against her father. How awful he was, and she would follow her moms lead. She hated her father. After months of working with her on this, she now lives with him, and I am the problem.

 

One of the first times I met her, she was upset that I didnt go to bed with her. (set up at a wedding - slept over at the family's and shared a bed)

 

I remember her calling me at work later, from my house crying... that she felt so domesticated. I rushed home to hug her, and hold her till she was better, then returned to work.

 

Our First Christmas was amazing as I lost my job and she was there for me. I went all out and purchased a ring as a "promise". It was wonderful.

 

I decided to take a year off, as I had income properties and lots of things I wanted to get done. Most of all I wanted to rest up as I worked hard to get where I was. Things were okay. We went on a vacation with her family, I owned a boat and we boated all summer with friends and family. Everything was perfect.

 

Just after we had been together all the complaints began. She didnt like the drive to work from my house (30 mins), she didnt like that I wasnt doing anything with my life (as I was gearing up to get back into work).

 

After a blowout.. boom she left. Decemeber of 09 I was crushed. Just beside myself. How could someone just leave you like that, no answers no nothing.

 

December 24th, we reconcilled just in time for christmas. As during the time she left, I managed to get a job, and move us to a closer location to her place of employment.

 

We moved in January, and I purchased the home as a fixer upper. An investment for 2 years so we could get out of debt. She loved the idea. Everything was great.

 

Starting in March and April, I started to dislike my job, and we were both starting to realize that its not working out for me. I was not happy, and she didnt like seeing me this way. So with a new goal in mind, and plans that we both made, I was gearing up to return to school to do what my dream was. (fly)

 

We had ups and downs, arguements from time to time, and I noticed she seemed a little depressed. Didnt go out and do the things she used to. She all of a sudden wanted to be a home body. As this happend we felt more and more tention as I felt that I was constantly not good enough for her. My reactions to some of this where not right I will admit, as I know we all learn (fights, and heated emotional talks).

 

I started noticing during this time that her family was starting to treat me differently. Even on her birthday in May, they seemed disappointed that I got her a bicycle (that she wanted) instead of a ring. This resulted in them changing the tone from me being the good guy to the bad guy.

 

So June came along. I was hosting a trade show with the company I was working for, she decided to come with me. To relax in the hotel and spend some time for herself. She was amazing. Very unusually nice.. Bringing me lunch. Laying out my clothing. Packing my things. I remember in the hotel room, laying together after making love.... asking her what I could do to keep her this happy. She looked at me, pointed at her ring finger. I talked with her.. and mentioned that we just need a little more time. (bills where a few months from being done) In the back of my mind I set a Date. Aug I will ask this woman to marry me.

 

After the tradeshow, I made an agreement that I will work till the end of the month as I want to renovate our home and return to school. We were both confident that this is the right thing to do.

 

Life was great... and then we walked into our home. "Boom!" I literally watched her change before my eyes, "look at this house" "look at this mess" "how can we live here" "you dont do anything around here". After a heated discussion, I began working on the home immediately. Ripping out the kitchen. I worked, came home worked, and I grew angrier and angrier as all she did was kept pushing buttons.

 

It ended like this... I walked outside to start the lawnmower. It wouldnt start. I had it. I walked in, while she was browsing facebook I said nothing. She turns to me and says "you look crazy, grow up!" I calmly walked upstairs... and emptied her dressor drawers. Threw the clothing down the stairs. And ran outside to cooloff. I came back in, started to pickup her clothing with tears in my eyes that I did such a thing. I was pushed to my limits. I spoke to her calmly and said "I am sorry, all this pressure is just too much at once." She answered with... "Too late.. My parents are on their way to get me!" She left. June.

 

I felt awful. Apoligized over and over. All I got was, its okay.. I just need some time and space. Give me a month or two. I went into a dive. Signed up to get help. Speak about my behaviours. We started noticing in Councilling that I blamed myself for everything. This is what was projected on me.

 

This is where the craziness begins....

 

In a panic. I turned into a needy wanting person... asking for answers that couldnt be answered. Expressing my love... my regrets... everything.

 

She would come over, and use me for sex. Send me pictures of her body. But always leave with a fight. I watched this girl split in two. She told me one thing, and told others another. Lies.. about me.. making me be the monster in all of this.

 

All I wanted is to work on it and fix things. Finally, I began to feel that this was all a game.. I was being strung along for months... She had her cake and ate it too, I sat here and waited... and tummbled... into dispear.

I backed away, and she would come running. Then when she had me, she just left again... This happend twice.

I would call her, and she would say the most awful things to me, about my values, my familly, my goals... crushing them all.

 

She always flew right off the handle, just by hearing my voice. i didnt understand. I was still here, waiting. "i need time... I need space" "I met this guy and we text, I met that guy and I am flattered"

 

I was crushed.

 

She now takes care of herself. Spends all her money. Cares nothing about me, and our goals. Has no responsibilities living at her fathers. When I saw her last I got that feeling she was on the hunt for another man.

 

I have been humiliated, and lied about. Been told I am worthless and awful. All I did was Love. It made me crazy and now as I come out of this... I had to text her my frustrations...

 

I told her how I felt. Ripped off... that the cycle will continue unless she stops it.. about her past (she does this to her exes.) She always complained that her exes go out and get married after her. I remember promising that I will hang on. This is what killed me.

 

I have now been left here like an empty shell. My friends have told me she may be bipolar and that this is not over yet. I am not sure.. Thoughts?

 

 

Facts:

 

- she only has one friend. (that dislikes me, as she felt I toook her away from her.

 

- she is very dramatic, and loves to trash talk people. She is more intelligent than everyone else.

 

-she lives with her father, and manipulates him, as she will not even let me contact anyone in her family.

 

-her mother hates me. she has been deemed "man hater mom" by people that know her.

 

-she says she doesnt know what she wants. Sending me mixed messages. Up to about a month ago (I suspect there is someone else)

 

-One of her famous lines. "if you love me now, you will still love me a few years from now"

 

-"I have a crush on someone else" was used too.

 

-She flipped back and forth over the past months between anger one moment and sadness the other... things like "i am so immature, I feel dead, I may be making the biggest mistake of my life", "i am ruining my life and I am taking you with me" "Dont call me and let me miss you"

 

 

All in all I found that she was just able to shut off her heart. I was left bleeding outside and I suffered greatly for it. I think I may have suffered from Secondary Trauma. And now as I pick up the pieces of everything that has happend I am so confused and ashamed.

 

 

I guess what I am wondering is, can this be fixed?

Does it sound like its Over?

I still have deep feeling for this person... what can I do?

 

 

Any posts would help me greatly.

Edited November 29, 2010 by honestlyhurt

[honestlyhurt]

I find now more and more, her attitude about all this is .. "Meh sometimes things dont work out, its just the way it is".

 

She still texts and speaks with me from time to time. However I find this inner strength in her that subsides what really is going on.

 

How can people just snap one day and dont care?

[dng]

I had something similar happen to me, without the attitude or the meanness.

 

Your only option at this point is to fall off the face of the earth. Give yourself enought time to seer it in your mind that this is the only option available to you.

 

She will do whatever it takes to keep you where she can control you.

 

The minute you go NC, she will submerge you in a barrage of emails, texts and phone calls, telling you everything you want to hear.

 

Block her or change your number or she will destroy you. You wall of NC must be impenetrable, and there will be no going back.

 

Courage, my friend! It has to be done. Do it before she does it, because believe me, she will.

[honestlyhurt]

Thanks DNG.

 

I am trying my best to stay away, as it is the most difficult thing to do when I moved to a town knowing noone, and havnt had my head on straight to meet anyone in months.

 

I at this time see it very hard to believe that she will want to contact me if I just let go. I am not sure if I am ready to do that yet.

 

I guess the assurance comes into play when I think to myself that maybe she will be the one crawling back, when its too late.

 

Do you believe in Karma... do these things tend to happen?

 

 

side note (an old friend of hers called me today to tell me he wants nothing to do with her as she plays mind games and manipulates people.) I found this a bit of an eye openner through my shady love struck lenses. Maybe she really is a horrible person!

[Surfer203]

Sounds like a nightmare. Why are you bothering? What redeeming qualities does she have, I can't figure any out from your posts. Move on!

[swfc_77]

i think the previous pster is right, she just wants to keep you in a string.

 

my situation is the same, she said she wont contact me ever again on sunday but i think maybe over a period of months/weeks her questions will get the better of her and she will get in touch some how. just to see if im still there waiting such to say.

 

her parents divorced when she was 16, she had a lot to deal with. but my parents divorced i had the same **** just like the other millions of people/kids out there going through it now.it cant be used as an excuse to treat people like dirt.

 

my ex's mum and dad are at each others throats, my ex goes back and fourth from mum to dad. she too lives with her dad, he gives her everything she wants, does everything for her.

 

i tried to take her out of that situation and show her that its between her parents to sort and not her, maybe the wrong thing to do but hey, i was tryin to help her.

 

your ex just seems a little immature and unsure what she wants, when the going was good she loved it, right?

 

when the **** hits the fan she bailed out.

 

i think its different at the start of relationships. lust,love new-ness takes over and makes the bad things not so bad.

 

im only saying this because it kind of resembles what my ex is like. just with a few years added on age wise.

 

my ex was 20 yours 28.

 

she moved in after about 6 weeks together, we too spent a wonderful first xmas together, as well i bought her a ring. my ex too seemed up and down all the time, there was never a stream of consistant love like i still give to her this day.

 

all i can say in my opinion is maybe after what has happened with her parents however long ago it maybe it might still affect her to this day.

 

i bet you like me are left wondering when why you love somebody so much and try to give them what they SAY they desire, they just turn around and destroy you in an instant and will do it again and again given the chance.

 

im not coping too well with the loss of my ex but im still here, your not alone mate.

 

just chill out take some time out for yourself, you wont stop thinking about it you cant just switch it off but you've got to learn to live with it for the time being.

[dng]

Thanks DNG.

 

I at this time see it very hard to believe that she will want to contact me if I just let go. I am not sure if I am ready to do that yet.

 

I guess the assurance comes into play when I think to myself that maybe she will be the one crawling back, when its too late.

 

Brother, you have no choice. Its the only option left on the table, the only human thing you can do. Start focussing on this, it is what you have to do, think and think and think about it. Make yourself ready and then never look back.

 

Mine came back with a formidable barrage of emails, texts, calls... I ignored 100% of them. I was dying inside, dying to talk to her, but I didnt, why? The relationship was over.

 

Like yours, its over.

 

Courage!

[honestlyhurt]

Swfc, it sounds way too much like my situation. Thanks for posting. I think it may be a huge question of maturity at this point. I cant believe the similularities.

 

Dng, I am trying my hardest to compose my self during this difficult time knowing that I cant really do anything at this point.

 

 

Its so difficult to watch her run around on the hunt for someone else. (Or some other victim) Has anyone been through this and had the tables turn?

 

I mean, do they eventually snap out of it? I am the first guy she lived with... We did everything together.. Made big purchases together... and so on. You would think that one day they Wake up! And at least notice what they have done.