Why do I feel this crappy?

[achokshi]

So my breakup story is of my first breakup. Over the summer, about 4 months ago, I cheated on my gf. Long story short I couldn't figure out why I did it, felt guilty, and became depressed and suffered from anxiety. I couldn't feel love for my gf (I told her everything and we were fine for a week), I actually kind of hated her for some reason. Anyways, she was my first for everything, and I knew it wasn't me who was feeling all these weird feelings but I told her it wasn't fair to her and I had to break it off. So during school we talked for about the first month, but then my anxiety was running high so we moved to NC.

 

We were on NC for two months till Thanksgiving break, and today is basically my first day back at school. I saw her on Saturday, and she basically told me that she was over me and was getting with other guys. Now I don't know why I feel so protective of her, but I can't even imagine her doing something with someone else. Well I can, but I want to vomit and it's the hardest thing to think of. What's weird is that I have gotten with two girls, even though I didn't want to, but don't even consider that a hookup. After seeing her, I was extremely attracted to her, and my feelings and emotions were running high. I knew I had her on a pedestal and that she didnt love me anymore, so my wanting her went to another level. She even went on to say how she wants me to get better and maybe I should date other girls. It was the hardest thing to hear from her, because I never ever thought it would come to this. I'm trying my best to get over her, but sshe was my first EVERYTHING, relationship, kiss, sex, and I definitely idolize our relationship. But it's so depressing when I think that the reality is that our relationship wasn't THAT great, since I cheated. My cheating was most likely on insecurity, I always thought she was with other guys since she has so many guy friends and I barely had any girls as friends. I guess I was jealous, and this made everything worse. Now the breakup has me insecure like I've never been before. I feel like no girls want me, feel like I'm so unattractive, and the girls that I do get with aren't nearly as good looking or good as my ex. It sucks cause my ex isn't a slut at all, nor is she a bitch at all. She wants the best for me, and this whole anxiety and depression is killling me and making me more insecure. It's been 3 months, and I still can't even move past the thought of loving her.

 

What's worse is my roommates are athletes who just don't care and bring back these sluts that they have sex with while I am in the room. I talk to them about it but they are always so drunk and never listen to me. I picture her being the girl that they are having sex with, and I have an anxiety attack, I have to breathe heavily (especially cause she's friends with the entire football and hockey team). I can't get this picture of her doing sexual things out of my head. I hate going out because I hate drinking since I feel like that's what she's doing and doing sexual things with guys. When I told her I think of these things all the time in my head and that they are probably false, she said if they were true you shouldn't be like this, because we aren't together anymore and you need to live your life. That was a sobering statement, but I am always suffering from anxiety and depression because of this. I idolize her and compare every girl to her idolized version. This is draining my life and college experience. I never used to ever care about having sex with girls when we're young, drinking, or any of that before her. In fact I always wanted to chase that in college. Now I don't care for any of it, and it really bothers me. I have lost my sight on my career, and I continuously feel like she's the best I'll ever do. WHY can't I move on? What is in my head that is messing me up? I am trying my best to remove those thoughts, but it's simply not happening. I hate the life I am living, our relationship seemed so unfinished. She was my first love, and we always talked about the future between us, but right now I know for a fact I am not myself because I have never been so disgusted by partying and sex.

 

 

Sorry for the rant, I needed to vent, if anybody has suggestions please let me know, I feel like my entire world is crashing down in front of my eyes. I am not suicidal but only when I get my anxiety attacks, cause it's so hard to escape those.

[AlisaMarie]

Hi achokshi,

I just read your story and I feel really sad for what you are going through. I know she was your first love and first for everything, so this is going to make this break up extremely painful because of how special she is. Let's try to put everything in perspective though.

 

You cheated on her and you don't know why you did it. There had to be a reason. Maybe you were feeling that you needed to explore what's out there. It's hard being in a committed relationship whenever there are so many temptations out there. You broke. This probably really scarred your girlfriend. You hated your girlfriend because you were projecting the hate you had for yourself (for cheating) on to her. I have been a victim of this many times.

 

So when you saw her, she told you to pretty much move on? Wow... that hurts. But at this point, it's probably the best. You both need to go out there and see what the world has to offer, and in time, you may reconnect, you may not. The not knowing part is what sucks.

 

As for you roommates, yeah... hearing them bringing back randoms to the room must suck. The thought of your ex being like that must suck even more. I used to do the same thing, I would look at how my friends act, and picture them being the little skanks that try to get up on my ex. EWW! Don't lower yourself to how they behave because it's obvious that you have a little bit more self respect.

 

Keep posting here to vent, it really helps. But for now, don't contact her and try to focus on your goals. Seeing her just was a set back. I am 4 assignments behind in one of my classes because of my break up. Am I really going to waste my future because someone doesn't want me? NO. Day by day friend. You'll get through it.

[achokshi]

thank you so much for the response AlisaMarie, I definitely need to put everything in perspective it's just so hard for me when my brain just is not letting me. I am breaking down and this is so terrible, I can't get my mind off of it. I am so jealous of how my ex can be friends with basically everyone, especially guys, and not primarily think about doing stuff with them. I feel so immature compared to her and all I think about is sexual things that go on. I can't look at a girl and want to do anything with them cause I'm so depressed that my ex is already doing stuff. I feel like the only reason I'll do something with a girl is to spite my ex. This is leading to so much overanalysis about guys and girls and any sexual things with anyone makes me cringe. Even a kiss! I used to not think anything of these things wtf is wrong with me.

 

I just talked to my mom and she sort of knows what's going on but I sort of broke down while talking to her and what surprised me was she wants me to come home and go to community college till I figure this out. I never even imagined going to a community college. I guess in the end I'm jealous that my ex has so many guys surrounding her, how she can be so well off alone, and how she has so much fun while I am miserable and can not see the good in anything nor can I be reasonable about anything. I don't get how all of this is simply ruining my life. Mostly I believe it has to do with my insecurities which are running wild. I picture my ex being extremely happy with someone else while I am struggling to even get close to someone who I remotely like.

 

 

Wow well that was mostly venting as well, all I know is I need to regain my confidence and be regularly happy again, and then I will see if my ex is still the person I want to be with. Everything right now seems so hopeless I really hope I don't fully lose my sanity.

[OneSadLady]

Sorry to hear the heartache you are going through. A person's first love most always holds a special place in their hearts and they are usually the hardest to get over.

 

Seems to me that your happiness is tied into the past. Every happy moment now has a sad feeling to it, I remember losing my first and every kiss and having sex just made me pine more and more for his touch. I did eventually get over these feelings because I knew my life would never be "right" if I didn't. Holding those feelings isn't good for you and it's not fair for the people out there that may grow to have feelings for you.

 

The worst part of your story I don't think is so much that you miss her and your feelings toward her, what worries me most is your personal support. It sounds like there is no one there for you helping you and the panic attacks may get worse if you don't get some sort of support, even if it's one friend who will listen.

 

Don't feel insulted by this but have you considered therapy? A therapist will offer you an ear and possibly ask questions to help you put things back in order. This isn't healthy and if through time you don't improve, something needs to be done.

 

While your considering that try to fill your time. Occupy your mind as much as possible, though it won't cure the problem it may help alleviate the pain.

[AlisaMarie]

thank you so much for the response AlisaMarie, I definitely need to put everything in perspective it's just so hard for me when my brain just is not letting me. I am breaking down and this is so terrible, I can't get my mind off of it. I am so jealous of how my ex can be friends with basically everyone, especially guys, and not primarily think about doing stuff with them. I feel so immature compared to her and all I think about is sexual things that go on. I can't look at a girl and want to do anything with them cause I'm so depressed that my ex is already doing stuff. I feel like the only reason I'll do something with a girl is to spite my ex. This is leading to so much overanalysis about guys and girls and any sexual things with anyone makes me cringe. Even a kiss! I used to not think anything of these things wtf is wrong with me.

 

I just talked to my mom and she sort of knows what's going on but I sort of broke down while talking to her and what surprised me was she wants me to come home and go to community college till I figure this out. I never even imagined going to a community college. I guess in the end I'm jealous that my ex has so many guys surrounding her, how she can be so well off alone, and how she has so much fun while I am miserable and can not see the good in anything nor can I be reasonable about anything. I don't get how all of this is simply ruining my life. Mostly I believe it has to do with my insecurities which are running wild. I picture my ex being extremely happy with someone else while I am struggling to even get close to someone who I remotely like.

 

 

Wow well that was mostly venting as well, all I know is I need to regain my confidence and be regularly happy again, and then I will see if my ex is still the person I want to be with. Everything right now seems so hopeless I really hope I don't fully lose my sanity.

achokshi... it's ok! I feel the same way! My ex found out that I went out with my friends and went to a hockey game while we were apart and he was upset because those were the things that we were suppose to do together. He didn't understand that I MADE myself go out and try to enjoy my life even though I am dying inside because of him. He goes out... he even is seeing someone new. AND LIED ABOUT IT TO ME! The thought of another man touching me makes me want to throw up... but not as much as the thought of him touching another girl. I understand. It's great that you're close enough to your family. You mother may be right, and you should not feel less of a person for just slowing your life down a little bit. There is nothing wrong with a community college for now. Anxiety is the worst... that feeling of not being able to breathe and that you are almost dying! Yep, I suffer it too. Don't focus on "doing things" with other girls. But in time, try just hanging out with another... or taking a girl out on a simple little date. It will boost your ego and let sex be the last thing on your mind. I feel so bad because I know just how you feel. I am by no means a misery loves company kind of person. Reading other's stories actually makes my heart break more... but it's therapeutic.

[achokshi]

I am seeing a counselor at school, but haven't seen him for a week for break and don't see him till Wednesday. I'm going to try and tough this out till Wednesday and see what I can do about it. I'm just really confused and wow AlisaMarie I thought I was totally alone; no matter what though, I have this aura of sadness lingering around as if my relationship was unfinished. I just want to be secure and happy again, and not feel so dependent on my ex. I'm just getting frustrated because I've felt the same way for the past 4 months.

[AlisaMarie]

I am seeing a counselor at school, but haven't seen him for a week for break and don't see him till Wednesday. I'm going to try and tough this out till Wednesday and see what I can do about it. I'm just really confused and wow AlisaMarie I thought I was totally alone; no matter what though, I have this aura of sadness lingering around as if my relationship was unfinished. I just want to be secure and happy again, and not feel so dependent on my ex. I'm just getting frustrated because I've felt the same way for the past 4 months.

You are surely not alone!!! And mine is going on 5 months. The longer I go without talking to him or seeing him, the better I feel, but we always cave. Just try to stay away and focus on you. I am still trying to work on my assignments that I have been neglecting forever. There has to be a way to get our minds out of the dumps and remember that we are caring loving people that do not deserve this... there just has to be.

[achokshi]

So I focused on my projects for school the rest of the day and boy has it been much better. Up until the point I went on facebook and saw some guy comment on her new profile picture, I was doing alright. Now my anxiety has gone through the roof and I texted her saying I want to be friends on facebook, although I know she'll deny me (I just want to stalk her wall to see what guys are writing what)... but in the end I know this is going to hurt me even more. I just want it to be out there so I can accept it and see if I can move on from it. If I can't, I'll simply have to block her again and figure out what I can do to seriously get through this ****. I mean, she isn't even that great, especially when I talk to her. I keep idolizing her, and keep breaking NC only to be disappointed once again. I just feel like things were different before I cheated, and I know they were, because I was never overanalyzing anything nor was I ever anxious like this. Anyways, hopefully I can feel better soonish, I have finals coming up and this is gonna be tough.

[AlisaMarie]

So I focused on my projects for school the rest of the day and boy has it been much better. Up until the point I went on facebook and saw some guy comment on her new profile picture, I was doing alright. Now my anxiety has gone through the roof and I texted her saying I want to be friends on facebook, although I know she'll deny me (I just want to stalk her wall to see what guys are writing what)... but in the end I know this is going to hurt me even more. I just want it to be out there so I can accept it and see if I can move on from it. If I can't, I'll simply have to block her again and figure out what I can do to seriously get through this ****. I mean, she isn't even that great, especially when I talk to her. I keep idolizing her, and keep breaking NC only to be disappointed once again. I just feel like things were different before I cheated, and I know they were, because I was never overanalyzing anything nor was I ever anxious like this. Anyways, hopefully I can feel better soonish, I have finals coming up and this is gonna be tough.

NOOOOOOO no contact no facebook! Who cares what's on her wall! Forget it! You need to get yourself better! When I am having an anxiety attack that last thing I want to know and see is some girl complimenting or making plans with my ex! Go for a walk! Cool down.

[achokshi]

Yeah I think I made a mistake with the whole fb and contact thing, but I just realized something. I feel completely normal when I talk to her about everything. I told her about my anxiety attacks and the ONLY time I idolize and feel like I'm so in love with her is when I picture her doing naughty things with other guys. This happens when I don't talk to her for a long period of time. What does this mean? I don't think it means I still love her for real, because when this happens, I see other girls as attractive as well and don't get so anxious about sex and other things. I simply hate the idea of her having sex with someone else probably because of how she is very cute, not an easy girl, and intelligent. If she was some skanky girl, it wouldn't be such a bad thing. God I feel like I'm stuck in the worst pickle ever lol. I actually feel good right now but I know this is going to be short lived, as well as it is artificial. I think it is just feeding into my insecurities and making them go away for now.

[AlisaMarie]

Of course! Classy smart girls are a challenge! You don't want a skanky ding dong that's best accomplishments is how well she gives oral- well some guys do, but not to wife up. Seriously, you must've had a really nice girl, and nice girls are hard to find. Be patient. I wouldn't push talking to her about your problems though, she might think you are looking for her pitty. Be strong dear! I wish we could all just be happy and not have to be here.

[achokshi]

thank you so much for your responses AlisaMarie they've really helped me feel sort of not alone.... I'm gonna try and stay strong. I'm freaking out about everything though, careerwise, my future marriage, etc..... I feel like I still am so young and immature to think about all of these things as I'm only a freshman at college, but I've been feeling like this for the entire first semester. This is terrible, I hope I can get through it.

[AlisaMarie]

You're welcome, and you are not alone. Don't project the future so much. Live day by day hun. Set goals, but not to stress, to strive! <3 I am here if you need to vent.

[achokshi]

Thank you, part of the problem is I am freaking out about the future... if I feel like my ex isn't with anyone else I am not feeling so anxious, and I actually feel pretty happy. This has to be jealousy right? I feel like I am confusing this with feelings for her... no doubt there are still some there but not enough to fuel a relationship, let alone a long distance one where I clearly have so many insecurities to solve first. I'm sorry I sound repetitive this is just me venting even more..

 

I'm really confused though, I only miss her when I think about the sexual things she might be doing... what does this signify? I really am jealous at the fact that I can't be happy while she doesn't have her feelings for me anymore and can invest them in someone else, that just makes me physically sick. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[AlisaMarie]

Well, let's face it, if you guys are apart, there is a chance that in the future she will be with someone else (sexually). I know that turns your stomach, as it does mine to think of my ex even standing next to another girl. It will just be a feeling that you have to cope with and let pass. It is jealously, absolutely!

[achokshi]

I'm just hangin on to the hope that I will get over this. My feelings are going absolutely nuts right now, one moment I care so much about her and love her, the next I'm like screw her. I just need to stop torturing myself when I imagine her having sex with someone else so vividly it seems like it's real.

[brokenwingsforever]

So I focused on my projects for school the rest of the day and boy has it been much better. Up until the point I went on facebook and saw some guy comment on her new profile picture, I was doing alright. Now my anxiety has gone through the roof and I texted her saying I want to be friends on facebook, although I know she'll deny me (I just want to stalk her wall to see what guys are writing what)... but in the end I know this is going to hurt me even more. I just want it to be out there so I can accept it and see if I can move on from it. If I can't, I'll simply have to block her again and figure out what I can do to seriously get through this ****. I mean, she isn't even that great, especially when I talk to her. I keep idolizing her, and keep breaking NC only to be disappointed once again. I just feel like things were different before I cheated, and I know they were, because I was never overanalyzing anything nor was I ever anxious like this. Anyways, hopefully I can feel better soonish, I have finals coming up and this is gonna be tough.

 

Dude facebook will KILL you. Delete her and all her friends! I know exactly what your going though though man, it makes me throw up just thinking about that kind of stuff and it f****** blows. You just have to be strong and SERIOUSLY go NC if you really want to start feeling better.

[achokshi]

so for the past like 2ish hours ive been feeling so different. my feelings for her are so neutral right now that I don't even think of her so strongly right now. It feels so nice I haven't felt this sort of happiness in so long, however, i have a feeling once the night rolls by I'll feel like crap again and start thinking about her in the whole "goddess" light. Anyways, I'm gonna enjoy my happiness while I can.

[achokshi]

Guys, I have a question. Why do I feel like I hate my ex? She wanted to stay with me so badly and I broke up with her AFTER she forgave me for cheating. Then she moved on and now I'm anxious and depressed about it, making me hate her even more. When I look at her picture a black cloud goes over my head, I get anxious and depressed. However, when I talk to her on the phone, it's that same sweet girl that was always amazing to me. I can't stand it when she's being friendly with other guys on fb, all these things lead my anxiety to rise as I can't figure out why I hate her so much. She even told me she's going to do anything it takes for me to get better; it's so annoying how she's done everything right and I feel like I HATE her. At least it justifies the reason why we can't be together right now. I was so in love with her until I cheated, and even after she forgave me I hate her... should I just drop it and get over her? It's always going to be that million dollar question in the future why I felt like I had the perfect girl and hated her after I cheated on her... now I feel like it's a different person, but she isn't. I'm working in therapy to get through this, but I can't figure out why, maybe cause I am so jealous of her that I almost want to be her?

 

Whew that got my mind thinking again, the anxiety is back so I'm gonna stop thinking so much about it right now.