Just needed a little vent here...

[AlisaMarie]

So it's day 4 of NC. I have to say I am feeling ok. I still can't get him out of my mind but what can you do? I am haunted by the fact that he is spending his time and efforts on another girl when I am the one that deserves it. It's heartbreaking and sickens me deeply. It's almost noon, I am going to try to focus on things that I have to do during the day, keep posting on here, and try to say eff it, I am better off. I really am. His lies and crappy ways will catch up to him someday... even if I am not the one to cause the karma, it will prevail. If anyone feels like me right now (and if you're here you probably do) ... reply and share your immediate feelings. I know I am not alone, but I sure feel that way.

[abust1]

I feel your pain. I am at ~1.5 months of NC with multiple similar lengthed NC sessions before that since about March. I was really missing her this weekend and eventually I broke down and did some facebook stalking. Bad idea. Terrible idea. I stayed home from work today and can barely function. I didn't think it would be this bad after all this time. I keep telling myself that once I get through these 1 year milestones things will be better........ now I'm convinced they won't be getting better by the increments I desire anytime soon. This is going to be a long road, but I deserve it. Hang in there.

[AlisaMarie]

I feel your pain. I am at ~1.5 months of NC with multiple similar lengthed NC sessions before that since about March. I was really missing her this weekend and eventually I broke down and did some facebook stalking. Bad idea. Terrible idea. I stayed home from work today and can barely function. I didn't think it would be this bad after all this time. I keep telling myself that once I get through these 1 year milestones things will be better........ now I'm convinced they won't be getting better by the increments I desire anytime soon. This is going to be a long road, but I deserve it. Hang in there.

I keep trying to tell myself that the next day I am going to get my ass in gear, catch up on my school work (working on my graduate degree) and make myself better! I find myself obsessed with getting advice, stalking fb, and waiting for a text (that I keep saying I will ignore... but we know better). I mean really? Why does this have to suck so bad? I have been through this before, but each time gets harder and harder. My friends can't hate me anymore for what I am putting them through... and in therapy... the 3 words "time is up" comes before I remotely feel better! I am so frustrated.

[dng]

For your friends, someone here applied the 80-20 rule to venting. 80% of them don't care, and for 20% of them it just makes them feel better about themselves.

 

Everybody has problems and complications in their lifes and most people, even close friends, can take it but only to a point.

 

Vent here instead, there's way more people here than IRL around you.

 

After about 1 week of complete NC for me, I started seeing clearer.

 

By complete NC I mean ZERO CONTACT. No picking up the phone and no calling.

 

I was accepting most of her calls before but I would never call her myself. The reason? I got so burned in the first weeks because she would never pick up that I wouldn't dare put myself thru leaving a message and then waiting 3-4 days for a callback. I realised it was better to not start anything.

 

Now after 4 weeks, I'm not over my feelings but I'm over the person.

 

Stick to NC. If you cave, you will only feel regrets, some shame, and be dissappointed in yourself.

 

Remember how it is when you actually talk to them and give into their ego trips.

Edited November 29, 2010 by dng
Made a mistake

[AlisaMarie]

For your friends, someone here applied the 80-20 rule to venting. 80% of them don't care, and for 20% of them it just makes them feel better about themselves.

 

Everybody has problems and complications in their lifes and most people, even close friends, can take it but only to a point.

 

Vent here instead, there's way more people here than IRL around you.

 

After about 1 week of complete NC for me, I started seeing clearer.

 

By complete NC I mean ZERO CONTACT. No picking up the phone and no calling.

 

I was accepting most of her calls before but I would never call her myself. The reason? I got so burned in the first weeks because she would never pick up that I wouldn't dare put myself thru leaving a message and then waiting 3-4 days for a callback. I realised it was better to not start anything.

 

Now after 4 weeks, I'm not over my feelings but I'm over the person.

 

Stick to NC. If you cave, you will only feel regrets, some shame, and be dissappointed in yourself.

 

Remember how it is when you actually talk to them and give into their ego trips.

I know.. and I am sick of everyone telling me that I am a great person and I will find happiness. The truth is... I am not sure if it's the break up... or the fact that I have to face myself and all of the mistakes that I have made in my life when I am rejected and alone. I begin to question every breath and move I took since I can remember... and it causes anxiety and pain. I think I used my relationships as a distraction from myself. I relied on THAT person of focus to be happy... and when it ends, any little text or crap they give me gives me that boost of happiness. But when it's gone, it's even more devistating than the last time. I just can't get it together here.

Edited November 29, 2010 by AlisaMarie

[VJW]

I am the same as you. 4th day NC. I miss him like crazy and want to know if he is thinking of me as much as I am thinking of him. I want him to want me back so bad he hurts. I am trying to accept that this will not happen but my emotions are all over the place.

Not even a week in and I am going crazy....

[Wilie]

Day 5 for me.. it is not easy, mind still thinking/racing. Will not give up this time and breaK NC.. time to end the games she was playing with me, i refuse to be a plan B.... Keep busy every moment.. it helps...

 

Will

[dng]

No, at first, they don't miss you and think of you has much as you think of them.

 

At first, they know they have the option of coming back and that relieves alot of anxiety and stress for them. You, on the other end, have to live throught the fact that they very well might be gone forever and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

Once that clears up, you will remember what you didnt like that much about them, perhaps even you wanted them to leave.

 

When that moment comes (months), they notice you again but its already too late.

 

This stupid logic never fails.

[AlisaMarie]

Thanks everyone, and I am sooooooooo sorry you are all hurting too. Sadly, this isn't the first NC... I let him come back 4 times in the past 5 months. It's like I am having to start over. If I just stuck to this back in July I would be in a much better place right now. I let him back so many times at his call just for him to crush me again. I was and am plan B. Even this last time ... he said maybe the future will hold something for us... and we have to part "at the moment." You're right! He knows I am going to be here and I HATE IT. The longest we went was 2 weeks. I have to get past that 2 weeks. Please keep sharing your feelings... and please tell me to get out of bed and clean and get my school work done!!!

Edited November 30, 2010 by AlisaMarie

[VJW]

My xbf said the same thing "we might have a future together, we just need a fresh start first". I told him that he cannot give me false hope and that if he really does not see a future with me then he needs to tell me. He said that he could never say that because you do not know what the future holds! ARGHHHH

If something ever did come up again between us I know that I would need to be fully healed from this and have learned my lessons from the relationship. Just wish I could know if he is missing me and our life together...

[AlisaMarie]

My xbf said the same thing "we might have a future together, we just need a fresh start first". I told him that he cannot give me false hope and that if he really does not see a future with me then he needs to tell me. He said that he could never say that because you do not know what the future holds! ARGHHHH

If something ever did come up again between us I know that I would need to be fully healed from this and have learned my lessons from the relationship. Just wish I could know if he is missing me and our life together...

Oh my I think we are talking about the same guy! His words to the T! We can know that our future doesn't hold them... because that is something WE can control, not them! It's up to us to shut that door that they left cracked. I know mine is seeing someone else. So... he may miss me when he's not with her... but I am sure she is serving as a wonderful distraction. To bad I don't know how to just throw myself into something new to forget him. VJW, I hate this. I wish I could just get out of freaking bed!

[VJW]

My x is seeing a new girl too!! So he is happily distracted with the excitement of a new relationship while I am sitting at home everynight sad and lonely and missing him. Jerk, he is getting his cake and eating it too. His ego must be HUGE right now.

[cerridwen]

I think I used my relationships as a distraction from myself. I relied on THAT person of focus to be happy... and when it ends, any little text or crap they give me gives me that boost of happiness. But when it's gone, it's even more devistating than the last time. I just can't get it together here.

 

AlisaMarie! I know what you mean EXACTLY.

 

My entire focus was on this person--the ups and downs, plans for the future, his happines. Other stuff in my life fell by the wayside so when he was gone, I was lost. It was like floating around in space. He had been the ground I stood on and it was suddenly yanked away. I never even realized how much I was focusing on him.

 

That's why we should be patient with ourselves while we adjust. We shouldn't be so alarmed by the overwhelming feelings. We've been in the habit of putting this person in the center of our lives now they're gone. So, it takes a bit to break that habit of concentrating on someone else.

 

I was unhappy with certain life choices so I threw myself into this doomed relationship and tried to make it into a Happily Ever After situation. I'm starting to realize it wasn't about him necessarily. He always was a fink but I chose to ignore it so I could have my fantasy.

 

Ah well.

[AlisaMarie]

I hate it! I have been laying in bed all day... I have so much stuff to do for my classes and my house needs cleaned... I really can't get EVERYTHING out of my head. This relationship... my past relationship... comparing them. It's eating me alive. I just want to sleep. I guess this is going to take time for us... I have never felt beaten, but I do... I feel beat by him.

[WTRanger]

Just chalk today up as a wash. Embrace the down, do not resist it. If you resist the downs you only prolong the eventual ups. Pount, rant, cry, until you go to sleep. Then, tomorrow, it is a new day

 

Take the energy you'd spend thinking about him and focus that onto your cleaning and school work, even it it's just picking at what needs to be done. You'll feel better channeling your energy into projects you can actually see progress happening and these projects are 100% affected by the effort you put into it. Where as thinking about him is closer to 0%.

 

It is hard I know. But you can do it.

[cerridwen]

Someone else posted this on another thread. I thought you might find it useful. The person who posted in on LS is wrestling with intense rejection and found comfort in this writing from a website called http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-feeling-rejected-by-mr-unavailables-assclowns-part-two/ (NO! I don't own the blog, Moderator!!):

 

"They’re not ‘rejecting’ you; they’re rejecting having to behave like a half decent guy in a relationship that feels responsible to someone, has to be committed, and loves, trusts, cares, and respects. That’s not someone you want to be giving the time of day never mind any tears of rejection… They’ve also given you a reprieve and the sooner you realise that you are not alone, that many a woman has experienced this and that you will not change him, is the sooner you can get over him and start living your life."

 

I'm thinking of you and rooting for you AlisaMarie.

[AlisaMarie]

Just chalk today up as a wash. Embrace the down, do not resist it. If you resist the downs you only prolong the eventual ups. Pount, rant, cry, until you go to sleep. Then, tomorrow, it is a new day

 

Take the energy you'd spend thinking about him and focus that onto your cleaning and school work, even it it's just picking at what needs to be done. You'll feel better channeling your energy into projects you can actually see progress happening and these projects are 100% affected by the effort you put into it. Where as thinking about him is closer to 0%.

 

It is hard I know. But you can do it.

Thank you WT, I guess the more time I waste laying here crying, the more I hate myself for wasting precious time. Then it's like a cycle. I know it takes time, but I never know how I am going to feel day to day. Thank you for your encouragment.

[WTRanger]

I know how you feel. I had one of them out-of-the-blue break ups during the worst possible time this year during my last year in graduate school. I had to start writing my thesis, but my mind was focused solely on finding answers to why she did what she did. The more I did that, the more I got behind, the worse I felt.

 

Eventually, I told myself to work on my thesis. Once I started to see progress, I felt a bit better. I could see my effort paying off, where as with her I was just spinning my wheels in the mud.

 

I've learned to just embrace the bad days. I don't fight them, I just feel like crap for a day and the next day is almost always a great day. I feel rejuvenated so to speak.

 

Just keep it up. Remember, you can control the outcomes of how clean your place is and your school. You can't control the outcome of him. I'm no churchy la-rue Ned Flanders, but I've always found solace in this quote:

 

God, grant us the Serenity to accept things we cannot change. Courage to change the things we can and the Wisdom to know the difference. Patience for the things that take time. Appreciation for all that we have, and Tolerance for those with different struggles. Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

[AlisaMarie]

Someone else posted this on another thread. I thought you might find it useful. The person who posted in on LS is wrestling with intense rejection and found comfort in this writing from a website called http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-feeling-rejected-by-mr-unavailables-assclowns-part-two/ (NO! I don't own the blog, Moderator!!):

 

"They’re not ‘rejecting’ you; they’re rejecting having to behave like a half decent guy in a relationship that feels responsible to someone, has to be committed, and loves, trusts, cares, and respects. That’s not someone you want to be giving the time of day never mind any tears of rejection… They’ve also given you a reprieve and the sooner you realise that you are not alone, that many a woman has experienced this and that you will not change him, is the sooner you can get over him and start living your life."

 

I'm thinking of you and rooting for you AlisaMarie.

Thank you for some additional help, and I am thinking and rooting for you too! Everybody has been so great on here. I just need distractions and people that understand without telling me I am an idiot for ever loving him. Ya know?

[AlisaMarie]

I know how you feel. I had one of them out-of-the-blue break ups during the worst possible time this year during my last year in graduate school. I had to start writing my thesis, but my mind was focused solely on finding answers to why she did what she did. The more I did that, the more I got behind, the worse I felt.

 

Eventually, I told myself to work on my thesis. Once I started to see progress, I felt a bit better. I could see my effort paying off, where as with her I was just spinning my wheels in the mud.

 

I've learned to just embrace the bad days. I don't fight them, I just feel like crap for a day and the next day is almost always a great day. I feel rejuvenated so to speak.

 

Just keep it up. Remember, you can control the outcomes of how clean your place is and your school. You can't control the outcome of him. I'm no churchy la-rue Ned Flanders, but I've always found solace in this quote:

 

Ahhh, I am working on my thesis right now! Well trying, it's impossible! You're right though the focus needs to be removed from him. Ok, today was terrible, I laid around and cried and wondered about things that are out of my control (him)... tomorrow will be better. As for the quote, I love it. My dad and brother are recovering addicts and they live by that. Sometimes I feel that I to have an addiction, but not to drugs and alcohol. Does that make sense?

[rugbyplayer1990]

I'm going on 2 weeks of NC with her, and as it was said earlier it gets easier everyday. Keep posting, not only are you helping yourself but your helping me. It gives me stregth (sp?) knowing others are going thru the same.. Life does get better, we have all been here before and made it, now is no different.

[WTRanger]

Ahhh, I am working on my thesis right now! Well trying, it's impossible! You're right though the focus needs to be removed from him. Ok, today was terrible, I laid around and cried and wondered about things that are out of my control (him)... tomorrow will be better. As for the quote, I love it. My dad and brother are recovering addicts and they live by that. Sometimes I feel that I to have an addiction, but not to drugs and alcohol. Does that make sense?

 

It is an addiction to the ex. They made us feel good, and we want that feeling back. We're just going through detox right now with the shakes, the pains, the ups and the downs.

 

Plug away at that thesis. After you hit 50 pages or even get your chapter 2 done, you'll feel 10 billion times better!

[Ajax]

I know how you feel. I had one of them out-of-the-blue break ups during the worst possible time this year during my last year in graduate school. I had to start writing my thesis, but my mind was focused solely on finding answers to why she did what she did. The more I did that, the more I got behind, the worse I felt.

 

Eventually, I told myself to work on my thesis. Once I started to see progress, I felt a bit better. I could see my effort paying off, where as with her I was just spinning my wheels in the mud.

 

 

 

I'm currently in the position of being way behind on my capstone project, and it's getting me down. Before my ex left I had had my life together and was on top of everything. When she left I went into a tailspin. I'm the one responsible for that and I can't blame her for my inability to keep it together after she left, but damage was definately done that was out of my control too. Right now the prospect of getting this assignment done in time seems daunting. How did yours go and what advice do you have?

[AlisaMarie]

Today is day 5 NC for me. I still jumped out of bed to see if there was a text or missed call. Nope. I ran to Starbucks for a little pick me up and I swear I saw his car... yeah... like he would be up at 7am. I just feel haunted, like I will never be myself again. But who was myself? I forget... or I never knew.

[AlisaMarie]

This is to all of my LS friends that have been helping me through my heartbreak. This song isn't for him, it's for all of us. <3

 

 

Thank you for all of your love.